Son rebelling due to new wife
Hey everybody , sorry in advance for any mistakes I might make ( I very rarely use internet forums).So I've been divorced for a few months now nand didn't see my son since then.Me and my wife weren't exactly too fond of each other , I wanted to remarry with a mother of 2 and start over again , still I hoped that the whole process would go smoothly and that my teenage son would be reasonable , he usually stayed neutral , but this time he didn't , he openly sided with his mother and told me quite openly that its either him or my new "mistress and her idiotic daughters" . He blocked my number on his phone and most likely changed his email (he doesnt respond to my e-mails).Except for an email he sent me on the day of the divorce in which he openly asked me to leave him alone and that he will never accept his new stepfamily.How should I approach this issue? I'd really like to avoid using legal measures against him and his mother as I still love him.
How old is your son?By the
How old is your son?
By the timing - email at the day of your divorce - and the word mistress, was prospective wife your affair partner and did the affair lead to the break up of your marriage?
Depends on your perspective
I'm not sure my wife knew about it and we actually palnned on divorcing months in advance its mostly just my son that lost his mind when we told him
JonCane Can you please answer
JonCane
Can you please answer the two questions?
It did
It did
I am responding without the
I am responding without the benefit of your answers so take it with a pinch of salt.
Even without an affair being thrown in, some women remain extremely bitter and angry towards an ex husband.
Take that same woman and mix in an affair partner and you create your own kind of hell on earth.
It's only a few months after your divorce either way and emotions may still be very raw.
Your son's age does matter.
What does your custody order say?
A young teen you can force visitation with.
And older one?
Courts won't bother to help you if he won't visit.
If your new marriage is as a result of an affair, I don't see things getting better for you.
That anger from your son and ex may never go away.
You may really need to completely split off these two areas of your life from each other.
(For the record, I don't have much sympathy for people who conduct affairs when they could end things first with their current spouse or partner. Or how things pan out for them when other people affected know. )
Good luck either way.
He's 15 and my wife has
He's 15 and my wife has complete custody
Complete custody?
Not certain what you mean by complete custody. Do you not have any visitation or parenting time? That would be very unusual, absent abuse. But if you have no court ordered time, It will be very difficult to get legal help in getting visitation. Your order is very recent, what reason would you have to get it amended? By the time you get it amended, your son will likey be at an age where no judge would order him to visit.
But let's say you do have visitation or parenting time in the custody order (more likely). What then? You go to court, and your ex says, I am not preventing access to kid. Do you actually go to her house and try to pick him up? What happens? Even at 15, a court is going to listen to what kid says. They may appoint a guardiam at liam to help him. They may suggest therapy. As time goes by, the court is going to listen to what he says. Maybe you can come up with a compromise that you see him outside of your house?
It is for the best to see his
It is for the best to see his son outside of where he lives with the stepfamily. Animosity already exists on the part of the son and it will not help to expose him to contact with stepmom or the daughters. It will only add fuel to the fire.
Although it is not in the best interest of the child, if I were his mother, I would not want my son exposed to two obviously morally bankrupt individuals who had an affair. I could not prevent him from seeing his father and I sure as hell would do my best to keep him away from the influence of "the other woman". I know it is not right, but it is human.
OP, look again at what your court order says. There must be some clauses relating to visitation or contact with your child even if it is every other weekend. If not, have the order amended, but expect to get opposition on this from the mother and possibly your son.
What does your new wife say about all of this?
Custody order
I wonder if OP agreed to no custody in return for an expedited divorce to move on to new family faster and is now having buyer's remorse. That would explain the email on divorce day.
Ummm...
"He's 15 and my wife has complete custody". Ex wife, Bucko. Might want to get those labels straight before you find yourself in another divorce.
Yes, I noticed that too
But he apparently could not remember who is wife was when he was married first time around.
Chances are that his mother
Chances are that his mother is leaning on him for emotional support, and telling him all kinds of adult stuff that he shouldn't know. He feels sorry for her and angry at you for hurting her and breaking up the family.
You can't expect either of them to be happy with you, cheating is selfish, and then you planning to marry her right away is a slap in the face to both her and your son.
