You don't need to carry the emotional burden for him or be his meat shield. I think it is perfectly reasonable for you to refrain from playing therapist for your husband to dump the weight of his visits on. He can get an actual therapist to help him work it out.

My SD's also exclude me. I have gotten to the point where I realize that they are actually doing me a huge favor. They are not the type of people I want to have a connection with.

It's too bad that you've entangled yourself so much because now it will be more obvious that you are withdrawing. When I disengaged I didn't make a big thing about it. I just quietly stopped bringing them up, stopped asking questions about my step-diablas and stopped engaging when DH talks about them. When DH brings them up with friends or family I casually walk away. I don't want to be involved. I know I don't like them (for very good reasons) and I have accepted that fact without judgement of myself. They are horrible but if other people find them interesting then they are free to have a relationship with them.

Oh, and as far as "SD is changing" and "we had such a great time together." Let it go!

My DH will cling to every crumb as if he has been given an iced cake. Most of the time they are miserable to be around. He knows that, I. know that. 

He has a fantasy that everything will turn out happily ever after. That's his fantasy, not mine. I see the reality. I let him live with his feelings about it. He has a right to his own dreams. There is no need to take it on as your own nor to contront him on it. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

If he does have a nice time with them then I am geniunely happy for him. I don't want to be a part of it but I'm glad he has moments with his daughters that aren't horrible.

I came back to say that using his vacation days is bonkers. He should be seeing them on the weekends. He is a grown man though so if he wants to waste his vacation days that's up to him. If I were you I would take a 2 week trip to a dream destination without him.

IMHO.. I am ok with him making the trip... AS LONG as it is not preventing you from doing things as a couple.  Are you unable to take vacations because he has burned all his vacation on his monthly visits?  Then THAT is the hill to die on part.  

"I don't mind if you go see your daughter and granddaughter, but when you end up using all your vacation time, that impacts both of us... You need to figure out how to use less vacation days visiting.. no more than 5 a year seems resonable"  

Of course, that will likely mean trips on weekends.. so is his absence more or less obvious to you or impactful to you on a weekday vs a weekend?  You can decide which is preferrable... and work with him to make things fit for you as a couple better.

Second.. I will say that when you didn't call.. didn't talk through the free time on the trip.. that seemed to actually give you and him less stress.  I don't think it's necessarily reasonable to tell him he can't go..(barring financial strain issues.. time off issues) but you can save yourself the blow by blow.

I am not sure you will ever get the utopia result that you might want.. which I guess would be one of two things.. she welcomed you and accepted you.. or he ceased vists to her.

and...I'm actually one of those people that feel as adults..we can choose who we spend time with.. and honestly given the history...the less present this woman is in your life.. the better off you are.

Could he insist she include you? sure.. he can't make her like you.. and in the end.. why do we want to waste our time on people that couldn't care less for us?

So, demanding he not see his daughter unless you are included? I don't know if that's a "nuclear option" you would want to ask for.  If he does not see his daughter.. the resentment and blame you would likely get from him and others would probably cause more heartache than the current exclusion 1/30th of the month.

So, my advice would be to do what you did last time.. disengage from the situation.. and if he mentions it went well.. "that's nice dear".. and you plan things on that day for you and your other kids.. it's not like you have nothing else in your life right?

I mean.. do you do things without your husband ever.. with your kids.. with other relatives?  perhaps not for the same underlying reason.... but few couples spend 100% of their non-work hours side by side.  

Again, if this is causing financial strain.. causing limits on taking vacations.. by all means approach those issues.. but just seeing his adult daughter without you.. once a month.. is not particularly excessive imho.

I don't think you are being unreasonable, at all. Why would you want to hear about thngs that you are purposely excluded from? Or hear about the person who is excluding you?

If he needs someone to talk to while he's on the road, he can call his daughter.

He is giving her his blessing to exclude you and that is hurtful. Also, she is completely disrespecting him, and his time, but I guess he's okay with that. Kind of pathetic, really.

