Older stepchildren during the Holidays
I see that some have problems with older stepkids during the holidays like I do...and I thought I was the only one:-) It's bad when your stomach clinches when you see their vehicles in the drive way, isn't it? I have 2 and each one of them have several kids apiece and they let them pretty much go wild here. Their Dad, who is pretty layed back, tells me not to worry that we can rebuy anything they break...there are some things that can not be replaced plus we don't have the money to do that with. Does this sound familiar?
The most upsetting part is the ones that lives about 2 hours away will call right before they get here, never do they ask if we had plans for the weekend or anything, and tells us they are spending X amount of days with us. We live in the country and their Dad tries to think what type of food we have layed in for the extra 12 people who comes and does not bring anything with them for a meal. I've gotten where I tell my hubby to have him stop by the store and pick up what we need for the amount of days they are here but lately his son won't call until he's almost in the driveway...smart, hum? My husband will get up the next morning early and make a run for the grocery store, which ends up being major expense which we really can not afford.
I know that their Dad likes seeing them and I do too, but only if they tell us in advance and if they could bring things(milk for one thing) with them to make it not so hard. And to control or at least check on what their kids are doing. I do crafts, baking, and other things with them to keep them entertained but it's getting harder, especially since they have so many.
Also, the only time they will pick up their cell/home phone is if they need something. Otherwise they won't answer them. I asked my husband who should I call if something happens to him since the kids will not answer our calls, he couldn't think of anyone. But later said that the husband of his daughter would probably answer. WEll he tested that and nope he does not answer nor will he get back with you either.
Back to the original thing, what to do for Thanksgiving. My husband and I are having major health problems and his son told him that he had 4 days off for Thanksgiving....any nice-good suggestions? Thanks
I would say, address it
I would say, address it early. If they won't answer their phone, leave them about 5 messages saying, we cannot host Thanksgiving this year, we are taking the year off due to our health issues. If you want to have a limited visit with them, tell them exactly what you can do and what you need them to do, bring, etc.
There is still plenty of time to tell them this for this year, even a few days or one day before if you have to, so don't let that stop you!
If they show up uninvited, don't go to the store. They will leave soon enough if there is not enough food for everyone! My BIL does this to my in-laws all the time and they finally starting not rushing out and covering all the food, so it does cut down on the drop-in visits. That is really rude and they need to be shown that, for their own good! so don't feel bad about it.
This sounds terrible but my dad told me once, you don't want to make your guests TOO comfortable or they will never leave! as I was guilty of doing all the things you do, then starving for a month after!
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)They know about the health
They know about the health problems. When their Dad was in the hospital having Major surgery the nurses had just brought him back from recovery and they came in with their kids and said they were looking for a babysetter there in his room. Later their Dad told me that I could go next door to a motel or stay there at the hospital with him but I did not have to stay at their house...which I did not have any intention on doing.
Don't get me wrong, I love kids but there are way too many to take care of and they do not get along together. I told their Dad that I would watch one but I refused to watch all of them. Right afterwards, which I also told his Daughter that her's was too much to watch that I would only do one also, she calls her Dad and says she needed him to watch them every week and shortly afterwards her husband called for us to watch all of them for 3 days because they needed to "get away". My husband totally ignors me when it comes to telling him about what I will do and what I will not do anymore. So I took off during the day and let him watch all of them...not once but several times. He was frazeled to say the least and somewhat mad at me but I felt somewhat guilty but more than anything I felt relieved from hearing the fighting.
His kids not only have us as grandparents there are 3 others on his daughter's husband side and 2 others on his son's wife side. So there is absolutely no reason that we have to take care of all the grandkids. I truly believe they do it to get to me...but I'm resolved that I will not stay around when this happens anymore.
Right now I can't go anywhere because I'm doing Chemo. No way would they have Thanksgiving at their house, at least his daughter wouldn't and I can not travel the 2 hours to his sons house.
My husband is a good cook and he does alot of cooking right now but the issue is their bringing things. I'll ask them, if they answer their phones, to bring things and see what happens. I've tried in the past and his daughter tells her Dad that she just does not have time...she passes 3 stores coming here and does not work.
I wonder what she fixes all
I wonder what she fixes all her kids to eat if she does not have time to make something nor buy something simple for the holiday dinners. If her husband comes, normally you can have him bring something..but that's not been the norm lately.
