I think it's over
Since dh refused to help me out and get my son to school for his trip things have been bad. I am still holing on to that anger but I am trying to let it go. Dh is happy go lucky. Bs had a great relationship with dh and now he has zero relationship. Dh acts like it doesn't bother him at all. Bs isn't happy. He barely looked at us over the summer when he was home. Most of the time now he just looks angry. He has anger in his eyes. He isn't angry about missing the trip he is angry that dh didn't care enough to help him. He told me last night he doesn't want to be around dh or his kids anymore. I don't know what to do.
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Why wouldn't your husband be
Why wouldn't your husband be happy go lucky? He is simply playing the rules you put in place. You disengaged from his kids. He accepted your disengagement, but went a step further and disengaged from your kid.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
If you and your son can't life the consequences of the rules you set, then it is time to rethink the rules, accept that your rules will apply to ALL of the kids, or just walk away from this.
If I remember correctly...
If I remember correctly... she couldn't because there just so happened to be big wigs at work that day, and she just so happened to drop her phone in the toilet or something.
And there was absolutely
And there was absolutely nothing she herself could do that day, that night, or the next day to fix it.
Oh I understand your kid. He
Oh I understand your kid. He treated your DH with respect and consideration and thoughtfulness. He appreciated your DH's relationship with him. Your stepkids acted with unkindness and rudeness and entitlement to you and you said no more only because of the rudeness. You were put in that position. You treated them with disengagement based on their behavior. Your son wants to be treated based on his behavior and he wasn't and he's mad at your DH and I would be too.
my relationship didn't make it. I've had my ups and downs with my stepkids. When they were openly rude and disrespectful to me, I would pull back and not do anything for them anymore. I took them to Disney. IT was expensive. In the pool, they and DH came up to me and said, "we still want to go to the dinner reservations you made. But we don't want you to go. or your kids. Just us. and the friend you also paid to attend. and we want you to still pay for it. " Why would I keep taking kids like that to Disney with me? Am I glutton for punishment? no. And after not getting invited to any of our other Disney or theme park trips, I think it finally occurred to them why they weren't getting invited anymore. And when they grew and matured and acted like normal considerate people , Well then I would engage again with them. That's the way life goes. and when they are rude, I pull back and they don't hear from me. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Its what we teach elementary school kids. And when they get bullied on the playground, we tell those same kids "don't play with them anymore." We don't tell them not to play with the kids are being nice and thoughtful. So it's no one your son is bitter.
I completely agree with this.
I completely agree with this. If you disengaged because your DH's kids were disrespectful and he did not deal with it and he did this in retaliation then yeah I'd be pissed. I'd be pissed if I was your son and I'd be pissed if I was you. If this was the case maybe try counseling. But if your husband is this vindictive you really need to determine if your relationship is worth saving.
Not quite sure why all of
Not quite sure why all of your son's anger is aimed at his stepfather, since you are the one who was supposed to take him and didn't, and you are the one who broke your phone and apparently had absolutely no conceivable way to contact anyone after DH, and you are the one who didn't arrange some way for him to go the next day. Not even sure why you son needed to know that DH wouldn't take him in the first place.
Nevertheless, I'm sorry if your marriage is over.
I think the boy actually has
I think the boy actually has a pretty good handle on the situation and that is why he is angry at both of them.
1. His SD used to be good to him and they had a good relationship (supposedly). Now, his feelings are hurt because SD is disengaged from him and he feels he didn't do anything to deserve the treatment.
2. He blames the stepsiblings for causing problems that caused his mom to disengage from them and that in turn caused his stepdad to disengage from him. So, he resents that their actions ruined his relationship with his stepdad. Add some sibling rivalry issues there.
3. He is mad at his MOM because her actions caused his stepdad to turn his back on him. The trip was just a physical manifestation of this.
He sees his mom choosing her husband over him. He sees his stepsiblings causing strife that he suffered the fallout for and he was cast aside by the stepfather through no fault of his own.
It sounds like your son is
It sounds like your son is angry with you, your dh, and the situation. He should also have taken responsibility and called his traveling companions. He should have called all of his relatives, including his biodad.
You have alot of blended family issues. I don't know if they are fixable. The fact is that your dh doesn't care about your kid and you don't like or care for his. Some couples are able to get paat this as long as both parties are actively in agreement of disengagement.
I would take your kid on a weekend vacation of his choice. By not including your dh, you don't have to worry about him or skids.
It sounds like you both won't be able to get past this though.
