Need advice fast! BM trying to sabotage our trip
Every year DH and I go away ALONE for one week. This is the only time DH and I can get away ALONE( no stepskids) due to the way the stupid custody schedule is set up per family court. We don't even get a full weekend to ourselves. There is no changing it unless BM agrees and she NEVER agrees.
Anyways we tell BM EVERY year at least three months in advance when we are going away since she will need to watch the kids. BM hates this. BM has NO LIFE and it pisses her off to no end that we go away without the kids and have fun. BM feels DH should be using all his "vacation time" from work taking care of the kids on sick days or bringing them to dr visits not going off and having fun with me. She chose to devote her life to the little monsters and expects DH to do the same. How dare he give up his precious parenting time with "the children" and go away with me even though its in the court order both parents can do this.
SO we told BM last month we would be going away the first week in NOV and she would need to watch the kids. Last week BM texted DH that step kids dr appointment got canceled and got moved to the first week of NOV! DH called the DR office and yes it was the DR who canceled it do to being over booked not BM BUT there were other days BM could have picked. Now BM pulled this crap three years ago and refused to move the appointment and luckily we happened to be in family court for another reason(never ending with this bitch) so we were able to bring it up to the judge and he made her change it. Well now we are NOT in court so there is no judge to go running to. DH has texted her back stating he called the office and there are MANY other days for the kids to go to their appointments so she needs to pick one when DH is not away.
Now you may say why does DH JUST NOT GO and miss this appointment??? I would be fine with this BUT DH suffers WICKED from divorced daddy guilt which is not helped by manipulating step kids and a BM who throws in his face how she devotes her WHOLE like to "the children". Anyone want to puke as I know I do??? So DH feels the need to go to dr appointments.BM knows DH will not miss an appointment so she purposely picked a day we were going to be gone knowing DH would never not show up so inturn will mess up our vacation plans.
So help! What can we do as I'm sure she will refuse to change the appointment like she did last time.
You go on your trip as
You go on your trip as planned. Hopefully, your husband will have the balls to join you and not let BM run his life. Seriously, it's one appointment, he needs to get over it.
Your dh needs to grow some
Your dh needs to grow some balls and say 'change it'- if she doesn't- he doesn't show. Don't give her fair warning-just not show up. Your idiot dh realizes that most times even in INTACT homes both parents don't go to these right? That is the stupidest thing I've heard so far in the forums-has to go to all Dr appts? WTH??? GIrl you will have a major problem on your hands if he doesn't deal with that bs guilt parenting.
Right? I don't remember both
Right? I don't remember both of my parents taking me to the doctor or the dentist, and they were married to each other. I mean, maybe when I was a baby and they were new parents, but....
OMG, my DH goes to more
OMG, my DH goes to more medical appointments for the skids than I can count. Of course it's because BM is a lying liar who lies, but who's counting?!
Seriously, though, every time there's an appointment scheduled, we have to decide whether he needs to go. Ortho appointments are a yes everytime (she's spending our money), for example. Other appointments it just depends on what BM is trying to do this time. We've asked for medical decisionmaking, but are unlikely to get it.
Yeah, I kind of get the ortho
Yeah, I kind of get the ortho appointments, regarding money. But OP's husband being guilted into going to every appointment is a bit much.
Your DH could just reschedule the appointment himself
And inform BM after the fact. Shady, but doable.
that was the same thought I
that was the same thought I had. He’s their father if he can take them he can reschedule as well .
Your H needs to SHUT DOWN
Your H needs to SHUT DOWN this f@ckery NOW!!! Giving her so much power to run his life like this is ridiculous. He better get it together soon because living at BM's mercy is no way to live.
DR appointment can be scheduled for the next week
So you can go away, seams like the time of DR appointment is not that important, or else, DR would not change it.
you need alone time. And see the DR the next week when your are home. You can not let BM get away with This. Or it’s alwsys going to be like this. You will never be able to go away.
