Advice please
It happened on Tuesday. I felt literally dead until Friday when I went to see my therapist. Now I feel better but still. I've been married for 4,5 years. I have twins 13,5 yo living with us. My husband has the full custody. Grandfather is helping us a lot with them. I thought that I got used to my stepkids and now I'm kinda ok with them being here, but still not easy for me. I have to tell them all the time to clean up after themselves, to stay away from my bedroom, to flush their POO (yeah at 13,5 they still leave their poo in the toilet and dont flush), to clean or at least raise the toilet seat cuz otherwise it's always covered with pee. And I say these things nonstop for 3 years I believe, they just don't improve, don't listen, and don't even try. My husband is never strict with them. So DH had to go on a business trip for five days, grandpa is on vacation and I had to stay with the kids. The first day went fine, the second day one of the twins went crazy, he came back from school super angry, and for the first time screamed at me. Of course I was not going to let him scream at me and also raised my voice. He said I don't care, do whatever you want and walked away. I called my DH and told him that I'm withdrawing from my duties and he has to do everything now related to his kids. Then he called the SS. SS creamed at the top of his lungs on the phone to DH: "I HATE THAT BITCH I HATE HER SO MUCH, I DONT WANT TO LIVE WITH HER ANYMORE, I DONT WANT TO SEE SARA (our daughter, his halfsister) ANYMORE, SHE ALWAYS SCREAMS AT US, NOBODY EVER SCREAMED AT US LIKE HER ALL THE TIME!!!" I heard all of it and my DH didn't stop the insults and it really made me super upset. SS just continued to insult me and DH didn't stop him there. I had no idea stepsons think of me this way. I actually thought it's already fine for me to tell them stuff like clean up etc. I never scream at them, I do criticize but never scream like he said. At this point I think the right thing will be to disengage, turns out they hate me, they are not my responsibility at all, I don't have to care how much time they spend at their computers, did they eat or not etc. Im not doing it anymore. DH is coming back tomorrow so we yet have to talk. Step kids just left to live at the granpas house when the fight happened. And honestly I feel happy they are not here, everything is clean and I can feel myself at home finally. Seriously so typical, before I thought that our family is an exception and we'll be ok with stepkids, that they are good kids and I have to accept them and thats all. But turns out I'm a wicked stepmother for them and they hate me. My DH on the phone just said DONT WORRY, THEY ARE JUST KIDS, HE DIDNT MEAN IT. Does it mean I just have to close my eyes anytime he screams or insults me cuz he is just a kid????? I want to disengage buy I don't know how can I ignore all the dirty shit they do in our house when they come? It makes impossible for me to live here when they throw stuff on the floor, leave the toilet dirty af, eat all the food without thinking about anyone else etc. How to make them follow the rules.
He will grow into an adult.
Like my oss who occasionally calls his dad and tells him everything DH did wrong when they divorced. 35 years ago.
Your husband needs to grow a
Your husband needs to grow a pair of balls and man up to being a parent. It's hard but not beyond the average human competence ... when they want to, of course. Ask him who he wants to grow old with, you or his kids (clue: his kids are going to live their own lives and he's going to be a sad old man).
Where is the BM, why isn't
Where is the BM, why isn't she mentioned? Why did DH get full custody? Is there some guilty parenting in play that allows for this to not be stopped?
Yes, unfortunately. Their mom
Yes, unfortunately. Their mom left them, she does appear occasionally, but most of the time she lives her own life and doesn't want to do anything with the kids. So she basically doesn't exist. And I guess he does have the guilt, trying to compensate the mother absence with being very soft with them.
He's soft on them to
He's soft on them to compensate for their mother's absence? Does the man not understand that women, mothers are the world's disciplinarians? THAT'S what he should be doing to make up for her absence, not coddling them.
“He didn’t mean it” “he’s a cod” “he’s a kid” etc
Are all pathetic cop out excuses which excuse your husband from having to do the hard job of being a parent that actually has to parent his kid and set the ground rules that in your home, that you help care for, these are the basic standards of respect and behaviour he will adhere to.
my husband too used every bullshit excuse right out of the playbook and we were heading towards 4yrs of marriage and it was the typical above excuses followed by "you're over exaggerating and its not as bad as you claim" except I wasn't sugarcoating things
at 4 yrs of marriage if nothing had changed, it likely wasn't gonna ever. So i told hubby very clearly, since he didn't respect or care for me as shown by his allowance of how skids were allowed to treat us, that he clearly had no intentions of making our home environment harmonious and this was seriously affecting our marriage, I wasn't gonna waste my life away and torture myself with toxic exwife cod baggage anymore and have that toxic cycle of dysfunction with hubbys last marriage and kids from it come into our household and kids.
