How do you disengage when stepchild lives with you?
Seriously, how? He's 17, born a she but ientifies as male. Finished his GED last month. No desire to go to college or work other than at the shop my husband and I just opened. Employing him is not my choice and I think we're doing him a disservice. He has a rolodex of charaters in his head to help him deal with stressful situations. His room is disgusting. Turing off the WiFi gets his attention to complete his chores - trash, recycle, dishwasher. Dad does his laundry as I refuse to!!! My own child has been doing his own since he was 15! He's 25 mow. He's in his room ALL THE TIME on the computer with friends. I talk and he looks to dad to get off the hook for something I may tell him to do. Or he just stares into space until you've called his name so many times he flinches and "snaps" out of what ever trance he's in and says he's not aware of what happened. He's been living with us full time since Covid began because mom works with the public and thought it would be best. He doesn't like his mom because she's not accepting of his lifestyle, where we are VERY accepting!!! So he doesn't visit there much. There's no child support either way but mom is allowed to claim him on her taxes and benefit from any stilmulus that was given this past year. He basically doesn't engage with me unless he abaolutely has to or his friends are over, then I get the very sweet "Hi Lisa" from him like were BFFs. When he's not there, again isn't often, or my husband and I are away, it's bliss! I didn't sign up for a full time stepkid. I raised mine and he's out of the house. Advice? Suggestions? I'm realizing it's stressing me out where I don't like being home.
Sounds like typical Failure
Sounds like typical Failure to Launch - a kid with mental health issues, combined with a parent who enables and doesn't push the kid to be independent and functional. That parent would be your DH, since it's not your job to parent his kid. I'd say it's time to have a Come to Jesus meeting with your husband about his plans to help his kid launch.
Thanks. I agree. As far as
Thanks. I agree. As far as the Come to Jesus meeting, I've expressed that we aren't teaching him or doing him any favors having him work for us. This is how my husband thinks he's helping his kid launch.
Maybe - if he's held to the
Maybe - if he's held to the exact same standards as any other employee would be, made to do chores at home, get his license and save money, and the plan is for him to get a job outside of your business after a period of time of "training" him to be a good employee.
But if your DH is going to coddle him and let him show up late and not work hard, etc, then it's just more of the same.
I don't diagree with you. It
I don't diagree with you. It's not up to parents to teach theid children work skills. Set an example of good work morals and standards, yes. But the skills of working for someone not so much! Plus when I give a direction or task he glares at me. That would not fly if he was someone off the street. It happens at home too when told to put his dish in the dishwasher. I'm tired of it and don't know how to not let it get to me.
At will employment. If you
At will employment. If you are in an at will State, you can fire him for anything, Including snarky looks. Or just.... "We not longer have a role for you."
So, fire him,
This is what I fear I will
This is what I fear I will also face. I live with a SS aged 11 who is pretty much how you describe your SS. Over the last 3 years, I have encouraged SO to step up and parent that wretched boy. As he has largely failed to do that, disengaging has been almost a joy. It's sometimes very hard day to day when SS is in the house doing the same stupid behaviour and I bite my tongue hundreds of times a day. But I dump all that onto my SO. If it's something annoying in my face, I call it out directly. SO doesn't like it when I point out the obvious, but maybe he should have tackled this himself years ago. Too sad, too bad. This site keeps me sane, that's for sure! You can do it. Set your boundaries, it's your sanity and well-being over SS's and don't give that up for anyone who is not worth your time, affection and effort.
Just trying to figure out how
Just trying to figure out how to disengage with him living with us 24/7.
SAME!!! HELP!!! *help*
SAME!!! HELP!!! *help*
I'm with you. My SO is
I'm with you. My SO is raising his grandson, age 13. Let's him be as messy as he wants, cause all SO says he's doing is raising him to work, and be able to make a living. Well, I explained that a mom and dad together teach kids different things and then the child learns BOTH sides... to work, and to clean up after themselves, etc. Those things aren't important to SO. How, tho, do I "disengage" and yet ignore the messes and crap laying around? So now I have to let my home be a pig pen because I can't say anything to kid? That's the worst part to me. I can bite my tongue and not comment about his messy room, how he walks all over his grandpa and is disrespectful... but when it comes to the parts of the home I'M IN, what do I do?? I mean, this kid leaves enough water all over the bathroom floor after a SHOWER (not a bath) for us to fill our pond with! It's rediculous for any 13yo to behave this way.
