I'd like to ask you ladies a sensible question. . . .

Forums:

I am trying to start a long re-training path at the moment (for mine and DH's future) and unfortunately I have no spare cash to invest in this due to car repair bills, car loan etc. (not a flashy car trust me LOL!). BUT I want to get STARTED!!!

I asked DH if he would help by investing some of his large stash of cash sitting idly in the bank earning no interest (that I spent a huge chunk of my time and energy helping him to release from the marital assets - it is not a huge amount though) in order to help me start the first step towards my re-training. I never ask anyone for anything! AND I always pay my way.

Boy do I wish I hadn't asked. While it seems that it is perfectly OK for him to pay £ thousands to the ex and for anything the skids want, I am not on that list it would seem. They just take all the time and receive anything they want. I ask for nothing and receive bugger all!

We have been together 8 years and yet are so separate financially. The only joint a/c we have is for household bills and nothing else. Everything is split 50 /50 and I ask him for nothing! He earns twice what I do but about the same when you take the ex's wedge out. I know he has to send a large chunk of money to her each month but even so - this is for OUR future! I don't want to use his money on a daily basis - not at all, I just wanted some help to re-train and it was only £400. Nothing really. . .

Am I unreasonable to expect his help here? It would just be nice if he would invest some of his cash in me when I have asked for nothing in 8 years of our relationship. When he was married he paid for everything (and I mean everything).

Feeling very much second to the 1st wife again. Seems he is fine as long as I pay 'my share' of absolutely everything!

As long as I keep putting up and shutting up and asking for nothing everyone seems happy. I am so not the sort of person to ask a man to help and it was hard for me to do so. Thing is if I ask for a loan I don't know when I can pay it back.

He said he needs that money for HIS future as he has no pension - what about me? I don't have one either and I thought we were a partnership!?!

Any views or advice? Just seems like hurdle after hurdle lately

arghhhh!

This happened to me (no ex with kids) during my 1st marriage. My now ex inherited a TON of money which he was happy to spend on "us" for anything he deemed "we" needed. But when I asked if this money meant I could go back to college and finish my degree he was indignant. Suddenly it was his.

I ended up divorcing him in the end. I never meant to take the money, but saw my finishing a degree that his presence in my life discouraged me from finishing the first time as an investment in our financial future. When he made it obvious that he didn't feel it necessary to invest in my potential or to value my dream I knew it was over.

This may color my response to you, so I'll refrain from what I would say to him!

But...400 pounds? What is that in dollars so I can understand just how small an amount he is refusing to help out with.

GEESH that would make me MAD.

"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I

His future?

JamaicanMeCrazy
DISNEY LIED...THERE IS NO 'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'

Doesn't "his" future include YOU? If the money is available and it's something that will enhance your financial situation in the long run, why wouldn't he want to allow you access to it? After 8 years together, it's unlikely you're going to take the money and run. An option would be to "loan" it to you but that's ridicules since you're married - he should be thinking about both of your futures. If he's really that upset about the loaning you the money then maybe you could get a small loan on your own - and if it came to that, I'd definitely be rethinking my future with someone so selfish.

Thanks

Wow you guys were quick!

£400 is maybe $500 ish? at a guess that is.

I have a loan already for the car (had to buy it when my last one blew up) and am paying him back each month for money he lent me for my car repairs last year.

I am feeling pretty bummed about this relationship right now. Especially with the problems with his family too (posted elsewhere). I guess I feel I have stuck it out this far that I may as well carry on!! Beginning to wonder what this relationship is though. Maybe I don't ask for enough?

The strange thing is that he is usually very generous. I wonder if it is a trust issue as the ex burned him so badly.

I am not one to usually say this but I do feel it is unfair. Also, I feel resentful when he just gives the kids handout after handout. I know they are kids (well 2 are grown up practically) and I am an adult but even so - it is the principle.

Thanks for your input.

"Maybe I don't ask for

"Maybe I don't ask for enough?"

Bingo. I always agree with a Dr Philism I heard once upon a time-

We teach people how to treat us. Many of us women are co-dependent no matter how independent we try to be (I'm assuming the division of finances seemed like the independent path at the time you two established it.)

And I would never advocate being overly dependent financially, though I have been now in both my marriages, I also know after my first divorce and being single for 5 years not to fear doing it all by myself if I need to.

BUT...I think this is a boundary issue. Perhaps he was burned before and doesn't want to make the same "mistake" again. However, you have proven by now you are not after his money. It seems that he comes from a place of distrust, a place of what's mine is mine alone, which is what it sounds like the more details you provide. That's not a place of love in a relationship.

I would tell him that you need to sit down and re-evaluate this financial agreement. Because if you are providing 100 percent of your income to the bills, and the life you are leading together, and he isn't able to provide 100 percent of his, then he is not equally vested no matter how much he still clears after CS/SS.

So here's my thinking. I would set a new boundary that you will contribute the same amount of your earning to your joint finances as the percentage he is able to give of his total income. This is fair. Then you will have the extra money you need to do things like update training to further your career, which you will BOTH benefit from. You will have enough money to get a car loan and pay it back to a BANK, rather than have to ask for it from him. If he's not willing to do that I would drag him into some counseling.

