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Help!! I can't make my family blend!

nlk22's picture

Submitted by nlk22 on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 12:18pm

Here is my background, sorry if it is lengthy. My husband and I have known each other since childhood. We have spent the last 13 years since we graduated high school in an "on again/off again" relationship. In between one of the off times, we both had children with other people. I had a son, who is 4, who's father left and hasn't been heard from since I was 6 months pregnant. My husband had a daughter, almost 5, who's mother had what I believe was a horrible case of post-partum depression and terminated all of her rights when their daughter was 10 months old. My husband and I got back together last year, and married three months ago. We came into this with the understanding that we would raise each other's children as our own. This is not happening, and I honestly can't ever see it happening.

My husband clearly favors his child, and believes that she can do no wrong. When the kids are playing in the room that we are in, he gives my son dirty looks. When his daughter does something that she shouldn't do he says pleasantly, please don't do that Honey. When my son does, he gets a loud, intimidating, "stop it". When she misbehaves when he isn't home and I tell him about it I get an eye roll, loud sigh, and he heads up to have a nice, sweet talk with her. Then when my son does the same, he gets yelled at, which in turn makes him cry, then gets stared at fiercely while being told not to cry.

I don't feel like I am perfect in this equation by any means. I have caught myself favoring my son, but I think that it has become more obvious after I have been watching my husband favor his daughter. My stepdaughter, I feel, is very manipulative, and is causing issues with my husband and I. He can leave a room and she will instantly do things that she knows are not allowed, but because he is gone, she feels she can get away with it with me. Her behavior can be horrible all day, and when my husband comes home she is an angel.

I don't know what to do, how do I make this work. I love my husband very much, but I am having a terrible time accepting his daughter. Does anyone have any advice for me on how to make this work and how to be able to accept and love my stepdaughter???

Comments

simifan's picture

Submitted by simifan on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 12:55pm

Your problem is not your SD it is your DH. I think you need to sit & talk with a counselor if necessary & go over roles and expectations before this get out of hand and breeds resentment...

If you truly don't feel your son can be treated fairly, perhaps you all should take a i'll discipline mine you discipline yours approach.

hismineandours's picture

Submitted by hismineandours on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 1:04pm

I agree-you and your dh are clearly not on the same page. I've had the same struggles over the years. When we all lived together-it wasnt necessarily that my dh was more harsh with mine-but he was more critical of MY parenting ss. I truly did treat my ss the same (which also means he got punishments and disciplines) and it really backfired on me. Come to find out, that noone really wanted me to treat him the same-they wanted me to treat him BETTER!

I also remember when our kids were younger-I would redirect ss about something such as, "Hey, ss quit picking your nose" and within 5 minutes my dh would find something to correct about my ds. It was like clockwork.

SS is now 13-we've been blended for over 11 years and dh STILL struggles to this day to treat the kids fairly. SS doesnt even visit anymore for a multitude of reasons-but no matter this kids' behavior he cannot seem to force himself to discipline the kid. Hence, the reason the kid is not visiting in MY home around MY kids anymore.

so, yes, nip this in the bud NOW otherwise it will not go away on its own.

newmom01's picture

Submitted by newmom01 on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 1:55pm

This problem stopped as soon as I got pregnant with our first child, I wanted children so badly, that I started to "parent" my dh's sons when the visited I enjoyed cooking and running baths and playing, but when i would try to dicipline them, that when the "line was drawn" by dh!

And resentment set in, basically i was like ok, I can cook, play, clean, and pick you up but I cant say anything to you about your behavior because "You have a mom/I didnt have kids, so you dont know what you are doing/talking about"

But When i got pregnant i still did SOME of the above things, but I stopped trying to be "mommy" because I had my own kids to take care of now.

NOT that having another baby would solve anything, but it has made everything better....now we have two kids together and he sees that Im so busy taking care of my baby boys that I dont have time for much else....I still do a few things for the boys and all of them play together although there is a little age differance.

I love it now.

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Wed, 09/21/2011 - 4:19pm

I wonder if your DH feels somewhat guilty that his daughter's BM bailed so easily on her.
Or maybe he just sees his method of treating a boy/your DS as normal. how was DH tre3ated as a boy? Was he yelled at all the time?
As there is a few months difference between the 2 children (up to 1 yr) and your son is younger (and we know boys mature more slowly than girls) he needs to cut him some slack.

Or is he resentful of your previous relationship with another man that resulted in DS? And he takes it out on DS?

I would have a talk with him like this... DH, I know DS irritates you but he is part of me. So when you are being nasty and snappy and telling him to stop crying you are saying those things to me.
Either we get counselling or this relationship is over. I will not stand by and allow you to be mean to my son. He is part of my life just like SD is part of yours. He is a little boy, only 4. Would you have liked me snapping 'stop crying' at your daughter 1 yr ago? How would you like me to snarl at her and give her dirty looks?

Why are you even TELLING him about things his daughter did during the day? If you are a SAHM and are taking care of her, therefore you deal with her the way you want to. You sound like a fair person and can admit to your own faults. The next time she misbehaves, deal with it and don't even mention it to her father. You weill gain her respect if nothing else that you can deal with things yourself. If her father has a problem with it, he can pay for daycare.

There is a difference in breaking up a marriage over a 4 yr old little boy who is just being a 4 yr old and a 14 yr old who has no manners and is undisciplined.Not to mention a 24 yr old who lives in your basement!

No way would I remain with someone who was that mean and nasty to one of my little ones. After all, no ones kids are perfect but picking on a 4 yr old? I bet that makes him feel VERY manly. The coward!