If your DH allows BM to
If your DH allows BM to sabotage your trip, he's an idiot. There is no reason for him to attend a routine doctor's appointment during a time when you're scheduled to be on vacation. All he has to do is tell her the date doesn't work for him and then not show up if she doesn't change it. If he wants to cancel your trip to attend the appointment, it's all on him, because he is being ridiculous, not to mention incredibly unfair to you. If he wants to cancel, I'd go without him. Enjoy some time alone, or take a friend. And when you get back, prioritize him the same way he prioritized you.
With the exception of new baby appointments (where both parents want to be there) or appointments to deal with serious health issues, I don't see why you'd need two parents to attend a medical appointment. I'm sure he could find some way to assuage his guilt other than to unnecessarily schlep to the doctor's office with his kids.
This should be changed to DH
This should be changed to DH is sabotaging our trip by allowing BM to still control his time.
I'm with the others. If DH
I'm with the others. If DH allows BM to sabotage your trip over ONE measly doctor's appointment, then BM is not really your issue - DH is. Unless they are deciding which arm to amputate, I'm thinking he can miss an appointment and it won't traumatize his kid for the rest of kid's life.
It's honestly pretty absurd that he would even consider this a reason to not go on vacation. If he did, I'd go without him (and maybe not come back).
We live 1300 miles from SS.
We live 1300 miles from SS. For the specialist appointments when we suspected fictitious disease disorder, we did teleconference for the appointment. That way DH could be there, without being there.
Hey Justmaking---wow YOU dh
Hey Justmaking---wow YOU dh is very very lucky your bm agreed to this. We didnt know when the appointments were because bm either didnt tell dh until after the fact,,,OR bm switched dates and dh showed UP and kid was already seen a few days earlier. Last but never least// finally bm blocked dh from EVERYTHING. Except the child support deposit of course.
As I recall...
It was less about BM allowing it and more about her DH having to contact doctors' offices and make arrangements to be involved. I believe the BM in justmaking's case is COMPLETELY non-cooperative.
I have always been impressed that the doctors allowed this. We've found doctors' offices to be less than helpful unless DH is in the room.
Nengooseus---oh believe me
Nengooseus---oh believe me when I say BM has prevented, sabotaged, interfered, purposeful 'errors', omissions, "MISTAKES", " I didnt knows"....
You name it..it has been done AND said
Yeah, there was no agreeing
Yeah, there was no agreeing to shit.
We had to track down his doctors (BM's kept those hidden). I literally just started calling doctors offices in the surrounding towns (They live in a no stoplight town in the middle of nowhere) until I found his primary. Then we had to present custody orders and his birth certificate and copies of ID's, DH then added me to everything to keep things running smoothly. Then we were able to track down specialists. Then we had to talk to the doctors privately before the appointment. THEN we were on the phone wether BM liked it or not. She didn't have a choice in the matter. DH was on the phone or she could leave. She had to drive 2 hours to get there so she stayed.
Most doctors offices have patient portals now. I check SS's 2X a week. I have a reminder pop up in my outlook at work. I do the same with his school.
BEFORE anyone goes all- "you are too involved", I am as exactly as involved and me and my husband want. He is in the Navy and often doesn't have the capabilities to check things like I do. I send the info to him and he get's it when he has an outside email internet connection and does what he needs to with the information. All I do is check and report it back to him if there is anything going on.
Easy fix
Change the appointment to the week before when DH can take the kid if needed. Or go and tell BM to pound sand.
Our BM used to get peeves at us when we told a vacation alone. The first year she blasted DH via text. After that she had MSS send hate messages while we were on vacation to try and ruin our time. Finally DH got smart and turned his phone off while we were gone. He knows if they needed him for an emergency they could get ahold of me but BM didn’t have the guts to send nasty messages to my phone.
Go and have fun. Your DH will have to get over the guilty daddy crap
I totally agree with everyone 100 percent
I know DH is a spinless guilt ridden coward who can't stand up to either his brats or controlling exwife. DH is the non-custodial parent and since BM made the appointment the office won't let DH change it. Yes messed up I know. I can't really go away without him as since this is our ONLY vacation we get a year its planned to be romantic and would not work alone or with a female friend.Plus I would be SO pissed I could not enjoy myself.
