SS19 and college tuition... Storm on the horizon
Lots of details in old blogs so very briefly... SS19 attends a state school out of state - tuition, room, board is about $33,000 per year after federal loans and aid. Other skids go to private grade and high school. DH had big reduction of income last year and BM declared bankruptcy. DH went to court to get out of private school tuitions given SS is going to college and they couldn't afford it all. BM argued DH had no obligation to suport SS and the other 3 should remain in private school. She won (there is no obligation in our state to pay college).
We told SS we would give him 1/2 total cost of an instate school per year but couldn't afford more. BM refused to commit any money. He chose to go out of state. BM claimed she could get him loans.
At some point during the first semester BM started texting DH about how he needed to pay "his half." She claimed she would pay or take out loans for her half. He told her there were no halves, he'd pay what he committed and that was it. So she emailed his parents saying he was shirking his responsibilities.
Bigger issue... By the end of last semester the bill was not paid so SS could not register for spring courses. So of course we put the $ we set aside for spring to the fall. Now spring has started, we've paid our total amount and there's $10,000 remaining. BM tells DH she won't pay anymore and SS will "have to get loans." Only she can't consign (bankruptcy) and I refuse to allow DH to cosign.
Meanwhile she just bought SD17 a $300 prom dress, wants us to pay for a $400 class ring, and split the cost of a trip abroad with her team for her $500.
DH will push for one of the following:
- he will want to cosign loans (over my dead body)
- he will want to take amount we have for next semester and pay it now
Ive been a broken record about how using $ for the next semester now only delays the inevitable of BM and SS figuring out how they will pay for this, but DH feels his hands are tied. I feel bad for him honestly. He feels responsible to save skids from their moms irresponsible choices.
So question to you ladies: would you agree to use next semesters $ now, knowing then there's no $ at all for sophomore fall? The backdrop to all this is that I'm at the end of long medical training and will soon get a much higher paying job. But I don't intend to use my $ for SS tuition, though there is an expectation I will.
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No no... DH has been telling
No no... DH has been telling him it's not covered. But then BM tells him everything will be fine. He's a kid, well a 19 year old kid. Who's he going to believe? The parent who tells him what he wants to hear. He won't realize there's really a problem until things hit the proverbial fan.
^^^^^^I agree with this. And
^^^^^^I agree with this.
And I would like to add that paying for private school for school age kids over having a college fund is also idiotic. Public school and getting into a good college is very doable. College is what gives you a career, not high school. Can't believe the BM doesn't see that.
He could forward the emails.
He could forward the emails. I don't think he will. I was of the opinion he should show SS the court docs where she pled DH had no obligation to pay SS college. But he wouldn't.
I am going to stay mum about this until he brings it up. We had a fight just last week where I was predicting all this would happen. I don't want to seem as if I'm rubbing it in.
This is crazy...Don't pay.
This is crazy...Don't pay. The kid needs to transfer to a more affordable school.
Do not do any private loans. Biggest mistake you can make is to finance an education. What if he doesn't pay them off????
He doesn't qualify for work
He doesn't qualify for work study. DH and BM make too much (they just spend it all on pricey private schools). He will work this summer and hopefully make a lot of $. It's possible he could apply that to fall tuition if we pay this semester.
Yes there will be 3 kids in college soon. My DD18 is also at school. Full disclosure she goes to private college. But I pay for it entirely out of $ I had before DH and I married.
He may not qualify for work
He may not qualify for work study, but that does not mean he can't work. Neither of my son's qualified for work study, yet both found jobs and worked. One on campus and one off campus.
You didn't make the poor
You didn't make the poor decisions and choices so you should have no "blow back" or obligation to subsidize SS'S education. I would figure out what half of instate tuition is, times 4 and that's what SS has to work with period. And if he uses it early, so be it but the total is that, the total.
Your BM is a piece of work. I remember your DH trying to stop private school. Essentially, BM has spent SS'S college fund. And I remember she told him he would be able to get loans to cover tuition at the out of state college. Super, duper dumn*ss BM. Everything you predicted has happened.
