Hi Everyone

New to the site but not a new SM. I've had an SS for 8 years and he is now 11y.o. I've been on SP forums before but after awhile I didn't like the one I was on so haven't been on for awhile. Today, however, I find that I need to get the perspective of others. This past Christmas we had a pretty bad situation and I found myself a v strong stance on it w my DH that caused me and my DH a lot of stress individually as well as tension btwn us (it's all good now though we got through it and we had a small win to boot!) I won't go into too many details on that situation bc what I need to gain some perspective on is something that happened today - although I will need to give bkgrd that does tie into the Christmas debacle. I apologize if this gets wordy but I feel details need to be known in order to get the best opinions on the situation. Long story short on the ex relationship - my DH and the BM were never meant to be together and she has a history of nagging and nagging until she gets her way. This resulted in their marriage that he left after 3 months and moved o/s, she still followed resulting in my SS. My DH is obviously not w/o fault here- he allowed her to manipulate him. He was young and weak in that he always gave into her, basically to shut her up. She still uses these tactics today and he as well as I on occasion have given in. She nags and picks until we are too tired to "fight back" and we just give in to what she wants.

We have grown a lot and learned a lot in or dealings w her - we've accepted that she is a "part" of our lives that we must deal with and so we know that we must choose our battles to keep the peace. While we don't always like communicating w her (in fact she and DH can barely have a conversation over 5 mins! They both avoid any communication by phone or by email) we are always willing and open to discussion/negotiation. After all we understand that we must give a little. IMHO she has not realized this and does not appear to ever want to discuss anything - it is always her way or no way.

My SS and his BMs family (she has a defacto partner and a BD w him) moved to a city 1.5 hours by flight away from us. SS visits us in our city so he can also visit w my in-laws. Since he was 5, one of us has flown up to his local airport, met SS and BM at the airport, taken SS back to our city, had our visit, flown him back home then flown back (ie 3x Roundtrip tix) and we've paid for it all. How we got to this arrangement is another story. He is now 11 and she will not allow him to fly on his own as unaccompanied minor (ie airhost chaperone gate to gate). This costs us in tix alone anywhere from $600-$900 (obviously on top of CS) not mention rides to and from airport and the time it takes.

***now to the current situation*** She wants DH to contribute $450 (half the total cost) for SS to go on his 7th grade class trip. Even the way she "asks" for the $ was cold and demanding - "I would llike to see "BS" attend however would require your fianancial participation by way of contributing half these costs."

One should note the last time DH dropped SS off to her after Christmas visit she did not acknowledge DH in any way physically or verbally - no "hi" or nod of the head. She looked right past him. Talk about mature! At the pick up atthe beginnig of that visit, even after the massive blow out we had w her, I made small talk and wished her a Merry Christmas, gave her a card and a mini Christmas pudding for the family. After all of that she had the nerve (although i could tell she was slightly uneasy saying it to me) to say to me that future visits req pickup from her house bc it was inconvenient for her to bring SS to the airport. IOW, we'd have to rent a car or get a taxi to her house to pick up SS and of course allow enough time to get back to catch a flight back! She has not spoken to DH since that last drop off save 3 sentences initiated from a call that DH made to her when a natural disaster less than 2 miles from their house threatened their suburb - she didn't even text to say they were OK. After everything that has happened in the last 8 years we at least give her some respect; she is afterall SS' mom. All we ask for is civility and some maturity in return.

She makes contact only when she wants $ above CS from DH. DH said maybe we should give her $200. But I made the decision today that I will not allow any additional $ to go to her - yes I know the $ is going towards SS but she is not short on cash. She also works for her partners company which enables her to keep her salary to a minimum for CS purposes. I said our response to her should be "Our current arrangements for "BS" to visit me and his family here are costly. The amount you have asked for is just under half the amount it costs us for a visit. If we can discuss other arrangements for future visits we will be better able to consider some contribution." Something to note this exact same situation happened in Oct last year (she req $250 for another school camp) and at that time DH said to BM - if you allow BS to fly at least one way on his own I will be more in a position to contrib $ towards the camp - and she still said no!

After all of that I'm not sure I have a question per say but would like thoughts on the situation from people no directly involved. I know there are some "battles" we have to let go but I always feel we are the ones who give way. I don't want to continue to do that at the same time I feel guilty bc DH gets it from BM who he unfortunately hates w a passion to put it lightly and he gets stressed bc I won't let him give in to her tactics. I in a way feel guilty as well b ultimately I know our decisions affect SS (somehow she continues to fail to realize this). I am 100% sure that he will not miss out on the trip if we don't contribute ad I know she won't be hurting if she sends him. I DO want him to go. It would be easier to seperate from this if there wasn't $ involved but that contribution affects me too. We've cut back on things in order to reach specific financial goals that we have. Buying all the tix for visits is always a challenge but we always look for some way to make it happen so that visit takes place.

I know this is a lot and if you made it this far in my rambling I thank you for "listening". I dont have anyone to talk to - all my friends are Bparents or not parents. The last time I spoke to someone about it i was told to grow up and to stop being selfish, that I made the decision to be in this relationship! Well, that person is now dating someone w 2 kids! It's sometimes difficult to even talk to my SIL about it even though she knows BM and all the bkgrd details. Just writing this has made me feel a little better. I welcome any thoughts - as I said I need some perspective so we can consider our options and the best and most tactful way to respond. Thanks in advance!