PLEASE HELP! ANY IDEAS ON WHAT I SHOULD DO!?
Okay I'm glad I found this sight and I'm hoping some of you can give me some honest advice.
I've been with my girlfriend for about 10 months now and when I first met her daughter I was nervous because I've only been in only one other relationship with a single mom.
Anyways my step daughter is 7 years old aND is about to turn 8 this December. Everything was fine and smooth when it came to her, but I started seeing some cracks in my girlfriends parenting and in the child's attitude.
My step daughter is extremely disrespectful, rude, and egocentric. I first gave my girlfriend the hint that I did not like how this child speaks to her grandma. She would yell, andoesn't when grandma would try to say something this child would put her hand up in her face and tell her to stop.
I drew the line with this kid when they were over at my place one night and my girlfriend was trying to discipline her and the kid then yelled at her mom. I raised my tone and told her to NOT talk to her mom like that. The kid started crying, but I have had enough by that point and I had to talk to my girlfriend and asked her "What is going in with your daughter?"
We then agreed on Co-parenting. At first when we met my step daughter would be in her room playing, drawing, and coloring. Now she does none of that. She is always on the TV, her phone or on some electronic device and anytime anyone tells her to put it away....she yells and screams....it's to the point where she acts like she's getting beat. She also has a problem sleeping in her own damn room. She always either wants to sleep with her grandma or us....but I cut that short because I also had to draw the line there. This child has her own room....yet she's never in it and is always in our room, but like I said that situation has been fixed to an extent because this kid STILL finds a way to sleep in her grandma's room or seek into bed with us in the very early mornings.
My step daughter is a good kid, but her mom did spoil her a ton before I arrived to the picture. That being said she got away with a lot of things before, but not so much now. Thing is...it's a struggle because she is still disrespectful and rude. She shuts us up and covers her ears and throws tantrums. She cries CONSTANTLY over small things like her mom telling her to go play in her room, eat dinner,or cleaning up her room.
She does this weird thing wear she puts her hands down and whines like a dog when you try to discipline her. She's unfortunately kind of slow when it comes to school. She can't read, or write well for her age and constantly struggles because she is lazy and always wants to be on her tablet.
My girlfriend and I clash because she is too soft with her, even when my girlfriend knows her daughter is rude, and manipulative.
She doesn't read, or write so she is never progressing when it comes time to being creative.
She doesn't clean
She doesn't sleep in her own room
Eats nothing but junk food
Crys over miniscule things.
Worst of all she is disrespectful and rude.
My case is one of those "you gotta see it to believe it" because I thought I was being too hard or mean at first but then I noticed my own girlfriends friends where very bothered by this child's behavior.
I don't know what to do. Sometimes I can't stand her anymore, but I love my girlfriend and I understand that it's a package deal, but this kid is just so disrespectful that it hurts me to wonder how difficult it's going to be for her when she grows up if she doesn't start listening. I sometimes think she may have aspergers because of how awkward she is and how hard it is for her to pay attention.
What should I do?
Whatever you do you should
Whatever you do you should never run even the slightest risk that you will spawn with this parental waste of skin. Protect your own gene pool from her shallow and polluted one.
If she is this much of an abject parental failure what makes her so enamoring for you? I would estimate that there is not much there beyond the warm tingly feeling she gives you. An equity life partner must be far more than just a lover and there has to be far more to the character of the person and far more to the relationship than just intimacy.
Just my thoughts of course.
You cannot co-parent with
You cannot co-parent with this person, because you are NOT the parent.
FFS.
If you think it's bad now, wait.....stay with her.Marry her. Have more kids with her. She's going to be just as horrible as a mom as she is with the one she has. And as this little girl grows up, her behavior will get worse because mom refuses to parent her child.
Stay and be miserable trying to change things. Or break things off and find someone either who effectively parents their kids or who doesn't have them.
Leave while you still can.
Leave while you still can. The child is only going to get worse and you will end up bailing on both of them from frustration and resentment.
Last night when I wrote it is
Last night when I wrote it is was doino it on haste.
My girlfriend does discipline her, but like yesterday.....
The kid was on her phone (as usual) and when her mom told her to get off and read a book she started pouting, and being disrespectful. Talking about how she hates reading and all that bullshit. So as my girlfriend was trying to say something this kid kept talking back to hereality, so I told her to quit her attitude and read she then put her hand up (like the motion people jokingly use "talk to the hand") I immediately got upset and said well you're not going to use any electronics for the rest of the week. She of course cried.
