Teenager using Drugs.... Should I send her away?
Hi, I'm new to this forum, and lately I've been feeling like I have run out of options, so I'm hoping other stepparents with teenagers can help me with a certain issue.
Here's a little backstory: I have been a stepmother to my 17 year old daughter for nearly 7 years. My DH has full custody so she lives with us full time. BM lives in a different city and only sees her daughter during summer for about 2 weeks. She hasn't been a very involved parent, thus far...doesn't pay child support, hardly visits or calls (which I'm sure is part of the problem).
Lately, we have discovered that my SD has been using drugs. She has all the symptoms too. Grades dropping, depression, different social circle, avoids family time, etc. When we found out about this, her punishment was to spend more time with the family, which we have been trying to do more of. This weekend she admitted that she had rejected an intern opportunity that we worked really hard to get her into and stated she simply wanted to "relax" this summer. She emailed the professor without our knowledge and turned down this wonderful opportunity. This discovery has angered me in such a way, which I can only determine equates to all the pent up issues.
We also have a two year old in the home, my BD, whom I worry about. If my SD brings drugs home, I worry my toddler will get into them, thinking they are candy. I am having mixed feeling about our home situation. I feel that I want to send SD away to stay with her BM all summer for two reasons. One, so they can bond, which I think might help SD (though my DH believes her BM will be a bad influence) and two, because I need a break from step parenting. I feel that if she stays here in the summer, she will have access peer pressure, drugs, and honestly, I don't want her just being lazy around here. I was so excited for this intern opportunity for her and she screwed that up. I am extremely frustrated with the whole situation and I'm basically looking for some support or some advice on how to handle this situation from my standpoint.
what kind of drugs do you
what kind of drugs do you think she is on? If it were me, I'd be really freaking it out if it were meth or oxycodone and a little bit more less apprehensive if it were say, marijuana.
It started with marijuana,
It started with marijuana, but we just confiscated ecstasy pills! God knows what else she's been doing behind our backs.
You probably want to add
You probably want to add heroin to that list of bad drugs. It's becoming an epidemic. I talked to someone yesterday who said it's becoming harder to hire workers because they can't pass the drug tests. I thought he was referring to weed - but he said no it was heroin that most were testing positive for.
Yep. And the heroin epidemic
Yep. And the heroin epidemic has started because the government cracked down on the pill mills and I think oxycodone and hydrocodone and one other codone are similar to heroin in their chemical makeup.
Well, I really hope that's
Well, I really hope that's not the case. Regardless, I'm looking for a solution to this problem....
We have started drug testing and monitoring her more closely, but she is basically an adult now. My main concern is that she will bring these drugs home, where my toddler can possibly have access to them. I have already expressed to DH if she is caught with ANY more drugs, we would need to send her away. I have to look after the wellbeing of my child.
True story. My daughter is
True story. My daughter is now 20 months old. Last March I had her in one of those baby wearing contraptions and I was doing laundry. Lickety split, she had grabbed a laundry pod and bit down on it with her sharp little tooth and some laundry soap got in her mouth. Within 10 minutes she was limp and non responsive. It was an entire day at the ER and an admittance into the hospital and the very , very worse day of my life.
Some people will say, awww, what are the odds your toddler is going to put something in their mouth, like SD's drugs. Pretty good, I would say. I think your fear is very valid. They put everything in their mouth and some laundry soap seriously poisoned my child. Just think would ecstasy or some other pill would do!
She must go if she is bringing hard drugs in your house.
I agree, your FIRST priority
I agree, your FIRST priority is to protect your young child, the 17 year old knows better and she should have to learn a hard lesson...kick her ass out!!!
She may be almost an adult
She may be almost an adult but isn't yet and legally still your problem if she does something stupid. I wouldn't want anything near my child or in my house. Period. There have been cases of people having their homes, vehicles, etc... seized because of other peoples drugs found inside. Be very, very careful.
total lockdown, remove
total lockdown, remove everything from her bedroom but her mattress, a bible and a sketch book.
random pat-downs. backpack, coat pocket, pants pocket checks at random times. no tv, computer, tablet or phone.
if she fails a drug screen, make her go to weekly treatment classes.
this needs to come from your dh. if she has any time at home alone, hire a babysitter.
this is what my dad did to my brother for six months. it was effective in deterring him from bringing that $#!t in the house ever again.
