Hello again

Forums:

I need your advice once again. Crazily not a step issue, but boundaries yes. FOG. Fear, obedience and guilt which drives many of us that post here. So in nutshell I have been estranged from brother and mother for the past almost 4 years. Long story short my mother created Frankenstein her son and had to keep feeding the monster. She left my father and me and my family did hospice in our home while mother was living across the country caring for brother's child from surrogate and paying his bills on their pension. When I stopped the spigot I was terrorized for almost a year. Police wellness checks in the middle night, threats, etc etc. my father died, trust control went to mother who gave it all to brother's minor child as he had filed for bankruptcy. Almost a million bucks.
fast forward to today. I get called from a person looking to buy brother's home, thousands mile from me.... PREFORECLOSURE. wtf. I easily see on google two foreclosure suits. Sheriff sale in a couple weeks. Google brother. He is living in his happy place thousand miles away. With child. I am in contact with a relative and I was simply going to let it lie. Oh yeah there is tons of anger, outrage. But I reached out and it appears, that brother has moved out and mother is still in the house. She is in the mid 90's and not too well wrapped 4 years ago. Sooooo, has he abandoned her after literally using her for years like a piece of garbage. And do I care.

but this is old me, the one who always picked up their shit. always brother treated like the king. You guys can relate. I know. I've tossed around ideas. Pay for an apartment for her? But that will not be so free emotionally? and I am falling into the same pattern of not letting them suffer their fate. My mother chose my brother. Not just in a small way. She ripped my heart out. Destroyed me 4 years ago. I'd love to hear your thoughts. And yes the only fact I know is sheriff sale of house this month.

What does she say?

How awful, what a terrible situation. Not sure if you would want to speak to her but it would be interesting to know if she even understands she will soon be homeless. At 90, anything is possible and she might have dementia and not even know. In any case, learning about her physical condition might mean she'd qualify for Medicaid housing in a nursing home. Is your brother your only sibling?

Yes

I am feeling like I want to pretend I did not hear of this. When I tell you how horrific they were, I can't open this door and in many ways this monster just continues to get away with it all and I am left to clean up. No I can't. I have healed from what they put us through. I made my peace with mother, she is dead to me. The things she said. The messages left. I can't open this door again. She literally took everything from me, of my childhood. I was totally disinherited. And now 3 years later where is the million bucks.

I understand

I understand how you feel. This sounds like a situation where the police or social services do their thing when she's evicted. Do you think she will try to contact you?

Good

Your mother helped make your brother a monster. Sadly, I have seen and heard of this dynamic before. One child is either unreasonably favored or ostracized, largely due to the parents' dysfunction. The favored child often turns into a rotten person. The ostracized child sometimes rises above to do well, other times, they are damaged for life. I am proud of you for being aware and putting your well-being first. The brother probably hopes to discard your mother now that he has drained her of her resources.

She’s not

going to qualify for Medicaid if she's given away her assets.

5-year lookback

I think Medicaid has a 5-year lookback. If the giveaway occurred before then, she'd qualify, I think.

It was 5yrs when we went through it with my GM.

That was ~25yrs ago.

Right.

But if sounds like she has been during these recent years.

Exactly. Medicaid goes back,

Exactly. Medicaid goes back, what, 5 years looking for assets that might have been given away. This might be your best revenge.

I had (he has now passed) a greedy cousin who "took care of his mother". It was her $$ that bought their home etc. When she got older he cleaned out her savings account, etc. (he had access) and put her in a nursing home and expected Medicaid/Medicare to pay for it. Well, when they checked and found out he had abscounded with almost $100,000 they went after him. Sad part is that his lawyer got him off with only having to give a portion of it back.

Thanks

I can't open this door again. I won't do it. I said my goodbyes to having a mother years ago.

If i'm reading this right,

If i'm reading this right, she gave all the money to brother's son (therefore giving it to brother?) So mom is destitute? If so, and she is unable to care for herself, the state will have to step in. I agree with Cajun, don't dump any more money i to the situation. But *if* you want, you could possibly report your brother for elder abuse/neglect. It may constitute financial abuse, what he did. Only a lawyer would know if some of the money she gave him could be forced to be used for her care.

