My heart is breaking today.

Last night I told my SO I think it's best if we have some distance, and that next week I plan on going to stay...I don't know where, but somewhere else for a few days. I really don't have any good options of places to go, which makes this harder.

Honestly, this isn't what I want at all, but I also am not going to be a doormat to someone who seems to have made the decision somewhere along the way that they can say whatever contemptful things they want to me and not even have to apologize for it, or consider my feelings in anything. This has been building for a while- Things have been rocky, in the way that when we fight, he has been very out of line with the things he says. He's cruel. He doesn't fight well and never has, and aside from skids, it's been our biggest issue. In the past, he would apologize and have remorse, but lately it seems he expects to be able to say what he wants and I'm just supposed to take it. He likes to say "I would seriously think about what you're going to say before you say it", or, "You're about to find out how pissed off I can be". *eye roll*

Mind you, this is all talk. He is not physically abusive or violent, nor would he be (please don't go down the path of, "he will become physically abusive", because he isn't and wouldn't, Is he capable of being a total a*shole? Absolutely.). It's an intimidation tactic, he's all bark and no bite. Sometimes he says this to skids when they really piss him off. It's a threat of punishment, except there is no punishment. If anything, he retreats the minute he gets mad and goes off to sulk and ignore me and cool down. My response to these statements is always something along the lines of "Really? What are you going to do? Get mad? I'm not going to walk on eggshells and not say things because I'm going to piss you off, you're going to be mad anyway".  Needless to say, him saying this is not ok period, and it doesn't work with me anyway.  

This all came to a head last night: I got home from work, my SO walked in, skids were at a concert that I was going to pick them up from since he would be in bed sleeping for work. He immediately had kind of an attitude, which is not the norm.

I asked if he had talked to Crazy about splitting spring break- it's next week, and per the CO, they have to figure out how to split vacation. Skids go by her tomorrow, and would normally come back by us Monday, but I figured they would stay by her until Wednesday. We are taking them to the Mall of America next Friday, and that is a long car ride and lots of time with skids! Inside, I was doing a happy dance about spring break because that's 2 more nights to myself! His response to my question if he had talked to her about splitting time was "No". I said, are you going to talk to her about it? He said, No. I said, ok....then what's the plan, since it's spring break? He said "I'm not goign to say anything about it and I hope she doesn't bring it up, I just plan on getting them on Monday like normal and keeping them the whole week. SD has a Dr. Appt. Tuesday where she has to be put under anesthesia, so it's just easier this way, and I took off work that night". Really? I'll give you one guess who is with them the other nights while my SO works. So he has just made this unilateral decision that affects me, without consulting me. KNOWING how much I love my alone time. I said, ok, but this affects me too....I live here too. Of course he got all pissed off and started walking away saying "nope, I'm not doing this, we're done talking about this".

Except no, because you don't get to make decisions that affect me and I just sit quietly and take it. I remained calm and said, but this affects me, I don't think it's asking too much that you would talk to me about it before deciding this. He swore a few times, and started acting like a child, every time I would talk (he was in the bathroom with the door shut at this time, btw), he would try to cut me off. I was half-expecting him to put his fingers in his ears and sing "lalalalalalalala" to block out the sound of me talking. I said, We are going to the Mall of America next wknd, that's a lot of time, so yes, I wouldn't mind a few nights off before then. Well that was the wrong thing to say. He took it as, I have to go to the MoA with them, which is bad enough, so I need time away from them. That's not what I meant, I actually have been looking forward to MoA. I tried to explain that, and that this doesn't even really have anything to do with skids, I just like having nights to myself and I should be included in convos about it. He said I just always want "my own way", and if he doesn't bend to my will then I freak out, and it's "always something". I always have some issue about skids and just have to voice that I disagree with him. I said, it's not like I ever get my way- I tell you my opinion and you tell me that you're going to handle it how you see fit, the end. You don't actually do what I want anyway. But I live here too and yes, you're going to hear my opinion, that's how relationships work. I'm not here just to be a warm body with skids when it's convenient for him. He said "Nope, you'll get your days off, the kids will go by Crazy for Tues/Wed, so you don't need to worry about it anymore". I said, I just want to be a part of the decision since it affects me- I had started the convo by saying "this affects me", and you got all mad about that. No matter what I said, you would have gotten mad because I wasn't just going along with what you wanted. I said, how could I have started this convo that wouldn't have made you mad?  He said that when he told me skids were going to be here the whole week I should have just said "Ok". 

So, I should have just kept quiet and let him disregard my feelings, essentially. Apparently this is a dictatorship.

He went on to say that I just shouldn't go to MoA if it's such a burden to be with skids, he didn't give a sh*t if I didn't go, and it would probably be easier because he wouldn't have to worry about making sure to include me in activities instead of me just "joining in like a grown up".

I will admit, I can do better with this joining in thing. I'm not trying to be a baby about it, but I have this issue that if someone doesn't invite me, they don't really want me there. It's my own thing that I'm sure stems from a long history of rejection by pretty much everyone in my life, and it's hard for me to accept that I'm part of my SO's and skids family now and am always included when I want to be. He doesn't understand my fears or my history, so it becomes this whole thing.

I told him I don't know what has changed or if his feelings have changed, but lately he says what he wants with no remorse, and it's not ok. I want a partnership and for my feelings to be considered. I calmly told him I've been thinking about it, and I think I'm going to stay somewhere else for a few days next week to give us some distance. That I love him and I want this to work but we aren't fixing things the way they are, so maybe we take a few days and go from there. He said "You do what you need to do step-girfriend", in a tone that indicated he could care less, and put his headphones in to go to sleep.

I don't want this- it didn't used to be like this. But I also am not a doormat and this isn't the kind of relationship I want. I hope we can work it out, somehow, but we won't if he keeps handling it the way he is. I know he does care, believe it or not, and he's a tough guy and his instinct is to be harsh and act like he doesn't, but it's hurtful and not ok.  

Last night I was in the living room crying, and SS came out of his room to go to the bathroom and saw me.  He came by me and asked what happened, what was wrong. I told him I'm fine and it was ok, and said goodnight. Last night, after the convo with my SO, I snapped at SD for eating ALL of the watermelon I had cut in one sitting. It was not meant to be eaten all at once. Food isn't free and she had already had dinner and a dessert, she wasn't even hungry yet ate it all anyway. I was harsher than necessary, and she went upstairs to her room and went right to bed without saying goodnight. I knew I was taking it out on her, so this morning I apologized and told her I had a bad day and shouldn't have been so harsh...but at the same time I was thinking, what happens if this ends up being the end? As much as skids drive me nuts, I do care about them and the thought of not being in their lives makes me sad. I started crying. SD just looked at me and said it was ok that I snapped at her. So now I've cried in front of both skids, although they have no idea why. Gah.

My SO and I generally have a good relationship, we laugh and have a lot of fun. I love so much about us, I just want him to care like he used to and be more worried about us coming to an agreement than being "right". I saw my SO in passing as he got up for work, and again as I was leaving for work this morning and he was just getting home. No words were spoken.

Did I mention today is our 3yr anniversary?