Home...or not
Does anyone else live with their SO in the same house that SO had with their ex? Obviously without the ex still living there! I don't think I've phrased that very well but I'm hoping you get what I mean.
And if so does anyone else have issues with it?
I've been living with my SO in the house he bought with his ex (she moved out at least 3 years ago) and I am settling in, been here about 5 months now, but I do sometimes feel like it's not my home, because everywhere I look there's something that reminds me of her. Like something he's told me she bought him, or she chose, or she wanted in the divorce and whatever. So part of it will always be *her*. Plus there's skid stuff everywhere. I feel like the only part of it that's mine is the meter square that has my armchair in it (which i am currently writing this in).
I'd rather he'd sold this place and we'd bought somewhere new together. But he didn't want to because this is where they were living when their kids were born so he wants to keep it for them.
Basically I feel like this is still more the home of his old family (ie: his ex wife and their kids) than it is his and mine.
Doesn't help that i now live in new town, so there's no one here i know other than SO. I think it might just be getting to me because I'm a bit lonely here.
Sorry, this turned out much longer than i meant it to be!
^^^She beat me to
^^^She beat me to it!!!!!!!!!! I would say the exact same thing. There's no way in Hell I could live in the same home that DH shared with BM and SD. Absolutely no ffffing way.
And Hypovic is absolutely correct when she stated "He sure is setting them up to live as entitled jerks". If these kids think daddy is willing to go so far as keep them in the same home JUST because they were born there...they're going to know he's willing to do just about anything and everything JUST FOR THEM.
And I've also moved around a lot, as a kid and an adult. Lived in 11 states so far and have been back in Denver for 2 yrs now. I'm already getting itchy to go!
Yeah, I hear ya. I love
Yeah, I hear ya. I love Colorado, truly I do, but I miss the ocean something fierce and I'm dying to get back to the east coast!
My parents owned the home we
My parents owned the home we were all born in for 30+ years. I can somewhat sympathize.
Me? I've moved my kids several times for various reasons. I'd like to think that it hasn't ruined them.
I know it would be "weird" to live in BM's home... DH and I actually had some discussions about this... we considered having me buy out her half of their home and living there, or him buying out my XH on the home we had. I preferred that idea for two reasons: 1) it was bigger, and 2) I had WAY more stuff to move than DH.
I didn't mind so much the idea of living in the home DH shared with Bm, but he really didn't like the idea of living in my home. Because there's was really too small to work for us, we both sold and got a place together.
I think that you can work to make the home "yours" by personalizing it. Remember that she's been gone for years, so her "bad juju" is gone.
Also, moving to a new area where you really don't know anyone is tough. Try to find ways to get out in your community. Help at the library, the animal shelter, join a book club, etc. Settling in will help you feel like you "belong."
Good luck!!
I thought I was the one being
I thought I was the one being unreasonable for not wanting to live here so I'm glad to find out that's not what people think
TBH i'm not the type to move all the time, I've moved 5 times in 6 years and i'm ready to stop and settle now, i just don't know if i want it to be here. I'm working on personalising it, we're doing up the spare room, stuff like that so that helps.
when i was married i lived in
when i was married i lived in the house my husband grew up in.... we were "renting" it from his father. it was decorated by his deceased mom and i wasnt allowed to change anything.
IT SUCKED. i lived there for 3 years... i hated it.
the excuse your SO gives you about it being "for the kids" is just rude. i would explain how uncomfortable you are and that you want "your place" (your: as in you and SO) for Your memories not Theirs.
I could never live in a house
I could never live in a house that DF shared with BM. Even if we had a ceew come in and gut the place, I still wouldn't be able to do it.
I do not want to live in a home filled with their family memories.
Funny, I was just thinking
Funny, I was just thinking about this and going to ask a similar question. I have lived in this house for over two years. HATE it! It was only dh and bms for a year together, but they picked it. Then he lived with xgf there. My son has dh and xw's bedroom and we share the one he had with xgf. It's not home. I hated it before moving in. Never would have picked it even if it was free. Hate everything but the fact it is my dd's first home. Nothing about it is me. Dh didn't and still doesn't understand why I hate it. If he wasn't upside down in it, we'd sell.
Hi yes I have done it - it
Hi yes I have done it - it was like you say at first - didnt feel like my home - I found it hard to relax. But DH works from here' - he has a workshop on the land - its in a fabulous location - its in the country with amazing views - no neighbours - DH 's ex hated it here, as it is isolated and quiet - whereas I love that! It has an open fire that was never lit when EX here - I light it all winter - after nearly 9 years I have it completely decorated myself now - the walls now hang our family photos. I don't see this as their old house now - I've made it a home for us. All the things she hated about it - I love - and I share that with DH as he loves it too - so it can be done - but really it's the business being here that is the sticking point - why I won't push to go and secondly because it is a lovely home in a great location. When we retire or pay off the mortgage though I may want to leave!!
I also have lived in the ex
I also have lived in the ex marital home, big, big mistake. I think I was to naive and young to fully understand the implications at first. One particular SD always made me feel uncomfortable when she would deliberately mention"when mum lived here"" blah, blah comments to upset me , and she was only 10 years old, a sign of her manipulative passive aggresive behaviour which only intensifies with cunning deceit when older. I never felt at home and would cringe at remarks about the home and things were built for whatever reason to the point of mentioning that his ex -FIL built cupboards to the needs of his ex. I bailed DH out finacially and brought out the ex's share, so DH didn't lose out totally finacially but ultimately I did. To build a solid foundation in a relationship you should never be involved in anything they built or shared together. If it was reversed and DH moved into your ex marital home he also would have issues with it. Second partner's are worthy individuals who should demand happiness and if that means selling houses for a fresh start so be it. If DH refuses he is selling out on the relationship, if DH chooses his skids over you it will be time to move out and away as you will always be treated of less importance than the intitled skids.
This is how it is for me as
This is how it is for me as well. SS7 comes EOW and makes ME feel like a part time resident. It is HIS and HIS DAD's house. That's why everything in it is his and one of the problems I have.
I'm so glad dh never bought a
I'm so glad dh never bought a house with bm, I can imagine how hard it would be. We finally got rid of the bed they shared recently and it feels very very good! Actually I can't believe I put up with it for so long.