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Dear DH, My children don't answer to YOU, they answer only to ME. They only have to be polite to you. Why don't you get that?!

Yosemite's picture

DH had the fucking nerve to dump an ice chest of freezing cold water leftover from our party last night on nephew-15 (I have full custody of nephew) because he didn't get out of bed when he was asked to. WTF made him think that was okay?!
DH doesn't get it, he really doesn't. I have asked him to come to ST to read about disengaging but he won't do it.
I don't want, don't need and don't care about his opinion in regards to MY children. DH can fuck off if he doesn't like how I parent. In turn, he can parent his however he likes.
We have agreed upon house rules, I expect my kids to be polite to DH as they would a teacher or a neighbor, but they don't answer to him. If my kids do something DH doesn't like, then he has to tell me about it and I will deal with it, IF I think it needs to be dealt with. If not, oh damn well, too bad. Then DH has the same options as he would if it were a neighbor kid, which is not many, unless they did something illegal, which has never happened. If DH doesn't like that, he knows where the courthouse is to file for divorce. Motherfucker knows my kids always come first, always.
Anyway, DH didn't think it was any big deal, told me I am blowing things out of proportion and left to cool off.
I am still pissed so I am amusing myself by spraying the crotch of all of DH's boxer briefs with pepper spray and putting them back in the drawer. I have no idea if it will do anything or not, but it's making me feel better. }:)

ETA-
Everyone who raised concerns about poor DH's junk can rest assured, I threw all his boxer briefs in the washer and am currently plotting an alternative "joke" to make my point. I don't want to do permanent damage or wind up in jail over making a point.

Comments

WTF...REALLY's picture

"Why stepmoms are the lowest denominator" by HRNCY

or

"Why I don't like my own vagina" by HRNCY

(sorry, could not resist) }:)

Yosemite's picture

Yes he got up, but I hope it was worth it to DH as it seems abusive to me. I am trying not to make hasty decisions, but I am thinking it's worth getting divorced over. You don't fuck with my kids.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Just checked out the site. Very cool. Things are great with hubby, but its always good to add more skills to a marriage. Thanks for posting Taushalove

WTF...REALLY's picture

Wow. It sounds like being married to an enemy. Yuck.

You can do so much better. And you will. Smile

dood's picture

Wow. Although I think that doing that to anyone is pretty effe'd up, it seems obvious that you're DH has had it up to "here" with that flat line, "FU Very much DH" attitude you've laid on him.

I'm on the other side of the coin.. I have no children and he has 2. If my SO EVER spoke to me the way you speak to your DH, I would have been so very long gone. You love your children because they are your children. Maybe they're perfect angels, maybe they're not. To give your DH Zero rights to whatever your "little one's" do or say to him, then I'd say, shame on you.

Just my opinion..

Yosemite's picture

You're entitled to your opinion and if DH shared that opinion, he never should have married me because I have always made it plain how I felt about DH disciplining my children.
They have to be polite and treat him as they would a teacher or neighbor. DH is nobody special to them, only to me.

dood's picture

Agreed. ... and you shouldn't have married him either, because that's just not a realistic situation.

Disneyfan's picture

The OP made it perfectly clear to her husband how she felt before they got married. If I'm not mistaken, he was the one pushing for the marriage. .

There's nothing unrealistic about a parent saying he or she will be 100% responsible for the kids they bring into a marriage.

Yosemite's picture

In my situation, I make 3 times what DH does, even before he pays CS.
So he's not paying shit for me or any of my kids including nephew.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Huh? Your making a joke right?

When all of go out to dinner, we are to have separate checks?

I pay for alot of things for my SD, your saying I should not?

So, from this post we are saying when two people get married and they have kids from a prior person, we are to live like its two completely separate households. Stepparents are like neighbors, not sharing of money. No blending what so ever.

Well, then your gonna need two refrigerators, two pantries, and how do you share the sofa and all other furniture? I guess sell everything and both parents split the cost of all new furniture done to the penny. Don't forget to cook two dinners. And if there is a pet....is it only half of the families pet?

Hmmmmmm...no wonder second marriages end faster then first marriages.

Yosemite's picture

We actually do split everything right down the middle. We have completely separate finances and we trade off paying the check at restaurants when it's just the two of us. I typically pay when the whole family goes out because I have more kids and make more money.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Sharing works for hubby and I. I am so happy that I don't need a spreadsheet to live by. That would drive me nuts. Hubby as well.

