New Member Looking For Advice
I am together with my husband for 11 years and married for 7. He is 14 years older than me with 4 daughters between the ages of 28 and 40. When I met him he had moved out of home for 10 years already and had been in separate bedrooms for 8. Initially I got on with them ok but once we got married it all started to break out. They have told nasty and very stupid lies about me to my husband who seems to always fall for them initially and take it out upon me. They used to come on holiday with us and bring their families for dinner but did not invite me back. They have individually sulked with their dad for up to a year without phone calls because he tackled the older ones about their behaviour towards me. They started sending cards from the grandkids rather than from them and sending photos of the kids and Christmas decorations with all their names on them to make him feel guilty. He is always the one to make the visit to make it up to them and feels guilty if he shouts at them because they burst into tears (especially the 40 year old) when he confronts them. They continually deny everything and blame me for not 'moving on'. To highlight the sort of unacceptable behaviour I talk of: On one occasion the eldest left her son's poo all over my toilet and floor to clean up when he had an accident even after I had quietly asked her if she would clean it up.
I have recently decided I want nothing to do with them for my own health and happiness and to carry out a demanding job. I do not feel that I should have to put up with this behaviour in my own home or act superficially to them in public situations like they do to me just to keep their dad happy. I frequently ask myself if I should leave because I am guessing down the line it will re-emerge. They have no problem smiling at me when their dad is looking and being very spiteful when he is not. I can't do that two faced behaviour. I am not a two faced person, have many great friends who are like me and I just do not want people like this in my life. My husband will not let me talk to them about it because he says it will just make things worse.
I read that this is a bad idea but ... I want to write to the younger two who used to get on with me if only to get closure for myself and because my husband gets on with these two much better. I have no real issues with them because I believe that they are bullied by their older sisters and are just being immature and think it is being loyal to their mum. I would like them to come to our house and talk in order to have a relationship in the future. I feel that if they read how they have behaved alongside all the things I have done for them at least they may stop trying to tell their dad that it is all my fault. And when I meet them in public I can hold my head high and just ignore them and let them behave like children if they choose. At least they will know that I can see through them. It will make me feel better so is that not something for me to move on with given that I know they will not change their feelings? Their mother and her family are very toxic so I am not hopeful of a relationship with the eldest two but maybe the youngest two?
I am looking for advice on how to deal with them and more importantly my husband. I do not want photos and items up in my house that remind me of how nasty they have been to me. He can drive to visit them whenever he wants it is not as if they live abroad. It makes me feel like I am being selfish to my husband but it is my attempt to preserve my feelings of respect for him as well. I really struggle with the fact that he can't stand up to them. He was a general in the Army and served in many conflicts abroad but seems to have no backbone around them! I have no family around and feel very alone and tempted to move away.
Please don't put
Please don't put anything in writing to them. No matter how carefully or diplomatically you phrase the letter, it will be passed around and dissected and used against you for years to come. It may make you feel better but lay down somewhere dark and quiet until the urge passes.
These people are adults. They are who they are and are not going to change. The tough military man who eats the enemy for breakfast but is manipulated by tearful women is a stereotype for good reason. So is the mean-girl who never emotionally grew past high school. You apparently are saddled with both of them.
You said that you have a demanding job. I would concentrate on that and your marriage and see as little of the SDs as possible. Eventually out of sight becomes out of mind. It has taken me a while so I get it. The resentment of past treatment can run deep. But one day you realize that you have not thought about them at all and when your DH mentions them the only reaction is a "that is nice....what do you want to do for dinner?" It is a really good feeling when you can relegate them to the status of "people you happen to know" rather than people of central importance in your life. And it will save your marriage if that is what you want to have happen.
Agree, do NOT put anything in
Agree, do NOT put anything in writing, they will use is to shred you.
You are both right !
Thanks for the advice - that is the reason I have not sent it, just typed it and dwelled on it! But you are both right !
I think my main concern is that my DH keeps trying to 'sort things out' despite me telling him to leave them be. And each time he goes to see them they twist the story of events and he comes home giving out to me. It feels like he is holding me responsible for the fact that he doesn't see his grandchildren much. He had no interest in having a family with me but has suddenly devleoped this paternal instinct -or pretends he has so that he is not bad mouthed! Perhaps I need to put it in writing to him what has actually happenned so that he might stop having these discussions with them - or at least stop coming home trying to tell me I was somehwere I wasn't doing something nasty to his lovely princesses.
Perhaps I need to put it in
Don't put anything in writing to SD's or your husband. I guarantee that he would take that letter and go running to his daughters with it. He'd think he was helping to patch things up between you and his princesses since he's in the "middle" of all of this. Your DH will do anything he can at this point to get in his daughters good graces. He'll have no qualms about throwing you under the bus if it means they'll give him more access to his grandkids. Read up on the Karpman Drama Triangle and how you will be placed in the role as oppressor anytime you insert yourself in DH and his daughters relationship. At this point, the best thing to do is remove yourself from it and step away.
Disengage completely from the
Disengage completely from the whole circus. If your DH wants to see them, he can see them whenever he wants (doesn't sound like yoiu stry to stop him) but NOT IN YOUR HOME. Shut the lies he is repeating to you immediately. Tell him you don't want to hear and if he truly loved you he'd see this crap for what it is. Ask him if he is so far over the hill he has losy his analytical skills and then ask him why he thinks you would do such things.
Then tell him that Disney daddies who don't understand that their children grow up and become independent adults are SUCH a turn off ...
