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How's this for twisted?

Donna S's picture

Hi,
I was reading some posts in other discussions about the antics that BM's or ex-wives will use to insert themselves into our lives (and that of their ex-husbands). I wanted to share a story about my DH's ex-wife. The situation always bugged me a little bit, but after reading some of your stories, I am now thinking again about how sneaky ex's can be.
My DH and his ex have not been a couple for more than 10 years now. She never got along with his brother and sister. In fact, she despises his sister and doesn't feel much better about his brother.
DH and his ex never got along either. Even when they were married (and before). Silly man didn't see the red flags I guess.

Anyway, about 4 or 5 years ago, DH's sister and brother decide to fly to our part of the country for a family visit so that the nieces can meet their cousins (my SD's). BM allows the SD's to stay at our home during their visit. My DH had not seen his brother or sister in almost 10 years. BM did not come by and try to visit with any of us. (thank god).

Cut to about 2 years later. My DH and I took his daughters to his brother's place several thousand miles away for another visit. While touring through his brother's house we come across a fairly recent photograph of his ex-wife with his daughters. Myself and the SD's both recognize the picture instantly.
DH's brother says "oh yeah, out of the blue she sends me that picture at Christmas" (with a Christmas card signed by BM on behalf of her and her daughters.) My SD's had no idea she sent him the picture or a card.
Turns out she sent the card not long after the brother's visit to our residence.

My brother-in-law and the BM absolutely did not get along. He could barely stand her. She has not one nice thing to say about him.

I think she felt left out after their visit to our place and did this to remind him that SHE was the girls' mother, SHE was the original wife and SHE should not be forgotton. (who could).

Interesting, she did not send a picture to his sister. Did she have some secret attraction to his brother do you think? Any theories? My DH and I were wondering about this again the other night and find the whole thing very strange.

Run 4 the hills's picture

Well how about THIS:

Our delightful BM has not only turned his sister against us in quite dramatic style (don't want to go into the details but it ended up in a big fight). She has now ingratiated herself to his PARENTS! Who KNOW all the crap she puts us through and badmouth her all the time.

She turned up on their DOORSTEP the other day and invited herself (and the skids) to dinner!!!!!? Hello????!!!! How weird is THAT? AND they let her in!

Talk about betrayal. How do you think this makes me feel when his folks come over and I have to play nice when I know what is going on behind our backs. We only found out coz the skids told us. His parents have gone mysteriously quiet. . . . funny old thing.

DH told the bitch long ago to have no contact with his family but do you think she will listen when she sees a chance to wreck things for us? Not a chance.

So my poor DH (and me to some extent) have a very difficult relationship with his family through no fault of our own. We are plenty nice to them. They are just 2 faced! I feel sorry for him having such a 2 faced, disloyal family.

His Ex - evil, twisted, sick BITCH!!!!!!!!!!! As if her family would even give DH the time of day (mainly down to the untrue portrait she painted of him whenthey split). not that he is sad enough to maintain contact.

There is no point on challenging them on this issue as a) The bitch clearly won't listen and it would give her the satisfaction of knowing she is getting to us and b) His folks would either deny it or say they did it purely to see the kids. WE take the kids to see them all the time!!!

At least DH's brother has the sense to hate this a**hole!

