Should DH get involved or stay out of it..
DH is a firm believer of what goes on at BM's is on her to deal with and DH does not get involved. Meaning if BM wants to coddle and spoil SS14 at her house then BM is going to have to deal with the Consequences.
Here is the "issue". SS14 refuses to take the bus in the morning for school because he likes to sleep in. BM drives him in every day. Ok whatever that's on her since SS is with her in the mornings. Well the last 7 weeks SS has been "tardy" to school EVERY day sometimes by just a few minutes other times 30 minutes or more. REMEMBER BM is driving him in. The teachers have given SS warnings and sent emails home. I asked SS about this and he said he just wants to sleep in more. I asked what BM does and SS says BM keeps bugging him to get up but SS refuses so he's late to school.
I told DH this and he said oh well that's on BM not me.
Thoughts on this? Obviously the school is not happy as SS keeps getting written up. Is DH right to just stay out of it and let BM figure it out since it's happening at her house? Should DH get involved and if so how/what should he do?
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She made the monster, let her
She made the monster, let her take the fall out
What's the alternative?
What's the alternative? Should he go over to BM's and drag SS out of bed?
what BM allows at her house
what BM allows at her house is on her, ESPECIALLY if DH doesn't want to get involved. If DH wants to stay out of it, OBVIOUSLY he doesn't care either. He knows, and doesn't care. You can't care more than this child's parents. THAT'S when I had to learn to "Let it go" and disengage. You will just get into fights with DH over it and become increasingly frustrated over a child that isn't yours.
What do you suggest that he
What do you suggest that he do about this?
Well, not getting SS to
Well, not getting SS to school on time on a regular basis IS neglect. He COULD try to go over there and get him out of bed.
https://mycasehelper.com/can-cps-take-your-child-for-missing-school/
So YES, IMO, DH should make a bigger deal, but that's on DH to WANT to do. What should a stepparent do (especially if the child HAS 2 parents)? The step parent should leave it alone, it's not their child, and it doesn't reflect on THEIR parenting skill, it reflects on the 2 parents.
ETA: DH can also make reports to social services, and keep documentation of reports, and then file for primary physical custody. BUUUUUT That is up to DH to care enough about... If DH doesn't care, it wont matter WHOSE house SS is at, the end will remain the same, kid wont go to school, but then DH might put the blame on stepparent, and stepparent will then gain MORE resentment over SS and become even MORE frustrated then when SS was doing this same exact thing at BM's house.
It's is a big deal - but it's
It's is a big deal - but it's BM's deal. I would never recommend that one parent go to the other parent's house and drag a kid out of bed. How would you feel if BM did that at YOUR house?
Also - is it worth spending 30K to try to get full custody when you know it won't happen? And around here, it's the school that has to call CPS on a situation like this - they won't take it from the other parent.
I think her DH is doing the right thing - BM has to deal with these issues in her house.
DH wouldn't let it get to
DH wouldn't let it get to that, he'd get sd up and out of bed
Good question
The school KNOWS SS is with BM in the mornings but Continues to reach out to DH for help. Why?
because it IS neglect to let
because it IS neglect to let your child be abscent and tardy too often, and the school is covering it's A$$ by sending en email out to BOTH parents, so when they DO notify social services, tehy can tell them BOTH parents are aware of the situation and NEITHER of them are doing anything about it.
This is one of those
This is one of those "preparing your kid for life" things that parents are supposed to do. BOTH parents.
Both parents need to be prepared to hand out consequences if SS continues to refuse to get up on time. Both parents will suffer the consequences if social services is called. And, you will certainly suffer if BM loses custody.
This is different than not getting involved because SS is not eating his peas at BM's.
Simple solutions.
Simple solutions.
Air horn. Bucket of ice water, no bed, and a forced march to school each time he misses the bus.
An abject state of misery solves this problem in a hurry.
My Skid missed the bus once in the AM, he took off on a sprint through the woods to the next neighborhood over to catch the bus when it went through there. He missed once at the end of school day as well. He called. We told him to enjoy the walk and be safe since there were no sidewalks on the main road between his HS and our home. It was about 7 miles. We were just finising up dinner when he walked in.
