My partners 11yoD when she is watching something, and myself and BF start talking to eachother, she pauses the TV untill we finish speaking, absolutely grates me, how rude?! *bomb*
Have you asked her why she does it? I know that if DH gets an important call (or a call that seems important to him), I either pause what we're watching or put it on mute if that isn't possible. For me it's a question of respect and from his side, if it takes more than 30 seconds, he takes it out of the room. Could this be,something that her mother insists on in her home?
Pausing the show so she doesn't miss dialogue? Not rude at all. Talking while someone is trying to watch a show.. maybe is?
If you aren't watching the show and want to talk to your BF.. it would be more polite to leave the room.. if there is another room she could be watching her show in.. like her own BR.. maybe that would be a good place for her.. so you and your BF don't interrupt?
No, it's something she has watched over and over again. She tries to dominate most situations when she is here. She is generally a very rude and obnoxious child, does not respect boundaries or rules. Will happily disturb when we are watching TV, or demand we finish watching something so she can watch what she wants to watch. When she pauses something she is watching for the 500th time, she will sit and stare at us as if to say be quiet. You can't utter or whisper a word befire she pauses it and gives you a look. It is rude and I won't leave the room when she absolutely tries to dominate it for the whole time she is here when that room is for all of us.
I would find it irritating if SD paused the show, especially if we are speaking quietly, because I would rather nosy SD not be listening to every word we say to each other. DH or I would be in charge of the remote, not SD. I can see how if it is already an established tradition that SD can use the remote while her parents watch TV then it is going to be hard for you as an outsider to come in and change that. It would be best that she watch TV in another area.
But we don't allow her to watch TV in another room (that room being our bedroom - totally out of bounds) and we don't have a tv in another room as we have quite a small house. It just irks me that she does it with such an entitled attitude attached to it.
Why don't you and your DH watch tv in your bedroom and she can watch her show in the lounge? You get your privacy and can chat all you want, and she can watch her show without the need to keep pausing it. I understand you are frustrated as it offends you her doing it, so watching tv in your own private space might be a win-win for you and her.
If I'm watching tv, and someone else in the room begins talking, I pause the tv so I don't miss any dialogue, even if is something I have seen before. I will also pause the tv if I think it is interfering with someone else who is talking or on the phone. If this is an ongoing issue, maybe she should watch tv somewhere else, or you should talk in another room.
I agree.. she should have a tv elsewhere she is watching her shows.. esp if they are child centric and adults are "living" in the common spaces.
I still don't think it's rude to pause it.. It may be a bit presumptuous that she thinks that she "rules the livingroom".. but that is solved when she is provided another place to be and then told to be in it.
Daddy can also parent by telling her "enough screen time today.. time to read a book.. go outside and play.. etc.."
If you are unhappy, since you are venting , your unhappy, tell BF to fix it. Either you fix this now, or SD will be controlling your life. This how it starts, she knows you are unhappy, but she is winning. As she gets older she will control more abd more. BF either gets SD in line or time for exit plan
Does she have a bedroom at your house? If so, get her a tv in there and that's where she has to watch her shows. I do agree that modern parents tend to let kids take over the common living areas. It's annoying. I hate going to people's houses where the living room and kitchen are just littered with toys and have "kid shows" blaring. The adults pay for and maintain the home. Common spaces should be more theirs than kids'.
You've got bigger problems to tackle. DH sounds like a piss poor parent who is more afraid of parenting then pissing his wife off. No way should a CHILD have that much power in the home. One reason is they are not mature enough and the other is they don't pay for anything. Reminding SD of that will go long way to annoying her. (Smirk).
So, what kind of look do you give DH that makes DH jump?
If no TV in her room is the choice, she still cannot and should not be tolerated to dominate the family room. It is the family room. Not the toxic visiting spawn's space to dominate. When she is watching her for the X dozenth time movie and gets tude, shut it down and send her to her room to contemplate her navel and you and daddy enjoy time together in the family room.
Since she is so consistently rude, take away any benefit she gets from being rude by delivering such an instant and overwhelming state of abject misery that she will avoid the consequences whatever the cost may be to her.
Rude = Misery.
The era of children are to be seen and not heard existed for a reason. Kids need to understand that they are kids and manners and being polite matter to the point if they choose otherwise, they suffer.
IMHO of course.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
I find it interesting that in the work force it is an almost instant recognition when interfacing with someone who was raised as a child to have manners, to be polite, and be respectful of the adults in their lives. Vs. the noxious spawn who were raised from the perspective that they were spe-cial, allowed to by lippy, and ran amok over their own parents, families, the home, and anyone else cursed to have to interface with them.
