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Red Flags: What were yours?

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 9:44am

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General Discussion

I read this from "Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life" on Facebook:

"The moment you start googling someone's behavior in an effort to understand it is probably the biggest red flag you'll ever need."  

Wow, was I ever googling BM's behavior back in the day! 

Other red flags back then (in order): 

  • BM stalked us via phone during a weekend get-away (long story: she called DH's employer when he wasn't picking up the phone; this was out of her playbook--she had done this and worse with DH and a former GF).This was startling and I will never forget my physical reaction to realizing what was occurring.
  • SD had a major over-the-top temper tantrum (by phone) when she learned we were dating (related to the weekend get-away). It seemed clear to me that BM at the very least supported SD's behavior and at the worst instigated it.
  • Skid visits came to a screeching halt (skids were suddenly too engaged in too many activities).
  • The BM/skid ("family") phone calls started every Friday around 6:00 - 7:00 pm -- the skids were old enough to contact their father on their own, but the calls always involved BM dialing and starting the calls, which always occurred as we were preparing dinner or heading out. 
  • Manufactured crises whenever we were leaving for a get-together, a weekend get-away, or vacation.
  • The Father's Day and birthday cards to DH that first year: They were not only signed by the skids, but BM wrote all over the back of them, telling DH how "amazing" and "wonderful" he was. 
  • It was clear BM never viewed the skids as separate from her. In her mind, they were a package deal, a package deal she would force on others. I didn't realize that one for a while. 

I decided three months in that this was not a pile I wanted to step into (not all of the above had happened by then, but I had seen enough to be concerned), and DH swore he was going to handle the situation/my concerns. Everything seemed ok for the next few years--minor annoyances--but then all hell broke loose after we married. That took another couple of years (including a brief separation) to resolve. 

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 10:19am

Your 5th and 7th red flags occurred for us also.  The day we got married, NPD BM had a physical fight with her BF, and left him, leaving an irate voicemail message for my DH on our wedding day, about the SDs - who were with us btw.  I think she expected DH to ride in on his white charger, abandoning our honeymoon, and rescue her.  I spent a lot of time googling her narcissistic behaviour - this was before narcissism became so fashionable.  

SD29, from whom I have been estranged for 2 yrs, tried the "manufactured crisis" approach recently, just before we left to go on holiday.  Nice try, SD29!  Other red flags when they were younger, was the NPD BM was forever telling DH how bad his parenting was, how he needed to go to anger management/ therapy etc and sending him long notes about this, basically her on the high moral ground, spitting down upon us mere mortals. 

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 12:40pm

Wow. They sound a bit borderline, too (yes, I've googled the hell out of BPD, too!)

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 11:05am

DH and I went to Las Vegas to be married.  It seemed like the best thing to do to keep everything calm with the volatile exs and 5 kids in the picture.  Plus, it was what we wanted to do.

I should have known the future with SD would be "eventful" when we heard she'd run away from BM's right before we left.  Manufractured crises occurred regularly, still do every holiday season.  "Look at ME, take care of ME".

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 12:41pm

Oh yes. 

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 12:43pm

Any non-breastfeeding divorced woman protesting  "we're a package deal" needs to get a life and a therapist. IMO that's some generic crap you put on your tinder dating profile to let the dudes know he gotta provide for you AND your kids if he seriously dates you .... not something to declare to your ex husband / new wife (we already know we gotta deal with a cray cray ex plus your bad a$$ kids so STFU and quietly accept your child support and take care of your kids)

Lwt me say my Disneyland dad I used to deal with ex wife was a nut job who would also fake crises to keep herself and her spawn front and center and to see how far up her flat nasty a$$ my partner would go running to pacify her. 
 

But the main red flag of our relationship was when he 

  1. lied about his involvement with his kids (went from "oh I'm barely going to see them bc my exwife is taking them out of town" to after we moved in "hey I'm getting my kids every weekend and holiday AND I'm paying more child support than what i initially told you")
  2. lied about his ex wife claiming she was so abusive and her behavior led to their divorce (well if she was so abusive then why are you risking our relationship to fold at her every demand)
  3. Intentionally omitted how manipulative his exwife and and how frequently she used "weaponized incompetence" better than the average man trying to get out of his "honey to do list" ... felt worse than dealing with a dead beat bc at least the deadbeat is out of the picture but nah still gotta deal with this c*nt
  4. Conveniently omitted how inept his kids were are following house rules/structure; doing anything aside from gaming/sitting in their duffs/being waste of space ... and how he was too lazy to care 
  5. When I had COVID and this fool was more concerned about himself/his kids/his exwife having a break 

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 12:43pm

How long did you all date? How long were you married? When did the marriage end? Congrats for removing yourself from that! 

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 1:27pm

I was just gonna write that.

100%!

MorningMia's picture

Submitted by MorningMia on Mon, 09/09/2024 - 4:20pm

Well, I'm totally jealous re: my ex, He doesn't date women with kids. No offense to anyone here, but, boy, has he dodged some bullets. I've thought: Why didn't I think if that!. Ha! 

Trudie's picture

Submitted by Trudie on Wed, 09/11/2024 - 3:06pm

Spot on!

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 09/10/2024 - 9:18am

If SO saids they are away and will handle it when they get back home, then turns off there phone, or just doesn't answer it. One thing. SO playing referee all weekend when you have adult time. Is a major red flag.  SO gets one  warning, about this behavior.

Some peope can't stop this destructive behavior.  They are called. Divorce,  looking for a SO who understands Dysfunctional people .  Want there life control by a ex and there kids.

These people can't change. But under the understanding that they didn't know what they were doing. They get a second chance. As you make your exit plans

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Tue, 09/10/2024 - 9:18am

If SO saids they are away and will handle it when they get back home, then turns off there phone, or just doesn't answer it. One thing. SO playing referee all weekend when you have adult time. Is a major red flag.  SO gets one  warning, about this behavior.

Some peope can't stop this destructive behavior.  They are called. Divorce,  looking for a SO who understands Dysfunctional people .  Want there life control by a ex and there kids.

These people can't change. But under the understanding that they didn't know what they were doing. They get a second chance. As you make your exit plans

relationshipguru's picture

Submitted by relationshipguru on Tue, 09/10/2024 - 12:57pm

Relationship monkey branching, lack of boundaries with others, volatile temper tantrums, allowing their kids to be disrespectful, being ok with others paying for their way 90% of the time.