hubby assured me that toxic cycle of dysfunction would not continue through to our kids, to iur household except what he was and wasn't doing, was continuing that toxic cycle of dysfunction and i refused to allow it and told hubby divorce was the only solution now.
that was the wakeup call for my husband that he realised how bad it had gotten that i wanted out, wanted divorce. I have disengaged and had no contact with sd's since like nov 2018 and in 2019 when they called hubby guilting him for marrying and having 2 kids with me
that was it for me and any time hubby has tried the blank slate bs with sd's i remind him that they gave him an ultimatum to choose them or us when our kids were 1 & 2.5. That they resent us for existing because we are pleasant to be around, because we're the convenient scapegoat. I remind hubby our kids will want nothing to do with them if they knew what they really felt and said about us.
hubby manages his relationship with sd's away from me and told the eldest in early 2020 that she has sabotaged a relationship with us over petty toxic crap and she needs to realise she will be lonely because of it because hubby has a responsibility towards us and our 2 kids which takes precedence and priority since she is an adult.
Thank you!!!
Seriously you all made me feel so much better! It's the first time Im posting on this forum. I'm happy to realize I'm not alone, I'm happy to be taken seriously here and not be judged! Thank you everyone so much!!!! Blended families are no joke, so hard.
You must understand
These kids feelings about you, are not going to change. They are only going to get worst. It's DHs move when he gets. home. Either he makes SK respectful, or they can live with GF. ...Thing must change.... DH would love to keep the same old. It's easer to keep the same old.. But for kids to move back in. Things must really change.
DH is now in charge of all SK needs.
If they SK HATE THAT BITCH I HATE HER SO MUCH, then to you there are dead . No cooking cleaning, no money! No gifts,
Reality is frequently far different than people present.
Yelling and screaming is frequently only stern voice and wording with no increase in volume and without anger.
' Be quiet, do what you are told.' etc... is not yelling or screaming unless it is actual presented with a yell or scream.
Now, why would you remain with this unsopportive partner who does not have your back?
Move on. Enjoy your life with them all in your past.
Agreed. These kids are in for
Agreed. These kids are in for one helluva shock when they enter the working world.
Reality is frequently far different than people present.
"Yelling and screaming" is frequently only stern voice and wording with no increase in volume and without anger.
' Be quiet, do what you are told.' etc... is not yelling or screaming unless it is actual presented with a yell or scream.
Now, why would you remain with this unsopportive partner who does not have your back?
Move on. Enjoy your life with them all in your past.
OMG. I'm so angry for you.
OMG. I'm so angry for you.
In my opinion, you have a DH problem. He needs to step up and parent his kids. If this behavior isn't addressed, it will make your life increasingly difficult and his kids will never learn how to behave and grow into adults. Yelling and cussing at you should absolutely NOT be tolerated. Your DH is side-stepping his parental duties by excusing his kids' behaviors.
Yes, you need to have a long come to Jesus talk with DH. And I would say to leave the stepkids at the Grandfather's house, my guess is he parents about as bad as his son.
If you and DH can't get on the same page regarding his children, you may need to re-evaluate this situation. To be honest, I don't see things changing. Parents like your DH rarely change as they see nothing wrong with how they do things.
Please take care and keep us posted!
Just kids
"just kids", yeah well I had SD23 Feral Forger yell at me, call me names and then told her mother toxic troll that I was the one yelling and calling her names. Never happened. Now shes making things up about me. She still thinks she has a right to live with me in a home that I pay for.
These things dont get better over time. SD Feral Forger never experienced repercussions.
Its up to your husband to enact and enforce and PARENT. If not, the future will not be happy.
oh the old "hes just a kid"
oh the old "hes just a kid" makes me see red!!! I got that line when the exSS12 slashed my kitchen bench with a chef's knife. I got that line after the kid stole money from me and went through all my private belongings in my bedroom! when i finally got them out of my house exDH said "hes just a kid but i guess he should apologize" WTF! Your husband needs to nip this quickly or else your are in for a world of heartache. unfortuneately like most of us here , it doesnt change but continues to get worse ,, you will be the one making the change,, by getting so fed up and walking out . good luck and keep us posted
This is terrible!!! How can
This is terrible!!! How can one make excuse for stealing? Are you still together after such things or not? Thank you for your comment! It helps a lot!