Maybe her brother will cosign for some more loans.
Hi Robin! I know I'm like a
Hi Robin! I know I'm like a psychic right
The worst part is DH and I have gone back to our marriage counselor. She's pretty good with stepfamily issues in general but for some odd reason seems to see my income as "our" income and available to help skids. This seems to have given DH hope. Ugh.
Yes, will you please send me
Yes, will you please send me the Powerball numbers? !
Ugh, does the counselor know that your DH doesn't have any retirement to speak of? Is DH'S money going to go for your DD'S college tuition? A partnership isn't one sided. I'm sorry about your situation. And SS'S dilemma only exists because of BM.
I just saw that you posted
I just saw that you posted it's the counselor who thinks you should subsidize DH's children. That's is utter bullsh*t. That as stupid as saying you should let your DH have sex with other women. You've worked your ass off to earn your credentials - you deserve to reap the benefits - not some entitled crotch droppings.
I'm more possessive of my money than I am of DH's penis. }:)
Thanks I agree! My money will
Thanks I agree! My money will go to pay for the kids I want us to have together. I should be able to afford them on my own until DH is done with support and college. I'm not giving up on having my own kids just to support skids!!!
Counselor is good with most things - calls out DH for being guilty, thinks BM is manipulative, etc. so I'm going to give her a shot on this. I get that's she's thinking about the long term health of my marriage and family. Obviously I have no obligation to give, but it might be better if I did, that sort of thing.
Honestly if it weren't for the rampant irresponsibility of BM and SS I'd feel more inclined. I just can't subsidize this nonsense.
Yes DH and I married when our
Yes DH and I married when our oldest two were in high school. There wasn't enough time to plan for college - the course had been set long ago. We tried to end the private school for the other 3 so we could actually save a little for college but BM wouldn't hear of it.
Make sure he does not co-sign
Make sure he does not co-sign anything behind your back. Men with wobbly spines do some really stupid things. If he does file for legal separation or divorce ASAP to protect yourself.
Even if you are going to make lots more money in the relatively near future you do not want to end up stuck with a couple hundreds of thousands of school debt. You probably have enough of your own if you've been in medical training.
Your DH committed what he could afford. And he paid it. The fact that others have left a big gaping hole is not up to him to fix.
There's lots of options for this young man. He's just being a selfish brat who wants what he wants and is acting very entitled. As for BM - IGNORE THE WHORE.
And who has the expectation that you will be forking over your income to subsidize the "entitled one"? Is it BM, the skids, the ILs, or your DH? You have no obligation to discuss your finances to anyone but your DH. And your DH only gets to know what you choose to tell me.
In our prenup it actually
In our prenup it actually says neither of us can take out a loan without the express written permission of the other. Now I can't enforce that in the here and now but hopefully it would prevent a judge thinking it was MY responsibility too.
As for expectations.., it's subtle but present. DH says stuff like "once you start making money we can afford more" right after we've been talking about our tight finances. Counselor brought up my newly increased income when we were talking about SS19 college in the vein of "well it will be better soon." I set her straight that I have no intention of paying for skids. DH pouted. In laws make subtle comments about things being better soon, heck even the kids said it once when DH told him he couldn't afford private school. I'm sure it came right from BM. I'm so SICK of everyone thinking about money I don't even freaking make yet!!! :O
Yeah things ARE really tight
Yeah things ARE really tight right now... Ridiculous given how much DH makes. But support private school and college are pricey. Of course I plan to somewhat improve my and DHs standard of living - more meals out, maybe an extra vacation. But my big goals are retirement and our joint kids. There's no extra $ to feed into the insanity of BMs financial plan for skids. I hate the entitled attitude too. It's not like he put me through med school...
Ohhh, so BM is telling SS
Ohhh, so BM is telling SS it's going to work out because she knows you're going to be making more income soon.
Lovely.