I guess I called it (and that is not a good thing...)
I was anticipating drama with bio mom when we had to ask her for her financial info... We haven't had to talk to her for much in the past but when we did she was always a major pain.
Well, this is what happened. My husband asked her for her financials. She sent it no problem.. Then she proceeded to send an email saying he now owed her for child support for the 2 kids when they go to university in the fall... Ummm.. What.
So the steps are going to college out of town in the big city. Right now my husband has been paying for SD child support during high school. SS has been out of high school and is almost 20. So bio mom thought all of the sudden she would be receiving child support for the both of them while they lived away from home.
My husband texted back and said support is not payable if they live away from home. She replies she is going to contact her lawyer. We screenshotted the agreement (drafted by BMs lawyer and highlighted where is said child support terminates if the student lives away from home. Then they are to split the college fees according to their income.
Well she replies that aw crap.... She was assuming that she was going to be using the child support money to pay for their apartment in the city... And... Now she doesn't have enough money for SD to go to the city to live this summer as they planned on since support ended.
Basically she didn't save enough money for their college expenses, it sounds like. She has saved a small amount of money for their college but not much. On top of that, they have chosen an expensive area in the city to live in. Assuming my husband would pay for both child support, AND college tuition and their apartment... Etc. Also...
SD has never had a job and has absolutely no savings to contribute whatsoever. SS has saved some from his job. SS is not eligible for the provincial loan. However I still feel he could get a loan from the bank..
Somehow, I gather, the lack of planning on their behalf is going to fall as an emergency on my husband. Who, has not been consulted on any of these choices until now when they want the money. Will they blame him? Alienate him farther?
My advice to him was to cut bio mom out of correspondence completely and tell her he'll deal with the kids directly.
Then have an in face conversation with the kids and figure out the financial plan. Then my husband will still contribute his portion and the remainder is to be figured out between their mom and /or bank loans for the kids.
I just don't want bio moms lack of planning to affect our household. As it is, I am on disability and still managed to secure my own portion for my own 3 kids to go to university! Apparently she has not done the same. I just feel like it's going to be all his fault somehow.
- Yesterdays's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
My advice to him was to cut
Great idea! My DH and BM did have an agreement about $ for skids' college up until age 21 (and health insurance until they graduated, which he provided), but, like the BM in your situation, she and the skids made expensive out-of-state arrangements without consulting with DH and expected him to pony up (this must be right out of the playbook,eh?). He did to an extent. But both skids had to get loans, which they are still paying off well into their 30s.
That sounds like what they'll
That sounds like what they'll have to do
like the BM in your situation
This does seem like what happened... They never considered whatsoever how it would be paid for
My agreement says the exact
My agreement says the exact same thing... No support is payable for myself because my daughter is going away to school and then I split the uni expenses with my ex. I guess bio mom never thought this far in advance and now she's almost seeming to make it out like it's my husbands fault...
However she didn't understand the agreement wording and just assumed she could do whatever and my husband is paying for all of it, lol. So my husband texted his kids directly asking for the cost of tuition and housing and is waiting for a response.
My advice to him was to cut
This is exactly what we did with my SDs. There was nothing in the court order about college expenses, so about a year before they graduated high school, we sat down with them and told them exactly what we would pay for so they could start planning. I knew that BM absolutely wouldn't contribute anything, so I also prepared a list of resources for them to use to begin to sort out scholarships and loans. So far it's mostly worked out except for OSD did throw a fit at the end of her first year when she tried to get us to pay for something we had not agreed to. But it was short-lived and we were able to refer back to the first conversation (which I recapped in detail with an email), "that's not what we agreed to, you'll need to figure this out for yourself."
Overall I think setting the expectations early and equipping them to make arrangements for the rest is the best way to go.
That is pretty much my plan
That is pretty much my plan too. And with my own kids I have it all worked out.. I really hope he takes my advice and just has an honest conversation with his kids, the sooner the better. he hasn't talked to his kids at all about finances .. I was encouraging him to have a discussion with them before and it hasn't happened yet. Now they are in this somewhat predicament where their mom has figured out all these accommodations for them that she can't afford and was expecting my husband to pay for the majority... No one thought it out... SD has no savings...