BM is an idiot.
If my skids were late to
If my skids were late to school every day and it was, by their own admission, because THEY wanted to sleep in, and not because BM was sleeping in or not even trying to get them moving, DH would impose consequences at our house. He would not get on BM about it, but he would not let it go. They're his kids too, and even though what goes on at BM's house and how BM deals with it is out of his control, that doesn't mean he can't express his displeasure with THEIR behavior and seek to change that behavior. Now, if the skid was late every day because BM couldn't get HER lazy ass out of bed to take him (and there wasn't a bus), that would be different and that would be something appropriately addressed with BM.
I agree, there IS something
I agree, there IS something he can do, which is to address the kids behavior when he's at their home. Including making them get up at the time they would typically to get the bus-but on the weekends.
He needs to e-mail the school to cover himself though. But going to bm's house? Nope.
Once the school has both
Once the school has both parents emails, all emails will go to both parents (as they should). Schools should not be deciding which emails go to which parent.
The school does not expect the non custodial parent to go to the house and drag the kid to school. They are imforming the non custodial parent of the situation. They do expect that the non custodial parent would speak to the child and the custodial parent about attendance.
In the end, there is very little the non custodial parent can do except speak to the child and the custodial parent. Social services is not going to remove the child from BM for lateness. She might end up in truancy court with her child, but no court is going to sanction or blame the non custodial parent for the lateness of a child that doesn't live with him.
To cover himself, DH should reply to the school. He is aware of the lateness and will speak to the child, but the child is not leaving his house to attend school.
These are two seperate yet
These are two separate yet intertwined issues. SS wants to sleep in so BM allows him and ends up dropping SS off late. That is BM's fault for encouraging the laziness and not setting time limits for SS. The tardy affects both BM and DH because it is a disciplinary issue with the school. So no DH should not go to BM's house and do anything, but he should still care because overall it can and will affect him when SS is deemed truant.
The ideal of co-parenting is
The ideal of co-parenting is that both parents can agree on a set of boundaries/rules and how they approach issues like this one but it's rarely possible. We tried to do this for years and years with BM but it's rarely worked. Sometimes we are on the same page and we do try to work together, however more often than not we are poles apart so BM does it her way and we do it our way.
It's harder during the teeange years as the problems get bigger and more complicated and for us has highlighted just how differently we approach parenting to BM.
My advice, choose your battles. We will sometimes raise concerns with BM, however have little expectation that it will change anything and in the end respect her right to parent as she sees fit as is our right.
Let BM deal with the consequences, the school is likely to haul her in there to talk about it and/or start dishing out detentions to SS.
Awesome advice folks! Here are my thoughts..
1. No way in Hell would DH go over to BM's house and drag SS out of bed. With SS history of physical violence it would go VERY poorly for DH. I don't think the school is thinking this.
2. My "opinion" is the school Keeps after DH...one they are getting no where with BM who has the Attitude of "I'm trying but poor me single mom with no help with DH" And two hoping DH will step up and get involved somehow.
3. I'm sure BM or even the school would love for DH to take SS overnight and get him to school(um no thank you I can't stand the brat so I'm not Suggesting it) BM would never ask DH for help she's the type who just expects DH to volunteer on his own.
4. I'm sure BM expects DH to support her and give SS a talking to or maybe even a phone call in the morning. Same with the school.
Think the school has
A legal requirement to send notice to both parents. You should send the school the CO showing the days he is with BM and BF. And a letter saying this is happing on BM days. Same letter to BM
Violent SS
Whats being done about this?
Engage the district Truent Officer.
Engage the district Truent Officer. Let mommy and the idiot kid deal with the officer with the badge.
End of problem.
With the % of Xs that are manipulative I am not sure I would risk banging on my X's door to wake an idiot HS aged kid up to get him to school. Let the officials deal with it officially while engaging them to put their official feet up BM's and the idiot spawn's asses.
And have fun.