We both work full time and it all goes into one pot. I got an inheritance (small one) and it just goes into the pot. What's mine is his and what's his is mine. Well....except my surfboard!!! He has to ask to use that!!!!! That is my precious. Smile

Jsmom's picture

I have no problem...I pay nothing for SS outside of a BD present. We have a joint CC and split it at the end of the month. It pays for groceries, household crap and dinners out. About to celebrate our 6th wedding anniversary and no fights about money. No combined anything. Works great.

Maxwell09's picture

You are upset with him for throwing ice on your nephew but you go back and spray his boxers with pepper spray? You both sound really mature...sounds like you need a divorce because neither of you are willing to be adults and actually resolve your differences.

Yosemite's picture

I'm thinking you're right about a divorce. I was trying to talk about it but DH just said I was blowing it out of proportion. I said I thought it was abusive and DH responded that it was more in the realm of a practical joke than abuse, then he left. So I decided to play a little "joke" on DH to see how he likes it!

Yosemite's picture

I know he wasn't joking.
DH doesn't like nephew, period. He looks for any opportunity to get on his case.
DH is a straight laced former Marine with really traditional values.
Nephew is a California bred emo bi-sexual. They are at completely opposite ends of the spectrum in terms of personality.
For me, while I love DH very much, if it came down to a choice, DH would lose, because nephew doesn't have anyone else. He'd wind up in CPS and he doesn't deserve that just because he doesn't fit in with DH's conservative values.
It would be very sad to have to choose, but it's looking like I will have to.

JustAgirl42's picture

TRUE

Yosemite's picture

DH knew I didn't want him commenting on my parenting before we ever got married. I have not changed my position one bit.
DH is nobody special to my kids, why should they have to treat him any differently than any other adult?
DH is somebody special to me, so I treat him accordingly. If DH wants to be somebody special to my kids, he has to develop that relationship with each one of them. In truth, I think he has done so with BS15. I think BS15 values DH's opinion more than mine sometimes.
But DH and nephew15 are very different people. I don't ever see them being close. So DH just needs to stay out of my way.

As for DH's dick, hey it's a practical joke, so anything goes, right?

Shaman29's picture

Yosemite. All I want to do us hug you right now. You're so very angry and your words are breaking my heart.

I'm going to play devils advocate. Are you sure you want to be married to this man? You don't seem to love or respect him. Is this really the kind of relationship you want for the rest of your life?

dood's picture

I-m so happy That.^^

Try life on "The other side"... Not cool. And, now your kids have a permanent get out of jail free card as they screw around with your DH.

No, not okay.

Yosemite's picture

Hmmm you think so? I really didn't know if it would do anything or not. I was trying to make a point about how a "joke" can be a big deal. I think I'll call my lawyer to see if I need to worry about charges. Thanks for pointing that out.

Yosemite's picture

I did try to talk to DH, he told me it wasn't abusive, it was more in the realm of a practical joke. Hence, my "joke" on him.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I asked my hubby who is a retired cop. In some states, this would be assault. I'd go wash his shorts asap.

And it not the same as water and ice dumped on someone. If that was a crime, a ton of NFL players would be in jail for after game dumping on coaches.

This is one fucked up marriage. Hr has no say, sounds like you rule the roost. There is no room for a loving marriage in this situation.

Time to rethink your life and what you want out of it.

Yosemite's picture

Thank you for checking....I guess I assumed that even if the pepper spray did something, it wouldn't be permanent. I didn't intend to injure DH, just show him how funny "jokes" are.
As for my marriage, DH has a say in the marriage, but not about my kids. DH can bring an issue with my kids to me and we can discuss it, but I have the say. It works the same for his kids, believe me they would be doing things very differently if it were up to me!

WTF...REALLY's picture

Since its clear this style of living together is not working, how about learning a new way of sharing a life together. You love him and want to be with him, so try something new to keep you two together.

Both of you need a say with the kids. I do agree the bio parent has final say, but both do have a say.

Its better for the kids to think of the SP as a SP, not a teacher, etc.

Its worth another look into truly sharing a life if you love him. No pranks, no ultimatums....just genuine commutation.

Maybe the book "The five languages of love". It really helped hubby and I. If you two really love each other, then redesign your marriage. No blame, no attacks. Just rebuild from the ground up.

Disneyfan's picture

Wash the spray out of his draws and come up with a safe joke. I don't blame you one bit for being pissed.