Dealing with bio mom would be a nightmare and I don't care what she does on her end but I think it can be figured out regardless of whatever.... It's easiest to plan around her then trying to figure out anything with her. She's extremely defensive and always immediately rude right off the bat..
I think he needs to talk to the kids and figure it out and leave bio mom out of it.
Nice try, BM! "Ohhh, I'm so
Nice try, BM! "Ohhh, I'm so confused! I'm just, like, not so good at reading things or thinking about things!"
Those kids will regret going the expensive route and taking out loans for the rest of their lives. Idk if there are any schools within driving distance, but living at home vs borrowing makes the most sense. Loans might make sense if you are in an elite program that will 100% pay enough to make it worth it. But for most undergrad programs, that's not the case.
I honestly think they didn't
I honestly think they didn't think about the choices because they thought my husband was paying for it. They could have found a place in a cheaper area (they are right down town) and then bussed in or they probably could have even commuted on the GO train.
I feel a bit stressed out about it all but I think my hubby and I are in the same page that he'll deal with the kids and figure it out, without his ex involvement. If they guilt trip him I will be livid about it because of how they have all treated him
Not all families are equal in resources. The "dream school"
The "dream school" fallacy creates a huge debt problem for many families and college kids. Approximately two thirds of graduates have durable debt at graduation due to their choice of school and the related costs.
I have mentored a number of my employees over the years to work on their degrees on the pay as they go model without borrowing.
I was not able to do this model entirely. Even with parental help, I owed $10K when I graduated. It was actually owed by both my brother and I but it was in my name because I could get supplemental loans without a parent cosigner. We had a mortgage on the condo we had purchased together. When we graduated he paid the mortgage payments and I paid the school loan payments. We sold the condo after about 6mos. We both took hourly rate jobs as our first jobs. This actually allowed me to clear the $10K in school loans and pay it off completely in 9mos. We worked so much OT that we more than doubled our annual base equivalent salary in that 9mos. We both promoted to salaried engineer roles 14mos after graduating with our BSEE degree.
Not only did we collaborate on our BS degree and associated expenses for undergrad, we went to grad school together using our employer's tuition reimbursement education benefits. An MBA that would normally take about 20mos took us 54mos due to the annual limit on tuition reimbursement. Interestingly, 2mos after we graduated together from grad school our employer doubled the tuition reimbursement. If we had that benefit level when we were in grad school we would have graduated in about 36 to 40 mos. We had to request two Dean level extension approvals to continue our Master's program. The way we worked it out was we went to school full time for the first 6mos and the last 6mos. We started at mid year and used the annual benefit for that calendar year. Then went EO term for the second, third, and 4th calendar years. Then full time for the first 6mos of the 5th calendar year.
Grad school we did while working full time and raising small kids. For DW and I we also had the challenge of her going to school full time as well. She graduated with her BS a year before my brother and I finished our Master's.
We covered her Master's on the pay as she went model as well. No loans. She finished her Master's 3yrs after my brother and I finished ours.
This takes a ton of work, focus, and dedication. However, it allows for degree completion and avoidance of tons of school debt.
The big sacrifice is that it does not support the "dream school" model for most people unless they have significant scholarships. Most people on this model go to local schools.
For me, I got into Duke University Fuqua Bchool of business distance learning program. That would have cost me $80K 30 years ago. The school we graduated from with our MBAs cost $25K. Duke is a flag ship program. However, the label was not worth the associated costs at that time.
Our undergrads are also not from flag ship schools. Solid, accredited schools with recognized engineering programs. Not MIT by any means.
However, both my brother and I have had graduates of blue chip engineering and business schools work for us in our careers. My bride is a graduate of solid programs. He undergrad from a private school and her MBA from a significant state university. She has had and now has blue chip graduates working for her.
My point is, keep the kid's heads in the game, keep the collective parent and family heads in the game, and execute the path to the goal.
If the dream school path is within family means. Go for it.
I hope your SS's succeed and that you and dad are not buried in drama and debt supporting them. If BM can step up, even better.
Just my thoughts and experience of course.
The shit side will often try to blame the quality side
for the shit decisions made by the shit side.
Sadly, kids often nuzzle the shit side more than the quality side due to mommy or daddy issues, PASing, etc...
