I guess we've all had both, right? Some of it has been a success and some perhaps not so much. I'm curious as to what you think has been behind the times when you were successfully being what you consider an effective SM and what might have been going on when things were not so effective.

For me, the times when I think I've been really connecting with SD happened when I was just viewing her as another kid and not my husband's daughter. Sometimes the whole situation is emotionally charged for me in terms of who SD is, the product of DH and BM. I have real anger issues with BM and I have protective and loyality issues when it concerns DH. The best times with SD are when I'm able to put those things aside and just see her as a kid, someone who stuggles like the rest of us. The best thing I ever did was develop my own relationship with her, separate from DH and BM.

The worst times happen when I'm allowing my need for control to cloud everything. For the most part, I don't have any control over how SD comes up or even a lot of the things she does in my household or at school. I can influence her a little but other than that, not really much control at all. And that is hard. It's always hard to really feel like we can't control outcomes. When you are trying to fit a stepchild into your life, a life you believe you have control over and the idea that you have no control over that child, that's a hard thing to deal with. Letting that go is the hardest thing I've ever done and unfortunately I'm still not very good at it. Still, when I think about it, all control is an illusion. Isn't it?