Question - When is "normal" sibling behavior abnormal?
My skid is 9 & our DD is 3. Sometimes they play fine but sometimes his behavior is bullying and borders on hostile. (Now, I'm definitely biased, he's an argumentative child and quite moody and our personalities don't really mesh.)
There've been times where I stepped away while they've been playing only to be called back by my daughter screaming because she's hurt. Twice he claimed he had left the room and didn't know how she hurt herself. This turned out to be a straight up lie. I found out cause he confessed to SO later. (The kid has no tells! I was suspicious at the time but actually believed what he told me) And the other times he claimed that it was an accident. Now, I don't leave them alone ever.
He also tries to put himself above her. Hard to explain but he asks her questions that he knows she can't answer, like math problems, and then has this triumphant expression/tone when she can't answer but he can. He holds toys and things out of her reach and only says he'll give them to her if she performs xyz task. Like someone holding a treat out to a dog and making them sit for it. He also scapegoats her: he says SHE'S the reason for his bad attitude or mood on any given occasion. And recently, I think he's been baiting her to play roughly then claiming she hurt him so she gets sent to her room.
So is this just normal sibling stuff? At what point is his behavior a concern and/or indicate an underlying issue?
Thanks in advance.
- smooshy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
He is 6 years older than her
He is 6 years older than her and he should know better. He sounds like a bully and power hungry little tyrant. She will hate him as an adult if you don't put a stop to it. Get some nanny cams and plant them around where they play. You will see exactly what he is doing and how she is getting hurt and you can confront them both with the truth. Where's dad in all of this??
Dad works all the time and is
Dad works all the time and is only off on Sundays. We only have SS 2 to 3 days a week. He occasionally acknowledges that the behavior is over the line but he's never punished him for lying or being dissrespctful to me.
Your boyfriend needs to MAKE
Your boyfriend needs to MAKE changes to his schedule so his home to parent his boy...NOT YOU. Trust me it is amazing the changes that CAN be made when you are not there. We here this same story over and over again on ST.
Tell him tomorrow that he must make different arrangements for a babysitter for his boy. You will not be availale this week or next week or the next month. Expect push back. I CANT, I have to work...'what did you do before me"
I am a BM of minors and
I am a BM of minors and adult, a SM and Granny. So, as you can see I have years of experience.
SO can take his son to his parents for visitation. When child is cleared by a child psychologist THEN you may consider short visits. Your child is 3 and is mostly non verbal. Certainly not old enough to hold their own.
NO it's not normal and your Childs safety is a concern. IF SO is blowing it off, pack up your 3 year old and move to your moms until you find your own place in a month maybe2. File for child support.
Sometimes we have to ask ourselves 'hmmm, what IF the neighborhood kid did this. How would we respond.....more likely you would NOT allow the kid near your 3 year old".
YOU must stand up for your bio at all times. PLEASE PLEASE dont let this go on like some of us thought we 'had' to. Came to find out we did not have too live in such maddness.
Child protection is FIRST.
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I've had the instinct that the skid has issues for a while (DD is my 3rd child). I feel like a lot of his outbursts are above what you would consider 'normal' kid stuff. I've brought up his behavior to a professional who referred me to his school counselor. The counselor didn't seem to think he NEEDED to see anyone but told us that she could refer us if we wanted. SO didn't want to rock the boat with his ex by bringing up the idea so it was dropped. He is well behaved at school as far as I know and has been tested for gifted classes. He did get in trouble for threatening another student last year and once this year for swearing.
Your
SK should not be at your house if DH is not home. They are not there to see you, SK are there to visit ther father .If the father is not home there no reason for them to be there.
Step kids and your bios are
Step kids and your bios are never going to be doing 'normalsibling stuff' because lets face it, they are not siblings. They could be half siblings but if they dont live together all the time then it is very different to normal siblings.
There is jealousy in siblings but the skid thing makes it 10 times worse. This child sounds rather unpleasant and you definately need to keep a careful eye on that. Personally i think your DH should be there when he's on visits and should deal with this behaviour.
My SS21 will ask questions of
My SS21 will ask questions of people, and if they don't know the answer, he will mock their intelligence. He will ask the other kids questions about computers (which he knows but the others don't) and if they can't answer, he will tell them that it's basic information and they are stupid if they don't know it. I'm a legal assistant. The last time he did that, I asked him who the judge is in circuit division 4 in our county. He didn't know. I asked him who is the judge in circuit division 8. He didn't know. I told him it was basic information and if he didn't know it, then he MUST be an idiot. That shut him up real quick.
This is not normal or healthy
This is not normal behavior, it’s emotionally and physically abusive. I’m so sorry that your family has this problem, I too experienced my SS at 12 teasing and being mean to my DD when she was an infant and toddler. He was jealous and resentful and it sounds like your SS is too. Also, there is the chance he resents you and the marriage. His new sister is just another tie that his dad has to you. I would not leave them unattended, ever. Are you able to position their rooms apart so that he cannot get to her withyout passing your room? I would invest in a video teddy bear or clock, and not necessarily tell dad. I would also get a video or audio monitor that records and keep it close to DD and keep the receiver closr by when SS is in the home. Dad should address it, but he probably harbors guilt for not having SS full time. Your best tools are vigilance and proof to present to Dad if the situation doesn’t improve or escalates. Lastly, SS could probably use some counseling.
Makes me wonder why a mother
Makes me wonder why a mother of this boy would NOT march over to your house when the boy was there and have a serious talk with him IN FRONT Of you and dh.
Tommy as of now your electronics that are at my house are going away. YOU CAN earn them back when I hear good reports from your dad and SM...your behavior is mean and ugly AND harmful to the baby.
That is what a good mom would do.
I don't let BS4 alone with
I don't let BS4 alone with SS8 - SS8 is exactly like you are describing your SS - if I leave the house BS goes with me, DH is sometimes oblivious to what is goin on or just doesn't feel like stepping in and parenting. YES it drives me insane. I know he has anxiety issues but come on - you can't let everything just slide because it will get worse. GRRRRRRRR you hit on one of my pet peeves.
This shouldnt be happening
This shouldnt be happening with the age difference.