If she were an emotionally healthy woman, she might try to keep your son from feeling he has to choose sides, but if she's not, she may be actually using him as a surrogate husband (not sexual - just emotional).
If I were you, I'd slow down with the new relationship. Apologize to your son AND to your ex (yes, to your ex - for cheating on her. Not for leaving her, but for ending your marriage to her in a selfish and hurtful way) and then let the dust settle. She may heal and settle down over time, or she may not.
Personally, my husband's ex is still bitter after almost 10 years and she was the one who had the affair. As someone else said, some women never let it go.
15 YO can figure things out
I would not be certain this is the mom's fault. A 15 YO can figure out that if dad has a new family lined up before divorce final, dad was having an affair (maybe only technically if divorce was say 5 years in progress and papers had been served years before). Son may resent his family being broken up, and blame the other woman.
In any event, OP needs to stop blamng this on his new wife. He brought this on himself. I see no indication he accepts his role. Blaming either woman is not right.
I would suggest counseling and meeting with kid outside the home. Has the son told his new stepsiblings the parents were having an affair? Are dad and stepmom prepared to deal with that?
Calling her his "mistress",
Calling her his "mistress", IMO, implies he's heard that from an adult. I don't know any 15-year-olds who would use that term for the woman dad had an affair with.
Internet
plenty of tv shows and tabloids and news articles use the word mistress. Ask, I feel like this quote was translated maybe from another language. Or OP is paraphrasing.
Language
I would guess that both the 15YO and the mom use far less polite language to describe OP's wife.
Wait, I thought you said it
Wait, I thought you said it probably WASN'T the mother influencing the kid?
It could be just the kid figuring it out on his own, but it has "mommy is hurt and I have to protect her" written all over it, for me.
Your Opinion
Teens may have expectations for their families.
ETA -- I also dont see the mom complaining about Dad's new stepkids
Why not? That happens all the
Why not? That happens all the time. BM's tell their kids that the father is going to forget about them and love the new kids more.
This guy made his bed
At 15, kid can figure things out. Dad needs to figure out what to do, but cannot epect to avoid responsibility for problems he created.
On the second part we agree.
On the second part we agree. Dad needs to own his part and make it right. If he can.
And in this case she's right
I'm not saying she should discuss it with her son any more than necessary but OP said it himself; "I wanted to remarry with a mother of 2 and start over again" - who thinks like that? I'd protect my kid from his POS dad too.
Haven't finished reading, but
Haven't finished reading, but most 15yr old male teens know exactly what a mistress is....but they would more likely call them by extremely crude basic term words.
Male teens juggle their own secret little assorted sex lives between various females, there just isn't marriage certificates involved.
Teens aren't stupid. Aren't innocent and don't need an adult to label these things. If they can't come up with the word they might be looking for , you can bet any one of their friends can help them out in finding them the exact teen appropriate jargon. If in doubt, take a stroll down the HS hallway.
Well..
I suppose you gotta ask yourself exactly how much hell youre willing to put everyone through. Your son seems pretty clear about what he wants and if you force him with legal measures, you're only going to have a surly and extra angry teen in your house.
You were married, decided you wanted something else and are foisting a new "family" on your son who saw what you did to his mom and family dynamic. You can't blame him for not respecting this new marriage of yours.
You want to have your cake and eat it, too. If I were you, I would stick to the bed I've made and not press my luck.
I can not see
How a woman who husband had an affair, left the family. And is supposed to paint a cheating Husband as a good guy, to there 15 yo son. Son saw what happen, Family must he talking about it. What to do. Lack of money, how to pay bikes. Little food, no going any where, Why should the son not be upset. His life was turned upside down.
As to money, who knows
I think dad did disrupt the family, and if he wanted a divorced it could have been handled better. As to money, who knows. There is speculation that dad gave up custody to get a quick divorce. He may have given a good financial settlement to get a quick divorce. If that is the case (and I am just guessing), his new wife may be complaining shortly that her DH is always broke.
You really
expected your son to stay neutral when you imploded his family? My ex expected the same and it didn't go well for him and the kids found out about his cheating YEARS later when their SM threw it in their faces. Neither one speaks to him much now and they are pretty disgusted that it was used against them and as a way to "prove" to them that their father never loved their mother. My ex has begged me to step in and fix this for him. The kids are adults and yes, I have told them that I am long over it, it was never mentioned the multiple times I went to events with him (as well as our spouses) and that the past is the past.