Yosemite's picture

I did throw them in the washer and I am working on an alternative. I appreciate the support!

WTF...REALLY's picture

This is exactly why a stparent needs to have say over a step kid. No way would I live in a home with no say over SD. And no way hubby would say if he had no say over SS.

And Sweet.....you are so smart to leave. Sometimes its worth getting out of the marriage.

Yosemite's picture

I have stepkids. I am on "the other side"
And guess what, DH doesn't want me parenting his kids, either! This was our mutual, agreed upon parenting plan.
We have house rules that all children must abide by. The bioparent handles everything else.

JustAgirl42's picture

'We have house rules that all children must abide by.'

So if your child breaks one of those rules, and you're not around, DH isn't allowed to do anything about it?

I don't discipline my SD, but being that she lives in my house, I DO have a say in certain things she can/cannot do. I can't imagine living in a house with someone else's kids, and not having ANY authority to say ANYTHING to them about their behavior. :O

Yosemite's picture

We have pre-set, agreed upon consequences for breaking house rules. And obviously DH can ask a child to do something or not do something, same as a teacher. However, it is up to me to discipline my children, not DH. So if he asked them to get up and nephew15 didn't, then DH should have come to me and he knows it. And I was home, so there's not even that flimsy excuse for DH's behavior.

Yosemite's picture

DH is very special to me, but the cold hard fact is that DH was nobody special to my kids when we got together. Just like we stepparents don't always feel that skids are somebody special. It takes time to develop a special relationship and sometimes never happens.
In our family, DH is very close to BS15, gets along with adopted daughter 21, but doesn't care for BD stb21. I love both skids but completely disagree with BM and DH's parenting style and feel they are very entitled and whiny. I am hoping they mature someday.
DH doesn't like nephew's lifestyle and I really think that's the root of the problem.
We have been together 7 years and our style worked for a long time.

Yosemite's picture

Well I specifically said they have to be polite and treat him as they would a teacher or neighbor. I don't allow my children to be disrespectful to adults. If they were disrespectful, then I would punish them, not DH.
By answer to him, I mean DH has no special authority or power in regards to my children, period. If DH doesn't like it, too fucking bad, I really don't give a fuck.

WTF...REALLY's picture

But this is so unrealistic. Plus, its messed up for the kids. Treat a stepparent as a teacher?????

Its hard enough for the kids, but you throw this style from the get go, and its doomed.

And now the problems are coming to light.

Time to rethink how to live together in a more loving, respectful way, and a more realistic way or get out.

ctnmom's picture

I totally agree with Yosemite. It was horrible and abusive.The pepper spray is "just a joke" too.

JustAgirl42's picture

Even if it's not illegal in that state, it's definitely time to consider divorce when things are taken that far. :jawdrop:

Yosemite's picture

It was time to consider it when the dumped the ice chest full of ice and water on my kid. DH was wrong to do that and way overstepped his boundaries.

WTF...REALLY's picture

I thought it was your nephew.

ETA...just saw you have full custody of your nephew.

Yosemite's picture

He is my nephew but since I have custody, he's my kid now too.
That's probably part of the problem for DH, nephew wasn't part of the initial package. Nephew is also totally different kind of person from DH or even from my own kids. They do not have a lot of common ground. But DH agreed that we would take him, possibly because he knew I would take him anyway, but still he agreed. So it's not gonna fly to treat him badly.

Shaman29's picture

I have to agree with what Ladyface said. Unless the kid has a heart condition, ice water won't hurt him.

What your H did was rude, however retaliating with a potentially damaging "joke" instead of having an adult conversation tells me there are more problems in this marriage than solutions.

I understand your anger over the situation, however your actions towards your H could be considered physically abusive. I would ask that you grab his boxers and wash them before he is hurt by your prank.

Then grab a notebook, a pen, your H and go for a drive somewhere so you can talk this out and maybe outline in writing some sort of resolution regarding kid/skid/adult interactions in your home.

Yosemite's picture

I'm not sure if you read all responses, but I did try to talk to DH about this. He said it's more in the realm of a joke than abuse and left. So having an adult conversation is out. I was trying to make a point that "jokes" can be a big deal, since that is apparently the only way I am going to get him to see my point. Maybe I should choose another joke.

dood's picture

... or like others have suggested, maybe it's not a good time for 'jokes'.