I really do like the grandkids but like I said it is way too much trying to handle them. When I was younger, my parents would only let us go to my grandparents house one at time for visits(overnight) and I had a ball because I got to know them more one on one. I've asked my other siblings about this and they agreed that we all(and there was 5 of us)had a better time with just our grandparents. My husband said they all should come so they will have someone to play with...well they don't play, they fight and bicker...which is a stress on all of us. My biggest problem, which seems to be everyones on this list, is the husband. I feel he creates problems by giving in to his kids when they want him to take care of all the kids instead of spreading them out with the other grandparents. I've talked(we've been married 17 yrs) till I'm blue in the face, so now I just go do my thing and he gets to break up the battles not me.
I'm young and I have a lot
I'm young and I have a lot of health problems, some of which come from the stress of having grown stepchildren, just ask my therapist. I have major depressive mood disorder and take medication for it. The holidays are the worst time of year for me. Monday, November 16th is the anniversary of my first husband's death 3 years ago. Then December 4th is the 5 year anniversary of my Dad's passing. Knowing what I know now, I wish I'd waited longer to remarry but I married a good friend and thought with his children being GROWN, I'd be respected---WRONG! I was treated nicer before the vows, trust me.
I don't want the stepchildren around at the holidays. I don't like having small children run around here and stress my hubby and me out. We both have "high strung" personalities and life is hard enough on me having my own son who has ADHD, sensory integration disorder and Aspberger's Syndrome (mild autism). I have ADHD myself and the key for me is structure. I don't do well at all with sudden changes of plans and the like--drives me ape just like with my son. I have that planner personality and if you throw a kink in it, don't bother coming over if you're going to be late or not help with dinner (bring dessert, rolls, etc.) This year DH and I agreed if his children opt to go eat on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day with either their bio moms or in-laws (for those who are married), we won't be having another meal on a weekend before or after either holiday to accommodate them. All live within an hour of us but one and God bless her, she doesn't come to us for money as she married smart.
I'm not some mean prude but I enjoy a quiet holiday season. If I can't travel the 12-13 hour drive or pay for plane tickets to see my own family, I certainly don't want people coming over and making me feel uncomfortable in my own home. Last year one of my expensive collectible Hallmark ornaments got broken and I'm sorry but super glue doesn't cut it for those who think that doesn't affect the value and those ornaments don't come cheap. YSD and her husband don't keep a close eye on their child and now that he's walking he's a holy terror. They want to watch our high def tv and play on our computers and have "freedom" when they visit while I slave in the kitchen making meals during the normal part of the year so this year the holidays will be different. I am not going to invite them over and they've been told not to invite themselves over. If DH and I are inclined for them to come over, we'll ask, tell them when it's convenient for us and they can show up not expecting a meal. It's that simple.
Like you, I've had the stepchildren come over and then have to do a grocery store run to get things. It costs more money and there's never an offer to pay us back. Some of them are on WIC and food stamps and think because we are not on government aid, we are a money tree. Sadly in my case, my husband has the AVOIDER personality so I get to do the bulk of the confronting. When I've had enough, I simply block DH's children from being able to call my cell phone and force him to deal with it. I didn't give him drama when I married him. There's no ex-husband and custody weekends to deal with. You can't argue with a dead man and my deceased husband would probably have a fit if he could see how my life has turned out since marrying our mutual friend.
I have always been the peacemaker but there comes a time when you have to stand up for yourself so others don't use you as a doormat. I would make up some rules if you do feel up to company and lay them out beforehand. If the grown children do come over and there's not enough food, oh well! There is a reason people RSVP and it's a courtesy to the hostess. My DH's mother has lung cancer and is undergoing chemotherapy at age 72. There is no way in hell I would travel to see her and expect her to put on a big meal for us. I'd eat out for both holidays as a family of three but my husband and I don't like large crowds so a simple meal at home will do. If your husband also isn't well, why put yourselves through the hassle? Visit for a couple hours, maybe do some appetizers or like another posted, visit the children and bring a dish where you have the option to leave when you feel like it and you're not trapped in your home waiting anxiously for guests to leave if they've worn out their welcome.
Me (41). DH (turns 54 late November). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.