ahh it is SO niceto VENT!!! Biggrin You gotta love this site. X

loonybonusmom's picture

It is amazing isn't it how the in laws seem to think they have a vote on our chldren! Upon until last summer, despite our differences we shared lots of family time with the sil. bio's skids, all of us doing dinners, xmas, summer holidays, etc. I do not like this women, or her attitudes but for my kids I will do anything if it means they are happy. So rewind to spring/06 problems with bm of ss(15) DH says ok, she is going to deny visits but wait till a month goes by and she will be calling to offload ss for the weekend. Did it work? No because the sil went behind our backs straight to bm-her close and personal friend and volunteers to take ss for weekends "if dad is going to leave him behind!" So tension in the family...ya to say the least. But we try to take the higher road, thank her for "bringing our son for long weekend family trip" (only b/c bm refused to meet us)and politely ask her to stay out of it until we can work things out. ff to August, when for 8 years we have had both ss's home for last two weeks of holidays. things with bm were a tiny bit better dh calls to make arrangements. response "you can have him for the first week but then you have to meet your sister b/c ss is going to your moms. DH has not spoken to mom in over four years!!! wtf!! well apparently mom is going through a hard time and wants to spend time with ss. Funny we haven't spoken for all these years but she has not miss a present to this kid!! So once again we ask that sil back off. Of course she doesn't and we get it from bm...don't knock your sister for caring about your son when you are just guilt for giving him the leftovers of your family!! Now the kicker, xmas holidays ss(7) comes home, (since the blow out of the summer sil now goes to x#2 to "have lunch with her nephew"...the two little ones here at home, no phone calls, emails NOTHING) so ss says "stepmom, I have lunch with auntie last saturday" "ya" "well there was a lady there that auntie says is my gramma, she tried to kiss me, but who is she?"
I blew my lid, I emailed the bitch and told her it is time to find a sperm donor, and get her own kid to mess with!! She is 37 no beau and no kids. Now I have one m.i.a ss, who thinks auntie and bm walk on water and believe all the bullshit they feed to him, another bm who gets to exercise her sole decision making powers by letting the aunt in...these to by the way hate eachother and auntie has had to be told many times about badmouthing the bm when ss is home! and three little kids who are confused why auntie is only visiting big ones and not little ones! Ya family loyality? Bullshit, I have always been a firm believe we are capable of making our own family, genetics means nothing if there is no more respect!!

tyra's picture

I have been there as well. The ex shows up Christmas morning without SD (we have her) at MIL's with a gift. She had an affair on my DH almost 5 years ago and it was a nasty divorce and no one could stand her. Now MIL tells me she still calls her "MOM" and the two fmailies (the ex's and DH) have become closer...all for the sake of SD. That I would understand had SD been there Christmas morning or if MIL was kissing her ass because she was giving her more time with SD on her time but that isn't happening.

That's okay...her best friend..the one she had an affiar with her husband...and I and the rest of the group of friends have all become friends. Smile when you stab them.

Run 4 the hills's picture

Just another one of their sick BM games. They use their own kids like pawns so why not include all of DH's family in that too? It means nothing to them but it makes them feel important and like they have control (which is afterall what this is ALL about)!

Thing is, you can't dictate to adults who they see! Just makes for very awkward family relations. It isn't like BM or her BF have to put up with it in HER family! Perhaps I should turn up onthe doorstep and invite myself in for dinner. On second thoughts, I might catch something. . .

tertwos's picture

MY sis in law in the middle of giving me a relax massage, tells me she is going to re establish someday relationship with BM. I told her none of my business, she can do what she wants. But selfish part of me than thinks are nieces not going to call me Aunty anymore, because then they will be spending time with first aunty, the ex. This made me think I will not even try to get any closer to my sis in law. I have done her favors, and now no more....I do feel that is a loyalty issue to me.

Daddysgirl's picture

Dh's ex is not only BEST FRIENDS with DH's sister (who is not really the type of person we would befriend anyways) she has befriended DH's BEST FRIEND. A guy, to whom she has nothing in common with OTHER than DH. Seriously.... wtf- She tries to be my "best friend". I can handle getting along with her to "co parent" but she has crossed the line in thinking we are "best friends" so I have put some much needed distance between the two of us. She only wants to know what we are doing and what goes on in our house. BLAH-
She used to call DH's mom DAILY when they first split up. She put up with it because she knew that BM was hurting over the divorce and she is still her Grandson's mother. My mother in law finally put her foot down and told her that she was not longer a part of that family, so stop trying because all she ever did was ask questions about DH and I.. this was WELL after DH and I started dating. She is strange. GIVE IT UP ALREADY.
After DH's grandmother passed away last year... several years after their divorce has been final... we were cleaning out her apartment and noticed she had 2 copies of some of the pictures we had sent her of SS... turned out BM was sending them to her- Like DH has no common sense to send his OWN grandma pictures of her ONLY Great Grandbaby.... ummmmmm, I think BM is the only one that lacks common sense here.

Run 4 the hills's picture

Arrrrahhghghgh. F the lot of you!!!!!