The former tend to be the high performers, the later tend to be the PITA high drama types who consume more time and focus than they are worth as measured by their performance. The former are more confident, self motivated, well spoken, and fit better in team environments. The latter are not as self motivated, tend to be complainers and whiny, do not contribute as well in a team environment, and detract from organizational performance.
In my experience anyway.
Establish the standards of behavior and standards of performance. Enforce those standards. Whether the noxious rude temperamental visiting home invader likes it or not.
My SS was a full timer in our home and marriage. He is also an only in our our marriage. We had some issues with degrading behavior starting about a week before he left for SpermLand visitation. When he returned to his real life after being polluted by the SpermClan we would have to deal with about two weeks of post visitation behavioral detox. After a few years of this we adopted the zero tolerance model. He was expected to adhere to our home and family standards of behavior and standards of performance from the second he stepped off of the plane returning home from SpermLand until he was walking down the jet bridge to return to SpermLand for visitation.
An interesting episode was when he was visiting my parens shortly after he returned to reality from SpermLand. My parents lived having all of their GSpawn together. If my brothers 3 were visiting mom and dad they always asked if we could drop SS off as well. That particular time SS lost his damned mind and went shit spawn tantrum demon with my parents. This was apparently par for the course when he was visiting his SpermClan due to his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas pulling this shit wholesale. My parens were taken aback by that crap since SS was always a very calm engaging kid. My dad dealt with it instantly in a way that to this day my SS-32 recalls. SS is mortified and embarrassed by how he behaved even more than 2 decades later. When SS lost his mind and started having a screaming flailing tantrum on the floor, dad grabbed him, enveloped him in dad's arms and wrapped his legs around SS's legs and just held him and kept him from hurting himself or others. It pissed SS so bad to be constrained that he apparently was slobbering and foaming at the mouth bangins his head back at dad, so dad got a mouth full of SS's hair in his teeth and held him, SS thrashed forward and lost a big chunk of hair which of course hurt. That was when he calmed down. That is the only instance of this kind of crap anyone on our side ever experienced with SS. Apparently, this was common crap from SS's three younger half sibs when in SpermLand. He made a huge error when he pulled that shit with my parents.
Once the zero tolerance for crap and instant compliance to the rules upon return was implemented, we had almost no visitation related behavioral crap from the kid.
I think a lot of kids (minus those with legit developmental delay or severe autism) throw tantrums past toddler age because it works. Their parents inadvertently train them to keep doing it by giving them what they are tantruming for. My SO's son did it when he was about 9 because it was time to leave but he wanted another ice cream cone. I picked him up kicking and screaming and put him in the car and we left. I was actually injured doing it but wouldn't admit it. It was the last time he tried it with me, but i saw that it worked when he was with other family members so that's why he did it. He wasn't stupid. He wasn't "unable to control his emotions" like a lot of family members would say about him. He did what he did because it got him what he wanted. I also took a big step back from being alone with him, though. Who wants to take the chance of being hit again?
Oh yes. We had some of it post visitation in the toddler and early young child years.
We would send SS to SpermLand a verbal, happy, clean, bubbly little boy 85% potty trained and he would come back a stinky loaded diaper/pull up wearing disgustingly putrid dirty waife.
Long finger and toe nails, black sludge in his arm pits, in his crotch, behind his knees, around his waist, and in his elbows. He had not been bathed in days, had puss filled welts on his butt cheaks, raging diaper rash so bad his anus would bleed when we cleaned him up, and he had body odor that would gag a maggot.
He would come home non verbal, throw tantrums, point and grunt when he wanted something, and if we made him use his words he would pitch a fit, drop to the floor and have a screaming fit. His mom and I would just tell him to use his words and step over him as we got on with doing what we were doing. Until I would reach the end of my tolerance at which point I would grab him by a leg or by the waist of his pants, pick him up, carry him to his room, dump him on his bed, and close the door.
He was perfectly capable of asking for what he wanted. The SpermClan couldn't be bothered to help him with the toilet, listen to him speak, etc...and thought that the baby talking crap was cute. He was long past the baby talk and could have a basic conversation clearly.
We started taking pics of him pre visitation, then would take him to his pediatrician on our way home from picking him up from the airport to get an official record of how bad his hygiene, etc, was.
Mandating that a child performs to their capability at any given time rather than rewarding baby babble bullshit is toxic to the kid. An actual baby babbling, is cute as can be. A non baby pulling that crap, is nauseating.
