You mean people can act decently even if they had trauma as children? Say it ain't so!
DH's late-20's nephew, wife, and two very small littles are moving across the country (job transfer) and will be living a couple hours from us. Nephew lost his father, DH's brother, in an incredibly tragic accident when he was 12 (witnessed by nephew). So, nephew grew up without a father. Sister in law did not remarry.
We hadn't seen nephew in years, so when I heard he & family wanted to stay with us for a few days until their new house was ready, I was a little bit SM-PTSD-induced worried.
WOW. We have told skids before, "Mi casa es su casa -- clean up after yourself." And they don't. Nephew & family were houseguests. After DH made breakfast for everyone, THEY cleaned the kitchen. They made their bed everyday (I don't care about that, really). The bathroom they used was left immaculate. They said, "Thank you" every now and then. They were a PLEASURE to have around.
Nephew never bought into the "I'm a victim" mentality, "My childhood was ruined" mentality, "You owe me" mentality. He's a mature, kind, conscientious young man. His wife is the same. I really enjoyed their visit, and it was fun entertaining their super littles.
Their behavior of course made me think of my skids, whose visits (which have ended--our decision) were usually pure hell because they are entitled. How embarrassing!
Interestingly, SS (and even his pathetic mother, who never met him) pretends he is close with this guy (the nephew). What a load of crap. They are two total opposites. One was coddled and told he was a victim because of a divorce; the other obviously grew into an adult and took a real tragedy and made it into something else (his career is related).
So glad these folks will live somewhat close by.
- Log in to post comments
I get tired of hearing that
I get tired of hearing that the kids had it hard because of divorce. Like what do you mean it was 12 years ago and they were like 4 and 5 years old. They have gotten everything that have ever asked for since then and are by no means distressed. They can be nicer people they choose not to.
Exactly!
Exactly!
Not necessarily making
Not necessarily making excuses but there are probably reasons why there are different outcomes.
In nephew's situation.. he didn't deal with steplife.. though losing a parent is obviously traumatic... he didn't deal with the dynamic of a new parent.. didn't shuttle between homes.. or have people parenting from a place of guilt. his mom may have also just been an exceptional woman.
In divorce, you have ongoing feedback for the kids that causes a lot of the issues.. parents not parenting.. appeasing.. etc.. they are having to deal with shuttling back and forth and other adults trying to establish dominance in their lives and homes... it is a different dynamic..
also.. in divorce, you have two parents that couldn't make their relationship work.. probably due to dysfunction they both have.. so no surprise that it carries on to their kids.. in this guy's situation.. he didn't lose his father because his parents were dysfunctional.. so maybe they were just "better people".. (where he inherited more genetic tendencies too?)
I agree that due to pre
I agree that due to pre-existing dysfunction that gets amplified in divorce, many skids are "trained" to be jerks. The competition between parents, the badmouthing, the spoiling to appease tantrums but also neglect of basic parental teaching. Then enter parents' new partners. It's think many step-relationships are doomed from the start. Skids hear from their other parent how awful the stepparent is or feel guilty for having a relationship with them. And even though i had joint 50/50 with my kids, i think that is "fair" to the parents but hard on the kids and new partners. The constant back-and forth between homes, the constant communication between exes. Idk what the solution would be, though. Divorce with kids and people procreating with multiple people without ever being married is just bad for our society as a whole. And like i said, i admit to being part of it by being a divorced parent myself.
Except that my skids have
Except that my skids have blamed everything on the trauma of divorce. They have used it to act like rude a-holes--in fact, pride themselves on being a-holes-- just as criminals blame their criminal behavior on whatever. I witnessed my DH as a dad. I get the skids not having him around as much because their mom moved them 8 + hours away (and, yes, DH allowed that). And I know my DH did not "save" his kids from a very dysfunctional woman. I also witnessed DH talking with them in a way my father never talked with me and how often he told them he loved them. I loved my father but, wow, I wish we had that kind of relationship. So, yea, I do not excuse or understand my skids' behavior.
I must say that I do often think about DNA's influence on behavior.
I love your views and your take on things and always appreciate what you say.
I'm team Boo-F'n-Hoo with the poor me types.
Nothing is ever their fault. It is the fault of some tragedy. Bullshit. Even when there is a legitimate tragedy, how people deal with it is a choice. Do they let it define their lives and limit their joy? Or do they embrace it, grieve, and get on with living?
At some point, their outcome is a series of choices on how they deal with it and choose to live.
I applaud your Nephew for his triumphant perspective on life and not being a victim of the tragedy he lived.
My University BFF found his dad after his dad unalived himself when he was 12yo. He is like your nephew. He embraces life and triumphs in it. For himself, for his mom, for his wife and their DD.
Deleted duplicate.
Deleted duplicate.
What a horrible thing for
What a horrible thing for your friend, and kudos to him for living his best life! In my view, there is no excuse to treat others like crap or to enjoy hurting others.
It is so refreshing to be
It is so refreshing to be around regular, polite young people rather than a step-devil. I am happy to hear you had a nice experience with your DH's nephew.
How you choose to act towards
How you choose to act towards others is YOUR decision.
I am so tired of hearing people blame their horrendious behavior on the fact that they had a bad childhood.
Me too!
Me too!
Me three!
I married the proof of the absolute fact that how you act towards others, and yourself, is a choice. My bride was raised in poverty, was a single teen mom at 16 and has made an incredible life and career for herself as well as raised a viable adult.
An interesting experience my MIL has occasionally is when someone in her community has a DD or GD who becomes pregnant in their teens. MIL tries to present her eldest as an example that a teen pregnancy does not have to define or end the future of the teen mom. Often her attempts to be supportive and inspire through the example of my DW are met with animosity "Not everyone is like your daughter!".
My MIL struggles to understand how DW's success causes anger to the parents or GPs of pregnant teens.
My wife is adamant that "If (she) did it, anyone can do it."
Agreed.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and work on who you can impact...yourself. The rest falls into place.
My childhood best friend
My childhood best friend/neighbor had SIGNIFICANT trauma, and turned out "normal". When my BFF was 6, his father shot his mother and she died. He went to prison and was sentenced for life. His mother and father were going through a divorce and she had a restraining order on him at the time of the murder. My BFF and his two sisters were home when the incident happened in their driveway.
My BFF moved 3 hours away to their grandmother's and became my neighbor. She was old-fashioned and instilled manners, routine and responsibility in all 3 children. They were all well-behaved and ended up successful adults! He finished college and became an engineer. His two sisters: one now a child speech pathologist & the other a high school science teacher.
Genetics and trauma are real and do have a lasting impact. HOWEVER, far too many people use trauma as an excuse for poor behavior nowadays IMO. Consistent parenting (even by a grandparent) can HUGELY contribute to the success of a child. Vice versa, we see on ST the results of failed parenting far too often.