another side i havent seen.....
Im new to this so bear with me....I have been engaged for 1 year to a man that i have dated for 5 yrs...He has ex step children that he raised from the age of 5 and 8...They are now 20 and 23...The oldest is graduating from college this weekend...and i wasnt invited...I really havent had much contact with them...and he talks to them quite often...I was hurt at first...UNTIL...He and i went to dinner with the 20 yr old this weekend...He treated me awful..Like i wasnt even at the table..I wasnt spoken to..I tried to be in on the conversation and Nothing!! He asked me if i wanted a piece of bread and pretty much threw it on my plate...Just treated me like i was there, but he really didnt want me there...Ya know i tried...I went to meet her becaue of him..These arent even his children, and i dont have to be put in this position and never will again....They talked about her mom (the ex) and he made comments on how it upset him how people took advantage of her..I was just really blown away...Im glad im not going to graduation...and i have alot to think about...I know he loves these kids or grown women like they are his but, i dont have to be apart of that..AM I WRONG......PLEASE HELP
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Nicole-this happens to me every time
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
"
He and i went to dinner with the 20 yr old this weekend...He treated me awful..Like i wasnt even at the table..I wasnt spoken to..I tried to be in on the conversation and Nothing!! He asked me if i wanted a piece of bread and pretty much threw it on my plate...Just treated me like i was there, but he really didnt want me there"
Every single time H and I have taken SD17 anywhere, this is how I get treated. In the car, she leans up from the backseat and sets the temp. control to her liking. Same thing with the radio/CD player. She gets to choose where we eat. then the love feast continues. Everything she says is either hilarious, insiteful, or cleaver (to H). Their conversations exclude me. I am the invisible woman. So I've just found excuses to stay home whenever he decides to wine and dine his darling-I lose my appitite just watching him fawn over her, anyway.
But you're not married to it yet. My suggestions is watch the situation. If it is a problem, get it settled before you marry your F, not after. Tell him how you feel/felt at dinner-ask him why he would even consider treating you in that manner-again, find out before you marry him.
NEVER AGAIN...
I will never ever put myself in that postion, or should i say he will never put me in that position again....This isnt really even his child...I understand he loves them and i wouldnt think much of him if he didnt after raising them...But i have tried to be apart of things...I have their picture all over my house....for him...I was just really shocked at how i was treated and will never do it again.....
Nicole, I am very sorry that
Nicole, I am very sorry that you had to go through this - I know how it feels to be an "outsider" at times. Continue to talk to your husband about this and get him to see your perspective. I agree that you should never allow them to place you in that position ever again.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
A question---
You've been with him for a while now, is this an isolated incident or is he sort of socially ignorant? Not trying to be rude at all, but some men can be kind of dense in social situations, like around his coworkers, or his family or his friends, is he sensitive to include you, not leave you alone or keep an eye on you so that you're not stuck in a corner staring at the wall?
My ex was like that, and I'd yell at him later about it and he'd tell me to grow up and insert myself into the conversation and I was crazy to be upset. The first time I met his family was at a wedding and he left me sitting alone for over an hour dancing with his sisters, I had huge blisters on my feet, and could barely walk..thanks for the concern buddy....
Maybe he was just so excited to be around them, and not aware of how stressful the situation was? He's so used to be around just "his girls" maybe that's just how they interact. Were either of them deliberately snubbing you? Rude? If so, that changes everything, but I can't tell from your original post, though you did say "like he didn't want me there...."
I'm sorry this happened, it sounds like you were ready to put yourself out there to be a part of his life in this way....
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
just this time
No, when im with his family, he is very loving and attentive to me...Makes a place for me at the family table....Has me sit beside him......I just didnt understand...And if i had my way i would have called someone to come get me(RESCUE ME) i was so hurt...and i dont want to be a big baby, but i have never felt that way in my whole life...
that makes it especially strange nicole
did you address it with him at all? I mean, you must have been really upset. What was said?
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
He didnt get it......