Ask your SO if he's raising
Ask your SO if he's raising his grandson to spend his life alone because no woman in her right mind is going to want to marry someone who is filthy and messy. Then get your SO to do the cleaning up after his GS. Not your kid, not your problem.
I agree completely. But...
Not my kid, not my problem... I agree completely. But it IS my home ... SO is a farmer/rancher and not in the house much at all. Messes can sit for a day or 2... or 3.... It's just so strange to me that a "parent" wouldn't care about the terribly messy room (I mean, food ON THE FLOOR, literally ON THE FLOOR) or water all over in bathroom, mess on counters when GS cooks.... I mean, my SO isn't that way. He cleans up after himself all the time. Just hard to be "disengaged" yet have the daily "life" of a teen in the house. I read how others do it and it's life changing for them. I get the big stuff....but how do people deal with the little, daily stuff??
Keep reminding your SO that
Keep reminding your SO that "GS left a mess in/on/around whatever, see that it gets cleaned up, will you?" And let him decide if he does it or if he makes GS do it. Don't relent. Your SO will eventually get fed up of being his GS's maid.
I like the "see that it gets
I like the "see that it gets cleaned up, will you?" part.... That's not nasty, or rude or disrespectful... and puts it back in his court to like you said, either clean it up himself or get GS to do it. I was married before and had step-kids, but they were only over every other weekend and that was easier to deal with. This isn't what I thought it'd be. But my SO is sooooo amazing and good to me and like the other gal said, when kid is gone or it's just us 2, things are fine.
I appreciate any and all advice. I'm the type of person that confesses, I don't know everything!! I need help!! And if someone else has been through the same situation, I welcome advice and input. Bring it on!!
I like the quote as well. "..
I like the quote as well. "...see that it gets cleaned up, will you?" I'm going to try that. I'm wondering the same thing though, how do I not let the little things get to me and disengage?
And how far does disengaging
And how far does disengaging go? I mean, do I make dinner for just me and SO, or for GS too? Not that it matters, he never eats anything we prepare anyway. He lives on frozen pizza and raman noodles. UGH
Who pays for those? If he has
Who pays for those? If he has no supply of them then he'll have no choice but to eat what's on the table. Might take a few days though.
What conversations have you
What conversations have you had with DH pertaining to SS’s future and launching at some point? Is your DH doing anything in way of dealing with SS’s disassociating issues? Is he getting him any therapy to deal with his transitioning? You need to map out a launch plan with DH and hold him accountable to that plan.
SS sees a holostic therapist
SS sees a holostic therapist who thinks his way of coping with stressful situations is creative and not uncommon. I see red flags!! No therapy for the transition. Waiting on SS to say he's ready for that. It has been offered though a program in our state that was recommended my a social worker colleague...I'm in education. My husband is just happy to have his child with him as he was a stay at home dad and basically raised him. He's fine with him being in his room because he "at least knows where he is".
Had a conversation with my
Had a conversation with my husband last night about his end plan for helping SS future and launching. He has the opportunity to do a 2 year college for free and has until 1/1/22 to make that decision. He has no desire to go to college. He will be 18 next July. So my husband said if he doesn't choose school by 1/1/22 then he needs a full time job by 18. I asked what his plan is when 18 comes and SS says he can't work for a strranger, which is what we hear now. Husband said he'll tell him to see if his mother has a bed for him...which she does. That's a start I guess. All talk right now.
simple
when s/he turns 18 either he leaves or you leave.
It's my house. Been in my
It's my house. Been in my family for generations. So I'm not leaving!
Failed parenting. This kid
Failed parenting. This kid has done you a favor by finishing a GED early. You are not on the hook to support them post 18 waiting for HS graduation . Pack up their shit snd put it on the curb on their 18th birthday and re-key the locks. End of problem.