Here is the thing. You
Here is the thing. You cannot expect your DH to consider your child HIS family when you refuse to consider his kids YOUR family.
You chose to disengage yet you expected your husband to continue to be suro-dad to your boy. He balked at you trying to create a "family unit" without his children. I think you and Blackhole could be the same person..lol.
Look, I understand that you don't like his kids. I don't know what they have done, how old they are, whether there would have been a chance of a more harmonious relationship but you can't expect something from your DH that you are not willing to do yourself. But, schemes like trips to theme parks without HIS kids are not going to get you your goal.
Your son is pissed that you screwed up his relationship with your DH and he is angry at your DH for using his relationship with him as fuel to get back at you.
You either need to revisit your decision to disengage with his kids or leave.. pretty much the only two solutions I see. He is not going to play daddy to your kid on a full time basis while you refuse to be in the same room with HIS.
"My son is a straight A
"My son is a straight A student and helpful, kind and just overall good. His are failures and rude, snotty and mean. When I did help out his kids never said thank you or appricated it so I stopped. My son would have been extremely grateful."
And when asked if shoe was on other foot and Skid needed one time 'emergency' favor, OP couldn't say she would.
Pfft. The good kid vs. bad kid. It never seems to occur to some SMs that no matter how 'special' aka good their bio-kid is she/he isn't anymore worthy of a stepfather's love and undying devotion than his own 'bad' kid. Geez, some we'll hear SF is cutting up steak and cobbled corn just so his own kids can eat too. Perhaps instead the good kid sobbing because SF dumped her off to college excursion to spend time with his own bad kid.
"It never seems to occur to
"It never seems to occur to some SMs that no matter how 'special' aka good their bio-kid is she/he isn't anymore worthy of a stepfather's love and undying devotion than his own 'bad' kid."
I disagree with this. The issue in question has nothing to do with DH devotion to his own kids. OP is not complaining about what he DH did with his kids. But as an unrelated adult your interaction with a kid is heavily based on their behavior. If SK treats me badly they would be foolish to think I'd go out of my way for them. If SKs are good well mannered kids then yeah I (any reasonable adult) would respond in kind. OP DH is at fault, depending on what OPs actual issues with her SKs are, if her son is well mannered and well behaved and he was still treated badly by his SF. As yes I said treated badly, not because SF disengaged but because of the reason why he disengaged.
Read the blog where OP was
Read the blog where OP was mad about Memorial Day weekend. She wanted DH to 'make-it-up' to his SS by just her, her kid and SF to go Universal (minus his bio-kids). He got p*ssed his weren't included and announced no.
Then, per her story SF planned to take his own kids without her and her kid.
"The OP disengaged because of
"The OP disengaged because of the skids bad behavior "
I guess my question is what exactly was this behavior? What was so overwhelmingly horrid about them? How old were the kids?
I mean, I think that when you try to bring kids into a different home setup there can be bumps in the road. Kids can have ruffled feathers because they are insecure about their place in the new relationship. Kids can be used to a different set of rules and expectations. Kids are immature.
From the other post, I read in one place that a SD was civil to her "only because he made her be." Well, golleee gee, dad actually insisted that she be civil and she complied. That seems like the guy was attempting to parent his kids and make things work. OP seems like she had less patience with the transition and thought disengaging was a good solution. Unfortunately, she didn't take into account all the compromising and effort her DH was probably putting into getting along with HER kid.
When he saw she wasn't going to put in effort on HIS kids, he decided to not put any more effort into HERs. The boy got the brunt of these "adults" decisions.
I personally don't think that disengaging is a great solution to minor children IN the home. I think it is better reserved for adult SK's unless there are extenuating circumstances (some of which I HAVE seen on this site). It is unfair to expect one's partner to be a fully involved in YOUR kids if you aren't willing to put effort into having a relationship with THEIRS. Of course, it is also expected that the BIO parent actually parent their own kids and make them follow rules and put effort in also.
What we have here is the natural consequence of disengagement decisions by a step parent.
SM disengages from Skids ...
SM disengages from Skids ... SF/DH disengages from her kids/Bkids. Tit-for-tat. The entire household devolves into a "parallel play" situation. Toddlers on a playground.
Agree with BioSon's looks of disgust/disappointment with both OP and her DH and the skids in the family. He is likely eyeing the portal to graduation/school/job with quiet glee. Get shut of this clusterf*ck of "family love" and never look back.
