Where do I even begin....
I've been with my significant other for almost 2 years now and shortly after we started dating he found out that he had a 15-month-old daughter.
At that point he gave me a free pass to leave but I decided to stay because I had already developed feelings for him. However had I known that my significant other had a child before we started seeing each other I would never have dated him. I don't have children of my own yet and helping raise somebody else's child before I have my own child doesn't interest me.
My significant other is literally the nicest, most patient, calmest person in the world and when he found out he had a daughter who was 15 months old he held no ill feelings towards the mother who kept it from him.
Another man has been raising this child from birth knowing that the child wasn't his he proceeded to sign the birth certificate and the child has his last name. My significant other is African and the baby's mother and partner are both white
My parents were separated before I was born and my dad raised me so I get the whole split custody, shared holidays everything like that. I do have my boyfriend and his daughter's best interest at heart, even though I have only met her once in the last year and a half. I encourage him to fight for more time with her. When this first came to light he only saw her once a month for a couple hours which I thought was laughable so he's now manage to get every other weekend which I still don't think it's enough but we're getting there.
He has not taken her to court, he is still not on the birth certificate and his daughter still has another man's last name. He doesn't want to "stir the pot" and will let his daughter decide when she is old enough to make that decision if she wants to carry his last name. I don't think that they should change her last name but her last name is hyphenated with the mothers name and I just feel like they should drop the other guys name, and that my boyfriend the biological father should sign the birth certificate. I do also think that he should take her to court just so they can have their agreement formalized because she could literally move to Hawaii and there's nothing that he could do about it.
I think because my boyfriend has handled the situation so nonchalant with zero anger that for some reason I feel that I need to be angry on his behalf. Which I know is super weird but I hold so much resentment towards the mother from taking away 15 months of this child's life with her father.
Now onto the juicy part... Dare I say that I hate this child? This poor innocent child that has done nothing to me. I want nothing to do with her. It's been a year and a half and my feelings haven't gotten any less awful.
My boyfriend is very aware how I feel as I'm not one to hide my emotions, he hopes that I'll eventually come around to the idea. And I don't really see that happening but I also don't allow myself to try. I'm not willing to compromise, I don't want to change my lifestyle for something that I did not sign up for. But don't you have to compromise for the person that you love?
I've tried to leave my boyfriend strictly on the fact that I believe that he deserves to be with somebody who loves his daughter. Our relationship really is perfect besides this factor but I think this is a HUGE factor where he doesn't think that it is that big of a deal.
Like honey your child is eventually going to be old enough to question my whereabouts - "how come I've never met your wife?". This poor innocent child should not have to deal with any traumas caused by my traumas. I want to stay with my boyfriend, I want to make this work, I want to be a better person, I want to learn how to compromise but I literally physically cannot.
Any tips?
Welcome to the site!
Given the strong negative feelings you express about hating the child and not wanting to help raise someone else's child before having one of your own, in your place I would certainly be considering ending the relationship. You are right, your BF deserves to be with someone who at least doesn't hate his child.
I think you are right - his anger is getting projected onto you because he is not owning any anger he may feel about the situation. Also, I do not think you should try and influence what your BF does with regard to court, the child's name, and all that stuff. That has to be his choice and his decision. My feeling is that you should do the generous thing, for him, but also for yourself in the long run, so that you don't have to tolerate, to use your words, something that you didn't sign up for.
I've tried to leave strictly
I've tried to leave strictly on fact that I feel that he deserves more in terms of when it comes to his daughter.
but I think this is all so new to him that he doesn't understand that. That he can still keep my relationship with him and his relationship with his daughter as two separate things.
I've left and he's begged me to come back saying that it doesn't bother him that I don't spend time with his daughter or that I'm not comfortable with it yet and that hopefully I will warm up to it but if I don't he's also OK with that.
Which I think is odd but I just think he's only had this limited amount of time with her and they haven't build a strong enough bond where he's putting her above me. So I'm hoping one day he realizes that obviously he can't stay with me if I don't warm up to the idea of his daughter even tho everything else in the relationship is perfect and these are two separate things my dislike for her has to outweigh that
Nothing has changed. Don't
Nothing has changed. Don't go back. The SD exists. That is the problem.
If you cannot be all in as his partner and the Skid's SM, and he cannot be all in on being your equity life partner and putting you and the relationship first, do everyone a favor and move on.
Kids, regardless of their biology, are always the top adult and relationship responsibility, but ... the adults and their relationship are always the unequivocal priority to each other.
This may sound heartless, but
This may sound heartless, but in this sort of situation, I think the best path for a bio father to take is to essentially "give the kid up for adoption" and let the mother and other man raise her. He can let them know that he's open to meeting the child when she gets older if she wants to. But trying to be "father" to a child who is legally someone else's child (if the other man is on her birth certificate, he is legally the father), with a mother who is perfectly willing to deny him access at her whims, is a recipe for disaster. Let me guess, he pays BM money for the "privilege" of caring for a child she won't let him legally be the father to? I get that people want to be part of their child's life, but to me, letting her go would be best for her.
Anyway - you probably need to leave him and find a childless man. Love isn't enough.
I think their coparenting is
I think their coparenting is generally pretty healthy considering the situation. My boyfriend has never brought up the birth certificate or the last name or anything about her keeping this from him for the first 15 months. He just sort of stepped up anyway that he could. He honestly wasn't even going to get a paternity test until everyone advised him to do so.
He says he doesn't want to start a fight with her when it can be avoided. He does send child support each month but she never really asked for it he just knows that if they go to court he would end up having to pay it retroactively so he may as well just pay it each month now in case they do ever go to court.