I know its so screwed up he feels like he can't miss an appointment. This kids are selfcentered brats and where most kids could care less if "daddy' went or not this kids would make a stink and DH would hear about it. Again its from them thinking the world needs to stop just for them. BM's doing.
Is he having
Is he having an organ transplant? An amputation? Sex re-assignment surgery? If not then he needs to tell the kid that he can't make the appointment but he will be calling the doctor to speak with him as soon as he gets back to go over everything with him. That way the little darling can be gradually eased into the realization that the world does not stop when he gets a check-up and a lollypop. (eyeroll)
Here's the thing:
Here's the thing:
Until YOU make it more painful to cancel plans with YOU than with BM, you'll ALWAYS come in last place. Always. Kids could be 50 years old and you'll get the shaft over and over again.
I'd tell my DH in no uncertain terms that he can either come on vacation with me or he can move his crap into BM's house. And no, you aren't joking. He doesn't get to mess up YOUR plans just because BM is trying to mess with him.
It's a 30 minute doctor's appointment. He can get the notes when he gets home. If he feels *that* desperate to attend, he can call in to the doctor's office for a teleconference. But, really, this is asinine.
This should be a dealbreaker. This is the ONE trip you two get and he's going to let 30 minutes ruin it. It will happen with EVERYTHING you hold dear. If you have a kid, she'll have a reason he NEEDS to take the kids while you're in labor. If you have a dying relative or have to go to the funeral, she'll have a reason he NEEDS to be with his kids.
This will go one forever with everything until you say enough is enough. Let this be the "enough" stage so that you don't end up at a point where he isn't available when you actually need him.
And for the love of all things, STOP giving BM notice. She has abused her privilege, and now she gets to deal with being the CP full-force. If she is going to try and ruin your plans, then she doesn't get to know them.
100%THIS
100%THIS
If he refuses to go on the vacation, you should end the relationship. This IS a draw a line in the sand moment. She is trying to control your relationship, if he lets her...well, then he isn't worth it.
TRUTH!!!
This so much! I am struggling right this minute with a manipulating BM to my ADULT SS that is making me rethink contnuing this. If you alloq it to continue, it will. I agree with so much. Wish I had taken this advice long ago.
Nailed it!
This is some of the best advice I have seen on STalk in my 11+ years here.
It's not just BM's doing. HE
It's not just BM's doing. HE'S doing it too, when he will stop his "world" (vacation with you) to attend a routine medical appointment. He's telling them that they are more important than you, that even a simple appointment they don't care about is much more important than what you've looked forward to for months. Lt. Dad is right - this will happen repeatedly unless you make DH understand this is unacceptable to you.
This all on your husband not
This all on your husband not BM.
Sure it was a dick move on mom's part to schedule the appointment when she did, but dad has to own the stupidity of making the CHOICE to skip out on vacation in order to attend.
As long as you continue to accommodate his stupidity( cancel your trips)he won't change. If you take that vacation without him, I bet he will start to rethink how he handles BM.
Right now there aren't any consequences for him disappointing you in order to please BM. Once he understands that you won't put your plans on hold for stupidity, things will change.
EXACTLY!! Disney Fan has it!!
You have to make him much more afraid to break a commitment to YOU than to her! Plain and simple!!
So, does your DH not have any authority?
He may not be custodial but doesn't he have equal legal and medical rights as BM? If yes, he can very definitely change the appointment and tell them he will inform BM.
I agree with the others, you have a DH problem. I think it's commendable that he goes to all the appointments (my DH didn't and just crabbed about results), but if there's nothing critical going on with the child then missing one appointment is not going to be a problem.
Why is your husband so afraid
Why is your husband so afraid of the kids mom?
Since dh is ncp, SHE is in the position to make sure the kids get to the doctors appointment IF she decides not to, that is on her then isnt it. Guess she forgot that.