...adults throw 'toddler tantrums' too! OSD35 still does when she doesn't get her way. Why? As you said, "because it works". It is interesting that she still employs this method, because it doesn't work for her with me and it no longer works for her with her dad. She, too, isn't unable to control her emotions because she is cunning. She gives her ugly to me and then plays the victim with her family, "See what big, bad Trudie did to me?" Only her words are not so nice, they are vile and come from the gutter. However, "big, bad Trudie" did say "No", which is foreign and she can't handle it emotionally.
I can see why you would pull away from an abusive 9 year old...he will just get bigger and stronger.
The realy mystery to me is why don't parents want better for their kids?
Current Irk: SD14 and her eating habits/food hoarding/gorging.
IMO it's just inconsiderate. DH will go to the grocery store and buy a pint of strawberries for example. She will eat 3/4 of it and leave a couple left... in the matter of hours! Protein bars will be in a "communal" basket and she will take HAND FULLS of them upstairs in her room. I called her out on it yesterday when DH asked and she just lied.
DH: Wow, all the bars are gone already?
Me: Yeah, I saw SD14 grab a few.
SD: No, I didn't.
Me: You took a few upstairs.
SD: Only 3.
WTF 3 IS A FEW.
Liar.
Also, her "cooking" in the kitchen. She will burn scramble eggs and smoke up the whole house. I am disengaged, but told her to turn the heat down (does NOT need to be on high) and wash the pan before it burns & sticks to it.
I flipped the cold water on in the sink and turned the knob on the stove off right behind her. ZERO common sense.
How parents miss what is blatantly in front of their faces never ceases to amaze me.
Not just once, but over, and over and over again.
Of course when the SParent is not joining the delusion parade the SParent is the evil one. While the noxious spawn smirks right in front of everyone and yet, the genetic rose colored glasses of delusion do their thing and no one but the SParent has the testicular fortitude to see it and call it out.
Zero tolerance and immediately addressing this bullshit works. If not to actually modify the behaviors of the noxious spawn, at least to keep them away. Them and the delusion groupies.
Win!
Though invariably the "But their just a kid!" fog is thick with these types. As are their skulls.
Have you asked her why she
Have you asked her why she does it? I know that if DH gets an important call (or a call that seems important to him), I either pause what we're watching or put it on mute if that isn't possible. For me it's a question of respect and from his side, if it takes more than 30 seconds, he takes it out of the room. Could this be,something that her mother insists on in her home?
Unfortunately not.
She's brought up with no boundaries, doesn't say please or thank you and doesn't accept the word no.
Pausing the show so she doesn
Pausing the show so she doesn't miss dialogue? Not rude at all. Talking while someone is trying to watch a show.. maybe is?
If you aren't watching the show and want to talk to your BF.. it would be more polite to leave the room.. if there is another room she could be watching her show in.. like her own BR.. maybe that would be a good place for her.. so you and your BF don't interrupt?
No, it's something she has
No, it's something she has watched over and over again. She tries to dominate most situations when she is here. She is generally a very rude and obnoxious child, does not respect boundaries or rules. Will happily disturb when we are watching TV, or demand we finish watching something so she can watch what she wants to watch. When she pauses something she is watching for the 500th time, she will sit and stare at us as if to say be quiet. You can't utter or whisper a word befire she pauses it and gives you a look. It is rude and I won't leave the room when she absolutely tries to dominate it for the whole time she is here when that room is for all of us.
I would find it irritating if
I would find it irritating if SD paused the show, especially if we are speaking quietly, because I would rather nosy SD not be listening to every word we say to each other. DH or I would be in charge of the remote, not SD. I can see how if it is already an established tradition that SD can use the remote while her parents watch TV then it is going to be hard for you as an outsider to come in and change that. It would be best that she watch TV in another area.
I agree.
But we don't allow her to watch TV in another room (that room being our bedroom - totally out of bounds) and we don't have a tv in another room as we have quite a small house. It just irks me that she does it with such an entitled attitude attached to it.
Why don't you and your DH
Why don't you and your DH watch tv in your bedroom and she can watch her show in the lounge? You get your privacy and can chat all you want, and she can watch her show without the need to keep pausing it.
I understand you are frustrated as it offends you her doing it, so watching tv in your own private space might be a win-win for you and her.
If I'm watching tv and someone else in the room begins talking,
If I'm watching tv, and someone else in the room begins talking, I pause the tv so I don't miss any dialogue, even if is something I have seen before. I will also pause the tv if I think it is interfering with someone else who is talking or on the phone. If this is an ongoing issue, maybe she should watch tv somewhere else, or you should talk in another room.
I agree.. she should have a
I agree.. she should have a tv elsewhere she is watching her shows.. esp if they are child centric and adults are "living" in the common spaces.
