"Little" White Lies

Forums:

Wondering if anyone else is having trouble with this with their spouse or significant other.

For a long time I had all sorts of issues with my SS21. Over the last few months things have gotten increasingly better for which I am grateful. He goes to college about a 90 minutes away and lately we see him (and his girlfriend who appears to have been a really good influence on him) about once a month. They come for dinner and usually stay the night. They are nice and pleasant which is a drastic change from when SS was a teenager.

I first noticed this behavior of my husband a few years back but have lately been keeping a more consistent record of when the behavior happens... mostly to figure out if I'm out of my mind or whether it really is a pattern. I equate it to what poker players call a "string bet" (which is illegal by the way) where you put some money in the pot to bet while kind of gauging the table for their reaction and reach back for more money to add based on what you see (or what you can get away with).

Here's the latest example:

1) HUSBAND: I want to pick up SS21s high school friend at the airport on Friday, are you good with that? ME: "No problem"
2) HUSBAND: Just a reminder... XYZs flight is coming in on Friday night at mid-night, just so you don't forget... ME: "Okay"
3) HUSBAND: Wow, our weekend's getting really busy so I'm going to cancel the happy hour that I invited the neighbors to on Friday (translated... if it's a 90m drive to the airport its probably going to be tough to get that all done in one night since I have to get the kid at the aiport) ME: "Ummm, okay".
4) ME TO HUSBAND: Ummm, doesn't that flight arrival put you (husband) back at the house around 2AM? Is going to stay here? Friday only? Saturday (No response)
5) ME TO HUSBAND: Since isn't getting a car... are you going to have to take him some place(s) over the weekend? Can you let me know the plan? (Result: Bitchy response from husband that I'm a control freak and he doesn't know and "plans are up in the air").
6) ME TO HUSBAND: If is going to be here is SS21 going to be here, too? Is his girlfriend coming? (No response)

Do you guys ever get this sort of *feeding* of information in itty bitty pieces? From my perspective... I have no problem with any/all of the above activities (though I would have a year ago... I've gotten used to it and the SS21/girlfriend have far better manners these days) though I'd really like to have the intel to plan (clean the house, wash sheets, plan for meals, etc.) and I don't think that's being unreasonable. Do you folks?

As a side note... this past weekend when SS21 and GF came it was "to have a nice family dinner/weekend" which ultimately was "Oh, they have theatre tickets and are going to crash here and we'll have a nice breakfast on Sunday" which turned into "GF is sick and went home but SS21 needs a ride to the airport for his Spring Break European vacation... I should be home by mid-night" (on a "school" night).

Again, I don't have a problem with any of this stuff... its that I feel like there's intentional deception because I once would have had a problem with almost every weekend being consumed by college kids and my house being treated like a frat house. Oh, and the kid coming this weekend has a criminal record which doesn't entirely excite me.

Thanks, in advance, for your thoughts.

Pink

Stop making a clean house,

Stop making a clean house, food, etc for his guests. If he wants to go with the flow, well then there may not be a clean bathroom, nice family dinner, drinks etc...or he can run around and take care of it when his guests arrive. All you have to do is smile and say, "I am so sorry about whatever, I had no idea what the plans were".

Stop making a clean house,

It the lie of omission. He's

It the lie of omission. He's not telling you everything right away because he knows you won't agree to it. If he gradually dumps it on you, you'll accept it.

So if you know this is what he's doing why not stop it right away.

When he says I want to pick up SS friend at the airport, are you ok with it? Start asking questions.
Is it just the friend? Is he going to stay here? Does this mean we can't do anything else this weekend?

Lay it all out and question everything.

Thanks, Stalk. Your comments

Thanks, Stalk. Your comments are very helpful. I definitely lean on the side of control freak. Given the fact that my husband and I both have really busy work schedules (easily 6AM - 7/8PM at LEAST 5 days a week) I just don't want to be rushing around 10 minutes before guests arrive. Heck, invite 5 kids over... 10! I'll stock the snacks and order the pizza. I guess I just don't understand why it's so hard to tell me (at least in general) what's going on.

I think it's because he

I think it's because he thinks you'll say no and then there's an argument.
He's trying to avoid confrontation and conflict.

Why not just make your own

Why not just make your own plans as soon as you find out they are coming? And you also need to conveniently forget to go to the grocery store before they come in to town.

Let DH handle his crap weekends running his kids all over creation, he can also handle all the cooking and cleaning while they are there.

