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Confronting BF about SD5 behaviour towards me

WannabeSM's picture

Hi everyone, 

I wrote about this on my previous post, that I have taken a decision to confront with BF about his daughter's behaviour towards me. 

I tend to forget every problem I have with this SD5 when I am around my BF so I made a list about the things that bother me and told my BF that we were going to have a serious talk and gave him a date, so that I could not avoid this conversation. 

I would like to share the list here, to get some advice from you experienced amazing SMs Smile and to encourage others who want to confront with their partner abour step-parenting ! 

I made the list as gently as possible, please feel free to comment if any of this sounds rude to you or you think I should get nastier Wink Though it already breaks my heart that i will upset him with this conversation but i know i should do it before loose my senses and backfire worse in the future. 

 

THE OPENING: - "You knew what you were getting into"

I realised i am growing feelings that I thought I would not. While reading about it online, i found out that it is normal and happens to anyone that experience similar situations. I think you should know that I am struggling, failing even sometimes.. It's not easy, and she is not helping. At all. 

So here are few things that I knew and that I didn't, in case you are thinking I knew what I was getting into. 

-> I knew it could get tougher than i expected.

x I didn't know the way she acts could HURT me. 

x I didn't know she would try me, try to get into my nerves and i didn't know she could do it INTENTIONALLY.

-> I knew she would prefer to sleep with you

x I didn't know you would let her dictate where I sleep. 

-> I knew it could have been tough for all of us to sleep together.

x I didn't know I'd be kicked out of the bed. I thought i was being understanding accepting her into our bed, so that you two could still sleep together while she is not accepting me into your bed. 

-> I knew it would take time for her to acknowledge me, love me like i love her. 

x I didnt know she would never be able to do that. 

x I didn't know she would refuse to eat the food just because I was the one cooking it, and that it would frustrate me since i have been making an effort for the food for HER in the first place.

 

I was quite hesitant before metting her, since I thought that she could become an image of your past and resemble it when she is around. That never happened. In fact, i welcomed her with open arms in my life. But i thought she was pure enough to do the same. but she is old enough and kid enough to make me an image of her parents' divorce. 

FACT: she treats me poor, does not listen to me and tries to frustrate me. And you should know it. 

 

WHAT I LEARNED: 

-I should not always be around, you should have your time together before i come into the picture, especially first few hours after you pick her up.

-I should not make myself a clown for her attention.

-I should get a bit more tough, say "no" more often to her. Like "no, i cooked that meal and you should eat it." or like "no, I am not leaving the bed, but you can stay if you are afraid of the thunder etc."

-she should learn that there is her bed, and then there is ours. for me, this should be ASAP. But i understand for you, it might take time and i am OK with what conveşnent time you see fit. Just understand how bad it bothers me and know that I am requesting this for the sake of all 3 of us. 

-I should back off a bit so you can have your time alone with her. 

-I should not take her actings personally. I know it's tough what she is being through and I know I am the adult and she is the kid. 

 

WHAT I NEED:

-I need you to be supportive when she acts against me. Laughing because she doesnt eat the food I cooked is not supportive. And it hurts my feelings. 

-I need you to not ask her if she likes me, nor to me. so we wouldnt feel spot on. 

-I need you to not tell me that i am making this all up.She is sending evil looks when you are not looking. she knows enough that you dont expect any bad behaviour coming from her. 

-I need you to understand if i yell, get angry and make her cry in the end, it is NOT because i want any bad to her, but because i want to protect my place in the house. 

-I need you to help me understand my boundaries with her. I feel like (naturally) I should interfere when she eats with her hands, when she doesnt wash them or when she doesnt want to comb her hair.  But I don't because 1) she would never listen to me and could rebel worse and 2) you dont seem to care a bit and if i warn her and then you say "leave it"  then i would look even less important to her. 

So i kindly request you to have a 5 year old talk with her and explain my place in the house and hers. She shouldnt get to patronize your relationship and i shouldnt have to tolerate it. 

 

That was all, thank you for reading !! any comments would highly be appreciated, but not the ones that start with "leave him" please Smile :) 

 

Comments

thinkthrice's picture

if BF retorts:

"you just hate my kid" (TM)

"you're just jealous" (TM)

"you're the adult and she's just a kid " (TM)

Then RUN for the hills!

