Parental Alienation- when you can’t do anything about it
I am at my wits end with my fiancé’s kids. They are rude and talk back, they complain about absolutely everything I do. I hate it when they come over because I feel like an outsider in my own home. I tried to hide in my room but then I’m accused of being antisocial . I am a teacher and I’m good with kids. I feel like a failure because of them- I want to do the right thing but I don’t know how. How can you bond with kids that have been taught to hate you?
Their mother is a 40-year-old woman who has never left home… She is still financially dependent on her mother and now on her new boyfriend and on my fiancé.
She uses money as a way to alienate the kids. Because she has four incomes (herself, her ex, her new boyfriend, and her mom) she has a lot more cash than we do. She has gotten the kids addicted to fast food and when we tell them we can’t afford it she tells them that if we loved them we would buy them whatever they wanted. She has been instilling in the kids a hatred for stepmother’s- You name a movie with an evil stepmother in it and She has made a point to take them to the movie theater and point out that this is how stepmothers treat kids. she even took the kids to Florida and told them we couldn’t afford to take them because we don’t love them enough.
What do you do in situations like this? She’s not specifically alienating them from their dad but is doing it through me as a proxy .
I have a child of my own. I do not want these kids teaching him to talk back to grown-ups, talk poorly about others, or worship money the way they do.
help!
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Where is your DH in all of
Where is your DH in all of this? He needs to be setting limits on the kids and not letting them disrespect you. He also needs to be helping them use critical thinking skills - that is, not bashing BM, but pointing out that just because she doesn't like you, they don't have to follow suit. How old are the kids?
If your DH is just letting them run amok out of fear of losing them, you are doomed. He's the one who can make this different for you. If you hide in your room to protect yourself and he accuses you of being "antisocial" rather than asking what is wrong and how he can help, that's not a good sign. Does he expect you to just take their disrespect?
The only incomes that count
The only incomes that count in all that , are the BM's and your DF's. All the rest is fluff. Doesn't matter if BM managed to have her 'Mommy' an new BF pay all her bills and hand her wads of cash. Your BF still has to pay CS (per your state's guidelines and laws) assist with healthcare , possibly childcare blah blah.
Fast food and vacations are something your BM can afford (doesn't matter whether it's her own cash or not, she still only gets x amount CS from your BF).
It's not terribly unusual for men beginning over to be pretty low on 'mad money' aka available extra money. When a parent chooses to have two previous kids, he/she still has to support financially and be responsible for them. No newsflash there.
A child being told Daddy doesn't love you if he won't take you to McDonald's is silly. Sure its an attempt at PAS, but how many kids who truly feel loved by and has an involved father believes Daddy doesn't love them over stupid french fries and chicken nuggets?
Anyway, you will never be able to control BM. Just won't ever happen. Her house, her rules. Dad's house, Dad's rules. If BM spends cash on materialist non-necessities and junk fast food nothing Dad can do to make her knock it off. If Dad tried to foolishly compete and started running the kids to fast food every visit, overspent on fun entertainment with money he really can't afford to do or maxed out his credit cards to appease the kids on whatever they desire? You can bet your *ss BM would just find something else to try and trash Dad about. If the BM is going to PAS a kid, she is going to PAS the kid.
As to the back talk? Why does Dad tolerate it? I'd hope he'd have consequences for the kids when they start it up. Your DF can not be afraid to parent his children in his home merely out of fear his kids might 'like BM better' or the kids will whine 'Daddy doesn't love us and if he won't buy us nuggets we aren't ever coming back'.
You have a lot to talk over with your DF before you marry him, but trying to control BM will be wasted hot air. You spend all day with a classroom of kids that aren't yours. You see and hear the students attitudes and mouths and observe their assorted behaviors. Some of them also have BMs ( or two parents) who nightly feed them fast food and use other people's cash to do fancy entertainments. You see some of these students do the 'I am better than you because I do and have this or that and you don't ' to other students in the class. You don't get to control those students BM/parents either.... but I bet you sure have a way of controlling this behavior in your classroom.