Finally, writing stuff is never a good idea unless it's to let off steam and ONLY if you NEVER give it to the person involved. It's easier to disengage and live your life the way you want to.
Good Advice
That is exactly what I want to do - disengage and get back to life with adults. I love your comment about the analytical skills - that would hit him in the face like a bomb. I am just struggling to deal with all the blame being fired at me. I am glad to hear someone say that it is ok for me to say they should not visit him in my home - or have their manipulative 'presents from the GKs' displayed. I have been expected to engage in conversation about them and show an interest in what they are doing but I am sure no one is doing that to them in their homes. It is a circus as you say. THANKYOU !
Your DH cannot "sort things
Your DH cannot "sort things out." Best he can do is leave it alone and move forward. His kids don't have to like you, and you don't have to like them either. He can mourn the loss of the "happy family" he wished for, but the reality is that it won't happen and he needs to move on.
That old resentment still bubbles up for me from time to time. But mostly I can ignore the shenanigans and since I'm not actively part of my skids' lives, not much is directed my way. DH takes the brunt of their controlling behaviors, but in some ways he's paying the price for being Friend Dad rather than a good parent.
Stay out of their relationship, and focus on what makes you happy.
Thankyou for that advice.
Thankyou for that advice. Hopefully they will get bored of trying to drive me away and annoy me. As you say it is his loss becasue he could have had a family life with one or two of them in our home had he been a good parent rather than a 'Friend Dad'. Good term !
Don’t write
They want nothing to do with you, just playing games for there BF. They will used anything against you. Two, DH is not "sort things out' or he would of done it by now. He's playing games too. All at your expense.
Put nothing to anybody in
Put nothing to anybody in writing; it will be used against you regardless of wording. Stay away from this crazy dysfunction and protect yourself at all costs.
Nothing In Writing!
As others have said, don't put anything in writing! Nothing you don't want on the front page of USA Today. They will share it on FB and it will make its way around the world! That goes for anything in writing to your DH as well. Vent if you must in writing but burn it immediately! I myself have done that.
These women are jealous of your relationship with their father. In their eyes, you have taken daddy away from them. It is juvenile behavior way beyond their ages, unbelievable. They are sending daddy on guilt trips to force him into some type of action-----getting rid of you.
My DH has a daughter in her 40's and 2 sons a bit younger. We have no bio kids. The 2 sons got into criminal activity and I do not allow them to come here. Don't trust them, never will. The ultimate in disengagement.
Early on I was the reason for everything their father did and said that they didn't like. If he didn't want to go to a certain family function, well, then it was my fault. It is much easier for them to blame an outsider for things than it is a loved one. They are trying their best to drive you away.
Yes, disengage and don't play into any of their games. Hopefully, like flares, they'll burn themselves out when they find out you've turned to stone and that you're not going anywhere. If it gets to be too bad, the last choice is to leave. You have to weigh the benefits against the heartache.
Good Luck to you.
4 adult SD's? Yikes. Two is
4 adult SD's? Yikes. Two is bad enough.
First off, do not bother trying to communicate with the two youngest SD's. It will backfire.
These relationships do not get better. You need to ignore what they send to the house. My SDs send reminders to daddy of the Holy First Family and I just ignore it. They are trying to get the two of you to fight. And if you fight, you might get divorced. So don't acknowledge what they send.
Now what to do about your DH. His children are adults, not on a visitation plan to daddy's house. You do not need to be involved in their relationship, and they have made it clear they do not want you involved. Tell your DH he is free to have his relationship with his children, but it is important for your mental health to be away from the drama. If he does not care about your mental health then you might not want to be married to him. I've asked my DH why on earth I would want to spend time with people who don't want me in their family or their lives? Life is short; I am spending it with the people who love and appreciate me.
When SM's pull away from this toxicity, our DHs start realizing that life without the drama is more peaceful. Things work well for us now and the middle-aged SD's cannot figure out how to get at me now.
A final piece of advice - read up on the Karpman Drama Triangle. NEVER be the persecutor. It will always put you in a bad light. Stay silent, let the SD's dig their own graves. These daddies need to see their darlings misbehaving themselves - you pointing it out makes you the bad guy.
Just leave it
There not living with you there at a age you dont really have to deal with them. When you do see them just smile wait till it all over. If they dont like you well so be it. Dont go chasing them trying to make them like you. Just go on about your life. Whatever relationship they have with there father is there business. Just got to think some families are complicated. People don't always see each other or get along fight and argue hurt each other feelings. Just let it be take yourself out of the picture. Let them work it out themselves. You dont have to be the one to try and fix everything.
I agree with all the above
I agree with all the above regarding the letter and disengaging. If your DH is trying to force you to be involved just tell him you'd not and would rather be around the people who love you back and if it's a hill to die then he can divorce you but you will not be bullied and manipulated into getting back on that emotional rollercoaster. Encourage him to have whatever he pleases with them. If you are at an event they are at smile and say hello then go find people who you get along with that accepts you.
I would go as far as to allow your DH to put up the grandkids pictures or artwork if he wants, just don't look at it. Especially, because you said he finally stood up for you. Your goal is to focus on your marriage that's it. He will soon see who the problem is if he doesn't already. If he bring them up just say "umh hum or awwwl, etc" and change the subject. He may try to suck you back in but stand your ground. Even if you have to tell him your are not discussing this again and walk away, do it. He will either get over it eventually or you will have to make a decision for your own mental state if he can't respect your decision to jump off the merry go round.
If your DH wanted you to have a relationship with his kidults he would have demanded respect for you years ago. So do what's best for you and tell him don't tell you anything else they say about you.