FDH gave me insight TWICE in one week as to some things we are seeing out of skids. I couldn't believe it. He is very intelligent but typically he is more concerned about getting chips and dip into his favorite bowl than discussing child psychology. He leaves that to me, then listens while he is busy crunching his chips haha.

First revelation:

So I took skids to a friends house for vday celebration instead of drunk texting my ex and crying myself to sleep while he was away. J/k I just thought that was funny. Anyhoo I took them and they behaved like total evil shits! Omg! They are SOOO polite and good at our house. They are so well behaved in general! This isn't the first time when they are guests somewhere that they act like total ass. Even my mom has said they are like totally different animals when I leave them with her than when we are together. At first I was angry and ashamed! I'm thinking don't kids usually act BETTER for other people? Don't they typically model their home behavior? Why would they treat family friends with such disrespect EVEN WITH ME THERE!?! Examples:

sd5 starts acting like a total brat. Family friend (we'll call her Marissa) says its time to clean up her play room. sd5 calmly looks at Marissa and tells her "No, I am not done playing yet. She about got a smack down RIGHT there. sd5 is the shyest, quietest most well behaved of the bunch typically!

Around dinnertime sd5 walks up to Marissa and says "When is my food going to be ready? I want it NOW" I told Marissa not to say a thing to me entitled little brat. I marched her heiny to the couch and told her since she needed a time SO badly as to when her food would be ready I would give her one - when all the other children were done eating. She sat on that couch ALONE and cried. I couldn't care less. Sound harsh? Absolutely not, she would never DREAM of talking to me like that. She politely comes in and says "Cinna? Is dinner going to be ready soon? I am very hungry, or can I have a snack please?" THIS behavior towards a GROWN friend was appalling.

I witnessed sd10 RUNNING across Marissa's couches. You read right. ACROSS THE TOPS OF HER COUCHES SHE RAN BACK AND FORTH.

Everyone calmed down and started behaving after I put the squeeze on them. After sd5's little escapade on the couch she started acting correctly. Using her manners etc. Sd10 started after i told her if she was gunna be a total fuck at other peoples homes she is obviously too young to go to the movies with her friends on saturday (with adults of course).

I face chat with FDH later that evening. I tell him about the debauchery. He shakes his head but says he isn't surprised. Im astounded. Why isn't he surprised?!? Then the revelation occurs. Wait for it....

"They act like that because their mother's house isn't home, it is a place they visit. They have learned that how they behave while visiting her is the norm for how you behave when you visit ANYONE. They visit there the most, they act like heathens there, and nothing happens to them. Obviously this is the correct way to act when you visit."

My mouth :jawdrop:. I replayed in my head the complaints lodged to me by family and friends who took my skids for overnights etc. "sd5 threw a temper tantrum in the store with me, she nagged me the entire time we were there for things she wanted me to buy her. Sd5 whined and cried and pouted whenever she didn't get her way. ss3 constantly harassed me to give him food and candy." ALL OF THIS was exactly the behavior that is exhibited at BM's! Dingus has told BM he won't take her kids anywhere but his family's houses because they are such an embarrassment to him and their behavior is so terrible. BM took them to a restaurant 2 weeks ago. sd5 ran table to table eating OTHER PEOPLES FOOD OFF OF THEIR PLATES!!! OMG!! sd15 told me she tried to reprimand her but BM told her to "leave sd5 alone, she can do what she wants". I felt relieved to find all this out about the reasons why but angry at the same time. I think you know why. Question is now - what do we do with this knowledge!? How do we "fix" this? Can we fix this?

Second revelation:

Today was Family Breakfast for sd10 at their school. Last night I worked until 9pm and wasn't home for the evening routine. SD15 watched sd's 5 and 10 and put them to bed. I had ss3 with me. This was the last night shift I am to work so I wasn't so bothered about doing that for this one night. Anyways, I have known about family breakfast for her grade for at least 3 or 4 weeks. Its in my calendar on my phone. I attended sd5's a few months ago (each grade gets a different month). Sd10 remembers it is today this morning while she was getting ready to go and starts throwing a temper tantrum. She is shit talking to herself about how no one is coming and how it isn't fair blah blah blah. Stomping those feet again. Angrily stuffing paper into her backpack. Stops for the occasional mean comment to her sister to "stop looking at me"! I ignore all of this and don't say a thing. She continues. Its been 15 minutes. I finally ask her WHO said there was no one coming to her breakfast buddies besides her dad who said he was going to be out of state? She didn't even ask BM. So all of this shit mumbling was in an attempt to GUILT and MANIPULATE me! She was mumbling about how "i wasn't there last night so of course I don't KNOW about it". After I say the one thing to her her mood 180's she gets all cheerful etc. By now I am pretty pissy and annoyed. I tell her that the only thing keeping her from family breakfast is her because all the time her tantrum has taken up has taken away from me getting ready to go. I tell her that honestly after all of that I don't even really want to go. Why would I want to go have breakfast with someone who just passive aggressively berated me for the last 15 minutes about not going to something that hasn't even happened yet. During all this SD5 tries to comfort her by saying "No one came to mine either". Sd10 tells her uh yeah Cinna did! I'm thinking exxxxceellleeennttt. Not only is this one throwing a temper tantrum but apparently my involvement is so important that the other one doesn't even remember it! I'm thinking why the heck even go at all for ANYTHING. Always my default in my head is "Why don't you ask your mom...*smug look*" I know its mean which is why i don't say it, but i think it sometimes.

So i call SO - interrupt his class (lol) explain the situation and ask him what i should do. I've already told her that her behavior has made me question if i should go or not but i wasn't sure what to do in reality. Don't want to reward her verbally dumping on me but don't want to alienate her either.

He says:

"Her behavior is inexcusable and it is unacceptable for her to treat you this way. That being said I want you to understand what I believe is going on here. I think it's a situation where sd10 is trying to cope and vent her frustrations about BM failing her and her lackluster performance as a mother. Whether she (sd10) likes it or not, wants it to be or not, you are the mother figure in our home and you are doing a better job than her own mom. This is upsetting and sad for her and I think she is slowly coming to grasps with this concept. We will address the behavior portion when I am home because we can't let it continue - it isn't fair to you especially since you are around so much more."

I tell him that she was only bagging on US that BM not being there never even came into questioning.

This is met with "In sd10's mind BM being there for anything has been such a let down and so far out of the realm of possibility i don't even think it occurs to her. Whether she says so or not out loud, I know my child. She was disappointed by the cupcakes her mom brought her amongst other things, and she feels let down by BM who for so long she has placed on this pedestal".

I was really impressed by the insight. We will work on this issue when he gets back. In the end I went to family breakfast. I was a few minutes late, made her sweat a little but we had a nice time. She was happy to see me and i did enjoy myself.

FDH saves the day!