It's not outside the rheum of possibility, that all pre-marital agreements aside, that this arrangement is coming up short somewhere. If you have the same "fuck you not open for discussion" attitude with DH as you display here (and I'm not getting in your face, I'm just acknowledging that you may have been letting out steam), but if you are that way with him, sounds like everyone needs to chill out and try to have an honest talk.

There has to be an enormous amount of tension in your house. No one needs that.

Shaman29's picture

No, I think I was writing my response and missed that part. My apologies.

And you're right, you can't have a conversation with someone who is not willing to see their own failings.

As someone that has been in marriage counseling for the last year to due to horrible communication issues, I can only say I recognize it's happening in your marriage as well.

I'm not sure if marriage counseling is a viable option for you and your H but I would like to recommend it. Almost all of our issues revolved around our inability to listen to each other. A little over a year ago we were on the brink of divorce.

I'm really sorry how your day started. This kind of anger first thing in the morning is difficult to get past.

I truly hope your day turns around for you.

How is your nephew by the way??

Yosemite's picture

Well that's the thing, my nephew 15 has had a really hard life and he doesn't need my asshole DH coming along to make things harder for him.
He got up and is going about his business. None of the kids know that DH and I are having an argument about this.

Pilgrim Soul's picture

I have a 15yo son who would not get out of bed in the morning, every morning, and I am often at the point of dumping some cold water on him. I would probably thank my DH if he did that.

My situation is similar to yours: my two boys, 15 and 18, live with us, his kids do not. But we parent my kids together. I disagree that the primary bond in this kind of family is mother to her children, and the dad/mom's BF or husband/or any other father figure is on the side. This is what PD BMs have with their kids - it is very unhealthy.

If your boys see you two as a team they will benefit more than if mommy is always there to "protect" them and thus give them more power than the man in the house. They do not need that power now, they need to see adults as having that power together. When there is a disagreement between my husband and my sons, I support my husband. We can hash it out behind closed doors but we have a united front for all to see.

Somehow I do not think it was abusive to dump water on your nephew ( i see you are in AZ, not North Dakota) - nor would i advocate that method on a regular basis. But IMO on a regular basis kids have to see that adults are a team; then they will grow up and look for that kind of partnership in a relationship and not fall for a strong ballbuster ( like mommy) who will emasculate the hell out of them.

Yosemite's picture

Why is it that if the woman is strong that automatically means the man is emasculated? I just want an equal partnership.

Yosemite's picture

First of all, it wasn't because he tried to get my lazy kids out of bed, it was because I feel it was an abusive way to do it. Plus who cares if my kids are in bed or not? They weren't hurting him and it wasn't even late for a Sunday.
Secondly, the only reason I was putting pepper spray was because of his comment about practical joke, so I was trying to show him how "jokes" can be a problem.
Third, weren't you the one blogging about how others were treating you yet here you are calling me psycho? I think that was uncalled for.

Yosemite's picture

I appreciate the clarification but I disagree with you. When DH minimized my concern about his actions by saying it was more in the realm of a practical joke and left, it was reasonable to try to show him that just because something is a "joke" doesn't mean it's okay.
I didn't know if the pepper spray would do anything or not. I also assumed that it wouldn't do any permanent damage so I would not classify it as "psycho".

Everyone who raised concerns about poor DH's junk can rest assured, I threw all his boxer briefs in the washer and am currently plotting an alternative "joke" to make my point. I don't want to do permanent damage or wind up in jail over making a point.

ctnmom's picture

I've decided I'm voting for your DH getting his own "ice bucket challenge" the next time he's sleeping in.Make sure you say "What? It's a 'practical joke'!" Nephew gets to witness.

Disneyfan's picture

I agree. If it was just a joke, then it shouldn't be a problem when it's done to him.

justthegirlfriend13's picture

I haven't read all the responses, and I'm all for fun and jokes between couples, but you are taking his idea of a joke and plotting revenge instead of returning the joke. I saw your update and it is the right thing to do, but I still think you are blowing it way out of proportion.

Also, I don't think you are in a position to be married IMHO. If you place your DH/ your life partner/ soul mate, etc. below your children and talk about him the way you are here with no respect to his opinions, feelings or place in your and your kids lives other than to be treated like just another adult, you really have no business being married.

I feel sorry for your DH!

