is it a good idea
i need some advice on if its a good idea for me to become friends with bm. as of now i cant stand her for even a second. i know she dont like me either but we are nice to one another.
here is alittle about the situation. my dh was sleeping with bm for the first year we where together and i just found out almost ayear ago. ever since he has told me about it i have been taking it out on ss6&9 who we have everyother weekend. its just when i see ss all i see is her and how dh was unfaithful to me... i have forgave dh but for some reason i cant forgive her its not like i was ever her friend before. im not sure if maybe becoming her friend that maybe i can get over this... i trust dh now and know he would not do this again. i just want to go back to being nice and loving towards ss and i just cant do it. i have tryed and tryed but every little bad thing they do irritates me and than im mad for the rest of the day. but when ss are not here me and dh are just fine. dont take me wrong i think about how he was umfaithful all the time but i love my dh...
please give me some advise im stuck and i dont know what to do... cause the way i treat ss when they are around could eventually end my marrige.
This isn't good sorry to be
This isn't good sorry to be so negative but your relationship was pretty much doomed from the start I would move on
yes i know that it was a very
yes i know that it was a very very bad start but since we have gotten together we have had two beautiful babies dd18 months and ds2 months and we have also gotten married 1 year ago. i didnt find out he was unfaithful till after we where married and had our dd and where 2 months pregnant with ds. and things between me and dh are good now except when ss are at our house. thats when we fight and argue.
and now bm lives next door to use so i see her and ss all the time. i just want to know how to move on WITH dh but to leave the unfaithfulness BEHIND and be a better sm to the ss like i used to be...
Biokids do change the
Biokids do change the dynamics...I'm not sure you can place any blame on BM she didnt cheat on you DH did if you forgave him that would have been the hard part but being friends with BM isnt going to make anything better you just need to get along. Her moving next door was probably not a good idea. i would just tell you to avoid being around SS rather than taking things out on him, it's not a solution but it could buy you time to figure things out and get some couples counseling
thank you i will talk to dh
thank you i will talk to dh tonight and see what he thinks of couples counciling.
I have to say that a lot of
I have to say that a lot of people feel like they dont need it so if he doesnt agree it would still help even if you went alone to counseling. My ex claimed I was crazy so the judge ordered counseling for both of us I was mad about it but went and it helped me a lot I figured out a lot about myself and my relationships but I did have to try out a few my first counselor and I didnt quite click but I love her partner I haven't seen her for over a year but I know that if I needed I could call her and she'd help me figure it out.
Holy cow, I would end this
Holy cow, I would end this mess. He now has her next door to you? How can you be sure he won't do it again?
i cant be 100% sure but it
i cant be 100% sure but it make it easier for me if i tell myself that it wont happen again.
Everything about this is
Everything about this is ugly. He was sleeping with both of you for a YEAR before you found out??? That goes beyond being able to call it a mistake. It was lies & deceit & it was a game.
BM is not the one who was in a committed relationship with you & blatantly disrespected EVERYthing in your relationship & made you look foolish...for a YEAR.
You should not be taking your anger & hurt feelings out on your SS's & frankly to say you can't forgive BM for her part in it...I don't understand it. How are you able to forgive the man who COMPLETELY disrespected you, was so careless & loveless with your relationship, & kept secrets with BM behind your back, but you can't forgive a woman who had no agreement or commitment with you?
Ugh. How did she come to be your neighbor???
As for the friends part, no. Don't be friends with BM. She & your DH carried on a relationship behind your back for a year & kept it a secret until after you were legally bound to him. That was sneaky & he was an asshole to do it. Becoming friends with BM gets her closer to you, leaving you more vulnerable to her. Obviously, you're already vulnerable with your DH. To put yourself there with her will only strengthen their ability to pull it off again.
Don't let your anger toward your SS's be what ends your marriage. Let your dignity, self-respect & commitment to treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated be what puts an end to this circus.
my dh sister is lives next
my dh sister is lives next door to us and bm moved in with her. im just so stuck and like you said he didnt tell me anything till we where legally bounded with babies. i just need to some how just forget about this so i can be who i was before i found all this out. i used to be so happy and cheerful and now im depressed alot and mad. maybe its me that is mad at myself not my dh or the bm or the ss. no matter who it is making me this way i need to get over it. i dont want my marriage to end cause of this. i love my dh and he is wonderful father to our kids.