If you are to be excluded from this part of  his life, you should be completely excluded and not have to hear about it or be any part of it. He wants it both ways, whatever is convenient for him.

Unless he is running out of vacation days if you go on a trip together, then I wouldn't care. Even if I were invited by SD, I would not go. Why would I want to babysit and do a favor for SD?

It IS unreasonable for your DH to expect you to talk on the phone for hours for a trip HE is choosing to take time & time again. He can listen to a podcast. Also, don't respond to any texts/pictures he is sending of his trip. If it meant that much to see, then SD would be sending the pics. Change the subject when DH brings up the trip. "What time will you be back? Want to go out to eat when you return?" etc. etc. Hopefully he will get the hint. 

Ok, first off, he's only driving for THREE hours. He's a big boy and doesn't need you to hold his hand. 

Secondly, your best defence is telling him that being on the phone causes distracted driving and that's when accidents happen. If he protests, point out that a Canadian survey noted that the risk of accidents is the same whether you have the phone in your hands or on speaker. It's a question of attention. Even if he doesn't agree, you can still refuse because "you could never forgive yourself if ..."

"I hope you have a good trip." You are acknowledging his trip yet not inviting any more conversation about it.  If he presses just tell him, you have discussed your feelings on this ad nauseum and won't be explaining anymore.  He is entitled to see his daughter and granddaughter and you are entitled to your peace of not having to discuss it. 

He wants to see his DD and GD  in the middle of  the week.  I would make excuses not to talk with him for 6 hours of the trip.  '''Dishwasher is done haste to go''. ''Some on is texting....have to call them''.  If you want to go on a trip and need more vacation that on him to figure out 

It would be rude for a friend to send you pictures and talk to you excitedly about an event she was invited to but you weren't. How is this different? Look at all the good food you missed! Look at the fine time we're having but you're not!

My DH and SD would spend hours playing the "remember when, Daddy" game. DH said that was her way of sharing her life stories with me so I could get to know her. Total nonsense. Excuses and justifications for exclusion. I stopped playing the game.

Even if your DH is trying to be nice by thinking he's including you this way, the fact that it hurts you should be enough for him to stop. Telling you how you should and shouldn't feel is not loving.  It would be SO much easier if you pretended everything was fine--easier for HIM. Sounds like he cares more about himself than about you.

I would insist on counseling. Because that is not right. He should never exclude you like that. Can you imagine ever treating him that way? My guess is No, you wouldn't. I would definitely tell him counseling is a must. DH definitely has his priorities mixed up. 7 years is too long for that to be going on :/

he says HE is hurt that I don't want to talk to him and ask him about them.....

Oh, HE is hurt? Poor baby. He really needs to think about that statement.

He is being completly selfish but I guess that's where his daughter gets it.

I would just stop taking his calls when he takes these trips. Again, if you are to be excluded, then you need to be completely excluded and left to do your own thing, peacefully, while he is gone. The era of him having it both ways is over. If he wants to make these trips without you, then they need to be WITHOUT you. You will no longer be his backup entertainment while he's driving to see someone who disrespects you so. He is disrespecting you, also, and is expecting too much.

Why would you care to hear about somenone who wants nothing to do with you? Why would you inquire about them? Because she is important to him? Well, you are important to him, yet, his daughter wants nothing to do with you, so....

Stick to your guns. Tell him you are no longer willing to be his company on these trips, while not being able to actually accompany him. It's really not fair to you.

I understand that he wants to be in his daughter's life but he needs to think about the terms that she is demanding and the price of those terms. If he is willing to pay that price, fine, but you should not have to. You should not have hear about that part of his life (if you don't want to) and you should not have to use your time to talk to him on those drives. He needs to be a big boy and deal with his choices. Frankly, his choice to live by his daughter's unreasonable terms is not attractive.