But yet we will smile sweetly and entertain our DH's family for the better good of all. . . . *sigh*

loonybonusmom's picture

These bm's and in laws are playing games with our kids and our lives, maybe we should all buy board games for them for christmas and give them something to do...clue...the x was killed in the kitchen with ...??? sorry but atleast here we can poke a little fun for relief. In our case, I stopped trying to understand last thanksgiving when I found out from dh's grandmother (we keep in touch because she is the only honest one in the bunch) that during Thanksgiving Dinner at mil's we were the appetizer topic on our lives the way we live and the choices we have made, and to top it off she told us how mil has pictures of all our kids (the only grandkids she has) on the living room wall all current photos, and of course my dh's wedding photo with the x from 12+ years ago! I couldn't believe a woman who has not contacted us in years has the gall to speak about us, brag about the kids who wouldn't know her if she knocked on our door, and where do the photos and info come from? The interfering sil, a childless yuppie be otch who I trusted with my children. Family loyalty left the building that day, and I blew the entrance way to trusting or respecting these people ever again. We cannot control who adults choose to spend their time with but we can control who we spend our time with.

Run 4 the hills's picture

Hey Loonie, let's work on that board game, maybe make it interactive heh heh }:)

Think the weapon of choice would be a red hot poker Smile

That's gotta hurt!!

Run 4 the hills's picture

Between trying to tune out the ex interference with the family and forgiving them their ignorance and just keeping the hell out!

I think I swing between the 2 all the time. At the moment I'm pissed that they cooked dinner for the bitch only last week!! Should have POISONED it I say LOL Biggrin

Don't spose anyone has actually found a solution for this situation?? (That doesn't involve disposing permanently of the ex!!!)

How can they show loyalty to her (who they claim to dislike) and not to their own flesh and blood? I do NOT get it! Please explain I must be dense. . . .

loonybonusmom's picture

definition of insecure: not secure, not safe, or not dependable, given to constant anxiety.

hmmmm....I am sure we all feel secure, we feel safe with our own relationships with our men, and we know that we can depend on them.
Not to mention our children are secure, safe with us and know (maybe deep down) that they can depend on us.

given to anxiety......only when we are faced with the bullshit from the x's

NOW WHO IS IT THAT IS INSECURE GIRLS???????

Run 4 the hills's picture

I'm secure in the fact I can count on her constant BS! LOL!

Donna S's picture

His only family are his brother and sister who both live on the other side of the country. As I mentioned before, the BM does not like his family. Although that didn't stop her from trying to insert herself into his family again by sending her picture. Luckily my bil is also in the middle of a nasty divorce and has no good feelings for his ex-sil. He just put up the picture so my SD's would see it when we visited and feel a part of things I guess.
Last week BM's sister lost her mil. BM was all about how sad, we have to pull together for BM's bil who lost his mom. waaaah waaah - phony crap really.
My DH reminded me how when his mother died (BM's very own mil at the time) - BM could not be bothered to attend the funeral with her husband. Instead she let him fly there on his own to mourn with his family. She did not send condolences to his brother and sister. In fact, while her husband at the time (my DH) was at the funeral, she had a party at the house (with her young children asleep in bed) and ended up having several male "friends" sleep over.
Yet she thinks somehow he was the bad husband and she is the perfect example of a well-mannered lady. Whatever!

But

Daddysgirl's picture

DH's DAD, who claims to have HATED BM the entire time DH and she were married... recently asked DH via EMAIL and this is his Dad talking "Have you talked to the bitch lately (BM's name inserted here)?"
Being that we had a bit of a frustration with her just that day, DH took the opportunity to have verbal diarrea to his OWN FATHER via email regarding her recent antics and how much he dispised her...
Several days later DH emailed his Dad pictures of the kids much his our surprise, he replies with- "Oh I already got these pictures (we share them with BM) from BM, but thanks anyways"
WTF??? DH replies with, "I didn't realize you two emailed each other"... Dad said not ONE MORE WORD, instead, he forwarded the email from DH, yeah the one where he had verbal diarrea about what an idiot BM is... forwarded it TO BM... next thing I know MY cell phone is ringing (on my birthday nonetheless) to hear HER screaming at me about the things DH had to say to HIS OWN FATHER...

