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Husband is too lenient and passive with his children

kaysea1008's picture

Submitted by kaysea1008 on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 12:43am

My husband and I do not agree on how to raise his 2 sons who live with us. They are 15 and 20, one is in high school and the other is attending college part-time (not working either). I have 2 grown children and the way I raised them is totally different from how he's raising his. I feel he's too easy with them and does not require any chores or help around the house. And he is way too easy on them when they come home with bad grades, there's never any accountability or consequences. I can no longer stand by and watch my husband drag home from work and then pick up after the boys, cut the grass, take out the trash, feed the pets, etc. while they play video games. I can't get thru to my husband, he won't change. He says "my ways are not his ways and it doesn't mean he's wrong and I'm right". We talk of compromise and trying to do things differently but nothing ever comes of it. I feel like a house slave and I am getting more bitter each day. I am so afraid this marriage is going to crash and burn. Anyone been thru this?

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buttercookie's picture

Submitted by buttercookie on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 12:54am

Been there, done that, my husband has made great strides to try to come to reasonable compromises though. It took me stepping back some, not telling him everything his kids were doing and explaining to him the reason I was concerned about the grades. He finally sees I want to help with his kids I just don't want to hand them everything and end up supporting them well into their adult lives.

stepmom008's picture

Submitted by stepmom008 on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 8:20am

kaysea, I deal with the same thing. I have finally gotten to a point where I can't do it anymore. I can't live in a state of anger and stress because BF's not doing what I want him to do. Colorado Girl summed it up perfectly for me last week - she said that I'm trying to make him run a marathon that he doesn't want to run. That really struck me and every time he does something like what your DH does, I say that to myself & it's really been helping. I can't stress myself about things that aren't going to change, I'm just finding a way to deal with it and learn to accept it. If SD's stuff is all over the place, I pile it up in her doorway & force her to deal with it that way. There are always little things you can do to help yourself ignore it. Maybe think about finding a positive mantra to repeat to yourself when you feel the anger rising. Mine is "Life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it". When you feel it happening, distract yourself, either with visualization or a physical task (ie - yoga, knitting, etc). You can distract yourself with aromatherapy too. Good luck!

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

Mommyto1Stepto2's picture

Submitted by Mommyto1Stepto2 on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 8:24am

I totally agree with you SM8...my reactions are what cause 99% of mine and DH's arguments. I just can't let things slide - I make a big deal out of EVERYTHING. And I am bitter, resentful, angry all the time... My therapist says that I need to think and give myself time before I react to things. But it's hard!!

stepmom008's picture

Submitted by stepmom008 on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 8:49am

Mine asked me if I realize that I have a choice to be angry or not & honest to god, I didn't realize that! I'm in the process of labeling my anger and slowing down so that I don't skip over the choice portion of the process. It just happens so damn quick! This is where the mantra comes in. She said that if I say it to myself, that will slow me down & then I can REALLY think about if it's worth being angry over.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

jojo68's picture

Submitted by jojo68 on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 9:40am

I am going through the same thing with an overindulged, undiscipline nearly 10yr old BF child that gets on my nerves horrible sometimes. Something that I have triedto do that has been helping is when you know something is happening that is going to get under your skin...distance yourself...find areason to get out of the house, busy yourself....disengage from the madness...helps me. Just last night Princess asked her father to take to her somewhere Sunday...he told her no because he would be working...(she never asked me mind you) and then she asks him can jojo take me....she looks at me like I am the hired hand and she can ask him to direct the hired hand into catering to her or playing with her. She does that often. Her perception of our home is that she is the woman of the house...her fathers partner...and the ruler and knower of all that goes. Dad is around to take her places and spend money on her and I am the maid.

Shannon61's picture

Submitted by Shannon61 on Thu, 04/22/2010 - 12:53pm

I too am going through this with SD (26) going on 16. She lives with us and the other night while me and DH were at dinner she called and asked him where the can opener was because she was making tuna. It was in the top drawer, and it was obvious she hadn't looked for it. DH shook his head.
He's now realizing that his coddling has crippled her and keeping her from becoming the woman he'd hoped she would be.

I stay sane by detaching from her, focusing on me, and reminding myself that this living arragnment is only temporary.