Am I over reacting
Hello, this is my first time here...
My husband and I have been marry for 1 year. He has 3 children a teenager 16 a boy 10 and daughter 8. I just wanted to know is it common for a step mother to feel like her husband picks his kid over her.
I love my Step children but I can’t help to feel this way. I currently dont have children of my own. My husband always tells me I will understand when I have kids.
For example our anniversary is coming up and it will be our first year so I made plans for us to enjoy a weekend together. Since I start college again and it becomes hectic. His family made plans to take all kids to the water park before school season start and he just cancelled my plans without consulting me and made plans with them.
It just made me feel upset and I don’t know if im over reacting and be more understanding since the kids don’t live with us we have them during the weekends only or really be upset about this.
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Welcome to the site!
Unfortunately, it is common for a step mother to feel that her partner prioritises his kids over her - a lot of the posts here are about that very thing. Some fathers get afraid that unless they agree to everything the kids or the bio mother demand - they will not see the kids any more. This is usually not true - but the Dads don't see it. They are happy to let their partners down time and time again, rather than ever say no to SKIDs or BM. If I were in your place I would let DH know that cancelling your anniversary plans is not OK - particularly without even consulting you first. If you had discussed it together you might have been able to come up with a compromise - but he is treating you as if you are of no importance whatsoever.
Thank you for your words, I
Thank you for your words, I spoke to him about it that It was not okay. Every other day I would be more understanding but I am a person that likes to celebrate special days and the little things in life. But he didn’t see it that way.
He cancelled your anniversary
He cancelled your anniversary plans to spend time with the skids?!? How did you respond? Please tell me you took his credit card & booked yourself in for a spa weekend away or are planning something fabulous with your friends - on DH’s dime.
It’s common for divorced dads to parent out of guilt & to expect the new wife to be ok in the backseat all the time. You don’t have to, and shouldn’t, put up with that crap.
I was upset and disappointed
I was upset and disappointed and told him about it. But he says that I am putting him in a harsh situation because his kids wanted to be there with their family. & that it was just an anniversary that could be celebrated any other day.
but thank you for your word they encourage me that I should not be waiting home being upset because of the situation and maybe a day by myself will help me relax.
I can’t help but feel like this would be an never ending problem in our relationship
You didn’t put him in a harsh
You didn’t put him in a harsh position, he put himself in that position by cancelling something that was important to you in order to appease his children. You’ve called him out, which made him uncomfortable, so naturally he’s trying to make it out that you’re the one causing problems. Classic gaslighting.
Is there a reason his kids can’t go to this family thing without him? If he wants to be *happily* married then he needs to learn to prioritize his wife over his kids where appropriate. Kids do not and should not come first all the time, the marriage should always be the number one priority. All he’s teaching them is they’re the most important, which will turn them into entitled little snots nobody wants to be around. Not to mention ruin his marriage.
HE is causing this issue, not you.
The reason was they didn’t
The reason was they didn’t fit in their aunts cars.
I told him then they can go
I told him then they can go another time they’re always together either way we do play dates and they all come over. But he didn’t want them to miss out
So he’d rather his wife miss
So he’d rather his wife miss out on something she’s looking forward to than his kids miss out on one outing. Still not ok. At absolute minimum he should have discussed it with you instead of making it out that you’re the bad guy. You’re not.
And I love the whole "an
And I love the whole "an anniversary can be celebrated any time", as if the water park is only open on that ONE day a year. God Forbid he ask his family to reschedule because it's his anniversary.
Yes, OP, this is likely to be an ongoing problem. At the very least he should have consulted with you.
It’s common but not okay and
It’s common and not okay and it doesn’t matter if you do or don’t have your own kids.
I have one bio and my DH has two. My DH prioritizes them over me all the time. That’s how it goes when you “parent” out of fear and guilt and believe your duty is to make sure they are happy. I do not prioritize my son over DH. That’s what happens when you parent out of love and respect (for your spouse and your children) and believe your duty is to raise a child into a functioning adult.
Your husband was rude and
Your husband was rude and inconsiderate and there is no excuse for him to do what he did. Kids don't automatically trump the marriage. And if he thinks that they do, he should not have re-married.
That how I see it. In my home
That how I see it. In my home I remember my mother always put my dad first but as kids we seen it as a act of how much she loved him. my mother in law is the same way with my father in law.
sometimes I think he feels guilty about it.
& that it was just an
& that it was just an anniversary that could be celebrated any other day.
Wow, what a jerk. DH and I don't do much for our anniversary, anymore, but we have been together for 23 years and don't have young kids (I have none, his is now an adult) so we can celebrate anything, anytime we want, but your first anniversary should be special.
If this is how he sees the marriage and your role in his life as his partner, I would be concerned. I understand the guilt but that is something he is going to have to deal with, and not by trying to make up for it by jilting you. Trying to make up for a divorce by putting the kids first is not healthy for anybody.
First of all, there is no "making up" for a divorce. Nothing he does can change the fact that it happened. Yes, it's very hard on kids but they can and will adjust but not if everyone around them puts them in the role of victims.
The very least he could have done, was talk to you about it. He is married, now, and cannot just be making decisions for the both of you on his own. I mean, just canceling your plans? I just can't even....
DH is right about one thing
DH is right about one thing you will learn when you have children....you will realize that you dont "love" his children, they will become an even bigger burden and your child will be all that matters to you. The skids will be nothing but a nuisance. I pray you dont have kids with this man.
You can see where you stand in family
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The kids will always be first
The kids will always be first. Trust me I'm learning that lesson. I am on my way out of this ship. I am now in RWB status. That's roommate with benefits. I'm too old for this crap. But his kids will be number one always.