I just never learn
We did another family trip. Big mistake. It was for sd's provincials. Which means her mother went too. Not with us, LOL but close enough to interfere. She took sds lunch bag without telling anyone. So I got mad at sd for losing her lunch bag. (She loses stuff a lot, so this wasn't totally out there) then she was looking for her sneakers (which we refer to as her mother's because the woman is neurotic about anything she buys) so I spent time looking for them only to find out that BM took them as well. Without telling anyone. So I wasted my time and got mad at sd for nothing. Great start to our weekend. Then sd wanted to stay with a friend, which was fine. Except her friend was starting with BM. So whatever, I'll let that go. Day 2, sd wants to go to lunch with same friend. DH says we can all go. But guess who else is going? Yep. Biomom. Like do he not realize how much I can't stand her? Obviously not. So I ask him to take me home so I don't have to be with her. And he says fake it until you make it, do it for sd, this is her trip just play nice. Ok, but we gave up our night with sd so she can be with her friend, why do we have to eat with her. (Again no big deal if bm wasn't going to be there) so I did make a big deal about going. He turns the car around and tells sd we aren't going to lunch with your friend now. Then he starts to berate me on how he puts up with crap from my family all the time (he do) but we rely on my mom to Babysit so we put up with it. So why can I put up with bm? I tell him to pull over cause I can't stay in the car getting yelled at. He don't stop. So I jump out at a stop sign. I walk to our place for the weekend. And he starts yelling again. And sd starts crying because he told her I don't like her mom. So I get mad and say I'm leaving. By now , my 6 year old is upset cause mommy is leaving and she don't want to have to share her time. In the end, we all took our breathers and he apologized. But he expected me to apologize as well so I did. But I'm not sure why. The worst thing is (yes I know it's all worst) is that now my sd knows I'm the bad guy. And she knows i don't like her mom. So our relationship is destroyed. I don't know what I can do to fix it. And I don't even know if I want to fix my marriage.
I do know that I don't want to leave my kids. Even half time.
Thanks for reading.
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TBH.. I personally would have
TBH.. I personally would have stayed home.. this was a trip for SD and her parents.. if you did go, I would probably considered it a "win" to be freed up when she wanted to be with friends... and done something fun with your DH. I would def skip the lunch with BM.. but if you somehow got roped into it.. I might have just gritted my teeth through it.. sat at far end of table etc.. before I basically had a fight with my DH in front of kid.. but that's just me.. the wrath can be unleashed later..lol.
I know you do a lot for SD.. but it does sound like BM is also fairly involved.. and it probably will be easiest for you to just let the two of them deal when they are both present (or one or the other).. you are kind of getting caught in the crossfire.
That's fair
That's fair enough. But it was our weekend with sd. We didn't even know bm was going until last minute. And I have been willing to sit through a lot over the past 10 years, but she recently called my workplace to place a complaint (that went nowhere cause it wasn't anything at all) and hubby decided that that was enough bullshit from her so we ended up splitting sd birthday so we wouldn't have to sit through lunch with bm. It's OK for him to decide but not me? I just felt like I was trapped. And when I tried to escape, he decided to tell sd I didn't like her mom. Thanks.
You can set your own
You can set your own boundaries.. but sometimes when we do there may be fallout.. and it's up to us to decide whether that moment is the best time to play our card so to speak.
No, you shouldn't have to go eat with BM.. but that is something best figured out before everyone was together in the car..
But, I would fault your husband for throwing you under the bus.. I mean.. sure he was likely frustrated at the situation too.. but making you the scapegoat and saying you dislike her mother was probably not very fair of him.. and I would ask him how he thinks it will be for you and your SD to get along after THAT big revelation.. that didn't he get that could be hurtful?
But, if the cat's out of the bag, sometimes we have to own it. Well, SD.. I am not saying I hate your mother, but I'm sure that you wouldn't want to go have to sit through a lunch with your boyfriend's Ex Girlfriend.. or with someone that has caused you problems..
Idk, this is sort of a worse
Idk, this is sort of a worse version of one parent showing up to games on the other parent's time. Idk what "provincials" are but i'm guessing it's some kind of extracurricular. On Dad's weekend. Dad and SM make a plan, then BM decides at the last minute to go.
IMO it was Dad's job to set boundaries surrounding BM's involvement. He failed to do so, expected SM to spend what she thought would be a skid weekend, at least in part, with BM. Then when SM gets upset, he "loud caps" her to the skid, telling the skid that "Stepmom just hates Mommy, that's why she's mad!"
No ownership by the common denominator (Dad.) Pits SM/BM/SD against each other then acts like a victim.
ETA BM could have either told Dad she was going ahead of time in order to adjust plans, or gone and watched from the sidelines (assuming it was some kind of game.) But BM doesn't owe OP anything. Her DH does.
I think I may have been
I think I may have been thinking this was something like touring a college? I don't know why.. but now looking back at her other posts.. I think the girl is involved heavily in Hockey.. so I am guessing this was something along the lines of a tournament away from home.