I still don't think it's rude to pause it.. It may be a bit presumptuous that she thinks that she "rules the livingroom".. but that is solved when she is provided another place to be and then told to be in it.
Daddy can also parent by telling her "enough screen time today.. time to read a book.. go outside and play.. etc.."
You are letting this happen
If you are unhappy, since you are venting , your unhappy, tell BF to fix it. Either you fix this now, or SD will be controlling your life. This how it starts, she knows you are unhappy, but she is winning. As she gets older she will control more abd more.
BF either gets SD in line or time for exit plan
Does she have a bedroom at
Does she have a bedroom at your house? If so, get her a tv in there and that's where she has to watch her shows. I do agree that modern parents tend to let kids take over the common living areas. It's annoying. I hate going to people's houses where the living room and kitchen are just littered with toys and have "kid shows" blaring. The adults pay for and maintain the home. Common spaces should be more theirs than kids'.
You've got bigger problems to
You've got bigger problems to tackle. DH sounds like a piss poor parent who is more afraid of parenting then pissing his wife off. No way should a CHILD have that much power in the home. One reason is they are not mature enough and the other is they don't pay for anything. Reminding SD of that will go long way to annoying her. (Smirk).
So, what kind of look do you give DH that makes DH jump?
Get a small TV for her room, and she can watch her stuff there.
End of issue.
If no TV in her room is the choice, she still cannot and should not be tolerated to dominate the family room. It is the family room. Not the toxic visiting spawn's space to dominate. When she is watching her for the X dozenth time movie and gets tude, shut it down and send her to her room to contemplate her navel and you and daddy enjoy time together in the family room.
Since she is so consistently rude, take away any benefit she gets from being rude by delivering such an instant and overwhelming state of abject misery that she will avoid the consequences whatever the cost may be to her.
Rude = Misery.
The era of children are to be seen and not heard existed for a reason. Kids need to understand that they are kids and manners and being polite matter to the point if they choose otherwise, they suffer.
IMHO of course.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
I find it interesting that in the work force it is an almost instant recognition when interfacing with someone who was raised as a child to have manners, to be polite, and be respectful of the adults in their lives. Vs. the noxious spawn who were raised from the perspective that they were spe-cial, allowed to by lippy, and ran amok over their own parents, families, the home, and anyone else cursed to have to interface with them.
The former tend to be the high performers, the later tend to be the PITA high drama types who consume more time and focus than they are worth as measured by their performance. The former are more confident, self motivated, well spoken, and fit better in team environments. The latter are not as self motivated, tend to be complainers and whiny, do not contribute as well in a team environment, and detract from organizational performance.
In my experience anyway.
Establish the standards of behavior and standards of performance. Enforce those standards. Whether the noxious rude temperamental visiting home invader likes it or not.
My SS was a full timer in our home and marriage. He is also an only in our our marriage. We had some issues with degrading behavior starting about a week before he left for SpermLand visitation. When he returned to his real life after being polluted by the SpermClan we would have to deal with about two weeks of post visitation behavioral detox. After a few years of this we adopted the zero tolerance model. He was expected to adhere to our home and family standards of behavior and standards of performance from the second he stepped off of the plane returning home from SpermLand until he was walking down the jet bridge to return to SpermLand for visitation.
An interesting episode was when he was visiting my parens shortly after he returned to reality from SpermLand. My parents lived having all of their GSpawn together. If my brothers 3 were visiting mom and dad they always asked if we could drop SS off as well. That particular time SS lost his damned mind and went shit spawn tantrum demon with my parents. This was apparently par for the course when he was visiting his SpermClan due to his three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs by two other baby mamas pulling this shit wholesale. My parens were taken aback by that crap since SS was always a very calm engaging kid. My dad dealt with it instantly in a way that to this day my SS-32 recalls. SS is mortified and embarrassed by how he behaved even more than 2 decades later. When SS lost his mind and started having a screaming flailing tantrum on the floor, dad grabbed him, enveloped him in dad's arms and wrapped his legs around SS's legs and just held him and kept him from hurting himself or others. It pissed SS so bad to be constrained that he apparently was slobbering and foaming at the mouth bangins his head back at dad, so dad got a mouth full of SS's hair in his teeth and held him, SS thrashed forward and lost a big chunk of hair which of course hurt. That was when he calmed down. That is the only instance of this kind of crap anyone on our side ever experienced with SS. Apparently, this was common crap from SS's three younger half sibs when in SpermLand. He made a huge error when he pulled that shit with my parents.
Once the zero tolerance for crap and instant compliance to the rules upon return was implemented, we had almost no visitation related behavioral crap from the kid.
