SD now refuses to visit SO...because of me?
Well, I feel like hell now. And I know I shouldn't because all this is is a reflection on SD and GUBM, but, ouch. This really hurts. And I apologize if this is all over the place because I am running off of only five hours of sleep and I'm still reeling from all of this. I probably shouldn't, but, it's difficult for me right now.
Apparently, SO has been keeping the fact that SD completely hates me hidden. He's been avoiding telling me for some reason, until last night. She called him and told him that she won't come visit this summer at all because she doesn't want to be around me. She apparently hates me that much.
Honestly, I've never done anything to this kid to warrant being hated. I'm not a big fan of the way she acts, but, I'm not mean to her. I have expectations, sure, but they're reasonable and they are that she respects me and treats me and everyone else in our house with respect and dignity. And she apparently cannot do that so she hates me. Because how dare I have expectations on her, how dare I ask her to do anything. How dare I ever attempt to discipline her when she's treating me like a pile of crap. I should smile and say "Thank you SD, for existing, because you're the most precious snowflake ever. Here, let me spend all of my money on you to show you that I really do love you and please keep treating me like garbage. I do so love that."
That's literally the only thing I could think, that because I don't fawn all over her like GUBM does, telling her how special and spectacular she is and how she's so much better than everyone else then I must somehow be defective. I mean, when she's around I spend time with her. I do things for her. I do things that she wants to do, watch things on TV that she wants to watch (within reason), take her places with me, etc. I give her things that I think she would genuinely like. I consider her a hell of a lot more than her own mother considers her. And I'm sure that she forgets all of this because of the way her mind operates. You can do 1001 awesome things for her, but, if you don't blow smoke up her ass just once and tell her how spectacular she is when she's misbehaving, you suck. And likewise, she can be as mean and rude and awful to you as she likes, but, because she might do ONE nice thing for you, she's a superstar. She can treat me like crap for a whole month, but, because she tells SO that she hopes I feel better because he had to take me to the ER, that makes her a selfless saint of a child in her mind.
I shouldn't be surprised. Her mother disparages me to her. I know she does. I just don't know what that asshat says about me because I've only been privileged enough to hear one outburst from her and I honestly don't care what she has to say about me. That asshat GUBM ensured that I never had a chance with SD. It's no wonder GUBM kept telling SO that he should prioritize his relationship with his daughter - she meant that he should get rid of me so that SD can come and go as she pleases without having to deal with me and so that GUBM can string him along and treat him like a chew toy.
I knew she wasn't all hunky dory with me, and I never believed SO when he would tell me that she really does like me. But, I never thought she would ever come out and say that she hates me so severely. When he got off the phone with her, he said she wasn't going to visit this summer. I asked if she gave him a reason and he said "Because of us." But, she's willing to see him in a couple of weeks when we are back east. But only because while he's in NJ, I'll be in NYC at a conference. That's the only reason she agreed. So, after telling me that I said "So, it's not us, it's me." He then told me that she hates me and the fact that he's with me, so, yes technically it is us and she likely would hate whoever he was romantically involved with right now. It's just that it happens to be me.
So, SD is giving SO the famous ultimatum without coming right out and saying "it's me or her". She tried this crap on a smaller scale last summer and apparently she is still persisting. And now I'm terrified that he's going to be like so many others that I have read about and that he's going to leave me because he can't stand not having his daughter visit him. Which is weirdly unfounded because he assured me last night that he's not letting his daughter dictate who he can and cannot date; he's not putting her happiness over and above his own happiness. He said that he thinks she really wants him to be happy, but, with the bs that GUBM feeds her, she probably feels justified in telling him that she hates me and that that will make him unhappy with me.
What the actual f*ck happened? This kid went from wanting to move out here in December to suddenly not wanting to even visit lest she be around me?
And one thing that really gets to me with all of this is that SD's hatred for me is going to make it that much harder for SO and I to do anything. If we get married, that's going to cause a problem. If we have kids, that's going to cause a problem. My simple existence is problematic in her mind.
He says that he's going to try to talk to her and explain to her how he thinks her opinion about me is unfounded. He thinks this is a point to move forward from because at least she's now being honest. But I don't see how it can be a point to move forward from because she's still living with that asshat GUBM of hers who placates her and fills her head with lies about us.