I think it is a matter of respect on OUR familes parts- We should have the freedom to vent, scream, yell SAY whatever (good bad or indifferent, even if WE are wrong, that is why it is called venting) we want to OUR families (so long as the kids are not in earshot of the conversation) WITHOUT the fear that it will get back to BM- Needless to say DH's relationship with his FATHER has been nothing short of stressed since then. I think this man just has some serious mental issues though. An exceptional asshole in my opinion!

So what about this board game???? Who killed BM in the Parlor with a SPOON???? (Long and painful)

sadgirl's picture

I totally related to when you said your DH says, ...but she's a good person." and the feeling of being invalidated. I learned early on that if I did or said anything even slightly that could be taken negative about my DH's ex - he totally defended her even though according to him "SHe is a mean, wicked, manipulative, nasty woman I would never speak to again if not for my son." I am not the type of person who talks bad about anyone...I'm not saying I am an angel, I just refrain - so early on if I said something like, "It seems like she is making you responsible for every trouble in her life" he would immediately defend her and start on about how they met in their teens, how actually, her life is hard..." HARD MY BUTT. The worst one was when he said to me, "You don't know her" basically letting me know he thinks all her crazy meanness is justified in some way but it's their little secret I guess. She works basically when she wants to, she lives in a HUGE house (paid for by my DH years before he and I met) and gets to intrude herself into our marriage at every chance because "he's the father of my child." She feels this gives her the right to call him anytime for anything AND unfortunately, he goes running. I know he doesn't want her as far as getting back together ever - but the attachment is insane AND the antics have worked. If she finds out we've done anything together she starts on him "you never took me so and so place" "you never bought me such and such" SO GUESS WHAT - after a comment like that from her - WE NEVER GO AGAIN. A comment from her is all that is needed to stunt whatever path we were going down or whatever action we were going to take. He claims it really doesn't effect him. I know different. I live different. My question to fearless, what do you think men get out of allowing these ex's to rule their world. In my opinion, it's ego, it's guilt, and it's more ego. It also in my case allows him to keep distant from me - the woman he says he loves completely never felt this way about anyone in his life. Just wondering what you thought.

Persephone's picture

along with ego. Guilt because their kids do not have 'the' traditonal family;fear because men are still struggling to be recongnized as capable single parents and society still assumes it is the women and are afraid they will lose time with the kids; Ego.. they do not like to be told what they are doing wrong.. letting the lesser qualified parent run their lives, use the kids as leverage to get what they want. Or let kids run the house in fear of being the bad guy and the kids won't want to come over anymore. So then we are stuck with two parents that are competing to be the kids best friend in order to outshine and be the favored parent.

Run 4 the hills's picture

It beats me how a lot of parents, brothers, sisters etc. can blatantly LIE to their own flesh a blood to maintain contact with people that they know FULL WELL mean their own flesh and blood harm.

Personally, I couldn't do that because I have too much integrity.

I would understand if the exes in these situtions weren't just using these muppets to play their own game. They don't seem to realise when they are being played and it is being dressed up as actual friendship by the evil ex. I had to point out to our delightful ex only last week that DH's sister (who she thinks is her friend) was 2 faced enough to slag off the ex to us. Personally I think a family member like that is no loss to me or the DH! They're welcome to each other.

What is beyond me is that his parents will choose to associate with someone who has done all those things to their son. What does that say about them?

It is all sick. Poor DH has a family of liars who lack integrity Sad As if he hasn't lost enough already. Funny how his parents don't get THAT!

Anne 8102's picture

As in they've done it this way for so long, why change now? It's just easier to keep things the same. Changing would be too much work. And so on and so forth. I think men are more likely to rock the boat with us because they feel secure and safe. They feel less likely to rock the boat with her because she holds the strings to the kids.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Run 4 the hills's picture

There is a lot of fear on the part of the DH where he is held in a powerful grip by the BM because her wrath could rob HIM of HIS kids.

It's a sick game, which DH's tend to believe, but we are wise enough to know that the BM's love the DH's to see the kids so they get a break! As if the majority of BM's would REALLY withhold the kids from their fathers. The BM's would miss all those weekends away, shopping trips etc! Biggrin