You wanted to move on. That doesn't mean your son wants to move on with you. He has only had a few months to process that his dad left, didn't fight for any custody of him and has remarried.
You have every right to do
You have every right to do what you want with your life OP, including having an affair and running off with a new woman and her children. What you can't control is your son's reaction to the soap opera you've created. I'm gathering that he's an only child who's had his parents to himself his entire life and now he has to share dad with three other people, another woman who was your mistress and her two daughters. Expecting a child to be reasonable and neutral about this situation is a tall order when most grown women wouldn't be able to handle it.
My advice is to keep your relationship w/your son completely separate from your wife and her children. DO NOT try to blend everyone and make one happy family, it's not going to happen. He's already stated that "he will never accept his new stepfamily" so don't force it. At 15 legal measures aren't going to do much, you'll be spending thousands of dollars just to have your son refuse visitation or get to your home and leave.
Agree with your conclusions, but not everything
Not certain why the kid should be expected to be neutral. Is is reasonable to say, OK, about infidelity, especially when it rips apart a family. And to say most grown women wouldn't be able to handle it, many grown men would not be able to handle it either, and why should they? OP should first accept he done wrong, and no else is obliged to forgive him. He needs to work on it.
...
" Mistress and her idiot daughters"
Kid is fifteen, he told you to leave him alone and odds are extremely on his side that a court judge would allow the teen to select which home he resides in and can't do much in the way of forcing the kid to see you (let alone participate in your new family).
Sure, SM's here will go on about how the BM is influencing the kid and/or how kid is being PAS'd out against his father blah blah blah. Bottom line is, this is a 15 year old teen who has and is capable of forming his own feelings. His father has been living a double life (sneaking off to see his mistress) and probably missing out in somethings which were important to the ki and kid's own life while doing so. If you've been too busy supposedly working late , or whatever excuse you used, and repeatedly missed out and time and activities with your son (I'm not saying his mother, I'm saying the kid, himself) don't be surprised when kid rejects you when he finally learns the truth. Nope, sonny, Daddy wasn't busy or working late, Daddy was off screwing his mistress and playing family with two other kids.
I wouldn't need my mother, the neighbor, a stranger on the internet or a therapist to tell me how I feel or how I should feel.
Going to court an claiming it's contempt on BM's side for not having kid ready and available for visitation is going to be a waste of your time. She can't force the kid in the vehicle bodily anymore than you could. And what kind of visit under those circumstances would you have anyway?
Cat's In The Cradle
No one really knows your full situation so many assumptions can be made. You won't receive sympathy for your position because you dissolved your marriage without integrity. Affairs are an easy way out of marriages that are already in distress and lacking in intimacy, BUT they are inexcusable and hurtful. However, your chomp-at-the-bit desire to "start over" is repelling because you haven't even looked at the wake of your unaware self-centeredness. There are no turnkey answers here, but perhaps being slapped upside the head by this forum will catalyze some introspection and action on your part that can help your kid. You don't get to "start over" with him at your whim.
Inflicting the situation with legal proceedings is moot. The law can't order your son to love and respect you, let alone accept a step family that he feels usurped by. "Sorry in advance for any mistakes I might make" - You're apologizing to the wrong people. APOLOGIZE to your son. And if you did have an affair, apologize to your ex for whatever it's worth.
Consider the emotional tsunami you created with your son and try to understand his perspective. Teenhood is already full of turmoil and the camel doesn't need any more straws. At least respect his decision to "remove" himself from the pain. He is processing "abandonment" - hurt and anger, coupled with ambivalent love-hate. In his eyes, you left him and his mom for another woman and her children. You say he was neutral. I'm betting he was trying to remain numb and in denial. Alienation, whether it is driven by your ex or not, is the easiest way for your son to deal with the situation. At 15, he doesn't have the emotional tools to contend with the family rug being ripped out from under him. You might want to do some research on abandonment and PAS, and help pay for your son's therapy whether or not he chooses to see you.
I hope you plant better seeds when you "start over" - we reap what we sow.
"And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man in the moon..."