If you want a life of misery, financial impoverishment and health destroying stress, then keep trying to change the dynamics between him, his princess who can do no wrong, and the BM.  Thousands of experienced, sucessful parents with children of their own have tried to attempt this before you thinking "all you need is LOVE" and have catastrophically failed.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

SteppedOut's picture

Spot on thinkthrice! You forgot one though... 

"You just need to love her and everything will work out!"

Disneyfan's picture

"I should get a bit more tough, say "no" more often to her. Like "no, i cooked that meal and you should eat it." or like "no, I am not leaving the bed, but you can stay if you are afraid of the thunder etc.""

You are not that girl's parent.  Her father gets to decide if the child will eat what she is served or if HE will give her something different.  Sleeping in the same bed as that child should be a HUGE no.  When BM finds out you are sleeping with her kid, she is going to make your life pure hell.

"I need you to understand if i yell, get angry and make her cry in the end, it is NOT because i want any bad to her, but because i want to protect my place in the house."

This is ridiculous.  It pretty much says you are in a power struggle with a FIVE YEAR OLD.  You are putting your boyfriend on notice that in an effort to win, there will be times when you will lose it and make the kid cry.   If you think he's going to sit back and accept that you are kidding yourself.

That list pins ALL of your issues on a FIVE YEAR OLD.  How about holding your boyfriend accountable for the manner in which he his raising his child?  Why not get angry and yell at him for the way he is treating you and allowing his child to speak to you?

You don't want anyone to tell you to leave him, so I won't say that.  But I will say this, if you make this man's child the target of your anger and he's a decent dad, chances are HE WILL LEAVE YOU.

tog redux's picture

Yeah, OP, this list is not OK. You shouldn’t be parenting his kid, and you certainly shouldn’t be yelling at her and making her cry. 

I know you think this guy is awesome but the fact that he laughs when his daughter is rude and has no ambivalence about letting her dictate who sleeps where is hugely concerning.  He should feel bad that you are struggling with his daughter, and want to fix it  and above all, he should want his kid to respect adults. 

Your goal is to not have a 5-year-old in charge of you and that starts with HIM. He needs to take charge of the child and expect her to treat you with respect. 

You have to start seeing Mr. Amazing as the root of the problem because that’s where it lies. 

WannabeSM's picture

"You are not that girl's parent.  Her father gets to decide if the child will eat what she is served or if HE will give her something different."

This is exactly why i need your help and his help to understand my boundaries with her. see last sentence of the list. I can guess I should not interfere everytime i like, but i also do not know when i should.Can i not tell her there is nothing wrong with the food ? that i cooked it for her and she can eat it if she like, if she doesnt, OK but but there is no other food in the house? OK maybe telling her where to sleep is a bit too much, but can i say, for example, "we need to comb your hair girl" ? Should i just go ok with everything she does and not say a word when there is something wrong ?

I think these are the things I should be on the same page with BF and this is exactly why i want to talk to him about it. 

 

"This is ridiculous.  It pretty much says you are in a power struggle with a FIVE YEAR OLD.  You are putting your boyfriend on notice that in an effort to win, there will be times when you will lose it and make the kid cry.   If you think he's going to sit back and accept that you are kidding yourself."

Thanks for commenting on this, this one i will not mention in the talk. 

Like i said, i thought i was being gentle preparing this list. I didnt think he would think i am pointing my anger at her, since this is not the case. If it were, id already be yelling and firing at back to the very 5 year old. This is the list of all things i tried NOT TO POINT MY ANGER TO A 5 YEAR OLD, taking into account that she is the kid and I need to solve these issues with the parent. 

This is why i am talking to the parent. 

thanks for commenting :) 

 

tog redux's picture

All that stuff you mention above is his job to say to her. He is the parent. You are just a fun adult who is around more now. 

Ideally, nothing should change for a kid in terms of how they are parented just because Dad has a new girlfriend, IF the dad is a good parent in the first place. A new GF can’t come in and become the new strict parent and expect the child not to react. 

What you need to tell your BF is that he has the right to parent as he pleases but you can’t spend time with them together if he thinks his current parenting is fine. You want him to make changes because he sees that he’s not parenting adequately, not because you insist on it. 

My SS liked me immediately. Nothing changed for him in terms of how DH parented him when I came around, because DH was already parenting him effectively. 

justmakingthebest's picture

You do need to express how you are feeling to your boyfriend. You do need to get feelers out there to see if he is wiling to draw some boundary lines. Like I stated before, this is going to be a one bite at a time kind of thing. I really feel strongly that in your shoes I would start with the bed/sleeping. As another poster stated, if BM finds out that you are sleeping in bed with SD, she is going to lose it! 