But, am I really upset because SD hates me? Meh. Kind of but only because I've never done anything to warrant hate. I'm more upset because of the possibility of his family forming a new opinion of me. His dad, his siblings, his mom, might start disliking me or mistrusting me if they think that SD hates me for any founded reason. And I know his sister won't be all hunky dory with it because their father disowned her in favor of his wife all because she was dating a man of color and had children with him.
So, congratulations SD. You have now made my life a miserable whirlwind of emotions and problems. You have now made it that much more difficult for me to want to talk to, see, or interact with you dad's family because now I'm terrified that they're going to hate me.
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That's largely the attitude
That's largely the attitude SO has taken with it; that it's her loss if she doesn't come visit. It's just harder for me sometimes because I grew up in a very turbulent and abusive household where I was harshly criticized and blamed for so many ridiculous things, so, my default is to immediately turn it all in on myself and say "well, clearly, this is why you are to blame." Then it just comes down to reminding myself that I did the best I could and that it was an uphill climb against people who were fighting me tooth and nail for no reason.
I can rationalize that she hates the idea of sharing her father, I even told SO last night that I feel that if I weren't around, she would probably move in with him in a heartbeat. He said that she would then be disappointed to realize that oh, gee, he really does have rules and expectations and that he'll be tough on her until she shapes up. She doesn't want to be his daughter, she wants to be his partner and mini-wife and probably does not understand how he can be happy without her glued to his side. She and GUBM have conflated her relationship with him with my relationship with him, and they're two completely different beasts and two completely different kinds of love.
She's made it evident through her behavior and body language over the years that she wanted to separate us. She even came out and told him last summer that she doesn't like the way things are or the way they were and that she doesn't like having to "compete" with me - he quickly told her that she's the only one acting like it's a competition because our relationships with him are two completely different things. I'm at least grateful that he's wise enough to call her on her bs and to tell her how it really is, though, she doesn't seem to get it because GUBM is always there to remind her how wrong SO is for having anyone else in his life other than SD and GUBM.
I feel like I might do better if I can just keep reminding myself of all of the "evidence" that contradicts me being useless/at fault/etc, but it's hard to get there some times. Comments like your own do help, though. It just all makes me wish my counselor wasn't out on medical leave right now :/ She'd likely be telling me right now that it's all for the best because do I really want to have a sullen teenager who expresses hatred towards me in my own home? Not really.
I think, ultimately, these negative feelings towards myself are just masking the frustration and helplessness I feel towards the entire situation. Because as long as her asshat GUBM has a vendetta against SO, she's going to disparage SO and me to SD so that she can "win" her own imaginary competition.
I definitely need to stop
I definitely need to stop giving a damn about this child's opinion of me. I mean, hell, it took me three years to work up the courage to disengage from SD when she was actively behaving like a brat towards me.
I need to remember that I owe her nothing at this point, she doesn't want to be polite to me, whatever, don't come to our place in PGH. Stay in NJ with your mom. I don't owe her an apology, an explanation or anything. Because as nice as I have been, she still resents me because I'm in her dad's life. And it would be the case for any person who he was involved with, were that not me.
I am going thru this right
I am going thru this right now. I feel for you....
DH told me this weekend he thinks divorce is inevitable and I think it has to do with SS not coming around nor having anything to do with him. Plus all the arguments we have had because of BM and SS.
This is what I'm afraid of,
This is what I'm afraid of, I'm afraid that SO is willing to stick with me now, but, what about in a few years if SD never gets over herself? *sigh* I told him last night that it's pretty common for skids to behave in this way and that, from the few experiences I've ever read on here, sometimes the bioparent leaves the significant other in favor of having a relationship with the skid. He insists it won't happen because he insists that he'll only resent SD if our relationship were to end because of this. That, and he doesn't tolerate ultimatums. He thinks they're childish attempts to manipulate people. But, yea :/ Can you tell I'm a highly insecure person?
I have always tried to tell
I have always tried to tell DH that SS will grow up and mature and he will become more reasonable but I think DH realizes that may never happen.
I'd give you the t-shirt, but
I'd give you the t-shirt, but I couldn't get worked up enough about to make them.
