4-5 Year Old Girl Power Play
I don't have girls, so not sure how to handle this attention-seeking behavior...
SCENARIO:
I'm cooking a huge dinner for everyone. Sometimes I let SO's girls, 4 (almost 5) and 8 help me, but this time I needed to do everything myself since it takes twice as long to cook if/when they help. Plus, it's extra talking. I am rather introverted so I enjoy being in my head while cooking. Oldest girl is in my face talking, talking, and more talking and asked if she could help three times. Annoying. Youngest daughter comes in and asks if she can help, too. They are on either side of me, in my way.
Finally, I tell both of them, "Okay, I need to do this by myself, so everyone out of the kitchen please." And I shoo them away. Oldest girl listens and leaves. Youngest girl says, "NO!" It's now a little game. Great. I'm looking for her dad. He's on the couch falling asleep.
I say again, "Alright, you need to leave the kitchen now." A little louder so dad can hear. She says, "NO!" and is waiting for me to do something. I don't feel like playing and I was caught off guard. Kids usually listen to me. I walk out of the kitchen, peek into the living room and say, "Will you please get your daughter? I'm trying to cook." He gets up, gets the girl, she cries, he gives her attention (which she wanted anyway) and then she acts out towards me a little later.
QUESTION:
How do you handle this type of behavior - kids not listening - with someone else's kid? And how do you handle "NO" with your own kids? My son gets "the look" if he acts out and I don't remember him having the "NO!" phase. Is that a girl thing? Or just an attention thing?
Regardless, I did NOT like being a tattletale about SO's daughter (as that puts us on the same authority-level), but I am not going to tolerate not being listened to by a child. She also did something similar when I was trying to get into the bathroom - blocking the door...being a little shit. I distracted/redirected that time. So I'm just figuring out how to do this in the future. I have made it clear to SO and his oldest daughter that I am not interested in being anyone's stepmother, but I am an adult and I expect respect in my home.
What do YOU do to get kids to listen to you when they aren't your kids? SO will back me up (when he's not dozing on couch LOL)...just need to know how to handle this power play because of course, the little darlings will be back this weekend. 
Thank you! This is what I
Thank you! This is what I was thinking. I was caught off guard and I know it was undermining myself. Ugh. I want to raise my voice because these little girls actually get on my nerves a lot... but after a year of PAS and a crazy BM that was gunning for me for no reason, I am extra leery of everything I do. Thanks again.
Agree with Echo. This is
Agree with Echo. This is probably what I would do. It shows her that YOU mean business and that you are in charge and you dont need to go to her daddy to mean business. You can handle business yourself.
I dont remember my BS ever telling me outright- NO when I told him to do something. I am sure he did though, he was a very strong willed kid from like 2-7. A little shit head to be honest for like 5 years, so I am sure he did. But I dont remember how I handled it. But I like Echo's response.
LOL I can try that.
LOL
I can try that.
wow! you never had NO from
wow! you never had NO from your bios? we have this so often I live it. We have boys. They are oppositionality incarnate.
I would suggest you check with DH what is to be his discipline method for the girls -- such as time out. Then implement exactly the same. Do not let him get away with having no discipline method.
I get that you do not want to present yourself as a carer, nor did I. But if you fully disengage from a kid this age they will not have the psychological capacity to understand imo, unless you explain everything very clearly and NEVER have sole care of them or allow the spouse even a short absence. The spouse would have to stay awake the whole time and watch more closely, as indeed he would have to if you were not in the house: that would then allow you to fully disengage. For as long as he does not do that then in the child's view you are a carer for the time being and until the complexities are fully explained, the same way as a teacher or aunt is. They need to see consistency and that you are of equal status from a discipline pov with your spouse. The big mistake I made in my skids' early childhood was to abstain from all discipline always leaving it to him. In a small child's mind that simply made me look like another child.
Check to see what his
Check to see what his discipline method is? HA! He just got visitation after a year of no contact...before that, he lived with his mother. His discipline method is yelling.
You are absolutely right...I need to figure out from him what his method will be and do it. He totally tells them to act good for me, but of course, they are little people, so they suck.
And no, I really don't remember my son EVER questioning my authority by saying "NO". He's fine telling me his opinion now, but not as a child just being bratty. Guess I lucked out.
oh dear that does not bode
oh dear that does not bode well. If he had a year of no contact he will now be so eternally grateful to see them that he will never discipline. Plus if BM withheld visitation then these girls are going to be taught power games by her. If he himself lived with his mom are there boundary issues? And if he yells, you will not be able to tolerate it. He needs to get his approach to discipline in line with yours fast or this is just not going to work for you -- there seem too many opportunities for conflict lying in the wings of your setup.