Better yet, do it now.
It’s easy to give advice but hard when you’re in it.
I'm in the thick of it myself. My husband will make comments to my lazy, manipulative SD but there is no follow through and never any consequences. He is ultimately afraid of losing her love and her desire to be around him should he actually requires her to do anything for herself. From the outside looking in, there seem to be options but it's really hard when you are living it. Carving out time for myself and focusing on the things that can make me happy is the only thing keeping me sane!
Even for highly involved
Even for highly involved SParents in close, collaborative, and effective equity life partnership there may arise a time when the SParent needs to sit their prior breeder mate down and make it abundantly clear that they must address issues with the SKid.
I adopted the "if you do not like how I parent and discipline, you can step up and get it done before I have to" model fairly early in our 27+ year marriage. We raised my SS-29 together. As equity partners and equity parents.
I only had to have the difficult sit down once. SS had stuck his head up his own ass with the help if his Spermidiot. They had hacked the firewall at his top-20 in the nation boarding school and SS failed the only class he needed to pass during the first semester of his Sr. year of HS. His mom and I were immediately on the same page that we would not pay another Cent for him to stay at that school another two semester so he could graduate so we brought him home mid year to finish his Sr. year at our local HS. I made it clear that she had to be the one to have that conversation with our son because if it came from me it would likely be misinterpreted as an asshole StepDad thing.
She went CPA on his ass. Written dialogue, spreadsheet of costs and his poor decisions, highlights of how his Spermidiot aided SS's brain fart festival his Sr. year, etc.... That immediately ejected SS's head from his own ass with a notable amount of force. She scared the shit out of that kid. He spent the rest of his Sr. year fully aware of how pissed off his mom was at him.
"Dad, mom is so mad at me. Please help me make sure she does not stay that mad at me. I don't like this" was a not infrequent topic of discussion between he and I during that Tax season while DW worked insane hours and the Skid was digging in to finish HS on time. Which he did. And with honors.
He is ultimately afraid of
I know this was a few months ago but this really resonates with me. I think my DH is afraid of messing up his relationship with his kids so he's reluctant to do certain things. I've gotten a lot of advice but when you're in the situation it feels so much harder to do what others suggest especially things that seem harsh. I've recently decided I need more friends and more things for me outside of this family to help my sanity.
I think it's very hard to
I think it's very hard to disengage when he's there 24/7. I've recently embarked on disengaging and like some others here, I bite my tongue. Unless he's in my face rude. It's not easy for you, though lucky YOU own the house. It's YOUR house, so in a few months time when he turns 18, you'll be able to kick him out. It'll be close to impossible and very difficult thing to do though. Your SO needs to be the one to do it. Will he toughen up and say the words? So hard being the step and not able to do or say things like you can with your bio.
I think it's very hard to
I think it's very hard to completely disengage but partial disengagement can work and is what I've gone for. I've been a SP for 14 years of two skids and have been very actively involved from the get go so full disengagement didn't seem possible to me. I'm only disengaging from SD, SS and I get along great.
The way I've done it is just step back somewhat from the stuff I used to do for SD and am referring all decisions on what SD does to DH. This was DH's idea to try and minimise the friction between SD and me.
The biggest change however has been in my attitude. I've just stopped being invested in the outcomes for SD. So things I used to worry about and would run around trying to make better for her, I no longer care. She's almost 17 so if she wants to mess around at school that's her life and her decision. If she doesn't bother to learn the road rules properly then also not my problem, she will quickly learn once she keeps failing her drivers test etc.
I've basically washed my hands of SD. I gave it my all and tried really hard to bond with her but I just don't like her. And nothing we have ever done has been able to change those horrible aspects of her personality. I'm just counting down until she's an adult and can go and live with BM full-time.
I can relate on so many
I can relate on so many levels,but it's so difficult when they live with you and you also have a child with stepchild's parent because disengaging isn't fair and DH sees it as favoritism. It's an ongoing battle! I try to backoff on some things with SS,but it's a bad example for our 5 yr old if his brother can play video games and not do much.
