Awkward moments
Wellll, I just had the experience of SD13 hearing her father and I having sex. He had a text message immediately afterwards and she was asking to go to her mom's because "she doesn't know what we are doing up here". The truth? Having sex. What he said "watching videos and playing with the dogs". I'm cracking up in a way, because I did't think it was a good idea to be honest at this time and that story was a reach. (HCBM, manipulative SD who plays parents against each other ). I'm also sad because things have been better recently, I haven't felt like she hates me in a while, and now she will likely go back to that. I'm a little embarrassed, for the obvious reasons. I also kind of feel like, sex is normal and I shouldn't feel ashamed for it when it was consensual. I also absolutely don't want to feel like she controls this narrative moving forward. She controls most narratives in this house as it is. We are usually very careful about being quiet, she's on her Xbox with headphones- downstairs, and it hasn't been an issue. Until today. I think she must have gotten off her game and we assumed she would stay on it. Dad went downstairs to try to make things feel normal. We both know she isn't stupid. I don't know what the best thing is right now. My gut says to just leave it alone and she will move on from it. I'm not going to let it take up much space in my mind. She goes back to her mom's tomorrow, so she will get space. I know he is afraid she will tell her mom and then it will give HCBM fuel. He's embarrassed, and I can completely understand that. He's dad. I'm curious what other's think, what other's experiences were with this. I wished I knew what to tell dad to help him feel better.
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She knows good and well what
She knows good and well what was going on. A normal person would have pretended that they didn't hear a thing. I'd just leave it alone, don't say a word, and try not to think about it. If I had heard my dad and stepmom I would've been embarrassed and wouldn't have said a word to either of them. Same if it had been him and my mom when they were still married. Also, it's not any of SD's or BM's business what was going on. You weren't doing it in front of her, you were in your room with the door closed, and you thought she was otherwise occupied and wouldn't know the difference anyway. You weren't doing anything illegal and you weren't harming her in any way, so therefore they both need to mind their business. If they mind their own business then they won't have time to be minding yours.
Thanks. I agree with all of
Thanks. I agree with all of this. It wasn't like we were hanging from the celing and yelling lol, being heard was an accident and generally we dont even go there when she is here. I've alwasy been paranoid about it, but we also got comfortable with the xbox headphones being a barrier. I won't be losing sleep over it, I just feel bad for dad because I know he still feels guilty.
"Because I know he still
"Because I know he still feels guilty."
YEP, this was SDs goal and she accomplished it. Red flag of manipulative behavior. Will probably only get worse as she gets older.
That't the unfortunate truth.
That't the unfortunate truth. I hope you're wrong, but I'm sure you're correct. I see right through it, but it's hard to get dad to see it.
TBH.. as my SD's were older..
TBH.. as my SD's were older.. and we lived in a fairly small home.. visitation time was a bit less active... to avoid potential embarassment on both sides. That being said.. it's not abnormal for "that" to happen in a committed relationship. While I'm sure that you all wished it had gone unnoticed.. it probably made her just as uncomfortable.. and for what it's worth.. most teens would cringe to realize.. at this point.. not much can be done but move on.. and try to be stealthier in the future.. lol.
There is nothing to be
There is nothing to be embarassed of. You are in a committed relationship and that's what adults do. She is 13, and believe me, knows what s3x is.
Asking to go back to BMs after is just SD being manipulative IMO. She is trying to make DH feel guilty by "threatening" to leave. Any normal kid would say "ew" to themselves and go away to do something else. What did DH after SD asked to leave?
I agree with the manipulation
I agree with the manipulation. She has done that before and does it on both sides. The problem is, in my opinion, is that she was allowed to call the shots the first year or so we were together. She would want to go to mom's if she didn't get what she wanted- and would be allowed to go. On the other side - she will call dad to pick her up when mom stays out late drinking, because she doesn't want to be home alone and around drunk mom. I admit, I support that one. In general though, I don't think she should be allowed to go switch when she wants. Dad answered her texts and then went downstairs to check on her. She called her mom, but he doesn't know what was said. He then stayed downstairs for a while, watched some tv but she chose to go shower and get ready for bed. I stayed in bed, as I would have anyways. I don't plan to talk about it at all. She had a bit of an attitude this morning and we just went on as normal. She did talk to me on the way into school, which I took to be positive (I work at the school she attends, so we go in together).
I know he's probably still thinking about it, I'm hoping it doesn't impact our relationship (me and dad). I think she will get over it fairly quickly when something new comes up. And let's be honest, she knew we were trying to have a baby last year. So that does support the idea of just wanting to control the narrative and trying to make dad feel bad is her MO.
I agree with them, I'm really
I agree with them, I'm really surprised she would bring it up especially to her dad. she's just using this situation as leverage to get her way or possibly get attention. It's not a big deal & It's definitely none of her business. I would continue on with life and not engage on that subject again.
Thanks. I'm happy to hear
Thanks. I'm happy to hear several people don't think it's a big deal. I think the biggest factor is how she uses her parents against eachother, and how BM will also use anythign she can to drive a wedge, especially if it makes me more of a bad guy. I think it will actually be quite brazen of her to go tattle to her mom, but she does that. She also would bring things up in family therapy, but it was (according to dad) only things that he did that upset her. She wouldn't discuss thigns about BM, but would tell dad directly about it. This made him feel like he was taking the brunt of everything, and in some ways I think the therapist saw that, but in someways I"m not so sure. I hated watching that, how he felt like shit over and over while mom did no wrong, even though that wasn't the truth. I actually keep my own notes on things, because I feel like someone needs to. So all of this makes him feel like he can't upset her, and he fears she will decide she doesn't want to live here 50%, and BM will jump on any opportunity to change that (at least in my opinon). It sucks. I don't agree, but I also try to understand how he feels.
Annnyways. Thanks for listening hahaha. It's alwasy something.
If BM or SD ever tries to use
If BM or SD ever tries to use the subject against either of you, I suggest you tell her that if she didn't have her ear glued to your door she wouldn't hear anything out of the ordinary. I don't care if she wasn't sitting outside listening, she happened to hear a very normal sound, no need to make a big deal out of it.IOW, if she blows things out of proportion it's, as Rags would say, game on.
No! She does not get to run home to mommy when she wants to.
As for her issues with adults having sex. Meh. Who cares. I say let your get your freak on flag fly. it is your home, you were in private in your marital bedroom. You were not exposing SD-13 to anything inappropriate.
I cannot even count the number of times I walked in on my parents as a child, teen, and even an adult on family vacations. There were no locked doors in our family home. However, closed doors were supposed to be inviolate without knocking first. But, kids will be kids and barge through doors upon occasion.
The first time I remember definitively I was about 6yo. The last time, i was in my late 20s and mom, dad, my brother, and I were on a family cross country road trip. Dad is cheap and rented single hotel rooms unless there were 2 room suites available. Of course if it was a 2 queen bed room mom and dad were not getting frisky. That night was a 2 room suite rustic hotel night. The bathroom was in the main room which is where mom and dad were sleeping. I got up for a pit stop in the middle of the night, and .... I did not disturb them, I don't think they even realized I had opened the door of the room my brother and I were sharing.
I would not either hide nor highlight this event though I don't think if I were your DH that I would have lied about it either
No, you are not going to your mothers. This is my time. What we were doing in our bedroom is none of your business. However, adults have sex and there is nothing wrong with that. So, suck it up buttercup. You can go to mommies when my time is done.
Kids need to understand how this dynamic is. In a healthy way. Kids in intact marriage families as well as CODs in blended families.
IMHO of course.