You're right...and that's a
You're right...and that's a fear of mine. Thankfully, he did go to court and handle all the visitation legally, so he knows his rights now. I honestly don't care if he disciplines differently. I would just like to see that he takes care of his little brats and I'll take care of mine. I'm sure he'll step up...it's early.
With bios I say no, if it's
With bios I say no, if it's challenged they may or may not get a warning/reminder and then it's time out. With steps, they usually listen to me, but if they pull the same crap I do the same thing. "I asked you once, I am asking you again, there will be a consequence if I have to ask you a third time." and then enforce the consequence. By the third or fourth time you instill it, they will realize testing your boundaries is no fun and go back to annoying dad.
Very good stuff. But what
Very good stuff. But what consequence do you use? Or have you not had to?
I have had to catch myself because in my mind I say, "YOU WILL NOT BE ALLOWED BACK INTO MY HOUSE!" ...but I can't say that aloud, no matter how much I mean it.
The most effective
The most effective consequence I have found is writing. 4 may be a little young for this depending on where she is developmentally, but both bios and steps HATE writing.
It's usually a simple sentence "Talking back to adults is disrespectful"
The other one is time out. I tend to use time out when I think the kids have too much energy and truly do just need separated/calmed down and reserve writing for when I know they are intentionally being a-holes.
Yes, this writing stuff
Yes, this writing stuff worked with my son...he said it was the worst punishment ever!
Too bad the almost 5 year old (next week) can't even write her own name even though she stays home with BM while BM spends her days pretending to be a good mom on facebook. :?
I will talk to SO about time outs. Thank you!
Totally. The cleaning up, the
Totally. The cleaning up, the repeating yourself, and then having to look and say "Hmhmm" after each time they chop and ask, "Is this good, Blayze?" Annoying!
I agree, handle it yourself
I agree, handle it yourself when you can…if they see that "insecurity" they will eat you alive! lol Show them your the adult!
All good suggestions! I
All good suggestions! I think if it'd been me, I also would have informed Dad that SD didn't have her "listening ears" on. Dad would then be expected to dole out the consequence (time out maybe, in your case). Like you, I was very clear with DH (and BM, and the kids) that I would NOT parent - but I damn well expected DH to do it! Not listening to an adult = time out. Whether it's you, a teacher, the doctor, or DH himself is irrelevant, he has to give them the consequence if they misbehave. (Mine were older when I came into the picture, so the consequence was grounding or loss of TV or something, but I left it up to DH. Fortunately, he actually parented!) If my 5 year old's teacher tells me he didn't have his "listening ears" on at preschool then he gets no TV that night. That's my job as a parent, I can't leave it all up to someone else even if that someone else was watching him at the time, and it reinforces the idea that I support the teacher. If the teacher said he'd been misbehaving and then I gave him special attention, that would send the message that he's ALLOWED to misbehave for her. Maybe draw that comparison for your DH?
I swear I think some guys allow skids to behave towards stepmoms in a way that they would NEVER allow their kids to behave towards anyone else! Sometimes I think they don't even see that they do that!
True. I can use this with
True. I can use this with the older one. She's already told me how her teacher hands out consequences...and she's never had to "flip her card" and sit with her head down in class. If she tries anything with me, I can gently remind her how she acts in school and how I expect the same good behavior.
DH and I have 3 children
DH and I have 3 children together, if they were bothering me in the kitchen I would call on DH to remove them and find something for them to do. So I don't necessarily see your getting DH as a loss of power, sometimes as stepparents I think we're hypersensitive about our own authority and control over situations just because we don't feel as confident as we do with our bios.
'No' is just a test, and it's always challenging the first time these situations come up with a stepchild, but next time you will be forearmed. My DD now 7 and BS just turned 5 have very occasionally experimented with 'No' as a response to an instruction or request. My usual response would be to say 'No is not an appropriate response when you have been asked to do something. You can do *thing you have been asked to do* or you can sit on the naughty step for x minutes'.
I appreciate you writing
I appreciate you writing this. I do think I'm hypersensitive. It's probably because I believe that as parents a big part of our job description is being smarter than our kids. I don't like the idea of children outwitting me in any way. I only defer to logic and truth. If my kid hits me with logic - as he has since he was old enough to talk - I'm okay with it. I do not indulge manipulation, whining, guilt or anger. But if he (or anyone!) can reason with me, I melt.
P.S. You've also helped me on the "naughty step" thing! I sent my son to his room if he acted out (before he had a TV in there), but if we send the girls to "their room", there's nothing but toys. I really like the idea of having them sit for a few minutes on a cold, hard step that leads to the basement. That's a great consequence for poor behavior!