Call for a wellness check and report elder abuse.

That is the extent of your involvement IMHO.

If criminal charges against your brother come out of it, even better.

Do not expose yourself to any calls for you to come to the rescue. Calling for a elder wellness check and reporting elder abuse should end your engagement on it. The system will care for your mother if necessary. Initiating that is the right thing.

Take care of you.

I'd contact Adult Protective

I'd contact Adult Protective Services. By law, they are required to "save" elderly people in these situations.

I have a toxic, venomous sister in a similar situation. We do not talk. She stopped paying her mortgage a couple years ago and came to this area (another state) for an unscheduled "visit," expecting all of us to drop what we were doing (as usual). We know her. It was a scouting trip. . . scouting for where she could next live for free/who she could mooch off of. All of us (another sibling, niece, et al) did have other plans that weekend and we told her so. She was furious, turned her car around, and left.

FF two years: Foreclosure proceedings (again) on a house her 2nd husband paid for and gave to her years ago. But she kept cashing out/refinancing because she's too good to work like other people. She found someone who bails people out of these situations as his business, but the fact is, although she's stalling with this guy (my brother tells me), she will get kicked out of the house by the end of the year.

I dealt with this person most of my life. I know what she's like. I am happily detached. It is sad, but it's not my problem. We figure she will end up homeless or her one ex-husband, now widowed, will take her in. . . she's apparently been sniffing around him lately after being an abusive B to him during their marriage. So transparent and disgusting.

We reap what we sow. Most of the time.

Take care of yourself.

Thanks.

You all helped with your advice. If I do hear anything in the coming weeks I'll simply call social services in her city and report what I know. She destroyed me and my family and no more. When I buried my father almost 4 years ago I buried them too emotionally. No more. The irony though. She chose a son of her creation. A Frankenstein. I really fear for my nephew but it's not in my control. The tears have finally stopped.
the old feelings of fear obligation and guilt are gone this morning. I feel ok. Life goes on.

Don't wait. Call now.

Provide every bit of factual information at your disposal.

Mecicare/Medicaid and the SSA may be able to claw back all or part of her resources for her care.

That is something I would consider as a way to engage some support for her. Support that in no way impacts you beyond giving you some self grace in all of this.

If the system goes after your brother. Bonus!

It sort of sounds like the

It sort of sounds like the brother took advantage of an old woman with dementia. She might not have been of sound mind to give the assets to the grandson.

Protect Yourself

I am sorry your parents put you in this position. Your dad seems to have been in denial about your mom, and she unfairly left you to care for your father and essentially disinherited you. Your brother seems beyond redemption. I would look up the filial laws in your state, and the one your mother moved to. If they consider children responsible for elderly parents, start gathering notes and proof why you shouldn't be held responsible, financially ir physically. Caretakers see a decrease in life span and health. Your mother failed you and she should not be able to hurt you anymore, even by depending on you. If she ends up in a care facility, I would advise them the brother's child has the assets of the trust, they might be able to claw some of that back for her care.

Thank you for this.

I documented everything. Even have recordings of her threatening me. What I just can't understand is why did brother let the house go into foreclosure? There must be some money left. This was only 3 years ago. Why not just sell if he wanted out? I have felt so off kilter since I found this out. She changed her will to leave everything to my brother. She cashed out life insurance policy and wired him the money the next day. I have documentation of it all. My father would not have money for groceries before he lived with me. And he died a broken man in my home. No help. No Medicaid. And for months after I would have tremendous anxiety. No I am done.

So sorry to hear this

When I say"this" I mean all of it. I agree with many here. Report and then step away. It all sounds so emotionally damaging. How did the person who called you about the foreclosed house get your phone number? That's creepy, too.

I am so sorry…

...you are going through this. Please take care of yourself and your family. Your well being...mentally, physically, and financially...is what is important now. Blessings to you.

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