UPDATE: Avoidance
Long story short, family therapy was suggested last week by my husband to his child so the three of us can live cohesively. SC said he was good and it went from there. In the end, he called his mother, whom just the week before stated he didn't want to see but once a month, and is there now avoiding any issues that need to be resolved in our household. While my husband is hurt he also feels a sense of relief and feels that, at 17, his son is able to make this decision. He expressed how he felt it was a bad one since mom isn't very accepting. That said, my husband and I are still going to the therapist this week. In the mean time I'm still stressed because we've been here before...SC is mad at mom, comes to dad's and ignores mom, mad at dad, goes to mom's and ignores dad only to come back and say "you were right". I can't be on this rollercoaster. My husband said he can return when he agrees to therapy with us. He was so unhappy in his marriage to SS mother and "waited too long to find me" that he's standing his ground this time. Thank you for your support everyone. If you against what I have written (i.e. - SD transitioning to SS), please don't bother to comment. I WILL have it flagged for admin to review. Best!
Generally 17yos are dipshits.
They don't know what they want from one minute to the next.
Parents who punt to their children on parenting and raising themselves... well... they are idiots and deserve what they get regarding the outcome of their parenting efforts.
Sady, it is the kids who suffer.
This is my future
You just wrote my husbands future with his daughter who is 12. She's pansexual/omnisexual. She didn't know what it was until he let her get a tiktok. She also told friends she's polyamorous. when I asked her what it meant she had no clue. And all of her friends are now cutters. Nobody knew this but me. All her parents have to do is watch her tiktoks and check her phone regularly because she's 12. Both his daughter and his son who is 14 but straight are going down bad paths. My husbands sister is 27 and still lives with his dad, doesn't drive and maybe works 10 hours a week. They're all major introverts and freak out if you talk to them. I disengaged because I see what's happening and there is nothing I can do at this point. The parents don't care. My husband just thinks they're being kids. I told him to have fun when they're living with him as adults. I'll be traveling and enjoying my life since my 18-year-old son is away at college and loving his new life.
You're doing what is best for you. You can't fix that kid. All you can do is just bite your tongue. Don't allow any disrespect but any issues are up to your husband. Maybe even get separate bank accounts? Is that a possibility?
Thank you
Hi,
Thank you and I'm sorry you're seeing the same things. The bank accounts aren't an issue, though I was always told to have my own...lol. My husband has backed me more recently and that's part of the issue, that he "takes my side" when it's really he and his exwife should have done when they were together...parent! So a month ago I told my husband I was stressed and hated coming home and that for things to change we needed family counsiling. He agreed because he was feeling the stress and tension and trying to get his son and I to have a relationship to no avale. When we told my SS this he said "I'm good." This DRIVES ME NUTS! So I said "well, the rest of aren't and we're going. You don't have a choice if we are going to live tension free in this house. You can sit and not talk but you're going." He heard "you're causing the stress and tension," told his mother this, who just the week before he told his own counsleor he wanted nothing to do with, and decided to go to his mom's house for "a few days". It's been a month, he's blocked his father, doesn't reach out on his own, and doesn't plan on coming back. We were talking about selling my house and moving for on and off for a while and I've deciced to take the plunge while it's still a sellers marker. My husband texted his son and his mother about his belongings and what he should do with them, pack them for him to pick up, for us to move with us, or bring them to him. The mother said he'd come and get them but wants no human contact to avoid anxiety. My husband said he'd have to be there to which the ex said "Since when is he a person-non-grata? He's still a human being who is loving and respectful." When my husband said he's not respectful to me his ex said "This isn't about her. Let's stay on subject." So he boxed up all his things and brought them to the mother's house.
That's where we're at now. Good luck with yours.
Kids who do not know their
Kids who do not know their ass from a hole in the ground need to be given clarity that they don't know their ass from a hole in the ground rather than being humored and allowed to keep their voluntary case of Cranio-Rectitis rampaging.
Charge him rent
He's got his GED, and a job....so, charge him rent! Life isn't free, right? At 17, he's made the choice to leave traditional education, and get his GED...so, adulthood begins now!
If you start making him pay his own way, he's eventually going to want his own space.