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Baby mama & creating boundaries

WishfulThinking's picture

I may not be married to the man and be an official "step mother" but as someone loving a child I didn't create and helping raise him when at our home on our weekends with him..I hope y'all can help me. 
I have been feeling this ugly anger when lately and I don't know how to control it. I have never felt comfortable with the level of communication my boyfriend has with his sons mother, I have delt with it and pushed down my feelings since we moved in together. He and his sons mother have never been married and weren't even dating when they made the child. After a couple influences in their systems they did the dead and now have a life long commitment to each other. 
I have respected that they have to have a good relationship for the sake of the child for A LONG TIME, to the best of my ability! I even had some success when trying to form a level of communication with baby mama on my own. I was finally picking up his son on my own, we (my boyfriend, me & babymama) even were all in a group message (which was short lived, it only lasted a weekend). Even when doing that and keeping her updated with pictures, texts, etc. she was STILL texting my boyfriend. 
After trying to not let that bother me to much, a couple days later I snapped..they were texting for almost a whole day. I didn't/still don't know what they were talking about. I honestly don't think it was anything bad but I didn't appreciate that he was even doing it and if he wasn't he shouldn't have been saying "assume I was, what would be the problem with that". THEN when asked to show me the texts so I could know if it was really all day and if it was what it was about if they were talking about, he wouldn't show me. 
Basically I broke and said how I've been bending over backwards to try and understand/communicate with her on my own so those bridges could get built but she CONTINUES to send you videos and daily messages which may or may not have been an all day thing! That is not okay with me, it's the biggest red flag to me as well as disrespectful. 

He didn't make negotiating boundaries easy for me at all and there was a point I honestly thought we were broken up because he was insinuating that we would break up if this kept being something I brought up. In the past that comment scared me, but this time I was ready to throw in the towel because I couldn't stand feeling like he would give up our relationship instead of compromise on the amout of communication he was having with another women, someone I would have to deal with for the rest of our lives together and I didn't want to feel that way for my life. 
He finally did agree to some boundaries but it has been so challenging to get back to our "normal". I'm not even sure if he's not talking to her today tbh, he's been mad at me because we got in a disagreement about this topic again and have for the past 3 nights. 
Am I being unreasonable for expecting him to accept/follow through with boundaries? I'm not asking for him to be rude to her, just show me texts when they are outside the topic of their son..I can't live my whole life feeling like he sees her as more important then us and our relationship. 
 

Comments

JRI's picture

He still has some kind of emotional tie to her.  You're not unreasonable.  You dont want to be the live-in nanny.    I'd save myself a ton of grief and let this one go.  You will find someone who is emotionally available to give you the kind of life you need and deserve.  Good luck.

Stepdrama2020's picture

Be livid, I know I am reading this.

Your SO is loving having two women "fighting" for his attention.

Not cool. He aint over her. Gawd only knows. Emotional cheating is the worst kind. It takes everything away from you.

Id leave the prick with the ex, so he can text all he wants. You will be too busy, too happy to f*king care.

He wont show you the texts because he knows what he is doing and saying is wrong. He also tries to whip you into shape by telling you that you need to accept this boundary relationship crossing or we are done.

So be done.

There is better out there. You deserve it my dear.

ESMOD's picture

I think it's totally reasonable for you to expect that he and his EX communicate only in relation to their shared child.   That doesn't mean that they can't be civil about it... but generally, unless the child is in the hospital.. texting all day shouldn't be necessary.

Texts to confirm pickup arrangements.. to relay that the child feels ill... etc.. fine.  but I can't see it being daily.. several times a day with the EX.

Winterglow's picture

"he was insinuating that we would break up if this kept being something I brought up"

What a creep and what a fool. He doesn't realize that if he doesn't voluntarily give up this flirting (well why else won't he own up about it) with his ex that you will break up anyway? He thinks that it's his way or the highway? Clod that he is. Next time he even hints at breaking up, smile sweetly at him and say, "I'm so glad you see things my way. Now, pack your bags and go/I'll just pack my bags and go." (depending on whose home you're living in, of course - I so hope it's your place). 

Don't worry too much about leaving him. Even if he promised to stop it, yoiu can be sure that he wouldn't, he'd just get better at hiding it. As things stand, he is disrespecting you in a major way and you don't have to stand for that. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

CLove's picture

So you are wondering if you are justified in having the boundary of your partner not having a daily texting, but wont show you the texts relationship with baby-momma? He has you beat down and gaslit. Its like when something is bad, it gets bad in small little increments and someone looking from the outside sais "how do you put up with that?"

Its like your in a pot and the heat turns up slowly until it starts boiling. Friend, you are getting boiled.

He is super enmeshed with the baby momma and loves the triangulation. I dont care if this man is the "enternal twin flame, soul mate love of your life with the Golden Rod of Passion", you do not need to settle for this. Steplife is hard enough if you are solid, but this enmeshment emotional involvement with baby momma is a deal-breaker.

strugglingSM's picture

I agree with the comments above, your BF is enjoying being the center of attention for two women. 

I'll give some context, when I met my DH, BM was texting and calling him multiple times a day just to use him as an emotional outlet. She was already remarried at the time. I told my DH that I wasn't interested in having a relationship with someone who was still in a relationship with his ex wife....so, he stopped taking her daily calls and stopped replying to her messages, unless it was something urgent about the kids. He knew he wanted a relationship with someone else and didn't want BM to continue to run his life. He's not perfect and creating strong boundaries was a process, but now, he rarely hears from BM and he does not serve as an emotional resource for her anymore. If your BF really wants a relationship with you, he will do the same. If not, he will continue to threaten you with a breakup if you talk to him about setting healthy boundaries to protect your relationship. 

WishfulThinking's picture

Part of me knew that this would be the initial reaction but another part of me was hoping it wouldn't be. It's a bitter sweet thing hearing other's opinions that make you feel validated in your feelings but also sad because you hoped it wouldn't be an emotional factor between them. 
I really love him, so it's hard. I don't want to go but I don't feel like I'm making him or myself happy by living this way. Because I can't get over it. 
I really prayed and hoped that our relationship was as important to him as his with baby mama. He always said it was because of the past he had to grow up with and how he didn't want his son to experience that. I hoped I was enough for him. I really don't want him not to be in my life:(

 

Winterglow's picture

"Because I can't get over it"

And we are telling you that you shouldn't have to.  Sounds like it's ultimatum time. Tell him that you will no longer tolerate him carrying on his emotional affair (well, what else is it?) with BM and that you're leaving him to her. Personally, I don't think there's any point in this (other than helping you to break free) because even if he says he'll stop, even if he seems to stop for a couple of weeks, he's too enmeshed with her to actually give her up. He'll just get better at hiding the messaging.