Only you can decide whether
Only you can decide whether or not you've had enough of being mistreated. If you choose to stay, you choose a life of hurt & anger.
Ending your marriage doesn't mean ending the relationship between your kids & their father, but it would mean you being able to make a life for yourself where your feelings can matter. It would mean you being able to be with someone who wouldn't take you for granted & who wouldn't be so disrespecful in carrying on a year-long affair with his ex-wife, & it would mean you having an opportunity to marry a man who would not put you in the position of having to live your life next door to the woman he cheated on you with.
Like I said, only you can decide whether you leave or you stay, but recognize the fact that whichever you choose, you are also choosing everything that comes with it.
also i really dont think that
also i really dont think that dh knowes why i am so mad all the time i have never actually told him how much this all STILL hurts me and upsets and depresses me, cause everytime i have tryed to talk about it in the past he gets upset and says " cant you just forget " or something around them words. he also does not know that when i see his kids all i see is her and he dont know that her living next door is bugging me as much as it is. cause like i said he gets mad everytime i bring her or the situation up. idk what to do i mean we could do councling but i dont think he will go with cause he will say he can take time off of work cause we cant afford it which we really cant. also he will say i just have to get over it on my own like he does about everything.
i know i will get negitive feed back about this but just remember i do still love him and we have 2 children together.
It sounds to me like he's
It sounds to me like he's trying to minimize what he did, & he's leaving it to you to fix. You have a daughter. What if it was her in your shoes with a husband who, instead of addressing what he did & trying to work through something like this with her simply blew it off his shoulders & told her to get over it?
Is that something you could support & agree with? Knowing that she was put in the position of having to live next door to the woman he cheated on your daughter with, would you agree with her staying in that situation?
YOU DESERVE BETTER! You have to respect yourself before someone else will respect you. You have to love yourself enough to expect respect from others, & if they aren't willing to give it, you have to love yourself enough to separate yourself from them.
Your children deserve to see you live happy. You are their example. You deserve to feel happy, but it's your responsibility, when no one else is willing, to make it happen for yourself.
there are programs that go by
there are programs that go by income you just have to do a little research to find them good luck with everything
Wow I am no therapist but
Wow I am no therapist but your situation is messed up.
I think becoming friends with BM will only make things worse. You need to concentrate on resolving the problems you have, no making more for yourself. ATM you are displacing your anger to the wrong person. Your skid is innocent of his messed up parents, its wrong to blame him because he is also a victim of all this.
Direct the blame to the correct person - your DH. The reason you are unable to begin to grieve for the loss of your dreams, having your trust shattered and heal is because you are not being permitted the opportunity to work through it all. This takes time, energy, love and support from the person who inflicted this onto you (if indeed you are able to fix some of it)but instead of investing this in you, your DH is dismissing what he has done. Down playing it because he doesnt want to think about it, doesnt want to feel guilty or disgusted or perhaps he doesnt care. I dont know.
Any professional will tell you your marriage is unfixable unless your DH pulls his complacent finger out of his arse, quit thinking of himself because thats what got him in this mess in the first place, put your and your kids first and seek therapy with you. Stop undermining your feelings about this and talk to you on top.
Honestly, I would be issuing ultimatums right now. Nor would I trust the creep with BM living next door, being dangled like a tempting morsel. How the hell can you even get over this with her in your face as a reminder every damn day?! I would be cracking up in your shoes and if DH couldnt show me he cared about the number he did on my head with his sick affair then I would be out of there - regardless if hes daddy of the year. What happened to him being your husband first and foremost? He isnt being that.
so i talked to dh about
so i talked to dh about couples councling well i texted him cause i know thats the only way he will listen to me and he said that if i cant get over this than we have no life together so i messaged him back and said " how can i get over something like this with out talking about it? " i also used a comment some one left on here that said "you COMPLETELY disrespected me, and you where so careless & loveless with our relationship, & kept secrets from me." im still waiting on him to reply back... i just know that even after saying this to him he wont go to counciling with me...so i will still be stuck hurting and i will still be taking my angure out on the ss.