You are right in that it was DAD who should have been setting limits.. but I think some of the issue is muddied up because it sounds like BM may be friends with parents and was actually staying with the other family...
So, DH gives permission for his daughter to go stay with her friend.... but that is the same as staying with mom because mom is with the friend at that location.
I can see on the fencline.. would he normally let his daughter go stay with friends at an away tournament? Should that change because his EX is there?
Since it seems to be some tournament.. it also feels like that does rise to the point where the other parent could attend without overstepping.. but the complication comes in when the daughter's friend's family is staying and hanging with BM..
In this case.. I think it's the kid who is wanting to hang out with her friend.. and there hasn't been good understanding on the adult's part as to whether BM would be there for a "joint" meal...
I do think dad could have pushed his daughter to spend more time with him.. without BM.. and I do think that throwing OP under the bus with the "she doesn't like your mom" comment was poor form too. It doesn't sound like BM was trying to sit with them AT the game.. and it was due to the joint friend that this situation was teed up. Again.. dad was remiss for not finding out what the real deal was on lunch before they were en route.. that way he could have made a different choice.. or SM could have more gracefully bowed out of the meal.
If dad actually enforced his right to his time this would
not be an issue.
Sorry kid, this is my time. I want you with me. If dad decides that he, his DD, and his wife are goiing to a meal with DD's friend and that friends family, then dad can tell the restaurant host(ess) that BM is not part of the party.
That of course might go over like a turd in a punch bowl with BM, and maybe the other parents. But, boundaries.
Definitely a ball-less and idiot move by the DH.
I am completely onboard the "Well, SD. I am not saying I hate your mother, but I'm sure that you wouldn't want to go have to sit through a lunch with your boyfriend's Ex Girlfriend.. or with someone that has caused you problems." So much so that I would directly point out to SD that mommy stole her lunch and her shoes. highlighting that there will be no sharing of time between her father's visitation rights, and her mother's.
Mommy and daddy divorced for a reason. Kids can and should know the why.
Addressing toxic mommy is not hating toxic mommy. SM can make that very clear to SD. Though I would have grabbed DH by the short and curlies and dragged his ass around banging his head on every obstacle near by if I was the SM he threw under the buss. Metaphorically of course.
I am sure there would be the inevitable back lash of "Maybe she just was absent minded, it was a mistake and she didn't "steal", blah, blah, blah."
Which anyone who has experienced a noxious manipulative blended family opposition knows is complete delusion on the part of those trying to deflect backlash away from the toxic and manipulative.
I am all in on give the kids the full frontal facts in an age appropriate manner. There is no other way to prepare a kid who is the victim of a crap parent to protect themselves both as they grow up, and as they progress as adults. These types never stop. They never give in. Until their own kid bares their ass and calls them on their bullshit.
IMHO of course.
Staying for the kids is second to breeding to fix a marriage
as a poor decision.
This guy is a jack ass. His choice and tolerance of his initial breeding partner is proof of this. BM stole the shoes and the lunch. Not you. Rub his nose in that crap and since he decided to undermine your relationship with his failed family spawn, introduce her to the facts regarding manipulative thieving mommy as well.
I get that your 6yo is upset by it all. However, it is better to limit her exposure to her idiot father and his Klingon failed initial family baggage to 50% of the time than to keep her and yourself wallowing full time in his shallow and polluted gene pool bullshit.
Save yourself. Give your 6yo a chance at quality future. Do not sacrifice her or yourself to delusions of a fake family of quality that does not in reality exist.
I would say, move, out of province. File for divorce from a different province, and force a long distance visitation schedule on your hopefully STBXH. This was the foundation of our high quality outcome blended family experience.
My DW left the state of SpermLand for University in another state with a 1yo on her hip. That is were we met when my SS was 15mos old. We married a few days before he turned 2yo. After some legal wrangling to counter a custody suit by the Spermidiot's family, the CO was modified upholding full physical and legal custody for my DW and formalizing long distance visitation for the SpermClan. Visitation that they took only intermittently. Over the 16yrs of the revised CO there were several periods of a year or more where the SpermIdiot and the SpermClan refused all visitation. So, my SS's real life was stable. He was raised in a stable marriage by a couple who prioritized their marriage and their family while raising, as their primary responsibility, a little boy to a grown man of honor, character, and standing in his adult life, in his profession, and in his community.
He was not forced into the presence of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool full time due to his mom not wanting to be away from him for a visitation schedule, or for her thinking that tolerating toxicity in a mate is in the best interest of a child.
Don't do that.
You owe yourself and your child to live your best life.
Dump this dumb ass.
Take care of you.
YES
THIS.
I would never could do this.
Why tell SD you are going someplace ? And where you are going. ? If you have to tell BM. There would be a text to BM as my car was leaving. I could personally never go to lunch with the X.'I If DH doesn't object and wants to play'''' Happy Family'''with the X. he won't get adult entertainment for a month.
This is something your DH must solve, and his life will not be that great until he gets his priorities right in the proper order.