Good luck.
I think a lot of kids (minus
I think a lot of kids (minus those with legit developmental delay or severe autism) throw tantrums past toddler age because it works. Their parents inadvertently train them to keep doing it by giving them what they are tantruming for. My SO's son did it when he was about 9 because it was time to leave but he wanted another ice cream cone. I picked him up kicking and screaming and put him in the car and we left. I was actually injured doing it but wouldn't admit it. It was the last time he tried it with me, but i saw that it worked when he was with other family members so that's why he did it. He wasn't stupid. He wasn't "unable to control his emotions" like a lot of family members would say about him. He did what he did because it got him what he wanted. I also took a big step back from being alone with him, though. Who wants to take the chance of being hit again?
Oh yes. We had some of it post visitation in the toddler years.
Oh yes. We had some of it post visitation in the toddler and early young child years.
We would send SS to SpermLand a verbal, happy, clean, bubbly little boy 85% potty trained and he would come back a stinky loaded diaper/pull up wearing disgustingly putrid dirty waife.
Long finger and toe nails, black sludge in his arm pits, in his crotch, behind his knees, around his waist, and in his elbows. He had not been bathed in days, had puss filled welts on his butt cheaks, raging diaper rash so bad his anus would bleed when we cleaned him up, and he had body odor that would gag a maggot.
He would come home non verbal, throw tantrums, point and grunt when he wanted something, and if we made him use his words he would pitch a fit, drop to the floor and have a screaming fit. His mom and I would just tell him to use his words and step over him as we got on with doing what we were doing. Until I would reach the end of my tolerance at which point I would grab him by a leg or by the waist of his pants, pick him up, carry him to his room, dump him on his bed, and close the door.
He was perfectly capable of asking for what he wanted. The SpermClan couldn't be bothered to help him with the toilet, listen to him speak, etc...and thought that the baby talking crap was cute. He was long past the baby talk and could have a basic conversation clearly.
We started taking pics of him pre visitation, then would take him to his pediatrician on our way home from picking him up from the airport to get an official record of how bad his hygiene, etc, was.
Mandating that a child performs to their capability at any given time rather than rewarding baby babble bullshit is toxic to the kid. An actual baby babbling, is cute as can be. A non baby pulling that crap, is nauseating.
Yours is blessed to have you.
Not only kids...
...adults throw 'toddler tantrums' too! OSD35 still does when she doesn't get her way. Why? As you said, "because it works". It is interesting that she still employs this method, because it doesn't work for her with me and it no longer works for her with her dad. She, too, isn't unable to control her emotions because she is cunning. She gives her ugly to me and then plays the victim with her family, "See what big, bad Trudie did to me?" Only her words are not so nice, they are vile and come from the gutter. However, "big, bad Trudie" did say "No", which is foreign and she can't handle it emotionally.
I can see why you would pull away from an abusive 9 year old...he will just get bigger and stronger.
The realy mystery to me is why don't parents want better for their kids?
Current Irk: SD14 and her
Current Irk: SD14 and her eating habits/food hoarding/gorging.
IMO it's just inconsiderate. DH will go to the grocery store and buy a pint of strawberries for example. She will eat 3/4 of it and leave a couple left... in the matter of hours! Protein bars will be in a "communal" basket and she will take HAND FULLS of them upstairs in her room. I called her out on it yesterday when DH asked and she just lied.
DH: Wow, all the bars are gone already?
Me: Yeah, I saw SD14 grab a few.
SD: No, I didn't.
Me: You took a few upstairs.
SD: Only 3.
WTF 3 IS A FEW.
Liar.
Also, her "cooking" in the kitchen. She will burn scramble eggs and smoke up the whole house. I am disengaged, but told her to turn the heat down (does NOT need to be on high) and wash the pan before it burns & sticks to it.
I flipped the cold water on in the sink and turned the knob on the stove off right behind her. ZERO common sense.
Rather than not having common sense, she is a manipulative liar.
Daddy needs to know this with absolute clarity.
How parents miss what is blatantly in front of their faces never ceases to amaze me.
Not just once, but over, and over and over again.
Of course when the SParent is not joining the delusion parade the SParent is the evil one. While the noxious spawn smirks right in front of everyone and yet, the genetic rose colored glasses of delusion do their thing and no one but the SParent has the testicular fortitude to see it and call it out.
Zero tolerance and immediately addressing this bullshit works. If not to actually modify the behaviors of the noxious spawn, at least to keep them away. Them and the delusion groupies.
Win!
Though invariably the "But their just a kid!" fog is thick with these types. As are their skulls.
IMHO