Well, I've came up with a
Well, I've came up with a plan that I'm sticking to...even though I will probably look like the "evil stepmom"...which I've bent over backwards to try not to be, but all it's gotten me is "USED". The phrase must have come from stepkids that could not "use" their stepmoms...I don't know a stepmom that has not had about the same heart ache as me. So, it's time for stricker measures....maybe their DAD(who I think has created the problem) just might join me.
I have several places that I can go to stay for the Thanksgiving weekend. If my spouse does not conform to what is right and stop letting the kids use me, then away I go for an enjoyable, relaxed, and fun get away:-)Maybe I should go with this plan anyway, doesn't it sound great?
See if you think my rules are strick:
1. they pitch in to help fix the meal
2. they fix their own kids plates of food-spouses daughter will get her food and set down while her kids(most are small) sets there looking at her plate and whine-! Spouse tells me-which I've mentioned this several times-that it would be easier if we just fixed their plates instead of making a fuss about his daughter not doing this.
3. They all bring some food to contribute to the meal(there are 12 of them and that is a major expense)-nothing major: rolls, pies, drinks
4. the ones staying the 4 days, also pitches in, watches their kids, tells us if they are staying for a meal-when they will arrive(about-I know things will make us all late), and bring some food with them for the days they are here-nothing major, but hey their kids goes through 2 or more gallons of milk a day, plus some time of snack the kids likes.
5. Everyone pitches in to clean up-the only one that tends to lay back is the daughter,she will be the last to get up from the table because she will talk while setting there so she won't have to clean even her own dishes nor her kids.
Does these seem like reasonable rules...any I should add:-)
This evening my hubby asked
This evening my hubby asked me what we could fix for Thanksgiving and he started telling me all this stuff and I told him I thought it would be great if the kids would pitch in with food as well. He did not like that but asked me what they could bring which I told him simple stuff like pies/rolls/and drinks. He called them and told them but he hasn't told me what they said...so we shall see.
Yes, I agree that orders would not work...which I'm not the type to give orders but this year I have to keep me well or I won't make it through Chemo/radiation. My siblings are hotter than fire over this issue and thinks I need to move on because(they have seen them in action first hand)of me being so sick. that's a hard one to do but I've considered it a lot. I just hate to let bratty stepkids win, you know what I mean?
Well I didn't get my
Well I didn't get my Thanksgiving plans the way I wanted but DH and I made some compromising. We are not having a large meal on Thursday (for just the 3 of us that live here) but doing a decent one for one of his children and her family on Saturday. YSD volunteered to bring a ham but she doesn't know how to thaw and cook one and yes, I'm dead serious when I say that. My biggest beef has been having to pay for everything and the children want to take home all the leftovers. So YSD is bringing a vegetable, rolls and dessert in exchange for my trouble of doing the meat. I just can't see them all coming over at 4 p.m. and me gasping the meat wasn't thawed enough to cook or it were a big ham, the hours to cook it not being enough. I got some tips from friends on where to get a decent inexpensive ham with a honey glaze so everyone but hubby (who doesn't care for ham, mind you) is happy. DH gets to see his daughter and deal with ham. I cook a decent meal and make the best of the 1 year old running wild in my house. YSD looks up to me and can be clingy which is why I try not to have her over too often. Given an inch, she'll take a mile and expect it to be financed on my dime. The therapist says once a month is sufficient so I think we're good til Christmas but secretly I hope all kids have plans Christmas weekend and the weekend before Christmas as I believe Christmas Day falls on a Friday this year.
I truly hope things work out for you lynn101. I agree you shouldn't order the children around but setting boundaries isn't a bad thing. When we have the big family dinner out of state with all my aunts, uncles, cousins, the great grandchildren, etc. it's always potluck and the women help clean the kitchen up afterwards. You have more time to visit when there's teamwork involved and one person isn't frantic trying to do it all from cooking to cleanup.
Me (41). DH (turns 54 late November). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us. 4 biological and 2 my DH helped raise with his 2nd wife.
That's just rude. Talk with
That's just rude. Talk with them and let them know that you and DH can no longer host the impromptu get-togethers. Let them know that in the future, if they should decide that they would like to visit, you will need AT LEAST one week notice. Also, let them know that the financial burden of feeding the dozen or so of them is too much. Tell them to stop for their groceries before they stop at your house, otherwise, their children will be very hungry. And anything that is broken by them during their stay: send them an invoice with a due date of 1 week to pay the bill. It's a matter of respect, and they don't seem to have much of it.