See if your BF will make that change. Then after another few visits- try for the food-- Eat what is served or you get a sandwich and no dessert. Then try for the next thing. Make these wants and needs on your part gradual. BUT if he won't change the sleeping arrangements- just end it for your sanity. I promise nothing good will come of your life together if you have to co-sleep with a step kid. Make sure he knows that she needs to sleep in her own bed even if you aren't there.

Think of it like this. If you are having a 2nd (or 3rd) child and you are planning on reusing the crib for the 1st, you need to get the older child out of the crib months before the baby comes. Otherwise the older child will see the baby as a thief who stole their bed. This situation is no different. BF needs her out of his bed all of the time, not just when you are there, otherwise you are a thief and it will lead to more resentment. You should have said "hard pass" when he suggested you sleep in another room. If you would have left and then said "I will see you sometime tomorrow, but I will not be kicked out of my bed for a kid."-- then made yourself unavailable until later in the day, you would have made a lasting impression on your BF.

momjeans's picture

I’m trying to wrap my head around all of this being about a five-year-old. FIVE.

I have a daughter the same age and I cannot imagine her acting like this. I also cannot imagine being in your shoes, having to break it down to yourself and another adult, her bio parent.

What a nightmare. 

WannabeSM's picture

lucky you :) 

So there are 5y.olds that behave ? thats good to hear ! Too bad i cant interfere much with parenting SD and hope that her parents will make her behave 

Aunt Agatha's picture

This guy is not so truly awesome.  He may have great qualities.  But you are still in the honeymoon phase of things, so aren’t seeing the problem is 100% your boyfriend.  

If you’ve not yet, I suggest you read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin before you have any come to Jesus talk with your BF.  

You are putting way, way too much on this child when it’s your BF who is the problem because he is not parenting his child well. He has created this little monster. Until you can clearly see this, and realize any change made will be hard won, you may want to slow this relationship down.

ESMOD's picture

I will try to also be gentle as I give you the absolute best advice I can.

DO NOT, for the love of all that is holy, have that talk with your BF.  He will shut down about the 2nd point and the ONLY thing you will have done is made him think that you hate his child.

It is WAY too much to unpack... and to be honest, a lot of it is not anything to do with the child herself.  There is a LOT of maturity issues for both you and your BF to work on.  But, again, it will not be productive to sit him down and get his defenses up.

1.  As others have said, you are doing too much for the child.  Why do you care if her hair is combed if her father doesn't.  Why do you care if she ate your food?  Let dad deal with parenting issues like that.  Now, if his idea of parenting is to give the kid cake?  I don't know how "wonderful" of a father he is. 

2.  You have unrealistic expectations from this child too.  She has been raised the way she has been raised.  Sleeping with daddy.. cake for dinner etc.  Oh.. and she is FIVE years old.. being cranky and picky with her food? Those are ABSOLUTELY typical behaviors.  So is hurting your feelings.  But, you need to be tougher than THAT to survive steplife.  Kids say all sorts of things to their parents.  "I hate you" "you are mean" etc... Being a parent isn't all roses.. either.

All of the things going on.. the co-sleeping... the crankiness.. the brat behaviors.. all are things that should be worked on by her father.. BUT.. again, we are talking about a five year old and they don't work the way you think.

He can't sit her down and set her straight.  It would be an exercise in futility.. and all she would get out of that was that you don't like her and that her tactics are getting to you.. and she will target your soft underbelly.. even more.  Nothing is more fun than playing "make the GF turn red" game.

So.. how do you deal with all of this?

1.  BACK OFF!!!!!!!  don't dress her, feed her, comb her hair, send her to bed, etc.. just let your BF do all of that.  If you want to play a game of candyland with her fine.. if she starts acting out.. the game goes away.  You only really should be stepping in on anything when it impacts you specifically.. (not eating what you cooked her.. really doesn't fit there either).  If she has your ipad over the toilet.. step in.  She going through your purse? step in.  She says something "mean" to you.. you can tell her that "that's not very nice, I don't talk to you like that.." and then deprive her of your positive presence.. if you were playing with her stop.. go to reading or soemthing else.