Maybe this will help?
BM if you cant take the kids to the dr appointment YOU made and wont allow me to change,,,, dont worry, I wont run to my lawyer and complain your an awful mom for not "CO-Parenting" and BEING FLEXIBLE".
I will be happy to make the appointment to fit MY schedule not yours---it's UP to you. YOU decide ok?
I also agree that IF dh has
I also agree that IF dh has joint custody which means he has input to medical, education and religion HE CAN change the appointment.
IF bm has sole custody (rare these days)...then he cant do anything according to the law ...some bm's act like they have sole custody when they don't.
Please look at custody order, OK?
Eh, some offices don't want
Eh, some offices don't want to play the game of two parents repeatedly cancelling and rescheduling appointments because they can't work together. As someone in health care, I get that. And there is nothing stopping BM from cancelling his appointment and rescheduling it again during the week he's gone.
By NO means life threatening
Stepkid goes to a nurse practitioner every three months for his ADHD/mood problems bullshit to go over how the meds are working and such. BM LOVES bringing up in family court(they go often) how she is the better parent because all she does/gave up for the brats and DH does not do the same. Unfortunately family court loves this and looks to BM as a martyr which makes DH hang his head in shame.
BM also has a nasty habit of lying when DH is not around. The few appointments he did miss BM went crazy telling lies about stepkids behavior and making stuff up about DH. Part of DH problem is he feels he needs to be there to keep BM in check as she won't tell any lies with DH there to prove her wrong.
Ok? So is he going to live
Ok? So is he going to live his life at bm's whims? And fear that the court is going to look at him weird for missing one (standard) dr appointment?
If so, that will be YOUR life too. Are you prepared to live your life per bm whims? Never being able to do something, unless bm approves?
Yes, exactly. BM has his
Yes, exactly. BM has his balls firmly in her grasp. To ruin your entire vacation, all she has to do is make a doctor's appointment.
So what if she tells some lies about him at one 3 month appointment? If this NP doesn't have BM's number by now, then she never will and nothing DH does will make a difference.
He's letting BM control his life, and therefore yours. Figure out how to go on vacation without him, or this crap will continue.
Like I said, this is a simple
Like I said, this is a simple teleconference to solve the issue and you still go on the trip.
I have a kid who is ADD, his dad has never - not even once - gone to any of his appointments. Not when he was local, not long distance. ADHD isn't that big of a deal and they do the appointments every 3 months because the meds are controlled a controlled substance, it's not like it is because of SS. This is an easy skip appointment.
My assumption is that BM is
My assumption is that BM is the CP. She can suck it up and care for the kid while the NCP refused visitation for a trip. That is the one advantage that the NCP has. While the CP must surrender the kid for CO's NCP visitation, the NCP doesn't have to take their CO'd visation.
I would not even discuss it with BM. What the NCP schedules and when they schedule it is none of the CP's business.
The CP cannot put the kid onto the NCP without the NCP's agreement.
DH needs to know what his strengths under the CO system are and protect your time and your vacation.
DEAD ON with BM being the CP
BM also knows she can't force DH into taking his visitation or force DH to give up his kid free vacation with me. BM also knows DH would never miss an appointment so in turn this is how she F@cks us. Make an appointment when we have plans, refuse to cancel, know DH will not miss an appointment. Bang! gets her way. DH has to give her notice or she can refuse. Its in the court order so DH has no choice to tell her.
Just ONCE I would LOVE DH to tell BM "I've got plans and I won't be there". Holy hell step brats would throw such a fit and BM I think her head would explode as she would NEVER see that coming.
He's not going to do that
He's not going to do that until you make clear that you won't just say, "OK dear," and go along with canceling the vacation.
If you don't want to go where you were planning to go, take whatever money you get back after canceling and go somewhere else. Please don't just let DH think that you are OK with this.
You need to make it clear to
You need to make it clear to him that is exactly what you expect him to do!
You need to make it clear to him that he should care more about upsetting his CURRENT partner, and less about upsetting his EXwife.
