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Nightmare stepdaughter

Lukejo's picture

Hey so background is been married 9yrs 2 stepdaughters 12 and 15 2 girls of my own from previous.

Eldest stepchild has become a nightmare in the last 18months or so Obvious mental health problems, big waiting lists here in UK. 

I spotted a problem 2 years ago and suggested to my wife that we write down some house rules so we are all clear on boundaries and what's expected etc etc. she agreed so we wrote them out but she was and still is reluctant to put them in place... 

Since then the eldest step daughter has become violent towards us and peers. Been kicked out of 2 schools. We've had to call the police on her several times, I've personally been assaulted with plates and she tried to get a knife to stab me because I tried to stop her assaulting my wife. She's started drinking now which makes matters worse. 

After the last assault I moved out and only stay in my own house when she's at her dad's or nans. 

I've had 2 quite major and 1 other breakdown in my own mental health so moving back in with her is a big no no. Mainly because of my wife almost enabling her children's behaviour. 

She doesn't say no to anything they do. The eldest because of fear of violence but she had the chance to try and put boundaries in place 2yrs ago. Not it's too late and it seems that both her and her sisters behaviours are getting worse. 

I'm just at the end of my tether with the whole situation. I love my wife but then I think about how disrespected I feel having been ignored about what I want in my own house. Right now I want to pack up and leave for good, I don't see any other way around it!

CajunMom's picture

To permanently leave this mess. I get it. You love wife. What's clear is she doesn't truly love you or she would not subject you to such violence, injury and possible false accusations.
 

Your only option depends on your wife. Will she get into counseling and work on the enabling she has done with her kids? If not, I see no way to go back into the mess. Let her figure out what to do with her out-of-control kids. Protect yourself and your children. 

Lukejo's picture

I've considered suggesting counselling but I think it's past that point with her and her kids. I think protecting myself is great advice.

Winterglow's picture

Put yourself and your children first. Nothing else is as important. 

Harry's picture

You move out. Wife and SD have time along.  Then you move back in and she has you.   You must realize, DW is not going to change. You must protect your kids and yourself.  You can't do anything from the hospital or jail.  Unfortunately you must move out , divorce DW, leaving DW and her dysfunctional kids to themselves.

You must start a new life as hard as that is.  

Lukejo's picture

As harsh as it sounds I think you're right. I feel so guilty though that she'll be left with the daughter. I really feel like shit but staying with her just because I need to grow a pair isn't right

Winterglow's picture

Stop feeling guilty. If she'd have followed your lead and had your back rather than enabling her daughter, things might not have come to this. You did what you could given the circumstances. 

Rags's picture

Not your genetic refuse, not your parental failure.

Stop letting your fee fees prevent you from addressing the problem effectively.

Guilt is not an intellectual tool.

Rags's picture

Triggering you was not my intent.  Though I do hope this entire discussion thread gives you clarity to take action and protect yourself.

Lukejo's picture

The truth hurts. Most of the replies have given me real clarity. 

I know what I need to do now. Thanks

Harry's picture

That's the number one reason for these boards.  It's would be better for everyone to just leave there SO, and there dysfunction. And start over.  But we just can't for some reason, we don't like to .,.fail..lose..be a failed... be one of those people that everyone take about...divorce...   

So we hang in. Thinking one day a light will go off. Abe things will change.  We get so old that the dating pool out there are all divorced people with one or two failed marriages.  

Lukejo's picture

I've no problem being a 'failure' in this case. Divorce seems like a dream. Dating isn't even on the radar right now either, just need to get away from the stress I'm under!

Rags's picture

Taking a do-over can be a freeing and life altering action.  If I had made the choice to remain with my adulterous XW I would not have the incredible marriage that I have now.

Fortunatley, XW chose to divorce and go all in on her adulterous life and out of wedlock breeding efforts.  At last update I got on my XW, she was on DH #3 with three all ouf of wedlock spawn.   Her eldest and youngest were conceivied while she was cheating.

Take the do-over and live the  best life possible.  Doing nothing, will change nothing.

Harry's picture

She picked her dysfunctional DD over you,  blood is thicker then water.  You are left with no choice.  You must move out and end this marriage.  Or become a permanent ATM and puching bag.    You must see the handwriting, on the wall.  DW will always side with a crazy SD.  As in you will end up in jail when you get tired of being disrespected 

Move out, say good by. Start over. No one can live that way 

Harry's picture

1

Lukejo's picture

No one can or should live that way! I need to grow a pair and put a stop to this mad shameless like shit life that I'm choosing to live

grannyd's picture

Wow, Toaster!

What a fantastic story and so well expressed. I hope that Lukejo is paying attention; we only get on life!

TrueNorth77's picture

I am in a similar situation, dealing with a demon SD15 that has flipped to out of control. We are struggling to handle it. Luckily my DH would not let her be in the house if she was assaulting me- she would be somewhere else. I'm sorry your Wife is not having your back more or parenting her child. It's extremely difficult to stay when these kids are out of control and running the show. I'm about to post about SD- she has been determined to do online schooling and we have told her absolutely not for many reasons. We are now on vacation and the day we left Crazy (BM) unilaterally made the decision to let SD do it while we are on vacay for 2wks, without DH's consent. I am livid- I WFH and am NOT going to be home with SD all day, and DH agrees. So now we have to deal with that when we get home. It sounds like you don't have many options...I would probably leave if I were you. Best of luck.