So after all that drama my girlfriends good friend and her 2 year old are watching this bullshit unfold. Her friend then takes the kid and makes her read a chapter....while she is reading she is struggling because she never practices. When she's done her friend ask her "what was it about" the kid then answers "book" so my girlfriends, friend ask the kid again "what is it about, you can't just read and not pay attention, because they're going to ask you questions like that at school" the kid answers again "book" she asks her again and again the same stupid response. My girlfriends, friend is disappointed in her facial expression and tells her she wouldoesn't like for her to at least be a good example for her 2 year old. This kid later goes up to the 2 year old while she's in her chair eating and starts rocking the chair.....both me and my girl tell her to stop and she looks at us and DOES IT AGAIN! At this moment the kid is upset and is begging for attention while pouting. She then of course goes upstairs to her grandma, but it seems this time her grandma surprisingly must of told her to go away, because she comes back down and is LITERALLY WHINING LIKE A DOG (You know that sound that dogs make when they whine or cry a little) and runs behind a door still making her whining sound. By this time my girlfriend has had enough and totally ignores her and me, my girlfriend, her friend and her boyfriend all go outside so they can smoke a cigarette leaving the kid inside torturing herself.
This afternoon I go to my girlfriends to pick up my sweater. She admitted to letting her on the tablet and that when she told her to get off she threw a tantrum. I immediately get upset and tell her that I'm getting to my breaking point, because when she does that she is just showing her daughter that it's okay to be disrespectful to everyone. We had a talk and I told her I'm getting tired of the bullshit and her weakness, when it comes to disciplining her daughter. This kid lives a normal average life and has food, clothes, and love but still is disrespectful. I told my girl that she needs to look into maybe getting her kid some help.
She has a dad and he's an asshole, but he's a good dad and he agrees with a lot of the things I say. The child of course says her dad is mean to her, because he does discipline her and the same goes for me. I told my girlfriend that I can't just sit back and watch her daughter be so disrespectful to her or anybody when I'm around.
I truly still do think she might haveven aspergers or maybe she is just slow, but honestly it's her fault because we do push her to be more creative and to practice reading and writing but she doesn't care for that.
I know you guys just want me to leave her, but I can't. If things don't change in her parenting and in the kids behavior then I will be moving on. I just don't like giving up on people.
Leaving is of course not the
Leaving is of course not the only option. I tend to not be a proponent of it unless the situation is untenable.
You do need to go back and read your original post, review the entire situation, and make a considered judgment on what specifically must happen for this relationship to work. You are partnered with a woman who is crashing and burning as a parent. You know it, her friends know it, and unless she is as thick as a rock she knows it too. Yet she does nothing to deal with the situation effectively.
I understand not wanting to give up on people. However, keep in mind that my tolerating this you are giving up on someone. You are giving up on yourself. I would suggest that it is time to buy a lockable file cabinet or even a safe, when you restrict this kid from electronics then you need to lock that device up where you and only you have access to it. Your GF has proven she has neither the will nor the character to stay the course in disciplining her daughter so she should not have a key or combination to your lockable space.
What is it about this woman that makes you so committed to not giving up on her? What does she bring to the table of your quality of life that potentially makes her “the” one? Not giving up on people is absolutely the WRONG answer to this question.
A question. Why was your GF’s friend the one sitting down with the SD to work with her on reading? Where was your GF? This kid will need more than “put down the tablet and go read” to improve her academic performance. This is going to take at least an hour each and every night of either you or your GF giving this little girl one on one time, listening to her read, helping her with the process, then engaging her to explain what she just read. I suspect that her answer of “book” when asked what the story she read was about is pure manipulation but since no one seems to invest any time in working with her it may actually be that she does not understand that reading involves thought and is far more involved than taping a button on a tablet.
You and GF need to keep in mind that this kid is 8yo. She is not 2 and she is not an adult. She needs to be expected and held to acceptable 8yo behaviors. As a kid it is critical that you and GF also realize that she gets no say. She does what she is told to do when she is told to do it. It has been repeatedly said that this little girl does not like to practice her reading. Who cares what she likes to practice? You and your Gf need to be in her face, moving her to the location where she reads, take all of her electronic devices, turn off the TV and work with her all while internalizing the message and giving her the massage that SHE HAS NO CHOICE!!!!!! If you engage her and make it interesting she will eventually foster a love for reading. Electronic device based mind numbing entertainment does not a reader make.