I told him after that i felt like he was ignoring me, that i really wanted to go to dinner and try and get to know her, but he said that he didnt think that he did anything wrong....I mean he wont even talk on the phone to them in front of me....I dont understand....I have told him over and over that it is great that he has a relationship with them...That im happy that they still think of him as a Dad, but im not sure if he is just uncomfortable because they arent his childen or what...I dont know....But i guess it a good thing im not going to graduatin this weekend....No telling how i would be treated...And for some reason his ex had to call and get our address,,why didnt the odlest daughter call....oh what a mess....
and my daughter does nothing right...
also his ex step children are wonderful....He is so proud....and my 12 year old daughter is a brat(acording to him) and he ignore her alot...How could he treat my daughter differently then is ex's children...He has known my daughter since she was 6 years old...I dont understand....His kids...thats all i hear...and i feel guilty for feeling the things i feel and i cant help it....
Thats Crazy
If that is truly how he treats your daughter I would urge you to get out of the relationship. Also I would not marry a man who is hanging on to a ex's children, those are not his kids and its one thing to talk once in awhile but this is way over the line. Sorry to be so blunt but if he's not willing to change this situation you need to get out.
careful girls...you might
careful girls...you might get attacked if you say they aren't really his kids! }:)
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
That's uncalled for
noone attacked you...
No, actually 2 people did.
No, actually 2 people did. The first time I ever posted, for using the exact same words she did.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
but the situations arent the same...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
This part is. My husband is
This part is. My husband is SS's ex stepdad too but has helped raise him as dad. Her husband has raised these 2 girls since they were young, they call him dad. He refers to them as his children. That part is the same and when I said SS wasn't even his kid when referring to what he was putting up with from BM, I got jumped on by 2 people at the time saying he raised him so he's his kid.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
I find it interesting that
I find it interesting that you adapt your story to suit your own personal agenda. You've done that a few times now.....
You're comparing Nicole's situation, one in which her DH was stepfather to these 2 girls to your DH'S situation - apples to oranges if you ask me - but what do I know??
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
Well, please enlighten me as
Well, please enlighten me as to what the difference is?
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
No need to - you will just
No need to - you will just find some other angle with which to make it similar.....
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
i will
nicole was talking about her DH who was a SD for yrs and ur DH THOUGHT he was the kids father until recently, and acted accordingly. so yes, regardless of how ur SS became ur DHs son, he is his son. i think thats what SSM meant...am i rite?
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
You got it Bella!! Inside
You got it Bella!!
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
All I said was she shouldn't
All I said was she shouldn't call them "not his kids" because he raised them and that was the reason I was told I should not call SS "not his kid"...so whatever I'm not going to hijack or argue with you guys over it.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
What Part
doesn't anyone understand....They Aren't His Kids. No matter how you slice it, so she needs to get with him and if he isn't ready for an adult relationship....cut that cord immediately. They're on his life insurance, no fricken way...either he changes or she needs to get out of a dysfunctional situation. You cannot change people, he may be beyond that, but there's still a chance for happiness...just doesn't sound like with him IMO. Talking helps a little, action is far more productive...
Have You Spoken To Him About It
Maybe he is unaware of how the dinner made you feel. He could be thinking that it went well according to him.
I think you need to tell him how the situation made you feel and if he wants you apart of his life then he needs to start acting like he wants you there, weather his ex step children are around or not.
Good Luck Hun.
H keeps his conversations with SD17 private, also
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Good grief-he even goes into the bathroom to talk to her on the phone if she calls when we're sitting in the same room (H and I).
I came into this marriage with a postive attitude-tried to be good to the lot of 'em. Bent waaay to far over backwards-and this is what I got. I don't have to leave the room to have a conversation with my son-WTF? It seems he's not happy unless he's keeping his little "secrets". And I am so tired of living this way.
Be careful. I too get the critisims of my son, while his SD17 is miss perfect. I wrote a post about taking my son & his gf out to supper one night-and H getting mad. He's only here very seldom, H is usually not around when he is. This is the only time, in 6 mos. of marriage, that he's even taken my son out. But he made sure and told me how rude my son was because BS & his GF went up to the bar to wait while I meal was being prepared. but I have been treated like something on SD17's shoe, and dare not say a word.