I don't expect SO to do one thing "normal" with me when his kids are over. EVERYTHING is put on freaking hold. Because I don't expect anything anymore I am never disappointed. I have my own things to do when the skids are in town so I am out and about about enjoying my fabulous life while he is enjoying his fabulous children's company. It works for us.

Stepped in... that's a great

Stepped in... that's a great point. That's what I did this past weekend when the SS and GF came. I was home enough to get *credit* for not intentionally avoiding them but certainly didn't do what we usually do which is shop in advance, make a fantastic dinner that takes most of the day and is cold when they are hours late. This situation is just a little different (in my eyes) because (though I heard he's changed) my husband last saw this kid when he was picking him up from JAIL in the middle of the night. SMH.

I usually distance myself

I usually distance myself from DH when he isn't forthcoming with his alternative plans and then when he gets upset or tries to make me feel guilty for them not working out, I just remind him that his plan are HIS plans and it's up to him to prep. There was a quote I got from her that went something like "a lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute as an emergency on mine" or something like that but you get the jest of it. If he doesn't want to clue you in in the beginning then he doesn't need to looking at you when thing fall apart.

pffft - if SO can't inform me

pffft - if SO can't inform me about anything I simply ignore it, if there's no clean room or clean sheets, I really do not care......

My opinion on this - while growing up the kids called the shots and the parents jumped, it's not like DH is hiding anything from you... he simply allows his child to call the shots and you have to follow. I'm not a follower, either you give me facts or you sit with guests in a dirty house....

it happened the past week-end again }:) Aergia decided to invited people for the week-end (I know this bitch and I made sure the spare bedroom was stripped, months ago) Thus she had 4 friends spending the week-end and they had no beds to sleep on...no bedding nothing... she was very very pissed off and screamed at SO - how does this look...
I replied - looks like shit but you are the host not us, cheers... and we left for the week-end...

I'm sorry but being cagey

I'm sorry but being cagey about being absent for hours in the middle of the night sets my Spidey senses tingling.

When people withhold info I need I cut them out of the loop and go to a better source. In this case, you can call the kid or his parents and find out. Just breezy. Not controlling. Get your head count.

This would also put my Spidey senses at ease. If they go, "huh? Kid is in Mexico till May" then you can ask your husband where he is really going in the middle of the night.

Sorry to bring that up. But I think it has to be considered when a spouse doesn't want to explain where they are and when to expect them in the middle of the night.

Thanks, Chief... thankfully

Thanks, Chief... thankfully the 'picking the kid up from jail' thing was a good half a dozen years ago.

And, here we go again... said

And, here we go again... said kid was supposed to be here F/S (of which I was INFORMED, not asked) on Friday morning. Whatever. I chose to not get upset about it. Kid was not impolite but basically emptied our liquor cabinet, did is laundry, and left late MONDAY. He went to see my SS21 (hist best friend) who inside of a day couldn't stand being around the kid (I lived through 3+).

Just got the text from my husband "Good news! You get to spend another night with XYZ kid! The boys have offered to cook dinner. Is that okay?" Like it's even a question at this point because I know it's already committed to. And, my husband doesn't get home until 7:45-8PM at night which will mean two screaming banshees plus probably the girlfriend arriving mid-day Thursday and staying through Friday morning (both of which are work days for me and I work from home).

I finally replied "Whatever, I'm sure it's already committed" (which the previous tense of the language of previous messages already implied). This turned into a text tirade with my husband saying "Sorry, I ruined your life. I'm the most terrible person ever... why do you stay with me anyway... blah blah blah". The normal bail-and-switch to try to get me to start a fight.

I'd ask if this mess is ever going to change but I already know the answer. "You hate my son. You hate his friends". No, dear, I hate that you don't have the integrity or consideration to keep your word. Especially when it involves overnight guests who are FELONS in my home".

Not the happiest camper today.

Correct... over the weekend

Correct... over the weekend (from F-M) FF was here (my husband was here most of the time with him Sat/Sun) and then at the last minute my husband wanted him to stay and extra night/day (Sun/Mon) while my husband went to work and I stayed at home (where I work). I asked a girl friend to stay with me Monday because I had no idea what this kid's behavior was going to be like. He wasn't a terrible jerk but it was tough to be in my work space and do my job while making certain that nothing accidentally "disappeared". Thank goodness for my girl friend who came over so I felt safe.

The LATEST request (sorry, STATEMENT) WAS that the kid (SS friend) come back for "one more night" (on his own) on Thursday night so that my husband can give him a ride to the airport on Friday morning because it's "easier" that his host (SS) doesn't have to drive him. I'm supposed to be enamored, I guess, that the boys (first indication that SS with be with him as well... which I'm not sure is better or worse) have offered to make dinner. REALLY? So, that means *someone* has to take them to get groceries, *someone* has to pay for groceries... and and and.