How much are you willing to invest in this situation? How much are you willing to allow your GF to abdicate to you regarding raising her daughter? The truth is that this little girl is not the problem. Your GF is the problem and at is why in my earlier comment I advised you to avoid spawning with this woman at all costs. The odds of your GF becoming a decent mother are slim. Keep that in mind before you choose her to be the mother of your children.
You are the only one who can make this decision and together you and GF are the only people who have skin in this game.
Be very, very, careful how you proceed. If you choose to stay I suggest you invest in a paddle and get used to applying it liberally and regularly to this kids butt. At this late stage of her childhood the odds of her catching a clue through less synaptically stimulating methods are slim and none IMHO.
And ... get a vasectomy.
Good luck.
There are a lot of folks on
There are a lot of folks on this site who think that leaving is the only way to solve a problem. But you and only you can make that choice. If you're up for the challenge then take it on. But here is where reality sets in...you have a very different set of standards for parenting children. Your values are diabolically opposed to those of your girlfriend. She will not easily meet you in the middle much less all the way. Her daughter has almost 8 years of bad habits engrained in her way of being. She is not going to like being disciplined differently and the amount of time and energy it will take to make this a consistent way of life would be a full time job for even an experienced and knowledgable parent. If your GF wants to make changes she needs to start with the pediatrician to see if there is any symptoms of an underlying issue. Next, she needs to be actively involved with the school, advocating for learning plans to bring her daughter up to speed and last she needs to decide what the house rules will be and the consequences for breaking the house rule. Some things to consider: her chores-keep her room clean, fold the towels and wash cloths, set the table a few nights a week, etc...what is the expectation for her academics-reading for 10 minutes every night, doing flash cards for math, practicing penmanship. None of this needs to be punishment and should be fun. Consider an app for the phone that helps give praise for her accomplishment. She may not be ready to process what she is reading yet...her development is critical to that success but if she feels like she isn't successful it will stunt her development as a reader. My daughter and I used to take turns reading. I'd read two pages and she would read one. I held the book so she could follow along as I read. She became an exceptional reader and LOVES to read. Choose books that are fun and not to challenging. Books that rhyme or tell a silly story Like Junie B Jones make it fun. If there is undesirable behavior a short time out without drama or tension is proper. But she will know about her consequences before she behaves badly so all GF needs to say is "(name) you know we don't tolerate (behavior like sassy talk, whining, yelling, etc...) please take your time out in your room for five minutes. If you're ready in five minutes to act accordingly you may come back. If not, you can stay longer. I'll see you when you're ready to act properly. Make sure your GF/grandma/you praises her when she comes back and acts appropriately. Make sure she has plenty of time alone with mom at bedtime, etc...she needs her momma time to feel like she's important. Bedtime should always be calm and routine. Always.
The child and her needs should be number one and everyone should expect to cater to those needs. If it's time for reading (according to the house rules) there should not be guests in the house. The child is not expected to set an example at this age...she doesn't even know what that looks like and still is looking for her own role models.
What's your role? You are support only. If your GF wants to take parenting classes you should attend with her so you know what she is trying to accomplish. There are some great parenting books out there. You should read and read and read. If she'll read with you, all the better. If the child is acting appropriately, you could stop and buy her a treat-something small-maybe a coloring book, or a yo yo that you teach her how to use, or you could take her alone for an ice cream and talk about silly things. Not serious...except to hug her and say how you have noticed her great behavior and that it makes you proud. She needs to see you as neutral while also being the support her mom needs. You agree with her mom on every single issue while she is around. If there is conversation about something you disagree with it always happens outside of her earshot. Always.
If there is one thing I know for sure, if you have aspirations of changing this up without your GF's buy in, you aren't realistic. If she's not on board, enjoy her but you will want to consider having a relationship that does not put you in the same place as her daughter. Ultimately, you two may create issues for this child because her mom/you don't have the same parenting values. It's not the child's fault her mom needs more parenting education.
And finally, even if this child is diagnosed with an issue she still needs good parenting and your GF can give that to her if she thinks it's important enough.
Best to you all!
My friend please read my
My friend please read my posts. I made the biggest mistake of my life. I saw all these things and married ANYWAY. Now I am looking down the barrel of divorce. I wasted some good years of my life and emotionally invested in a deflating stock and no dividends. If only I would have listened to the words I am giving you now:
YOU WILL BE MISERABLE. GET OUT OF THIS AND SAVE YOURSELF.
Most everything Snikees
Most everything Snikees said.
Your girlfriend needs parenting classes!!!
Also, DO NOT get her pregnant. :O