I know it sucks and yes, it can complicate some things, sort of if you or SO allows it, but it doesn't really have to change things all that much. DH and I went through this. SD even took him to court to not have to have visitation anymore she hates me that much. And like you, all I've ever done to earn her hatred is exist and be in a relationship with her father.
We got married anyway. SD hasn't come to see DH since and oh well, she made her choice and the court system backed her up. DH is pretty much over it. She's said so many horrible things to him since then that there's no pleasure in talking to her at all and no incentive to visit. Her attitude and comments about me haven't affected my relationship with DH's family either. MIL and all the siblings-IL either don't believe her vitriol or just don't care because there's been no change in how they respond to or treat me since it all went down.
SD's cousins don't even seem to have any issues. Several of them stepped in to my defense and only one (who didn't like me to begin with cause well, he's another f'ed up skid who blames the world for all his deviant behavior) ignores me.
DH and I are expecting our first child. SD just doesn't factor into it. We both realize it's incredibly unlikely that she will ever have a relationship with our daughter and it's just the way it is. I'm more than fine with it, as I don't want her life view or behavior ever rubbing off on my kid and DH is resigned. He'd Like one big happy family fantasy, but he knows it won't happen and it doesn't seem to even really make him sad anymore.
As long as your SO isn't blaming you or holding out for the day when SD comes around, it doesn't really make anything harder. My DH, much like your SO, decided that his daughter couldn't dictate his happiness and we've moved on with our life. We get that SD thinks she's justified in hating me and now hating both of us because he 'picked me over her' but it's crap and it doesn't influence our choices. The only thing it complicates is wills, but I think that's true in any step situation.
This is kind of the vibe I'm
This is kind of the vibe I'm getting off of SO (but, really, is what he told me last night). He's going to let SD live with her choices. His thoughts are that if she wants to act like an adult, then, she's going to be treated like one.
Drop out of school in 7th grade? Live with the consequences. Drop out of dad's life because you're too self-righteous to deal with the other important person in his life? Live with the consequences. Can't be buggered to be respectful in Dad and AtMC's house? Live with the consequences of not coming over to see Dad.
He views it as SD missing out and losing out, a perspective I would love to have because it's the truth. She's going to miss out on having us in her life if she persists like this. All we're missing out on, right now, is having a self-righteous, self-centered, brattitude in our house a couple times a year. SO still talks to her, heck, he does the most work in their relationship. And she's the one that might regret it when he's not around. Heck, I had my dad in my life completely up until the day he died when I was 12 and there are so many things that I wished I would have had the chance to do with him before that. There are still days where the sting of not having him around gets to me. So, I think right now I'm hoping SD experiences half of that pain for her actions. But, if not, whatever, right?
He still holds onto the hope that maybe one day SD will come around and pull her head out of her backside, but, he admits that is something he has to work through himself. So, maybe it's not all horrible and it's just a "*shrug* oh well, SD hates me, what can I do?" type situation.
I get that it hurts to be
I get that it hurts to be vilified when you've done nothing to deserve it, and maybe I'm just sort of unfeeling, but to me it really is just a *shrug* whatever situation. Her removing herself from our life has made some things actually easier because we don't have to deal with the tantrums and the attitude and the gimme gimmes in person. I don't have to worry about her being jealous of the baby and ruining the baby's things or hurting my child. We don't have to worry about lies being told to CPS. It means less stress on our relationship.
DH wavers some days over her living with the consequences. Then he remembers who she is and it's back to, if she wants to be like this, then too bad for her. She can deal with all that comes with telling him to stay out of her life. That pain for her will come monetarily because BM certainly can't afford to buy her a car, pay for college or a wedding, etc.
There's always the sneaking hope that someday she'll grow up and get her head out of her butt, but we both realize that's incredibly unlikely. DH doesn't like it, but he's gotten to the point where he shrugs and goes on with his day when it comes up. I think he thinks about the life he had before me, when his whole life was about her and BM's drama and then life with me, particularly now and he gets that he has a right to be happy, whether SD and BM approve of that happiness or not. He doesn't need their approval.