2.  I would inform your boyfriend that you are NOT comfortable with a child sleeping in the bed with you.. and that if you are staying over that you expect to be able to sleep with him.  You won't take the couch.. if that's how it will be, you will stay away when he has his child.  That doesn't put the blame that his child is BAD.. but that you aren't comfortable sleeping with a child.  It puts the responsibility on him to fix it.

3.  Get a grip on your emotions.  You are letting a 5 year old get the better of you.  Sure, she may be a brat, but you talk about how you "love" her.. but then you have 101 complaints about her.  You don't love her.. and that's ok.  What you need to do is learn how to co-exist with her with your BF.  Absolutely no reason for you to be screaming at a child.. and you won't have to if you don't get into silly power struggles with her. 

4.  Bottom line is that this is about training your BF.. as much as it is about his child needing guidance and boundaries (from him).  You can set boundaries like "if I cook, I expect her to eat.. or I won't be cooking" but don't have this as some huge conversation.. just organically.. as situations come up.  The next time she is a jerk about eating your food.  Tell your BF.. well, I think it will be best if you take on the meals while she is here..  THAT will probably make him make her eat..lol.  The bed thing as well.. next time she will be there.. ask before hand.  Where will I be sleeping? Where will she be sleeping?  Because I'm really uncomfortable.. etc....  When he learns that not having boundaries with his child means he won't have YOU?? maybe it will be a bigger priority to teach his child not to cosleep?

AGAIN.. no talks.. not with him.. not with him and his child.. it is NOT helpful.. and won't work.

 

WannabeSM's picture

your comment is a game changer. 

thank you so much for this. I used to think that not confronting any problem with the source (which i know is the BF here, thats why i want to talk to him about all this) was just postponing greater problems in the future. 

but you are right. I can change my point of view and behaviour gradually, and get disengaged gradually. 

I still dont agree that i dont love her. I may not have been able to put it into words but I do love her, unconditinially. But it is true that loving her is getting more difficult as i engage more. 

Again, thank you for the wise words that will definitely be taken into consideration. 

Disneyfan's picture

You do not love that child unconditionally.  Unconditional love means you will always be there no matter what.  NORMAL parents love their children unconditionally.  That is what allows parents to continue to love and support their kids even when the kids are being colossal asses and everyone else has had enough of them.

If your relationship were to end right now, you would no longer have contact with that child.  If BM ramps up the crazy and decides to plays with CPS,  you will not continue to embrace and love SD.  You will do everything in your power to protect yourself.  Even if it means removing SD from your life.

bananaseedo's picture

I don't know- everytime I put my feeligns in writing to DH about SD he would listen and do something about it-that said, I agree to tackling one issue at a time or else it's overwhelming.....the advice is very solid and good though for sure.

Harry's picture

And controlling her father.  She wants her parents back together and you out of the picture.  You are only the GF.  You sleep with your BF SD sleeps in her own bed.  That it, no other way. You cook, she either eats it or not. There is PB& J.  That the two choices.   You should no be de facto child care. BF should arranges child care, for his DD, you are not it. 

If BF does not go along with this, Then you have a major problem, and should be looking to get out.  You have to come first.  In a normal family the parents come first. Not the kids.  Parents try to please the kids because they want to have fun being a parent.  That not how it works in a second marriage. 

“.  BUT I LOVE HIM “. How can you love someone who places you second or third? Who put his child over you ? Who wants you to cook, clean, do child care, and free sex. To be treated badly???

Cover1W's picture

Agree with many commenters above.

You can have a discussion about expectations and parenting with your partner, but NOTHING can be said about SD and what she does.  This is not neutral.  No blame.  Just about a few things, not a roster. 1) sleeping 2) food and 3) rude behavior/talking back.  The focus is on how you feel, not what she's doing, not what he's not doing (although this may come up indirectly). 

ESMOD put it well - you don't have to discuss the teensy details or everything at one time...example: 

SDs refuse to eat x amount of meals I cook in a week.

Result: Privately I have a discussion with DH about how I am cooking things most kids like, wasted food and money, my time and effort wasted.  Therefore he will have to ("I need you to...") start cooking more and figure out what they want so we can have regular meals.  OR what is his alternative?  And I am not angry when discussing this, just stating facts and not blaming anyone.  What happened is DH started cooking another meal for them, I made what he and I wanted, until he got tired of that. Then it was one meal or they made something else.  Now, I make less meals when a skid is with us overall - he is the primary caregiver not me.  And this only took one real conversation, it was more actions and negotiations in the end.