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Dr. Phil article

Endora's picture

Submitted by Endora on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 12:51pm

This was an interesting read.

http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/243

I did not read some of the other artilces on blended families-

"Oh for in an ideal world"!

Comments

bellacita's picture

Submitted by bellacita on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 1:05pm

and how its important for the bioparent to demand respect and adherence to rules...

or did i just read too fast???

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

Endora's picture

Submitted by Endora on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 1:21pm

"The stepparent, although not actively initiating direct discipline, should certainly work to maintain the normal boundaries that exist between an adult and a child. Although it may be the biological parent who delivers an initial consequence for misbehavior, it's important that the stepparent be active in support of that decision, and care should be taken that proper respect and acknowledgment of the stepparent be given. In other words, a stepfather is not simply one's mother's husband. He is in fact an adult and an authority figure in the home".

Working to maintain the normal boundaries that exist between an adult and a child!

How the heck do you do that if Skid is a pseudo partner to his/her parents to begin with?

Care should be taken that proper respect and acknowledgment of the stepparent be given-

In what world is that? BP have rose colored glasses when it comes to their mini-me's

Authority figure in the home my foot! BP's cringe when a stepparent shows any authority other than to wipe Skid's butts like they do

I know in an ideal world some of these tips are good -but throw in a passionate Bio -parent and a scheming skid and all you have is a recipe for disaster!

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

Sia's picture

Submitted by Sia on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 2:05pm

this way in Dr Phils never-been-a-stepparent world, but doesnt work that way in most other worlds.

secondwife20's picture

Submitted by secondwife20 on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 2:14pm

of Dr. Phil... especially after reading this.

I'd like to see Dr. Phil handle SD8.

"I want money!"

"I want Hannah Montana silver sparkly pants!"

"I don't love you until you give me the Hannah Montana silver sparkly pants!"

"GIVE ME A DOLLAR!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"

Smile Good luck, Dr. Phil.

Endora's picture

Submitted by Endora on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 2:26pm

Gee-I could ask Dr. Phil:

"How's that working for ya"?

Dr. Phil has not been a step parent-soooo...

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

Tara12's picture

Submitted by Tara12 on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 3:06pm

What a crock of shit!!! Yes parents SHOULD, and yes step-parents SHOULD. But like Dr. Phil says himself let's be REAL HERE! I found that article hysterical. I would like to see him deal with our BM. He's an idiot.

Tara12's picture

Submitted by Tara12 on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 3:24pm

can you imagine living with someone that is an expert on EVERYTHING???? Smile

Tara12's picture

Submitted by Tara12 on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 3:27pm

gods gift to women - wow crayon you are so lucky - snicker snicker Smile

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 3:43pm

Love him or hate him and whether or not it is easy to do, his points are valid and is the way it SHOULD be. Making it happen is certainly more difficult to stating that it SHOULD happen. Unfortunately Dr Phil is not the one having to make it happen. As Bios and Steps on our blended families WE are the ones that have to make it happen.

Of course there are arguments and kids will be kids and at some level they are all manipulative little shits (bio or step).

The key is the the focus on the marriage and holding all members of the family accountable for their behavior.

IMHO of course.

OK, Ladies. Go ahead and neuter me on this one!

Best regards,

Endora's picture

Submitted by Endora on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 3:56pm

In an ideal world-

If DH and I are not on the same page (and when it comes to HRH Zippy, and DH "Parent of the Year"-we ARE NOT)-

Some of his suggestions are very good -if the adults in the relationship are a team. IMHO

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

secondwife20's picture

Submitted by secondwife20 on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 5:23pm

me too.

I have NO say in what goes on with SD8. I can't set rules for her... I can't discipline her.

Why?

Because I'm not her parent. According to DH.

On the flip side I'm supposed to LOVE her. To FEED her. To BATHE her. To ENTERTAIN her. To be NICE to her. To TREAT her like she was MY CHILD. According to DH.

Ugh!!!

sam's picture

Submitted by sam on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 4:05pm

Did you know that the statistics for 2nd marriages are 75 percent chance of failing and 50 percent if 1st marriage.Second marriages fail more often because kids come into the marriage as well and people arent prepared for the bs of ex and sk.That is a proven statistic here in canada im not sure if that goes for the states as well.

bellacita's picture

Submitted by bellacita on Thu, 01/22/2009 - 8:30am

for the same reasons. someone has a blog about it on here.

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

disgusted's picture

Submitted by disgusted on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 4:37pm

Chalked full of do's and don't for us "step parents". I couldn't help but notice how EVERYTHING is about the bio parents and the step children while the step parents role is to make all three of their worlds a better place...It said nothing much about how the bio parents could be a "pillar of encouragement and support" to their new spouse.. Sorry, but I think Dr. Phil is an idiot about alot of things..Especially this considering he has no step children.

In a perfect world their would be retroactive abortion capabilities. ~ disgusted

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 5:31pm

That he screams and yells at the staff on the show. He has some good ideas, but this is way off the mark. This article as usual is telling the stepparent what they need to do, not the birth parent how to keep their new spouse!

My own dad said I should let BM have her way at all times or it would get bad - no way is that happening!! ha ha ha ha, I laugh to even think of that! She needs to worry about me, not vice versa. (this after 8 years of step-parenting)

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 (not verified) on Wed, 01/21/2009 - 6:56pm

In an our DHs/BFs wouldn't guilt-parent. They'd discipline their kids, have rules, let us have a say in the rules and help enforce them when necessary, and because they are doing their job and being PARENTS, and demanding respect from their kids (towards everyone), we wouldn't have as nearly as many problems on our hands as we do now.

I think this is a good article- but I also think he needs to write one for divorced dads/ dads who are no longer with their kids' mothers about how bad guilt-parenting is for their kids and that they need to demand the kids show their stepmoms respect (same goes for moms who guilt-parent and stepdads too).

As for our roles as stepparents, I certainly don't (and I don't think anyone here does either) expect our spouse to discipline their kids for every single minor infraction. We expect them to discipline their kids for being rude to us and not following the rules. There are some things that we stepparents are going to have to compromise on, but our spouses need to make some compromises too. They need to work with us/come to an agreement with us (one that both of us think is reasonable) on establishing reasonable rules and consequences for the skids and boundaries for the skids and BMs. We are not asking for them to stop spending alone time with their kids. We aren't asking them to stop communicating with the BM. What we're asking is very reasonable IMHO. What we're asking is:
a) is that our DH's not guilt parent and demand respectful behavior from their kids towards both of us (the BFs and SMs) and hold the kids accountable for when they break the rules and let us do some disciplining too, and that if they disagree with us or we slipped up, the call us out in private and we can go back to the skids as a UNITED FRONT and say, "we made a mistake and we're sorry."
b) that our DH's also create time for all of us to do family things like play a game or watch a movie and show us affection. That way, skids get their quality time with Dad but SM doesn't feel like an outcast and feels included, and that we get some alone time too. Even if it's while the kids are getting ready for bed and he just gives the SM a special hug and kiss.
c) we are asking that communication with the BMs be about the skids only and that they come up with boundaries (i.e. they can exchange emails once a week about the skids' week, how the skids are doing, any skid problems/issues, the skids upcoming events such as doctor's appointments, school/important extracurricular activities (not just the next baseball game), BM can call skids at this certain time to say hi when they're at Dad's, and DH/BF can call the skids to say hi at this certain time at BMs).

Sorry for the long rant, it's just my two cents.