It does hurt, to be certain,
It does hurt, to be certain, and I find myself questioning why I'm letting the flawed, angry opinion of a sullen, snarky teenager who acts like a spoiled toddler get to me like this. Obviously if I were as awful as she claims SO wouldn't still be with me. He wouldn't say his only regret is not noticing her attitude towards me sooner. He would just tell me to STFU and get out. But he's not. He's not letting her stand in the way of our future and our happiness, so, why should I? I really just gotta repetitively say my usual mantra to myself "Not my kid, not my problem" because who cares if she hates me? She's missing out. Not me.
It's definitely helpful to know that there are people out there who have not only been through this but who have managed it, their relationship thriving in the face of that kind of adversity. It's really telling, though, about how much their own lives are miserable. Can't stand to see SO happy, no way, he must be kept miserable to make GUBM and SD feel better and superior. The pathetic part is that GUBM is teaching SD that not only is SD responsible for GUBM's happiness, but, that other people are responsible for SD's happiness. So it really kind of sucks for her that she'll never be able to make or find her own happiness.
Earlier today, I remembered something SO told me last night, when we were discussing all of this. He said SD wants to be an electrical engineer, but, the program she was talking about going into was for civil engineering. And she had no idea because she half-assed her research and just assumed an engineer is an engineer is an engineer. Am I really going to hedge my happiness today, or ever, on the opinion of someone who puts the bare minimum effort in, if that, in deciding her own future? No way.
Your SD is a little shi**. SD
Your SD is a little shi**. SD is not a parent and does not have the authority to decide if she comes for a visit or not. Thats SO job. It is also SO job to teach SD to respect anyone in his home. Which it sounds like he is not doing. Even though this is happening to you, it is probably not about you at all. It is BM and SD trying to run SO life by enforcing what they want and it would happen to any female that SO tries to be with. SO needs to wise up and see what is really happening here.
If SO is not man enough to do that you need to leave because you are in for alot of misery.
SO is remorseful about
SO is remorseful about letting it go on as long as it did. He only really realized the full extent last summer (because he never believed that she was that callous towards me, he thought I was just misreading her actions..right).
It would definitely happen regardless of who SO was with. He even said last night that if he ran to his best friend for comfort and platonic companionship post-break up that GUBM and SD would have turned on him, too. He's a lot wiser than he has been and he knows and realizes what's going on. He's been a comfort to me in this because he's been reassuring about his feelings towards me and his own family.
But, if SD doesn't want to come, why force it? Then she'll be extra miserable and I'd rather not have to deal with that brattitude living in my house alongside SD.
ETA: I will say, though, that as much as I can't stand how she's behaving towards anyone, I will not go as far as to call her a little sh*t. She's acting like a mega brat to be sure, but, that's her behavior. Not intrinsically who she is. I guess this might be a clue as to why I get so hurt by people who behave in awful ways. I try to see the good deep down inside of them.
I hated feeling that way and
I hated feeling that way and its important to remember what and who you do have in your life. I don't know if this could be your case or not but what stressed me out the most, I wasn't sure who I was most upset with. The questions in my head was "how can I be upset with SD if its her BM's doing on the innocence of her own child?" then it went to "How can I be pissed at BM though when it came out of SD's mouth?" and...so on. I would be willing to bet you that your SD is jumping the fence with everyone. I'm sure BM had her own thoughts about you and then SD adds lies on top of that. Glad to hear your DH is supportive of you and don't be afraid to remind yourself that you are a good person and there are people out there who love you.
I think you're right, it is
I think you're right, it is hard to decide who to be upset with. SD is an obvious option because she's the one who hates me. But, GUBM never even gave me the chance to genuinely get to know SD. And yea, maybe SD should have known better or could have formed her own opionins based on our experiences together.
I also agree that SD jumps the fence with everyone. She tells different people different things based on her own perceived benefit of the situation. Like, she told her cousin that SO doesn't love her anymore or want anything to do with her once, in a play for sympathy. His sister heard about it and clarified it with SO. And she told SO quite a few times that GUBM gets all upset when she goes home after a visit and talks about how much fun she had. So, I'm guessing that SD, for self-preservation, got into the habit of saying how awful and horrible I am to GUBM, who also hates me, and then it just snowballed. I didn't stand a chance with them.
So, whatever, I guess. SO is supportive of me and that means a lot. It's good to get this all out on here. Helps to make my brain calmer, that's for sure.