Well the replies I am getting
Well the replies I am getting are eye opening that is for sure. Someone pointed out what I didn't put into words and that was ds is hurt because he has done nothing wrong. He went from having a great relationship with dh to nothing. Dh used that moment that I asked for help to completely cut ds off and he has continued that. Dh will speak to him if bs asks him a question and that is it. He doesn't talk to him anymore. They don't do things together anymore. Dh went from treating bs like a son/friend to like someone he has to speak to. That is it! I don't understand why that is okay. Bs did nothing to deserve that. He hasn't gone to any marching band practices or anything this yr. He has always gone and participated with bs.
Your husband isn't interested
Your husband isn't interested in putting any more effort into your child. You have made it clear you will put no effort into having a relationship with his.
Why should your DH be anything to your son when you refuse to have anything to do with his kids?
This isn't a fight between dh
This isn't a fight between dh and I. This isn't a fight where I out the kids in the middle of it. I disengaged from his kids. Their attitude is what caused me to disengage.
She claims her son is "good"
She claims her son is "good" and his kids are "bad".
She can't even begin to have any empathy for his kids that adjusting to their dad having a new wife and another kid around. They may have a BM who was bitter and they came in with some resentment.
However, the OP hasn't stated here the kids' ages or specific examples of how his kids were so terrible. I think in the other post that she alluded to her stepdaughter being hard to get going in the morning. Crap, I am an adult and have a hard time getting my tail up and moving in the morning. I think she was taking a lot of things personally that weren't necessarily meant that way.
Maybe his kids needed time to adjust? Maybe they needed MORE time than her kid did. Maybe the rules they have been living with are different and they are learning a new way or resent changes. Maybe they are jealous of their dad acting fatherly to her son. Maybe the two adults could have worked harder at getting everyone through the rough patches. maybe some empathy for the situation that the children are going through.
I have seen some pretty bad stuff on this site. Drug addictions, threats of physical harm to babies etc... was it all that bad or was it just normal kid stuff.
I think it's unrealistic to expect everyone to get along like the brady bunch but certainly the ADULTS should be able to take the high road and work through things. I see disengagement only a good option in EXTREME situations and even then, you run this risk that your spouse will not feel the need to put themselves out there for YOUR kid if you have given up on theirs. Especially if you go all three foot high letters with it and announce your disengagement.
Are you willing to reengage
Are you willing to reengage with his kids?
No. Their behavior hasn't
No. Their behavior hasn't changed. If anything it has gotten worse.
How old are his kids? I'm
How old are his kids?
I'm just curious why you, as an adult, can't be the bigger person and work towards having some more civil relationship. You even mentioned that the kids WERE civil to you. What did they do that you find so unacceptable?
SD16-ish may have possibly
SD16-ish may have possibly puked in OP's new car when picked up from school nurse for being ill.
EDIT: don't know that this happened, but I do remember OP's FEAR of this happening
Then you can't expect your
Then you can't expect your husband to be bothered with your kid.
Accept the fact that your marriage is over and move on.
You disengaged, so he
You disengaged, so he disengaged. He picked a terrible moment to do it. You have been angry and resentful ever since. DH has shut down completely. Apparently you are both too self-righteously entrenched in your positions to work through this. So yes, it seems like it is over to me, too. And ALL of the kids are collateral damage.
Agree with other posters who said to get your son into counseling.
It's only going to get worse
It's only going to get worse for all the kids from here on out. Neither one intends to stop this war because both believe they are the right other wrong.
So you don't want to reengage
So you don't want to reengage with his kids. He doesn't want to with your son.
Cracker girl - what do you want to see happening in the near future?
You can't control or force your dh be a part of your sons life. That is not going to happen. He obviously feels to much resentment and is focusing on his kids only.
She refused to pick her
She refused to pick her stepdaughter up from school when she was sick when her husband asked her to help him by doing it. She thinks she was justified in refusing to go out of her way to help him by picking up HIS sick child. I mean, that has to be a pretty hard line in the sand when your spouse will not help even when the child is ILL.
I am pretty sure that even in a lot of disengagement cases that a step parent would have stepped in to help their spouse out. She showed him how she played it, so he did the same.
So, when the trip issue came up he felt no need to go out of HIS way for her child.
Yes, tit for tat.
I agree, we are only getting
I agree, we are only getting one rosy side of the picture.
I don't know why she can't have an adult discussion with her husband about the situation. Maybe go to counseling together and with ALL the kids to see how they can relate better. If they can't/won't do it, she needs to get her kid out of that toxic situation.
Cloud is your friend.
Cloud is your friend.
How do you cloud?
How do you cloud?