Turns out "Ask Amy" IS a SM
while the actual question posed in this edition of "Ask Amy" is scandalous, and worthy of its own post, take a look at the comments at the end of the discussion re: a SM disciplining a skid.
http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/askamy/ct-ask-amy-family-secret...
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I don't usually agree with
I don't usually agree with her advice.
I read this one yesterday
http://www.chicagotribune.com/lifestyles/askamy/ct-ask-amy-mother-fiance...
Guys fights 4 yrs to get custody of his child. His fiancé and MIL aren't getting along. Her advice is for the guy and his fiancé to adopt each other's children. If the BM fought this guy for 4yrs over custody, what makes Amy think she would let some other women adopt her child? JMO
I rarely agree with her, too
I rarely agree with her, too and am quite surprised to find out a) that she actually told a SM to not discipline her skid; and b) that she is a SM.
She is typically very anti-SM, as I recall.
At the bottom of the column
At the bottom of the column she herself declares she has 4 stepchildren.
Undoubtedly they are raised by nannies so why would she have ever have to face the question of disciplining them herself? Sheesh.
I read 2 of her columns, the two referenced in this discussion. Terrible advice in both cases.
try this link from a
try this link from a different paper....
http://www.freep.com/story/life/advice/2015/10/08/mom-denies-affair-four...
LOL, good point.
LOL, good point.
WOB/Ninji, would you be able
WOB/Ninji, would you be able to post the content? I can't access the links - maybe because I'm overseas? I just get a pop-up blocker that invites me to continue browsing by paying $1 for 10 days of access....
Dear Amy: I have six
Dear Amy:
I have six siblings, one older than I am.
When my older sister and I were young (13 and 15) our mother had a long-lasting affair with her “business partner.” She had four children from that affair while married to our stepfather. At the time, it wasn’t a secret; our stepfather knew and stayed with her (for some reason).
After her fourth and final child, she cut ties with her lover and it became a family secret. The five youngest children do not remember the affair. For the four youngest, the man they consider their father is not their biological father.
Recently the oldest child from this affair asked me what I remembered about our mother’s business partner, and said he had stumbled upon some weird memories of him and her together.
He asked if I knew whether they had a more intimate relationship. I am struggling with the “right thing to do” because there is still a 16-year-old sibling at home (the others are over 18).
He said he had asked our mother, but she said “no” and glossed over everything.
I never wanted to hold this secret, and now my sister and I are being forced to be complicit in the lie. I’m struggling with whether it is my/our responsibility to tell, since my mother will not; and if so, when is the best time to tell someone something so horrible. — Feeling Guilty by Association
Dear Guilty:Your siblings have the right to know the identity of their biological father. It is, quite literally, their birthright.
Family secrets have a way of gaining power over time until they form a hard, tough and dangerous core. Secrets can damage individuals, families and relationships in unseen ways over time. For instance, look at how you and your sister are wrestling with this, even as your brother seems to suffer with his own suspicions. Your mother’s choice to hold this close has transformed her into a denier — and a liar.
I don’t know if I would characterize this as something so “horrible,” but more as something that simply is.
You and your sister should meet with your mother and tell her that you will not hold on to this secret for her. If she needs help with how to disclose it, you should be available to meet this challenge with empathy.
A professional family therapist could help all of you by meeting with you as individuals and as a group. Over time, your entire family will need help to navigate the fallout and emotional challenges of this new reality. The best time to face this is right now.
Dear Amy: Your advice to “Frustrated” was so off base! This woman wanted to discipline her 5-year-old stepdaughter and you said no!
You obviously don’t know what you are talking about. — Disappointed
Dear Disappointed: I have four stepchildren. I think this gives me some skin in the game.
Dear Amy: After my daughter
Dear Amy: After my daughter was born, I fought for custody for four years. I was living with my parents during that time. My daughter stayed with my mom during the day while I worked because I could not afford child care and lawyer fees. Eventually I was granted full custody.
I moved out of my parents' home with my daughter when she turned 5. I met a very nice girl with a daughter of her own. Eventually we decided to move in together.
Our kids love being around each other and love both of us. The adjustment was very easy for all of us. We have now been together for over two years.
My mother helped me with the custody battle, and I thank her for that, but now she thinks she can control every aspect of my daughter's life.
She will not allow my fiancee to parent my daughter, nor does she accept her daughter, who is 4.
My mom criticizes any choice I make with my fiancee. I am overly stressed out because I help my father after work and see my mom every day.
My fiancee takes my daughter to her after-school activities, which upsets my mom because she can no longer do it.
Despite my mother's disruptive behavior, I feel she should still see my daughter regularly. My fiancee thinks she should be cut off because she does not listen to any of our choices.
What can I do to keep the peace?
— Desperate Dad
Dear Dad: Your fiancee's stance — to cut off your mother completely — makes her seem almost as intractable and controlling as your mother.
You will have to be gentle and compassionate, but also very firm with your mother.
Perhaps it would also help if you two parents were actually married and adopted each other's children, if possible. Taking this step will help all of you to clarify your roles.
Understand your mother's special connection, but do not reward her favoritism. If she mistreats the younger child then you shouldn't trust her to spend time alone with the older child. You and your fiancee should include your mother on your terms, without allowing her to dominate you.
An objective mediator could help all of the adults in this situation by discussing the practical roles, as well as the feelings involved. A pastor or social worker could take this role. If you offer your mother mediation and she won't cooperate, then the very tangible consequence is that your family will want to spend less time with her. That will be your bottom line.