wanting to vent
You know it's interesting...My ex never paid me child support when my son lived with me and then when he went to live with his dad, I didn't pay him. BUT, we split costs on medical, anything school related, sports fees--in general, we really just wanted to make sure our son grew up knowing that both of his parents loved him more than anything. We found going through our divorce, that we didn't want one another to ever have to feel the financial burden on their own.
I know there are those that will say that I should have received child support, and there are those that say I am a deadbeat mother because I don't pay an "offical" child support check.
But there are months where I send a check for a few hundred dollars, because that's half of whatever needs to be paid. I also put money away intoa college fund for our son, which my ex does not do. I will probably be the one to buy him a car when he is at that age. I also pay for any and all summer camp expenses as my son spends the summer with me every year. Oh, and I pay for his cell phone so he can have access to either parent if there is an emergency.
So why does my son live with his dad and not me? No I am not mentally ill, I am perfectly healthy actually. But, my ex does have a very clever controlling and manipulative side and he basically talked me into it when I was at a point when I was sick (physically). I was so sick that one doctor told me ai had cancer, then crohn's, then after getting second opinions, I found out that I am severly lactose intolerant and have really bad IBS.
It rips my heart out every day that I don't see my son. But, his living with his dad meant that I could get the medical attention that I needed and get better.
And you know what, I have a pretty good relationship with my son. We talk every day and when we are together, we have fun just hanging out-playing lego's and board games. He be with us all next week and he's excited about our annual gingerbread house day and helping me bake cookies.
So to all those out there who think the only way a dad can be the primary custodian because the mother is mentally ill--to hell with all of you--times have changed and it is okay for a child to live with their dad most of the time.]
geez.
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I think that every situation
I think that every situation is different and I am really sorry if people think you are less of a person because you don't have full custody of you son. You and your ex know what is best for your child and in some situations it is best that the child lives with there father. I don't think you should be down graded because you are looking out for you son's best interests. I just nice to know that there are people out there that are really looking out for the kids and not thinking of themselves. Good luck.
I think....
Your way should be the way of the future. The CS system and calculator is so antiquated anyway. It doesn't accurately budget what the child's financial needs are. I would much rather have done it your way. But when we divorced we weren't given a choice in our area. I actually didn't want to go through the CS agency but they don't allow you not to in my area. My exH pays a minimal amount of CS and I feel bad collecting now b/c my DH makes twice what my ex and his wife probably make combined. Then his wife told me once how bad he feels b/c he's only really paying support for one son. That might be what his attorney (we shared but they are really representing the person who makes the initial phone call)pulled over on me. I guess my giving up every conceivable amount of money (no spousal, none of his pension / none of the house he inherited though my name was on the deed, etc) wasn't enough. He just had to feel he one upped me. And if I was entitled to double but signed off on half b/c I misunderstood and he feels bad...well...ok. I guess I don't have to feel bad now still collecting. So I now go ahead and pay for most things out of the CS. And my exh is remodeling my basement- laundry and rec room at a fraction of what it would have cost us to get a "professional" to do. My exH is an exceptional craftsman. He also installed our air conditioner asap when our old one went out mid summer when I was pregnant with my toddler. Stuff like that. Hopefully our kids will see that it's not about the money with us.
But I wish though we could have forgone the whole system in the beginning and worked with each other b/c we were both willing to. I commend you and your ex. Your kids are probably better off financially than if you were going to court non-stop over money. That never makes sense to me b/c the attorneys and the court are the ones walking away with the kids college tuition.
Peace, love, and red wine