How does she justify it?!
BM is still emotionally abusing (in my opinion) the kids with guilt trips, manipulation and lies. Making promises of things they can have and do when they are back living with her. Despite not doing anything with them when she did have them. SD has mentioned BM posting photos on facebook making it look like she has attended SS's football match and looking like she is mum of the year.
Her behaviour is hurting the children. She must know this! Controlling them and telling them what they are allowed to think. The unreliable and unpredictable nature of their lives with her with boyfriends moving in after knowing them a couple of days. Not taking them to school. The kids not being able to wake her up. Teaching those kids that love is conditional.
The thought of the possible long term consequences for the kids are terrifying. This stuff has to be impacting on them. She has painted herself as the victim to them and they have been trained to agree with her. No matter that all her problems are caused by her own actions.
We are in touch with a therapist and trying to arrange sessions for both kids. They seem more settled here apart from before and after contact. But long term ..... what has all this done to their view of the world!
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She doesn't justify it. More
She doesn't justify it. More than likely, she doesn't give a sh*t.
She likely sees them as nothing more than extensions of herself, and therefore she's entitled to do whatever she wants to them. She probably sees herself as the best parent ever as a result!
And you're right to be worried. She's screwing them up something fierce. The problem is that she doesn't care, because her own needs are being met.
I can't figure out if she
I can't figure out if she really is clueless to the harm she is doing.
She is super controlling and volatile when questioned. The kids are talking more now but there was a lot they have covered up while it was still joint custody.
At court she told a lot of
At court she told a lot of lies but luckily they saw through her.
She tells everyone that the kids want to be back with her and full time not shared. She keeps telling the kids she is getting them back and they won't see their dad again.
SD wants to be here - she even reported BM to her school - but is too scared to tell her mum. They are both more stable here - school attendance is way up, no uniform is going missing, no messing with the schedule and no missed meals.
SS is younger and BM has worked hard over the years to convinced him that she is the victim and that BF is to blame for every wrong thing in the world. He has said that he wants to live here too but whether he would say that if asked by a professional ..... he gets either screamed at or a heavy guilt trip when he goes against BM.
SD got really upset one night and was crying and shaking - she said BM kept wanting her to agree with the bad things she said about BF and that she was scared not to.
Oh a therapist can't cure
Oh a therapist can't cure that but I was hoping that it would help them cope with the situation and see it is ok to have their own opinions and not to want to have their entire life controlled. I don't think they see all the manipulation from BM.
I expected the kids to be upset at not seeing BM as much but they really don't seem that bothered. Even when (BM chosen contact days) the schedule means they don't see her for 5 days in a row.
I think the change for SD was that BM got caught - it was like the floodgates opened with her after that.
She is following the court
She is following the court order but was quick to tell the court lots of lies. It has always seemed like she talks at them and over them. Even when one is upset and trying to explain she spins the conversation around to her own issues.
We already have a court order but she can take BF to court to change it if she proves she is drug free.
It is still odd to have no screaming phone calls in the middle of the night, no kids randomly dropped off hours earlier than arranged, no missed school, no threats (to us anyway) and no demands for money.
Well if she is a narcissist
Well if she is a narcissist she doesn't see what she is doing is what's hurting them. She sees y'all as the ones hurting them and she will do whatever she has too (fool them into coming with her) to get them "safely" from you. That's her reality. She is a victim, her children are your prey and she is telling them a white lie to save them from y'all.
My SS4's mom tells him things, spoils him with treats, toys and whatever to keep being his favorite parent. She tells DH all the time that SS wants to live with her and that he will when he's old enough to speak for himself (she thinks 8-9) but what she refuses to believe is that when he is here, at his primary home, he doesn't ask for her. He doesn't mope around the housing staring out the window waiting for her return. She doesn't believe he's happy when he's here with us. She can't or it would crack her reality. My DH is a pretty good dad and takes care of all of his needs (with some of my help). He doesn't do anything wrong or bad to be as bad as a parent as BM believe/tells other people. But there's nothing he can do to make her think he's actually a good dad because that doesn't fit into her heroic mom mindset.
I had never thought about it
I had never thought about it like that. In her calm / sane ish moments she has said that my partner is a good dad. Until he said no to her demands and then he was a terrible person who hated the kids.
The kids are free to ring their mum whenever they want but don't. She rings and texts them. Then gets mad that SS doesn't text back and tells SD to make him reply.
My partner has pretty much done the dad and mum role for years but she still presents herself as an independent single mother. It must confuse the kids when she was telling people that her kids were her world and then wanting them to stay here night after night when she wanted child free time.