getting worse before its getting better

Everytime I think it has reached its lowest point, I seem to keep sinking lower and feeling sadder.

My marriage is falling apart... its like watching a train wreck. I love my DH more than anything in this world, but I am unhappy and despite lots of therapy and disengaging, and coping, and my DH trying, I am still deeply unhappy in this relationship. I hate being a stepmom... I have a BM who makes the devil look friendly, and my skids treat me as though I am just that girl that lives in their house. This is how I live 50% of my life when the skids are home. They are only 12 and 8 so I have a long way yet to go till they are out of the house. I have become very resentful of them as I don't feel like a part of their happy little family. I am always the outsider.
Things have come to a head when I have realized the following:
a) bringing a baby into this situation will be a disaster for everyone involved and will not be what I need/want it to be...
b) I need to be able to have a family of my own that I feel like I belong to. Not having children is not an option for me.
c) my DH is older than me and is unwilling to wait until his kids are older to have children with me (my therapist suggested this as an option since it would cut down on the time that would overlap of raising his kids and our kids together and the conflicts around trying to have a unified family with two skids who are so pas'd out that they can't accept me.
d) my DH is not a christian. I tried warping that in my mind before we got married b/c I saw signs that he actually was and did believe in God and the Bible, but just wasn't ready to say the words yet.... but I am realizing now that that is not a direction he wants to go down. This is very important to me.

I came home last night to an empty house. DH left no note, and would not answer his phone. It was late at night and I had no idea where he was. He didn't come home until late. When he finally got home he was irate. He had found and read my entire journal while I was out... of which the last entry said I wanted to leave the relationship. When he got home he first avoided me, and then when I wouldn't let him ignore me he yelled and screamed and swore at me for at least an hour, and then spent another hour not yelling, but telling me how horrible I was and that everything was my fault... and making sure I knew how much I was hurting him.
I called my therapist today and she immediately said that he had NO RIGHT to treat me that way, that it was totally unacceptable, and that it was very abusive for him to say those things and talk to me that way.
But I feel responsible for his behavior because I feel like I am ruining him. He is a good man in a crappy situation and I wanted to save him but I can't. He is devastated at the thought of losing me. So I justify his behavior because I feel like its my fault for hurting him so badly, and it is because he is so hurt that he is acting that way.

I am in a very dark place and am feeling very alone right now.
Please pray for me and keep me in your hearts.

tryingtofindpeace's blog
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You are in my prayers....

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

And please remember, that you are not responsible for Dh's actions. Yes, he might be hurt and angry over what he read, but where does it come in that 1. he had a right to read it and 2. he's not addressing any of the things that are hurting you and making you think of leaving.

Don't take responsiblity for his actions-H has pushed me to the limit where some women would have lost it ....many times I just wanted to slap his face (and SD17's), but I didn't. Because I am responsible for my own actions. Just as your DH is responsible for his.

I know when I step outside

I know when I step outside of it that he is responsible for his actions but when in it, I get so wrapped up in the emotional part and how much I love him, and how bad I feel that I get wracked by guilt and want to just sweep everything under the rug and make everything better. That and him telling me point blank that I am destroying him and ruining everything, and it's all my fault.

anything is possible

but I'm thinking no. This is not the first time we have gotten to this place in a conversation. He has known for a couple of months that leaving was on the table. He is unable to come to me and comfort me. He turns everything around and makes it all about him. He is hurting, He is devastated, He is in pain... so he gets angry and mean when he feels threatened.

Thank you MLW

You are my kindred spirit. Thank you for your wisdom. I am going to add this to my journal. Everyone that doesn't know me or my situation says, "well, have you really given it your all? have you tried everything? can you make it work?..." Of course I can "make" it work, but at what expense? Giving up all of me and my dreams? I'm tired of fixing everything and having to make everything work. At what point do you bow out and throw in the towel?

sounds so familiar

my marriage was at the end, and I was telling a friend about how bad it was and how I wanted to get out and you know what she said to me, do you think about what it is going to be like out there on your own?? you will have to fix your own tires, you will have to mow your own lawn, and do this and this, can it be that bad?? I was dumbfounded.. how can you compare fixing a tire to being treated like a second class citizen? to have your feelings tramped on and demeaned..
I dont know what the last straw for me was but I do know as hard and painful as it was to leave, it was really the best thing I ever did.