A man living two different lives rarely works out and that is what his daughter is asking him to do. Both relationships will be less than ideal if he continues to try to force you to hear about of his life with his daughter (who wants nothing to do with you), when you don't want to hear about it.

I read your other post and there doesn't seem to be a valid reason for his daughter to act this way. He really needs to take that into consideration and put his foot down with her.

You've gotten some great advice in the comments. I'll add my story/thoughts.

After 12 years of crap treatment (and a final straw), I disengaged completely from DHs kids. Went 6 years with zero contact. In counseling, we agreed with the therapist suggestion of DH seeing his kids away from our marital home. While not easy to start, it ended up being the greatest blessing to ME. In the early years, when DH left, we went zero contact until he returned home. We did not discuss his trip with his kids and really, never talked about them much at all any time. My stance was...we live split lives....DH had his life with me, our family, friends...and then DH had his life with his kids that I had (nor wanted) any part of. When he left, it was a nice break for me. Today, he calls me once a day and keeps me posted while traveling. Still....no kid discussions...mainly filling him in on my day.

Today, we've begun a bit of re-intergrating...on MY terms. Two of DHs kids have visited us with good outcomes. Still...there will be times when DH will travel to see them and I will not be going. They are welcome to step into my world...I refuse to step into theirs. We still don't discuss his kids much and I keep it "civil but superficial" when around any of DHs kids.

So, stand your ground...when he leaves to spend time with his daughter, he's leaving the world he shares with you and stepping into a world he lets his adult daughter control. He can be alone with his thoughts on those rides over and back. Be clear one more time and then just don't answer the phone. Also, strongly suggest counseling so he can wrap his stupid head around what YOU need to be accepting of this crap show. Counseling is what it took for my DH to finally "get it."

On those vacation days though....we had to deal with this...DH was using our entire budget to fly around the country to see his kids. I went two years without any traveling....something we planned to do in our retirement. I put my foot down and told him, the vacation budget is now split in half. You get yours...I get mine. You can spend all your money on visiting your toxic kids and I'll spend my share traveling with my friends. Guess what? He's now minimized all that travel to see his kids to now enjoying our retirement again with fun travels. 

Counseling and standing firm on your boundaries. Those are key. Best to you.

It looks like you have a lot of GREAT replies with wisdom and experience in them. 

I, too, am the not-grandma. There are a lot of us, hiding in plain sight. I walk along a river to meditate and come to terms with the issues of my stephell. I have walked so many hours, so many miles, so many buckets of frustrated tears. 

I decided that I was going to claw back my own joy, no matter the loneliness and pain. It was really hard to make choices for my own betterment, when he was going to see that baby, or hanging out with those hyena offspring of his. We, too, have a three hour buffer of a drive. 

I find that I am still as isolated and lonely, internally. But!! I have carefully built a structure of coping tools, activities to distract, and established a solid time to journal. I sometimes feel deep mourning at the growing distance between my husband and I. But I have turned a corner in that I don't feel left out, rather, I pity him for wasting his heart and time on those jerks when all the peace and belonging he wants could be found with me. 

As I tell my young adult sons, and my own aging self, and I offer to you: it doesnt get easier; you just get stronger. 

Sneakily: how about calling him during his drive, and making sure you are out and about and have your phone "die". Structure your environment so he just doesnt have that easy dial and dump on you. 

Disfunctionally: drink more wine on the DL? Rip a fine green bowl?

Therapeutically: get a walking group, tai chi in the park, go to the library for knitting hour.

Volume control: get engrossed in a really smutty/low brow/ idiotic book and zone out COMPLETELY in that world when he gets too aggressive with his verbal spewing. Works good for when the news in on repeat and a mister is spinning from media rage.

I hope you can pick up your "eyes" far enough to see that we not-grammas are here surrounding you, holding your heart in our care, and we are legion. You are not alone, friend. It's not right. And you have all the steel and brilliance to navigate this.