We never had to deal with this. We intended to give SS the full meal deal mom and dad full scholarship ride to the school of his choosing. However, the caveat was that he had to petition the SpermLand DA to continue CS as an enrolled student in a University/College/Tech School and remain a student in good standing with his selected school. CS would stop going to the CP upon aging out of the CO at the later of turning18yo or HS graduation and CS would then go directly to the kid still via direct payroll withholding from the NCP's employer and administered by the SpermLand CSE office. CS could extend to up to 3 additional years. By that time CS was at $385/mo so it would have been a decent spending cash stipend for SS as we would have covered tuition, fees, room, board, car, insurane, and travel.
The guilt trip they piled on SS to not "take food out of" his younger sibs' mouths was a big part of why he chose to not go that route.
Even more pathetic than that was once he turned 18 the SpermClan demanded that he repay the 17+ years of CS they had paid on him starting just before his 1st birthday. Considering that the USDA sets the cost of raising a kid from birth to 18, all in, at between $310K and $375K (That breaks down to between $17K and $23K annually.) depending on regional and lifestyle factors, the ~50K they paid in CS was a pittance. At that point he gained clarity that he should have take us up on the full meal deal mom and dad scholarship and nailed the Spermidiot for 3 more years of CS. He categorically told them to F-off with that request until he enlisted in the military and reported for basic training nearly a year after graduating from HS. At that point the pressure amplified though their verbiage shifted. No more "repay the CS". Rather it was "we need your help feeding your sibs". That was pretty much the write off point for him to purge the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool from his life.
He has had zero contact with any of them for 5+ years at this point.
I hope your SKids are successful in their college studies and that their BM's poor planning does not add drama to yours and DH's life or the SKids.
When it comes down to it I
When it comes down to it I hope to simply avoid the drama with her and do what is needed for his kids regardless. I hope to take her out of the equation and whatever craziness she is on about. Like I have said numerous times to my husband.... There should be no emotion... This is all about numbers only. It's black and white. Pay your portion and that is that. That's how I'm looking at it for my kids too. They will send me the invoice and I am then paying my share after the other deductions.
I should also mention... They
I should also mention... They live in a university town that has the same programs but they are choosing to go to school in a different city where the rent is much more expensive.
So they could have, like,
So they could have, like, lived at home and paid no additional living expenses. It sounds like they are not used to hearing "no" and their parents don't know how to say it. It's one thing if paying the rent for them is no skin off the parents' backs, but it sounds like BM and your DH can't afford it. Debt for this choice is beyond dumb and will saddle them for years. The parents, by being afraid to tell the Poopsies "no", are actually harming them. Or failing to prevent harm.
I completely agree and I find
I completely agree and I find it crazy that no one tried to figure out how this would all work beforehand.
Bio mom literally came out and said she expected that she would use the child support paid to her to pay her portion of this rent. And then she realized there is no support payable if they live away. Yikes. I am sure they will figure it out and I just hope their dad doesn't end up being the bad guy here..... I think he should pay his portion and that's it. (which is still a lot) and you're right they will end up with some debt and like I said to my husband, that was a choice they made to go the more expensive route.
This is downtown Toronto...
This is downtown Toronto... Smack dab downtown.... For the past year his daughter was taking the train there every weekend to chill and hangout rather than having a weekend job. Don't even know how she got the money to take the train there!
SS has a gf that lives there
SS has a gf that lives there and that's the reason he wants to live there too now... But for *some* reason the girlfriends parents are against them living together in the same flat ,which would have saved money.
I am sure this will come as a
I am sure this will come as a shock to the little darlings but it's time to consider living in an affordable area. Have they heard of junior college? Lol Time to apply for FAFSA and whatever else they can find.
I am still annoyed at the way DH handled SD's college but alas, it's over now and the way they did it drained BM pretty good too.
This speaks volumes regarding the parents of SS's GF.
Clearly they have zero interest in facilitating or financially contributing to cohabitation between their DD and her BF (your SS) at this time. Even if it costs them more to house their DD.
If SS and DH are looking at this intelligently, SS has a chance to adjust, be a person that GF's parents can develop respect for, and potentially support the relationship between their DD and your SS. Your DH has the opportunity to parent and advise his DS.