You don't want to leave. But DH doesn't know that. Ask him if he wants a second fail marriage. Another X . More CS. a little bluffing goes a long way. He was burned once already.u
Thanks
Thank you all for reading. It was an out of town hockey tournament. Bm stayed with sds friends family. We didn't sit together at the rink but we ended up in the same group a few times. She even told me one of daughters was more lovable than the other. I didn't bite cause I don't usually. Plans were made for lunch without me but they did include bm. I should have been able to get along for a meal I guess.
Unfortunately, as an update, my jumping out of the car before it completely stopped is a big no. Sd told bm all about the argument and the jumping out of thy car. So she is now refusing to come up to our house bc she don't feel safe. And she went to a counselor who agreed that she shouldn't go anywhere she don't feel safe. Game over, they win. My hubby is devastated. And I feel like I've lost Everything as I know it. Everyone would be better if I left.
"And I feel like I've lost
"And I feel like I've lost Everything as I know it."
Have you, though? Maybe you will have some peace in your home for a while.
"Everyone would be better if I left."
Don't beat yourself up over your reaction during a situation where you were set up to fail. Sure, exiting a moving car is a "no-no." But it wasn't the only "no-no" made that weekend. Stop worrying about how much better or worse "everyone" is. Start worrying about YOU. Someone needs to.
And yet another useless idiot pseudo science moron therapist
overstepping.
The therapist has no authority. File a contempt motion against BM each and every time that BM fails to surrender the SKid per the COd visitation schedule. Visitation is a parental right and is only controlled by the court, and the parent whose right it is.
Time for ball-less daddy to beat the ever loving shit out of BM with a rolled up copy of the CO in court and to never stop until BM knocks her shit off and the SKid ages out from under the CO. At which time daddy needs to give the spawn clarity that never again will she be tolerated to be anything but a respectful calm presence in his life. Her choice, reasonable, respectful, and calm, or gone. No middle ground.
I would also consider a life long law suit campaign against BM for her manipulative crap. Not likely to get much traction but keeping BM on the edge of a stroke every time she checks the mail with the likelihood of a letter from a lawyer is due consequence for her crap.
I would also sue the therapist for malpractice and go for their license. Never stop until you destroy that therapists practice and do everything necessary to protect the world from that therapists idiocy.
Grrrrrrr.
Don't play the fee fee games. Play the full frontal in everyone's face fact strategy and bare ass on anyone that tries to deflect from reality with the fee fee bullshit.
You are truly the only one in this entire situation that brings value to everyone else in it. To extrapolate your final comment above. No, you are the only one that will be better if you leave. They will all just double down on wallowing in their noxious shallow and polluted gene pool.
If you go, go with your head up, proudly, and relish in living your best life while they splash around in their turd filled simmering effluent lives. Never forget that we each owe ourselves to live our best life. Also relish in the fact that living well is also the best revenge. If you stay, then go full fact ass baring in their faces on each and every deviation they make from reasonable.
Take care of you. Live well, and prosper.
But we don’t know what the therapist actually said…
People say things like: "my therapist thinks you're an a$$hole and that I should break up with you!", when what the therapist actually said was: "so, how is this relationship meeting your needs?".
People pass everything through their prism and offer up their own interpretation rather than what their therapist/doctor/guru/sensei has said.
I recently ditched a very chaotic friendship with someone, who was becoming less reasonable and more vindictive/litigious with age. I remember her recounting an event with great fervour, where a dentist wasn't able to see her within a day or two and offering an appointment within a month's time and her telling to me how he was being negligent and she was going to find a no win-no fee lawyer to sue him. She then managed to get into some other dentist, inflicted the whole story on him and interpreted the poor guy saying "mmm-hmmmm" as his personal view that she's absolutely right and has a totally great case in suing his colleague.
We only know that people share.
The what ifs related to what is shared are infinite.
I generally do not go down the rabbit holes of the what ifs.
Though the smell test probably gives a more clear picture than only comes from the indivicual personal prism that is shared.
Hon, you will never be happy
Hon, you will never be happy in a marriage with a man who treats you so poorly; he shows blatant favouritism towards his oldest child, regularly gaslights you and is completely unsupportive. He’s given his eldest child so much power that, to all appearances, she is the wife while you are much lower on the totem pole.
What makes you stay in this terrible situation? With two young children to support, you would be able to claim child support from your (pardon me) jerk of a husband and make a new life for yourself.
Please keep in mind that a little girl imitates what she sees in her daily life; watching her mother being abused by a shouting, unreasonable and selfish father gives her the blueprint for choosing her own partner. Is that what you want for your own children?
Life is too short to spend in a bad relationship. Striking out on your own may be a frightening prospect but, in the long run, you will find peace and contentment. I left an abusive marriage in my mid-twenties and a subsequent disaster in my thirties yet found the man of my dreams at age thirty-eight. We’ve been married almost forty years and they’ve been the best years of my life, with a guy who lives to make me happy. Don’t give up on yourself and accept a miserable existence! With enough determination and a plan, you can break away from a bad marriage!