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

i think

I know enough to know that once I am "out" of this, that the pain will heal and I will be grateful after the storm settles. The problem is that I have a lot of guilt over being the one to leave, and over dissolving a marriage. I got married for the first time very young (19) to my hs sweetheart. He left me 9 years into our relationship for another girl. literally just up and left me groveling at his feet for him to stay. So this time was supposed to be different. This time I was supposed to get it right. It appears I have screwed up again. and I feel HORRIBLE over the pain I am causing him...

I am in

your same position. I don't know if I have any advice, but I just want you to know that you are not alone.

I too hate being a step-something (we aren't married). I am constantly miserable.

In my case it's the fact that BF caters to BM.

BF & BM communicate way too much.

That we have skids way too much, EW Fri-Mon a.m.

The fact that BF pays CS and we have EW and are paying for the extra utilites and food for them to be there.

The fact that the skids parents need to discipline them better.

The fact that BF and I do not have a child of our own, who I so desparetly want.

I love BF dearly. I can't imagine being with anyone else. We had an advantage because skids were not around at all the first year we were together, building a great relationshiop. Then we moved and all we do is argue. I am constantly irritated, aggravated, tired, overworked, annoyed to no end. It often gets back to normal during the week when skids are gone as long as BM doesn't call and the schedules are not all changed (by her), then I am again thrown into the irritated, annoyed, axnious mode.

is it

worth it?
Are you going to stay?
If I was not married I would run far far far away.

pain your causing him?

What about you ???

You should have no guilt to get out of a marriage that isn't working.

me too

I guess I should have added too was that he was making me feel guilty too, (course I have enough guilt of my own) that I was breaking up our family, that our kids would suffer from being kids of divorced parents, he did lay on the guilt..I did not mean to minimize how you are feeling TTFP I just wanted you to know that you are not alone..

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

i did not think you were minimizing

I did not feel like you were minimizing my feelings at all Thank you though.

phew !

you are most welcome.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

My God

How sad.

You did not know this would be the situation or I bet you would have married someone else.
It does not sound like you have a husband, not in the true sense of the word. In this case I would say it's ok to divorce and I'd do it quickly befofe you waste any more time. You do not have someone who you are yoked with.

In the future when you are considering marriage, be sure to cover those things before agreeing to marry.
All in all I feel you will be deeply regretful if you try to rremain in this marriage with this man. He is not the one for you.

equally yoked

I thought we were but I guess I just wanted us to be so badly that I was blinded...

I know

I know what you mean when you say that but you have to remember to make choices about who you marry with more than feelings. Feelings can change.

I'll tell you what I learned the hard way over several decades. You have to find a man who is a husband and not a rebuild. You have to base the relationship not only upon attraction but more imporantly common values.
If you do not know the charactristics of a husband, you can read about it in the bible as it outlines who is and who isn't and what happens if you marry a man who isn't.
I did not know all that until I was over 35... but when I learned about it and saw how it worked in people around me, I knew what mistakes I had made in the past. I also knew it's not easy to find a man who is husband material but there are some around.
I gave up and asked God not to send me a man or a husband but just to help me live a happy life as I was accepting that I had made poor choices and my options may have expired, and I went on with my life.
One day... a husband appeared, a sexy, handsome man with his crap together who was emotionally mature. It freaked me out to be honest. I remembered what I was taught about how to select a husband and he passed with flying colors.
I'm still freaked out sometimes as he is someone who does the right thing and has my best interests at heart. It's mind boggling and I don't think I did anything special to deserve someone like him, but I got him.
I feel it was because I made my choices based not on feelings, but common values and of course selecting a husband based on certain triats.
I guess it would be like not asking your dentist to look at a hangnail or hire a house painter to do your taxes.
If anything, you will get better at choices if you learn from your mistakes and next time choose someone who doesn't need to be told how to love and be in a good relationship.