Advice please, are we out of line?
Hi all,
I hope you are all well and keeping safe in these uncertain times.
I was hoping for some advice please. As you can see from my last post, BM is very high conflict, gate keeping, GU type personality. So far DH and I are managing this with strong boundaries and a visitation schedule which we had to make up and enforce ourselves (as BM has let us know that she will not be agreeing to any set schedule as she might have plans on the day DH is to have contact with child lol). Contact is often refused as I guess her refusing contact makes her feel in control of something. It's water off our back these days.
Now last year the government lowered the child support DH was required to pay as he is a low income earner (working still) and they had been overcharging him. BM got very angry and told him from then on he had to pick up child And drop off as she refused to drive across town to drop off or pick child up, her reason being "he doesn't contribute anything" (he has never missed a CS payment). We said yes whatever as we just don't give a plop anymore haha, and we have done pick up and drop off since. So next weeks contact is coming up and due to recent illness and a hospitalisation, as well as a big ole bill, we are very strapped and in order to get to work on the Monday, we would only be able to do 1 trip to pick SD up.
Do you think it would be wrong of us to pick SD up, and at the end of the day message BM and let her know she will need to pick SD up, as we don't have the gas to drop her off? It's just if we ask before hand, she will not allow the contact to go ahead if she has to do any driving.
I would hate to see SD miss out on her 1 day a month contact with her dad just because we are strapped for money this one week.
I know BM will lose her mind but we just block her if she starts up with her emotional incontenance, ignorance truly is bliss! Do you think it's the right thing to do or do you think it's best to just skip contact this month?
Thank you all for reading my novel haha xx
I have great sympathy for
I have great sympathy for your situation, having one of these types of BMs in your life is a nightmare, I speak from experience. However, I do not think it would be a good idea to tell BM at the end of the day that you have insufficient gas to drop off your SD. She could rightly point out that you knew that in the morning. I would be inclined to call her in advance of the pick up, tell her the situation and ask her nicely if she would be prepared to pick SD up. If she says no, then the visitation will indeed have to be skipped this time, but it will be on her head - you will have done nothing wrong.
No, you are not out of line.
You need to get a court order clearly stipulating the visitation schedule. In our CO each party is responsible for transporting the hid to their location. I would go with that transportation model. BM does not get to dictate anything that you do not agree to if there is no court ordered visitation.
PIck up the child on the unofficial schedule and at the end of the visitation text BM and tell her that from now on she will have to pick him up at the end of visitation. Do not give her any information on your financial status. TMI is a big problem when dealing with a toxic blended family opposition.
Good luck.
No, not out of line at all.
No, not out of line at all. It's actually quite common for the receiving parent to do the pick up.
Good advice
Thank you all for your advice.
It's awful dealing with HCGUBM's isnt it. Thankfully the last year has been relatively peaceful thanks to DH setting very strong boundaries.
Unfortunately (or you could say fortunately as we don't want any more to do with her than the bare minimum contact we have now) we won't ever be able to go to court to get a CO on visitations. BM is loaded, and her millionaire parents pay her court costs and we could never afford to pay for lawyers/ court costs. She knows this and has used it to the power position she is in now.
I think the suggestion of letting her know that she will need to do the pick ups from now on is a good idea, we will give this a go. Although I think she might just refuse contact on the basis that she won't pick SD up and then post "deadbeat dad" posts on Facebook haha! I will keep you posted on her response, it will be sure to be interesting! Haha
If she won't go to pick up
If she won't go to pick up her own son then it isn't his father who's the deadbeat ...
Since he agreed to do the
Since he agreed to do the transportation, it doesn't seem reasonable to trick her that way - though she certainly has no qualms with mistreating DH. You guys decide if you want to sink to her level and play the same way. I wouldn't do it, but that's just me. Not worth the drama and you know she will withhold the child for weeks after for punishment. If you won't go to court for an official order, you have to play her way or pay the consequences.
I don't see a thing wrong
I don't see a thing wrong with this. BM sounds like a narcissistic, uncompromising and controlling bitch. I agree with who said you need to get a court order that says what the visitation schedule is, that way she can't dictate what goes. Although if she's a big enough bitch she won't care about a court order, either.
Would you believe
Would you believe one of her last messages to DH was "Absolutely not, I have had to compromise on everything while you have NEVER compromised on anything" after we asked if she could drop SD off for visits so that I could take a job I had been offered (working a few hours on the morning of contact day, and we only have 1 vehicle)
So I had to say no to the job, because poor BM has to compromise on everything haha!
How old is SD?
How old is SD?
I would be leery of just telling BM at the last minute that she has to pick her up. Seems like the blow back would be worse but you would know better than I.
Unless I misread your first post, there is a court order, BM just refuses to abide by it, and I completely understand not taking her to court.
In situations with BMs like this, and DH's ex was one, you have to handle it however it works best for you and your DH, and the child. Unfortunately, it is not the children's welfare that these BMs care about. They care more about the money and control, than they care about the relationship the child has with the father, so the children do suffer.
In my experience, no matter what you do, you will be wrong, so pick what your DH will be able to live with best.
SD is 7
SD is 7yrs old.
Yes I think your right about the having to accept that she holds all the power, as we aren't going to go to court. I can see what will happen down that path, tens of thousands of dollars spent on pointless arguments trying to defend myself against more false allegations, and after many years of this, we might get a good result where DH has set visitation times, by that time SD will be a teen and not be interested in coming to dad's anymore, potential abuse from her for being the evil stepmother etc.. I have read so many posts on here of teen stepdaughter causing such turmoil. It sounds like it's definitely not a future we want to sink our money into.
It's just very frustrating that BM really does get to hold all the power and use it to punish everyone. Only 11 more years then we will be free, Bring it on! Haha.
And I agree the only way to deal with a BM like that is to do what works best for us, our together daughter (2yrs old) and do the best we can manage for SD7.
I really feel for you, and
I really feel for you, and especially your DH. You just know that BM is telling your SD7 all kinds of bullshit about why her dad doesn't see her more.
I have been there and it sucks. DH and his daughter (now, 29) were as thick as theives when she was young. BM absolutely destroyed their relationship after SHE kicked him out (not the first time) and he refused to go back.
Once SD got married at 18, which emancipated her, we never dealt with BM again, DH refuses to speak to her to this day. She thought they would be bonded for life, she was mistaken.
I'm sorry you guys are dealing with this.