Yeah, I'm sick of it. Be very very careful. You have a young child to consider, also.
oh yes...........
I dont understand the secret phone calls...I mean what the big deal...Are they talking about his ex?? Ive tried and really drove myself crazy trying to figure out the deal on this...Is he grilling her about her mom? Or WHAT!!! My daughter is going thru the terrible preteens ( thats what i call it) she is very moody. And yes she has a very smart mouth...But she is still a child..She is going thru changes, and you would think that is he raised girls that he would know and understand this...But he doesnt...I dont think he had a big a hand in raising them as he allows...According to him he was SUPER DAD>>>>
Just my suggestion, but as you aren't married yet, I would push
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
the issue. And hard. Find out now. I can't tell you how fast I would've run if I'd seen this coming. And it won't go away, so I'm going to have to, when I can.
Get around your F & these SD's of his more, before you commit to marriage, and see if it changes. Hopefully with a little more familarity, it will. But then again, maybe not. H never treated me around his d's like he does now..and he doesn't around SD13 either. It's just around SD17. And that, dear girl, along with a number of other issues with H, is ruining (has ruined) this marriage for me.
Only you can decide whether you F and your D will be a good fit.
But if he has a negative attitude about it before you're married, you guys really need to work that one out, also. I didn't have a negative attitude before H and I married, and look at me now!
I understand
I understand, and i wonder.....Not everyone is the same..I realize that...but sometimes i think since these gilrs arent his he doesnt have that selfish seed removed...ya know that seed that we all have before our kids come along.....and some people that dont have Bio Children, but adoptive children, or even step chilren, dont have the selfish seed...Some and most are men...some people loose the seed and give themselves and others are centered around themselves and try and make it look like they are the selfless giving people.....Devil in disguise...
WELCOME to the world of CRAZY adult stepchildren!
Nicole,
Knowing they are not "his" makes it even more enfuriating..
PLEASE read all the posts here; DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN until
YOU ARE placed NUMBER ONE IN HIS LIFE; no EXCEPTIONS.
If I knew this site existed when I was still engaged, I would
have RUN LIKE HELL. My Hs kids were RUNNING OUR LIFE five years ago (25, 24, 20); we couldn't even take a PICTURE together
without them WHINING that "daddy" is taking pictures with another GIRL and not them...again, these are not LITTLE KIDS...
these are GROWN WOMEN!!
We went away to get married and his adult D(then 25) had the BALLS to call him to find out a "church schedule"...she was SO
JEALOUS that "daddy" was with another girl.
Five years later, it is somewhat "better", but I have so much
resentment for what I MISSED (I was never "a bride"; I was "the
other woman"); I wouldn't wish my life on ANYONE.
As of NOW, thanx to joining this site, I am resigned to the fact
that I will NEVER do anything MORE to try to "keep the peace";
I'll just MOVE ON with my life and my own daughter (16, a classy,beautiful YOUNG LADY!!)
Feel free to PM me. I can tell you are HURT; been there, done
that; it's just NOT WORTH IT!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Amen, Kittykat. I am becoming a believer in the old adage
"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere
Never marry a man with children. But I'd take it one step further-
never marry a man with daughters-grown or not!
hey
please becareful.... and everything kitty kat said again....
Sounds like he's
Sounds like he's over-compensating...like he doesn't want these girls thinking he's moved on with his life from their mom & has forgotten about them so he's acting like you aren't a big concern to him but she & her mother are...like he wanted to make sure she knew he was putting her first. I understand him not wanting the girl to feel awkward that she was out to dinner with her "dad" & his F that she doesn't know, but he did not handle it the right way. If the girl is a decent person, his actions would've even made her feel uncomfortable. But it sounds like he's keeping his life with you separate from his life with them. Ask him why he feels the need to do this.
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"