We had this same issue with
We had this same issue with my SS. We started drug testing him. I ordered a pack of drug tests on Amazon for like $10. There are 17 test strips in the box so we can test him at any time. We started finding bottles of urine tucked away behind the toilet. As it turns out, my SS was storing "clean" urine in the bathroom to try and trick us! Too bad his dad stands right next to him in the bathroom to make sure its his own urine. My SS is always on restriction. it sux babysitting a fking 16 year old. it really does!
The thing is, we have tried
The thing is, we have tried the strict parenting before and it only seems to make things worse! We have gone as far as taking her privacy, making her leave the door open even while using the restroom. All that's ever done for us, is escalate things dramatically. So this time, we are trying a different approach. The - You are Forced to Spend time with your Family- punishment. This seems to be working thus far. She is participating in dinner conversations, coming out of her room more often, etc. We will continue to drug test and check her room randomly, but what should the next consequence be if this continues? She has been warned that if we find drugs in her possession again, she will be kicked out of the house immediately. I suppose all I can do is hope that what we are doing will work to deter her from continuing on this downward spiral. I am also requesting DH spend more time with her alone...take her out on dates and such. I pray that their bond will strengthen and she chooses to do the right thing. I know being a teenager is a difficult transition in life, but all I hope for her is the very best in life.
I thank you all for the advice and support you have shown on this post. It really helps to know I'm not alone. I am so happy I found this forum. Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I do feel more collected and enlightened now, thanks to you all.
There's a group called
There's a group called Nar-Anon similar to Al-Anon. If it's not available or the group doesn't work for you then you can also try the Al-Anon resources. Some people with drug issues often find an AA meeting that works better for them than a NA meeting. It's all about finding the right group to be supportive - addiction is still addiction.
Do any of you have an employer that offers an Employee Assistance program? Or even the school system. Reach out to any resources that you can find. Do not try to keep this a "secret".
We can offer support and advice here with the best intentions - but there's probably better resources out there from people who have been through this. Unfortunately this is not a rare situation.
Well, legally, I could call
Well, legally, I could call the cops on her like someone suggested, but I wouldn't do that. She lives in my house, so I do have a say in what happens here. I have talked to DH about it and he agrees in sending her away for the summer. It is actually part of the custody agreement that she spends most of her summer vacation with her mother. We will be giving her an ultimatum, either she takes that summer internship or she stays with her mom all summer. She is not just going to hang out around my house being lazy all summer.
So, spending time with the
So, spending time with the family is punishment? :? It seems that would be a reward. We learned long ago that doing what they should be doing normally should never be a punishment. Chores, etc.... Not punishments.
And yes, you need to send her away... in hand cuffs. Before she turns 18 and ends up with drug violations on her permanent record. Call the police now. Have her tested and arrested. She has no business in proximity to the family until she gets her shit together.
Update: SD came home with a
Update: SD came home with a pot brownie this week and today she has moved out to gramma's house. I don't know if that will be worse or better (since Gramma spoils her rotten) but at least she is no longer endangering my toddler. Starting Monday, Gramma will take her to see a psychologist who specializes in teenagers with addictions. We have not decided how temporary/permanent this living situation will be, but for now that is what we have come up with.
If she is willing to change her behavior, I have no problem letting her come back home, but she needs to make that commitment for herself. We can no longer enable her destructive behavior.
WTH did she get the pot
WTH did she get the pot brownie??
No idea! But that was the
No idea! But that was the last straw. I have a toddler in the house and there is now way my child would know the difference between a pot brownie and a regular one.....so she is staying at grandma's until we can figure out a solution. Im thinking of just sending her with her BM all summer....I really need a break.
The mood in the house has been much more relaxing since she's been gone. I am enjoying every second of it!
Yeah, school is so tough,
Yeah, school is so tough, they need a vacation from it. Too bad there are no work-study programs in high school. We have a community service work hours requirement, for graduation, but all Winona seems to do is sit around or joke with the old folks. Shes actually good with old folks (her yelling skills), and Ive asked if this was a potential career choice. She wants to go into psychology. pffft.
I think you should do
I think you should do something...