I'd rather starve.

That being said... I wonder where I should the bill for the time I now need to spend making sure none of our valuables are missing.

Hi Gimlet, FF's trip had

Hi Gimlet,

FF's trip had probably been planned for months. And, SS decided he was going to take another friend up on *better* travel plans. So, my husband, his brother and SS made plans to "pass him around" to stay at different people's houses. Except no one considered my opinion, schedule, comfort or... wait for it... ASKED.

And, I'm sure the assumption is that the *someone* will be me given the fact that my husband doesn't usually get home until 7:45-8PM at night. So, unless everyone (anyone?) wants to have dinner before 11 (I'm sure SS will be LONG gone by then... he's only coming down to rid himself of his high school friend that he invited without thinking and is cramping his style crashing on his sofa and probably hindering his sex life). I'm sure that the *someone* "ask" will come in around 5PM tomorrow night when my husband "couldn't get out of work when he expected". Well, that certainly isn't happening.

I get it that my husband is "go with the flow" and I have done a LOT to adjust over the years (probably 5X as much as my SS... but that's better than nothing and I appreciate it). But, I've met FF TWICE (when he was 14 and 16yo... he's now 20) and has been arrested more than once since then so to me this seems like a whole different rule set applies. I mean, what am I going to do if he gets in a drunken/drug induced stupor and starts punching in walls (he's very proud of these stories from when he was in jail) except call the cops.

Like last weekend... Friday night (for one night, when my husband was home) didn't seem so bad... but then it was Sat., and Sun., and Monday day... No doubt the SS plans on showing up tomorrow afternoon just long enough to dump him, throwing back a couple of beers (FF is also underage and am fairly certain has marijuana in his possession which I am supposed to tolerate because he has a prescription... though the story of how he "games" his doctor for that is entertaining), SS will leave. I'll have a few more hours alone with the kid. Not going to fly.

I'll be locking up the house tight mid-afternoon, going to catch a movie with a friend and returning once my husband is home. And, just because I am feeling particularly bitchy that way, I don't think I'll mention to anyone that I won't be home and the house will be locked up like Fort Knox. Let them sit in the driveway.

Now you're talking. If you

Now you're talking. If you are not given the consideration of asking if you are okay with the situation, let alone given details that impact you, leave and carry on. I would make arrangements to have to go into the office for a meeting, whatever. Take your work to your friend's house or the coffee shop or library. Don't let this be YOUR problem.

Hi folks, Well, things

Hi folks,

Well, things weren't nearly as bad as I anticipated... but fun stories since then so I thought I would check in...

I made an appearance after my husband got home and the kids arrived shortly after that. My husband was going to have a "firm conversation" with FF. Afterwards I hear "Well really just needed someone to talk to... I think the days with SS21 were really just a series of misunderstandings... blah blah blah". WHATEVER. Surely all the FFs disastrous (and often illegal) activities and behavior are now going to turn on a dime! My husband picked up pizza on the way home. (Not the first time the *dinner* bait has been a ploy but I expect it at this point). Both kids spent the night. And both (plus husband) were gone before I woke up the next morning. FF on a plane to NYC (because that's a REAL safe place/bright choice for a minor with drinking/drug/violence issues; SS on his way back to school.

SURVIVED!

Fun phone call to my husband this afternoon, though... kid's in Harlem (where he is/was staying with a friend) and blew all his cash and maxed his credit card and now has no way to get to the airport. So, he called my husband to ask for $150. It appears he went through all his cash and maxed his credit cards out at a strip club last night (hmmm... thought you had to be 21yo for those). Now FF a good $100 in transportation fees (and probably 90 minutes) from his flight back to LA which is 90 minutes from now. He doesn't call his mother or his father for money. Or one of his brothers. He calls MY HUSBAND.

Wow! That "eye opening conversation" about his behavior was certainly a wake up call, wasn't it!? At least my husband told me about it rather than just giving him money (though he did leave the door open to cave in which I suspect he will do which I don't entirely disapprove of... the longer he's on the East Coast the more likely he's going to land back on our doorstep which I CERTAINLY don't want to deal with).

I'm seriously considering manufacturing bumper stickers that say "My kid is an entitled little sh*t, what about yours" to replace the bumper stickers on the car's of the parent's of millennials that used to read "My kid in an honors student".

Good times! You almost have to laugh or you'll cry.

Pink

You are here