Seriously? Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? If you do not draw the line, you will!
DH should pre-arrange with
DH should pre-arrange with the Doc to call him so DH can attend the appointment via telephone. No need to give up the trip for a 30min doc appointment. That way DH can bare BM's ass if she tries any of her usual shit and ... you and DH can enjoy your vacation.
It is time for DH to put his foot up BM's ass and his kids' asses. He needs to be a man, parent, be confident and keep the standards of behavior and performance firm, strict, and not give any quarter to his X or their kids.
Ever.
"DH has to give her notice or
"DH has to give her notice or she can refuse. Its in the court order so DH has no choice to tell her."
Why does he have to give her notice about a trip that the kids are not going on????
How much notice is required? If it just says notice, then he could inform her as he's boarding the plane.
This is ridiculous.
He should have stayed married to her seeing as he loves being her gimp.
Without reading any of the other comments
Without reading any of the other comments yet, first let me say I understand how DH feels but to be quite honest I have never heard of both parents attending all doctor appointments for any reason even if they are still together. Is it really necessary is the child very sick with a disease? If not I don't see the need at all and it's crazy!!!
If they really seem to be this 50/50 parent deal, then ok if he really feels he needs to go to this appt. have him call that doctors office right up and say so and so (the step kids name) has an appt November whatever, we need to change that to, and pick a date. try to make it before your vacation if they have it. That way it won't spoil your trip. He is the parent too and he has every right to change the apt. and he should or if he doesn't feel he can than he needs to skip it and go on vacation!!!
In my experience, it doesn’t matter with appts
If the dad is at the appointment or not, BM will still spin stories and possibly do it at other appointments she doesn’t tell DH about. Best DH could do is send a letter for his kids file with how things are going. Then it doesn’t look like a competition or jousting match at the appointment.
DH here tried going to appts to give his input. BM still had her way.
I also have had the experience of “but I have to because I’m the dad” thrown in my face to make it look like I’m being crazy, ridiculous, and selfish and as an excuse to ignore me or things related to me.
Dont fall for it.
I don't even attend
most doctor's appointments for the two still at home lol. I work (a lot) and DH is retired and works very very part time. The two at home are ours together but honestly I haven't attended a non-emergency appointment for any of the kids in years (including the two that are just mine). DH has handled it all for almost a decade. Before mine were adults I hadn't attended an appointment with my ex since our younger one was three and that was only because it was an emergency.
So as a married couple DH and I split the difference when it comes to taking care of business and your SO and his ex can do the same. If he is concerned he can email the doctor's office and give his take on current behaviors. Or he can make an additional appointment when he is available to follow up. There is no reason to cancel a trip over this.
NUCLEAR
I am imagining my reaction if my husband tried to torpedo a much looked forward to holiday- NUCLEAR.
I can't believe he goes to every appointment with her. It is ALL about control, not about any medical need the kid might have. She is pulling the strings and it is 'DANCE MONKEY DANCE!!' from your husband.
We are off to Hamilton Island in the Whitsundays in a few weeks. If you ever get the chance, go. It is MEGA. If DH tried to not go or cause any unnecessary bullshit because he 'needed' to attend a GP appointment for his lying daughter who craves attention by making up illnesses, I think the marriage would just about wither on the vine in that very instant.
DH can't see through the FOG
I don't wish to sound brutal but - You are enabling your DH to pander to BM whims by not setting boundaries and expectations regarding your vacation time together. I understand your reasons, however here's the rhetorical question, are they merely excuses so you don't have to risk rocking the boat and upsetting DH or getting him to recognise priorities/responsibilties and see through his FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt). I've been there, BM making dentists appiontments, demanding that we have the skids on our scheduled time, accusing DH of being a bad parent etc.
Once you have rescued DH's balls from his ex wifes purse, tell him to contact the Doctors directly, inform them you won't be there and would they call you with an update as soon as the appt is finished. If that is not suitable could DH make an appointment as soon as you return so he can be updated on his childs medical needs/condition.