My husband thought it would
My husband thought it would be a good idea to text another woman about meeting for sex after we had our son together and when I found out I simply told him if he wasnt going to work on it, then I wasnt about to hesitate packing up our newborn and getting the hell out.....if your husband isnt willing to work on a relationship HE ruined, then I'd say its best to cut your ties while you can and move on. Youre children would be far happier being raised in a home with parents who love them albeit separately then dealing with the broken relationship unfolding in front of them.
He had no right to disrespect you like that and then expect you to make it right....IF he's not doing anything now he should be trying hard as hell to make it right....I'd really question whats actually going on, especially since she's living right next door. I would never be friends with her, thats not going to fix the past and honestly Id move. By her being so close, shes controlling the situation as much as she likes, as much as you allow her too.
My husband and I have been in counseling for about a year now and it did feel good to get off my chest that it hurt that he THOUGHT of betraying me, not that he did but that he thought about it. Even if he doesnt go with you, go alone. It will make a world of difference and you'll gain clarity and perspective.
Good luck!
'so i will still be stuck
'so i will still be stuck hurting and i will still be taking my angure out on the ss."
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What is it that makes you feel stuck with this? That is not your only option. I understand that you love him & that he's the father of your children, but why is YOUR HAPPINESS not an option???
Regardless of what happens, he will forever be the father of your children. Nothing can change that.
Do you love the man who doesn't care about what HE chose to do to make you feel so unimportant & unappreciated...the man who has his wife & family living next door to the woman he chose to bed down with repeatedly for a year behind your back...the man who is refusing to own the blame that's his to own & putting it on you because you struggle to "just get over it"...the man who adamantly refuses to do his part to repair the damage HE's done to your marriage...
...or do you love the man you wanted & expected him to be...the man he vowed to be, who would love you & cherish you & do everything in his power to protect you from hurt & harm?
Whatever road you choose for yourself, you can't keep throwing your anger at your ss. It's no more his to own than it is yours to own. You're making your ss a target he doesn't deserve to be just like your DH is doing to you & it isn't okay.
Stay or go, but either way, you need to find a way to direct your anger where it belongs.
If he won't even talk about
If he won't even talk about it then I don't see how this relationship could work. Being with him is only going to make you feel bad. It is an awful situation. It has nothing to do with your ss though, so don't take it out on them.
so dh called me on his lunch
so dh called me on his lunch break and just like i thought he said we cant afford counciling and also said that i need to just get over it cause it happened in the past.
me and dh seperated before we got pregnant with our daughter who is 17 months old now. cause i went through his cell phone and seen texts to his ex saying he loves her and that she is beautiful and that he misses her. so i packed up and left. well in the month that we seperated i was fooling around with someone else who dh knew and claims he was good friends with but at the time i only thought he knew of him. anyways me and dh got back together (i know dumb idea) but i forgave him and believed that he wouldnt do it again, also at that time i didnt know he slept with her.
well told when dh called me to talk about the counciling thing he brought up the time we spilt up and i was fooling around with the other guy he trys to tell me that its the same as him fooling around with his ex. But i dont think it is cause i only did it when we where apart and he did it for a year when we where together.
anyways i told dh that i am going to go stay with my grandma for a week or so and im going to call and make an appointment in the morning with a councilor. i know its a good thing that im doing this but it feels so wrong cause as far as i know dh has been honest and faithful since that one HUGE fuck up. i just dont know what to do.
Sleeping with someone when
Sleeping with someone when you're NOT in a relationship is not comparable to sleeping with someone over the period of a year while you ARE in relationship. It's all part of the spin-the-blame game.
In the least, you deserve some conversation & discussion for healing. He owes you that. Take your time away & do what you need to do to be able to deal with this.
If he refuses counseling with you, go for it on your own. You can't fix him, but you can fix you. I'm glad you're taking this step. Maybe you being away will prompt some self-reflection on his part.
Good for you!
Good for you!
He doesn't give a damn about
He doesn't give a damn about your feelings. I will bet anything he's still doing BM. The texts you found revealed his true feelings. He loves BM.
He knows that you will cry, complain...but at the end of the day you will stay.
As long as he knows you feel stuck and won't leave,he's free to do as he pleases.
Please try to love yourself more than you love him. That love should give you the strength to leave his sorry ass.