Yosemite's picture

The sad part is that I agree with you. DH pushed and pushed to get married and I kinda regret doing it.
I love him, but I am very independent and I don't want to have to answer to anybody else.

oneoffour's picture

So what kind of model are you presenting to your children? That one person makes all the calls and the other person has to sit by and nod? OK, so this child you have insisted on taking in (whether he agreed with it or not) has to be accepted as your own and DH has to play along with it. Yet this is a marriage? This is 2 equal partners in a loving selfless relationship? That you both are recognised as the single parent you are and 'the other adult in the house'.

In time your kids will make the same kind of choices in partners. Because this is the model they see on a daily basis.

And FTR, throwing ice and water over a 15 yr old who will not get up is not abusive. Spraying him with pepper spray or hitting him over the head repeatedly is abusive. Is the ice bucket experience an extreme reaction? Yes. But as your husband has no autonomy in your home I suppose he was pushed into a corner.

Consider separating which will allow you both to parent the way you want.

Yosemite's picture

I was home but I was in the yard cleaning up from the party. I saw DH come out and pick up the cooler, but assumed he was going to, ya know, put it in the garage where it goes.
You are right that something has to change, I just don't know what it will be. And since DH won't even acknowledge there was a problem, I don't know how we go about fixing it.

JustAgirl42's picture

We hear this so much on this site: 'The spouse is the #1 priority and the child is the #1 responsibility'.

I'm always thrown for a loop when I read about a situation on here that seems to go against that line of thinking.

SMto3's picture

I haven't read all of the responses yet, but Yosemite, I don't think that "getting DH back" is the answer. In your post, you said that your kids come first and basically further state that what DH wants or doesn't want to happen in your home doesn't really matter if it doesn't matter to you. It sounds like the flipside to what a lot of SMs go through. I also didn't read your backstory so I'm not sure if there is anything more going on, but the fact that you threw the D word around seems like the way you're feeling is pretty serious. Is there a way where maybe you can communicate with him, letting him know that dumping ice on your nephew is considered physical abuse? Is there a way to resolve your issues without having to resort to ultimatums?

Yosemite's picture

I didn't have a reaction but then I don't cry when I chop onions either. Or maybe it's because I've had the pepper spray for awhile, does it lose strength?
I am not crazy, just trying to make a point. I have seen the error of my ways in regards to the pepper spray in the boxer briefs and I put them in the wash.
If that's okay in your house, fine, but I consider it abusive. DH obviously didn't, but I do.

twoviewpoints's picture

Can I ask why Dh was in the kid's bedroom telling kid to get up to begin with? You said it wasn't late, you had no problem with kid still sleeping. What prompted DH to go in and want the kid to get up?

Was DN suppose to be getting up to be doing something (example: helping you out in the yard cleaning up)? And then when kid didn't leap right up outta bed instantly, DH dumped a cooler of ice/cold water on the kid? WTF?

No, this wasn't a ha-ha gotcha practical joke between two people who like to joke around together...this was DH being an asshole. I'm curious as to what instigated the entire episode.

Wah-wah-11's picture

Teachers & neighbors have rules. If a child were to not mind a teacher or neighbor that would be disrespectful ... Why on earth earth would you not allow your husband to parent all? If your son didn't get up when told that's disrespectful

Wah-wah-11's picture

All 4 other pages of comments didn't show up in mine until this morning but I saw it this morning

misSTEP's picture

I went with a friend to visit her family in another state. Her SF decided that we didn't get up early enough (our schedule was to stay up late and sleep in. They wouldn't allow us to do any chores so I have no idea why we needed to get up early) and dumped ice water on us.

I was absolutely enraged.

Unfreakingreal's picture

I didn't read all the comments, but my opinion is that you need to get a divorce. Not because he dumped ice on the kid, yeah, that was fucked up, I'm sure you can get over it, as will your nephew. Not because you pepper sprayed his boxers either. A bit on the psycho side, but in anger we all do dumb shit, I lit ExH's underwear on fire once so I get it.
However, your post seethes with hate and anger. Your marriage sounds like a war of the roses. Blending 2 families and then expecting that neither ADULT/PARENT is to play a role in the others children is bullshit.

What gives ANYONE the right to say "Ok, I'm gonna marry you but you see those kids? You're nobody to them, so you keep your opinions, parenting, disciplining to yourself. And those kids over there? I'm nobody to them either so I'll keep my opinions, parenting and disciplining to myself."
That is ugly and is not in any way shape or form what it means to be married to someone you love.
It's actually quite sad and you need to get divorced pronto. Wow, I'm still shaking my head.