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So Happy I found This site! Major Stepkid Issues

SMCarly's picture

Hi everyone, my name is Carly and I can't even tell you how happy I am to have found this site! Please excuse any typos becuase I am typing this on my new tablet and the format is very different. I am married to my wonderful DH and we have our DD3 and DS1. DH was previously married before and has 5 older children,SS23, SD21, SD20, SD13 and SD7. their mother passed away when the youngest was almost a year old and I met DH a couple years after. SS23 and SD20 both live in a rental property DH owns. The two of them just barley pay rent. SD20 works as a go-go dancer and is an all around party girl. She is always posting crazy part pics on FB and even told DH and I she either wants to be a pornstar or a Playboy model. My poor DH looked so upset! SS23 just finally graduated from college and has been doing nothing so far, he just wants to "chill" and the two of them(SS23 and SD20) are always asking DH for money. SD23 thinks that since he is the oldest and a boy DH should just fall at his feet. He even tried saying once he is DH's only son and DS1 "doesn't really count"! DH shut that down real quick. SD21 and I do get along at times, but she can also be really nasty too. SD21 is married and she and her husband live within mins from us. When I announced my pregnancy with DS1 she freaked out and screamed at DH. For a while she was really rebelling but has seemed to calm down now and has even expressed sorrow for her actions. SD13 is mostly concerned about her friends and sports, she and SD9 are the only ones who actually listen to me and respect me. We have our issues at times with thoes two, but they are no where near as bad as the older 3. I tried very hard with my stepkids at the beginning, I was very understanding to the fact that they had lost their mother and did whatever I could to please them. The only thing I got in return was total disrespect and horrible comments, SD20 has called me a bitch more than once to my face and SS23 threw a party in our house while we were away and let his friends into our bedroom! I am very lucky in the fact that DH backs me 100% when it comes to the kids behavior. My DH has a very sucessful, but demanding career,  I do alot of the parenting for the younger two. DH has made it a rule that the two older kids are not to be at the house or come over unless he is home. When I was pregnant with DS1,SD20 and her friends came over looking for DH so they could get money to go out, I said he wasn't home and DH tells them all the time anyway to get a job and quit asking for money. She started screaming in my face and causing a huge scene,I was 37 weeks pregnant at the time mind you! It's very frustrating having no one to vent to, everyone thinks I am this evil stepmother and the older 3 are always spreading horrible lies about me to anyone that will listen. DH's family thinks I should be "nicer" to the step kids because they lost their mother, but I refuse to be a doormat anymore. The stepkids, with the expection of SD9 and SD21, barley pay attention to DD3 and DS1. SD20 had a sobbing fit the day each of them were born and they all accuse DH of loving our two babies more. DH makes very good money ,and has always wanted a big family, last night at a family dinner at MILS DH mentioned he wanted another baby and SD20 left the table in tears. Sorry my post is all over the place, I just wanted to introduce myself and I will def be posting on this site all the time!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Oh boy. What a bunch of spoiled brats the older ones are! Stop trying to please them if you are doing so and thank your lucky stars that your DH supports you. Many of us SM to adult SKids do not have that luxury and live on a constant roller coaster ride. Avoid the older SKids as much as you can and don't react to their drama - ignore it. Mentally flick them out of your mind whenever you find yourself dwelling on them. Good luck to you!

emotionaly beat up's picture

Well this is an easy fix Smile DH stops dishing out money like lollies and insists they get a job and they pay rent for the property they are living in. They need to learn that they have to pay their way in the world. You, stop being nice to them. Treat them as you would any other adult who came into your home and disrespected you - would you for example let the next door neighbour come over whenever they liked if they had disrespected you in your own home even once. Of course not.

You my friend have made the fatal mistake so many of us made - we were sympathetic, empathetic, compassionate and NICE. Unfortunately when kids have been spoilt, and this lot clearly were even before you came along, being nice is seen as being weak.

DH's family need to butt out (of course they won't), but next time they tell you to be nicer to them because they have lost their mother you might point out that their loss does not give them a free pass to insult and disrespect you and they cannot use their mother's death as an excuse to do nothing for the rest of their lives and to be rude to you.

I feel so sorry for you I really do. But I made the mistake of being nice to people who were rude to me and finally after 8 years I banned SD from my home, she will never be allowed back in. It should have never come to that but my DH sat back while she said and did the most horrid things and never pulled her into line. You are streets ahead of those of us who have husbands who failed to support us. I am very glad for you on that score, you are very lucky and stand a great chance of working this out without having to throw anyone out of the house.

Really the free lunch attitude your DH has shown them up to date is the main thing that needs to stop. He needs to help his kids stand on their own two feet in the world and as I said handing out money for nothing is not the answer. I wish you all the best and welcome to the site, if nothing else it gives you a chance to vent, and that alone will make you feel better Smile

RedWingsFan's picture

Disengage - and concentrate on your marriage.

Good luck and sorry I don't have any fine words of wisdom. I just got married to my DH a couple months ago and SD14 is a major b*tch!