Parent time is DH's time, not mine.
I have been married 3 years. No kids of my own and not wanting any ever. Husband has 2 that live out of state. As long as I've known him, we have seen them a maximum of 8 days per month. His ex has decided that she wants him to see the skids more.
Last summer was the first year they stayed at my house. It made me realize how much I don't enjoy doing 'the kid thing'. All the meals, cooking, cleaning, entertaining and cost really sucked. We have moments that are ok but these skids are nothing special. Any time I have tried to do something fun for them, it's like pulling teeth and they are argumentative or even have a full temper tantrum meltdown before we get in the car to go do something fun. Then of course, they end up loving what I took them to do. But it's so much to-do and energy and maybe it's because I am the 'step', but I don't feel fulfilled or gratified giving of myself to them. I only feel depleted and looking forward to them leaving. The skids are low achievers in school. One has behavior issues and has every pill and diagnosis possible that translates to 'A-hole kid'. They aren't my DNA and it's hard for me to relate to kids that have no interests other than TV or wild entertainment.
DH had his own home when we married and his parents actually live in it now. DH moved into my house when we married. The weekends of visitation I can get through because it's really only a day and a half. The longer stints drove me insane and I had very severe anxiety over having two more bodies in my house, touching my things, breaking my things, eating my food...just hearing them moving around in my house gave me the shakes! I don't know what to tell you, other than I really hate the 'family' thing. I don't want to be doing dishes all day etc. I realized I may have offered my house up for 'parent time' too soon and perhaps it should go back to the way it was when DH had the skids at his house.
DH was the one who brought it up this summer. He suggested he take his kids to the other house and then do a mini-vacation with his kids. What's the harm? We tried it. It's been 6 days so far and DH and I have not gotten along this well EVER, regarding his kids. It's been nice. I haven't seen them once and for the first time, I don't feel like a raving B.
I am trying to reason with myself that this time is DH's time with his kids...I get him the rest of the time pretty much.
I had tried disengagement and removing myself from the house, staying busy or locking myself in my room in the past. I felt like a prisoner and I felt as though I was trying to alter reality.
Bottom line, I feel a bit lonely and I don't like the long skid visits but at least I have a quiet home this time.
Even when DH and the skids have stayed at my house in the past, I still feel lonely and I think that's because I become so dissatisfied with life when it's forced 'family time'. They aren't my family and perhaps I need to let up on myself and stop trying to make societal expectations fit my life.
They aren't my kids to parent. I didn't have kids. I am not mom and don't want to be. At least my husband doesn't demand I am a brady bunch step-mom. He allows me my space and he just reminds me that the kids don't visit very much or very long.
I think it is okay, you are
I think it is okay, you are good with it and so is your dh. The kids could prolly care less if you are there or not, they are there to see Dad. Proceed as you are doing.
"allow our partners the
"allow our partners the freedom to be with their kids. They are under a duty to allow that we don't feel the same way and not to judge or condemn us for it."
Your statement brought me to tears, so yes, I suppose I am here for validation.
Yes, I am very afraid that this won't work out. I don't trust my boundaries either. I will have a really good day and soften and offer for the skids to stay with me.....always a mistake and my back and forth with the skids is unfair to them.
DH said his ideal is we all live together when they visit but he will do whatever it takes to keep the peace...and this week there has been peace. First time in three years of visits!
He stayed one night at home with me following date night. One out of seven nights together...I am feeling a little neglected. Should I let that go and just find a way to be supportive to him and his 2 weeks with his kids? I do need advice on that and how to be ok if he travels out of state for 2-4 weeks to see them. Any advice from anyone on that would be helpful.
The 2-4 weeks every 2 months
The 2-4 weeks every 2 months is just an idea we are kicking around.
But UPDATE: The shit just hit the fan and he blew up at me. He showed up after his counseling session and wanted to hang on to me and be close. He cried and said how broken he was. He feels inadequate for me, his kids, parents, ex, work etc. His counselor suggested an inpatient stay and I offered to support him in that. I told him I would handle everything he usually has to and would help him get back to basics of eating, sleeping, hydrating (HE'S REALLY NOT TAKING CARE OF HIMSELF). I told him to go on a retreat and have time away from me, his kids, life. (THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN HIS KIDS ARE HERE---HE HAS A FULL EMOTIONAL BREAKDOWN.) Can anyone understand why I need distance from this?!
He said it's unreasonable that he can't bring his kids to my house. In the same conversation, he said he will be parenting away from the home. ??????
I told him if he could make me feel better by keeping in good contact via phone, making sure the housework is taken care of before he leaves etc I feel much better about him taking his parent time. Today he flipped and left in a fuss but then instantly text me that he is feeling ill and has lost all this weight (unhealthy) and is not himself and not communicating well. His doctor tried putting him on bi-polar meds FYI. (He took them 3 days, didn't like them and went off. Not how those are supposed to be used.)
SUE: you are right that if I can't deal with the time he spends with the kids, he's not the guy for me. I don't have that answer yet. I keep telling myself that once things are handled, I will feel better and have less stress.
PLEASE HELP, ANYONE. I FEEL TOTALLY ISOLATED AND LIKE I AM GOING TO SNAP. I CANNOT RELAX ANYMORE OR PAINT ON A HAPPY FACE. THE UPS AND DOWNS ARE TOO VOLATILE. I think he may actually be bi-polar.
Thank you. You and
Thank you. You and Sue...everyone is being really helpful.
I'm at my wits end and really falling apart here. Your words of experience and advice is truly helpful.
Sounds like it's working to
Sounds like it's working to me!
Though not skid related I
Though not skid related I deal with my bride's visits with my ILs in much this same way. The situation with my ILs is all toothless redneck drama all of the time and I do not deal with it very well or at least not in a way that is overly supportive of my bride's preferences.
So, I tend to go on every 5th of so IL land visit. I can gird my loins to bite my tongue for about a week to ten days every few years or so but any more than that and I get brutally fact based which does not go over well with the IL clan. Of course no one likes to have their Emperor's New Clothes bullshit pointed out to them but ..... when the bullshit piles to high... I point it out without much sugar coating.
We are due to visit my ILs begining Friday and their crap has already started. DW called her mother to let her know we may have some schedule changes for this trip due to the Air France flight attendants strike that is due to start on the 27th and will likely cancel our departure flight for IL land on the 29th.
My MIL was snippy with my wife and after that talk my wife cogetated on it for a bit then asked me .... "Is everyone in my family just an asshole?" :jawdrop: Ummmm. How can I possibly answer that question and remain alive?
My bride is much like your DH in that she recognizes that my tolerance for her family is limited much as your DH understands that your tolerance for the Skid invasion of your home is limited.