Do you intend to spend your marriage hiding in your bedroom?
I overlooked that you aren't
I overlooked that you aren't married yet. For God's sake, do not marry him until there is some plan to address how the kids treat you and what your fiance will do to protect you and manage their behavior. It's alarming to me that he isn't concerned himself about their disrespect. This site is full of women who married men who allow their kids, even as adults, to be flat-out abusive to their wives and do NOTHING. If that's what you have in fiance, get out now.
Thanks Guys
i really appreciate all the input. In my classroom rules and expectations are laid out and if not followed, there is a consequence. Right now, I don’t have that power in my own house as discipline is “his job with his kids”.... so I have, in effect, been rendered powerless. Any attempt on my end is met with “ she is not your mother so don’t listen to her” or “ why do you have to be such a jerk.”... which I am not.
This is is why we are not married, you are correct.
i keep hoping things will change. My son loves his sisters. Every now and then we have a good day... but there are so many bad ones in between.
I am also shouldering most of the bills because of the high amount of child support he pays and a very poor finiancial decision he made about his car. I can’t do it all, it I’m expected to.
He's right, discipline is his
He's right, discipline is his job with his kids; but from the sounds of it, that means he doesn't do any. Does he address their disrespect of you?
Please stop saying you don't
Please stop saying you don't have power in your own home. If your SO is the one making those asinine comments, make it clear to him that you will not live in a home where you are rendered powerless.
He has to KNOW that you have the financial means and self respect to walk away from any situation that leaves you feeling the way you feel right now. Your home is supposed to be your safe place. If your SO can't/won't ensure that it is just that, then why keep him around?
I'm also a teacher. I don't let kids disrespect me in my classroom and I can sure won't allow it to happen in my home.
You have responsibility but
You have responsibility but no authority, your BF doesn't discipline his kids to the extent you'd like, nor does he insist that they respect you, PLUS you're carrying the bulk of the financial obligations? So what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?
Still trying to finish fire
Still trying to figure that one out- it used to be love but now I have no idea
Love is not enough. Don't
Love is not enough. Don't delude yourself into thinking it is.
You can't control other
You can't control other people, but one thing you can do is stop all communication with BM. You are not her skivvy or nanny. Stop being so accommodating, because it's not working for you at all. Dealing with BM is your fiance's responsibility, but it sounds as if you've fallen into the trap of doing too much for other people's children. Please step back and consider why you're making these sacrifices for people who don't respect you. It doesn't feel right because it isn't.
Parental Alienation
is a horrific thing. We lost one sd17 to bm because of it and she is just like her. The other sd is more logical and realizes what her bm and sister are like. For a very long time I felt like I had a target on my back, and I actually did. It's sad to me that sd17 took bm's route. I hope she is never a sm. Realize that you can't change people. Distance yourself as much as humanly possible from BM. Let your dh deal with her. Let your dh deal with the kids. Don't have her on social media, delete her phone number, don't respond to her texts or emails. It will save you a lot of heartache in the future.
For comparison, my SD's ex
For comparison, my SD's ex also alienated her from SMs. No matter what I did, SD was pretty awful to me. I came into her life when she was a teen. Now she's 31. Nothing has changed except I have nothing to do with SD now. Nothing.
The funny thing is, SD and BM don't really get along. I thought perhaps SD and I could have a friendly relationship, but no matter how I bend over backward, it didn't change.
You can't get ahead of the PAS thing -- the damage is done. This is how it will be if you marry. It's not about what you do or don't do, so please try not to feel like a failure.
It could change, but it might not. Figure out if you can live with this forever. If you marry, hope for the best, but expect this to be the norm. I can tell you, it wreaks havoc on a marriage.
As I noted above.BLOCK BM--
As I noted above.BLOCK BM---stop taking her calls, stop aggreeing to anything she asks you. IF she treated you better you might consider.
Next "Parental Alienation" is in the proper terms. Pathogenic Parenting. From what you wrote...doesn't sound like it me.
For accurate information on "Parental Alienation" Google Dr. Craig Childress, If you want to, check out his youtube Educational series. They are amazing.