As much as I get what you're saying being raised by my dad if my boyfriend took the route that you're mentioning I don't think I could stay with him. Yes it's shitty that you lost the first 15 months of your child's life but you just gotta try to make the best of it moving forward.
Had my boyfriend then white this woman would have never told him. She would've just went along with her perfect life with her boyfriend and her child but because the child is black she really had no choice but to tell my boyfriend because what are you going to tell the child when she grows up lol
See, I think he'd be doing
See, I think he'd be doing her a favor to let her go, instead of putting her in this situation of having "two dads" and loyalty binds. Your situation was likely different, if your parents got divorced, you knew your dad and him walking away would be devastating. In this situation, he is just opening this kid up to a world of drama that could be avoided. Kids are put up for adoption all the time.
He would NOT be ordered to pay child support back to her birth, it would be to when she filed. And she would be forced to change the BC and maybe her name. She's extorting money out of him. He'd be wise to get an official Child Support order before she starts demanding more and more.
And, depending on the judge
And, depending on the judge you get, he might just be told that the child is legally someone else's, despite his paternity test and that he has no rights over her whatsoever. In that case, he would not be expected to pay child support at all. His ex's husband took full responsibility for the child even though he knew he wasn't the father.
Oh, and even if he is sending what he considers to be child support, the court can completely disregard it and consider it to be simply a "gift". Without a court order, sending money is pretty much throwing it away.
Another thought, supposing his ex denies ever having received any money from him?
Yes, all of this, though it
Yes, all of this, though it sounds like BM is not married to the guy on the birth certificate. But OP's SO is already doing the "keep the peace with BM so she will let me see my kid" dance, and we all know how that works out.
So, you hate the child and
So, you hate the child and want nothing to do with her, but also you couldn't be with your boyfriend if he had nothing to do with her? You are in a bind.
Also, he is sending money to pay for a child he has no legal right to and isn't setting any boundaries with or standing up to the BM at all? And he doesn't seem at all bothered by any of it? I am no psychologist, but maybe your anger at that situation is being transferred to dislike for the child.
I think you can't win here.
It’s not as complicated as you think
Hi: If you don’t want to date someone with kids- don’t. It’s that simple. This situation will only get more complicated as time goes on.
So if I'm I'm getting this
So if I'm I'm getting this right, you don't think you could stay with him if he decided not to be involved with his daughter, but yet you already want 'nothing to do with her'. You've answered your own question - this relationship is doomed. You cannot just have a relationship with him separate to his relationship with his daughter. It sounds *beautiful* on paper and I'm sure many on here would love the idea of that - sadly it's just that - an ideal. At less than 2 yrs old, she could potentially be in his life for a long time, so you need to either face up to that - or walk away. It's your decision ultimately.
I don’t get it
Other man is on the DD birth certificate. That makes him the legal father. The child has his last name. Your SO needs a DNA test done to make sure he's the father first of all. You can not trust someone who pulling this stuff.
Hes paying CS ? Why ? Getting DD once a month. Does he really think this child is going to think of him as her father? There many men she has contact more then 12 times a year.
Either he gets off his as* and goes to court or give up. Cutting off CS and all contact with DD and ex
The child is only 15 months
The child is only 15 months old. If you hate the child at this age when they've given you no reason to do so, then things won't get any better as they grow up. It's best you move on tbh, it won't work.
I'm on the fence on giving
I'm on the fence on giving his daughter up for adoption. If I were him, I wouldn't. Taking responsibility for a child is far more important to me than any amount of CS I would get out of paying by giving my child up for adoption.
This kid needs a responsible honest parent rather than a manipulative lying parent with a lying mate.
For sure there needs to be a DNA test. If it turns out that the OP's SO is the BioDad.... BioDad needs to go to war and destroy the person who stole his daughter and then raise that little girl in an environment of love, honesty, and respect rather than an environment of lies, manipulation, and fantasy.
I would.
I would not tolerate either the BM nor her lying SO denying my child their rightful name. If when she is an adult she chose to haver her StepFather adopt her, so be it. But... not until she is an adult.
I adopted my SS at his request when he was 22. I raised him as my own beginning in when he was a toddler. I have no doubt that pissed off the SpermIdiot to no end. Tough shit. I raised him, I am the only actual father he has ever known. He knows he is mine and I have his back. We did discuss adoption when he was a minor. He amazed me during those discussions. "Dad, changing my name or adopting me will not change that you are my dad. You are my dad. I don't want to hurt the (LastNames)." I respected him for that.
This is a very touchy and sensitive situation. My stance would be that I would not want my child manipulated by a shallow, manipulative, and lying parent and SParent. I would do anything and everything in my power to make sure that did not go un-countered.
I think giving up for
I think giving up for adoption is a serious avenue to take ,,, however as your BF isnt listed as the Bio father on the birth certificate,, the child is not his to give up for adoption,, only the father on the birth certificate can. Legally your BF has no rights to this child nor does he have to pay child support even though he is biologically the father. This is one messy messy situation and i think your BF has jumped head first into something he should be very cautious about , especially when she is quite happy to accept payments from him but put another mans name on the birth certificate who she isnt even married to. I think your BF needs to go see a lawyer and find out leaglly where he stands. It sounds like BM will whisk the kid away whenever she feels like it and all its going to do is consume your life with his mistakes,,,when i say mistakes ,,, i understand the BM may have kept this a secret from him but he also chose to have unprotected sex with someone and thats not a mistake. I think youve answered your own questions and you need to move on