You should be able to build your future just the same as he is able to maintain his past.

So sayeth the SITA!

Okay, let me get this straight. The two of you are married and

what he earns is his and what you earn is his? Not a chance that would happen in my marriage or should happen in any one's marriage. IMHO.

You are partners and his resources are your resources just as yours are his. The investment in your education/training is a family investment and in the ability of the family to better provide for itself in the future. I think I would pull my payroll deposit out of the joint account if I was you and tell him that it is the man's job to provide the family home including the structure, utilities and food.

When he is standing there slack jawed tell him that in order for you to be able to recontribute your income to the family coffers that some of the unused investment assets will need to be accessed for your training. If not, then your income will have to cover it and his can pay all of the bills.

I make the majority of the income in my marriage. My philosophy is that my income pays the bills including retirement investing and my Wife's income provides the life style and accelerates the retirement investing. My income provides the house, food, cars, clothes, vacations, entertainment. Her income provides a nicer home, nicer cars, nicer food, cooler vacations and better entertainment.

We are a team. It all goes in the joint kitty and it all is utilized for the benefit of the family.

My employer paid for my Grad school. My Wife's would not so WE paid for her Grad school. WE also paid for her undergrad which she finished during our marriage. WE made an investment in the family it just happened that that family investment was in HER education.

WE pay for my Son's (SS's) boarding school and WE will pay for his college (hey, it is an investment in our family and in our marriage because I don't want him living on my (sorry, OUR) couch until he is 30yo).

Good luck providing your DH with absolute clarity on this issue.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)

Thanks Rags, Interesting

Thanks Rags,

Interesting comment: 'You are partners and his resources are your resources just as yours are his'.

I hadn't thought of it that way coz I have always felt it my duty to go 50/50 in our relationship. Also, as I have less financially to bring to he relationship he can't benefit too much from my input! The only way he really does is that he couldnt pay for it all and support her too.

Anway, he is sat here saying nothing to me, pulling a mood since I even mentioned it so I guess I know where I stand!

Now I know why I DON'T ask for anything!

If you were burnt by your ex then I admire your commitment to your wife.

By the way we are not married officially - but living together as long as we have is as good as in my book. Especially when I put up with his sh1t all the time!

Ummm...if you're married

Ummm...if you're married none of the money is "his"! Maybe you need to remind him that if ya'll got divorced, you'd get half of any savings. My mom & stepdad are like this & it makes me sick. She can struggle and struggle and he doesn't help her. She says they kept their money separate to avoid fights about money...yeah it doesn't work. It CAUSES fights because if one is struggling they expect help from their spouse. Yet the spouse doesn't seem to want to give it, or expects to be paid back. I would never marry someone like this. I couldn't handle it. My DH joined his accounts with mine when we got engaged...a full year before marriage. To me, men like this are just selfish.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

We have

seperate accounts and he pays his stuff and I pay mine but we do not allow each other to struggle. If he needs help I give it and vice versa. Actually he gives me his check I deposit it and I run his check register pay his bills from his account and tell him how much he has in there he can spend!

What's with the $ issue?

Holy cow! I must live in some strange universe! My husband works...scratch that, we both "work"...is employed (earns $) outside the home and helps inside the home. I help inside the home (ie: household and kid stuff.) AND I go to school AND I have in the past worked/been employed (earning $) out of my home. I am currently taking a year off from being employed, but I am still going to school. I will be employed again in January. We both contribute as much as we can in whatever way we can. I can't imagine having to ask if I could go to school or go to work or I don't know...oh my!

Our money is our money no matter whose name is on the check that goes into the bank. We have a joint account that we use for the big stuff. I kept my account open so I could buy gifts and things that are not important to the household and that money, if I am not working, comes from eBay or yard sales. If I can put money into the household account, I do. Sometimes I will buy groceries or pay bills from my account, no big deal.

We have a plan that in 5 years my DH will stop being employed by someone else and will start to work for himself. At that point being adults we know that will basically mean that I will be the one that is employed or earning the consistant income.

What the h*** happened to give and take and being a team? As usual, I'm with RAGS.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Waiting for them to simply PAS out!" ~ Wicked2Three

Wow, that's unbelievable

I cannot believe he would refuse to lend you a grand total of $500 dollars! He sounds very stingy.

So what are you then...just a means for him to defray some of his expenses or what?

Well

I had it out with him today. Felt good to say my bit. He seems to understand where I am coming from. Think we will take this weekend to talk it out.

Thanks for your insights they were really helpful.

That was predictable

Massive argument. Will post on a new form thread as I think everyone has forgotton this one.

Maybe I will blog for the 1st time? If I know how to.

That is so werid for me. My

That is so werid for me. My husband and I have always had joint everything. He provides for our family very well and I do a very good job of spending it (lol). I have always stayed at home and he has given me free reign to all his accounts since the begining. I guess I lucked out.

That is so screwed up he wont do anything to make you happy. The way I see it, if he truly loved you he would be doing whatever you needed to be happy.

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I'd like to ask you ladies a sensible question. . . .