That would circumnavigate BM's nonsesnse.....for now!
Of course she'll blow a gasket - If you stand up to her, anticipate her extinction burst and stay strong.....you may get a life of your own (we did)
I can't add anything that hsn
I can't add anything that hsn't already been said - but take a look at all the above posts. Not one person has said 'You're being unreasonable, cancel your holiday'. Please, stand your ground over this one because otherwise the manipulation of BM/SKs will never end. And from this point forth, they need to do doctor's appointments etc separately. Having both parents attend is ridiculous.
I don't get it. I will do
I don't get it. I will do anything to get out of appointments, I seriously chose a Doctor ACROSS THE STREET that the kids can take themselves to. I do email with the Doctor but for routine crap, I don't go.
Sorry, can't help you. I think your husband is being ridiculous.
Really, what this says to BM,
Really, what this says to BM, and what she wants it to say to you, is that SHE and the kids that SHE gave birth to, are more important to your husband than you are.
The first thing my DH told me when we started dating, was that he would not allow BM to use his daughter to manipulate him... and he never did. She tried and it backfired in her face every time. Did he ever feel bad that he wasn't there for his daughter every single day? Yes, but staying married to BM was not an option so he worked through it. He was not about to let BM run his life after they split, like she did when they were married. He did not want to continue being miserable because of her.
Your husband needs to man up and get past the guilt. If he was going to live the rest of his life making decisions based on guilt, he should have stayed with BM or, at least, not gotten into another relationship.
Has him doing all of this pandering changed anything? No. BM still throws it in his face that she's the devoted parent, she still tells the kids whatever she wants to convince them that she's the parent that really cares, blah, blah, blah.
Mom is the custodial parent,
Mom is the custodial parent, right?
Just go on your trip. There's no penalty for your husband not using every available second allowed by the CO.
Don't tell BM you're not coming to pick up the kid either, just go, and ghost her until you get back from the vacation.
(Ghosting might be extreme, but I most certainly wouldn't entertain the FIT she'd have.)
...
I'm really hoping all this drama over a routine dr office med check is for the 11yr old and not the 17 year old.
I can not get over the idea that a 17 yr old would want and demand Daddy and Mommy both attend his appointment.... and the 11yr old, well you've already told us how BM will reward this kid if he pleases BM aka throws a fit and makes Daddy feel like sh*t.
I'm curious. When was original appointment? Was it the week before your scheduled trip? Two weeks? The day before you were to leave. If the dr rescheduled the appointment , obviously having on on such and such a day isn't that big of deal. As to the ADHD meds besides checking kid's blood pressure and making sure he's still breathing not much more going to occur. When is the last time kid's meds were adjusted/changed? How long has he been on them?
Forget for a few minutes that Nov 1st is the day you and hubby start your one week vacation and have DH think of it as instead (example) work related. If he had a mandatory work meeting Nov 1st, one he must attend or risk losing his employment, would he be still dragging his feet, worried about missing one routine dr appointment and panicking how the skids and BM will react? Pfffft, of course not. His buns would be in the meeting.
Wait wait WAIT op.....
Wait wait WAIT op.....
DAD has them every single weekend. court ordered??????? Correct? Why.?..doesnt the mom want to spend "no school" time with her kids?
Good Luck
He can miss one appointment.
He can miss one appointment.
SD's BM doesnt go to ANY appointments even urgent ones. Ha
And to add- for 3 YEARS or
And to add- for 3 YEARS or more your dh has not made you a priority in trying to ammend that ridiculous CO to allow for a full weekend for yourselves ? It would also benefit bm and the kids. Parents need full weekends w/their kids to travel, fun activities, etc...and then the other weekend a break....like almost every divorced parent in the country...yet somehow THEY are different and love to meddle/control dads life still? And you're putting up with this?
You don’t get any weekends?!!
You never get any weekends to yourselves without the kids?!!! Jesus wept!!
BM tried this and STFU when DH said ‘so what, you don’t want to spend ANY free time with your own children?’