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Crazy kicked SD out and somehow she is still MOTY

TrueNorth77's picture

This has to be the pinnacle of parental alienation/manipulation. To kick your daughter out of the house with nowhere to go, DH saves her, and yet Crazy is still mother of the year. 

After SD-almost-15 called the cops on DH a month ago, it's been radio silence from her AND Crazy, until a message last week from Crazy saying SD tried to commit the bathroom...with a lanyard.... and SD told Crazy about it a few days later. 

Look, we have taken SD seriously every time she has mentioned feeling suicidal and done ALL of the steps- counseling, psychiatrist, meds, locked up dangerous things. We took it seriously, but we are now 2 years in and it has become very evident that SD is not actually suicidal, which her therapist also firmly believes (she calls SD manipulative) and she has been using this as a manipulation tool/for attention. I do think SD has issues, but SD is not an idiot- she did not go into a school bathroom and think she could try to off herself with a freaking lanyard. But she did know she could say she tried, and that would garner some attention. So Crazy sends a message telling DH about this because she is "legally obligated to", and DH asked some questions and said SD needs more help than she is getting (which is currently nothing, since Crazy doesn't want her seeing her current therapist, and also let her go off her meds). Crazy's response was a long diatribe telling DH how this was all DH's fault because SD said that every time she closes her eyes all she can see is DH yelling at her and raising his hand to "almost hit her". FFS. 

He did not raise his hand to almost hit her. The police watched the video and said, quote "There is nothing on here that would make her think you were going to hit her". I also was right there and saw that he didn't "almost hit her", or raise his hand to her, But that doesn't make a good story, so here we are. 

Anyway, we took SS to Florida over the wknd to look at the college he IS going to...the lower cost school, although even this one is ridiculously expensive, and yes DH did take out a parent-plus loan, which SS is supposed to still pay for even though it is in DH's name....don't even get me started on that. Luckily it cannot transfer to me, doesn't affect my credit, and if either of them die it completely goes away and I can never be stuck with it. So given that and the fact that we have separate finances, aside from a serious talk over the wknd about DH's need to contribute to retirement, I can't say much. 

As we were sitting in the airport yesterday to fly home, My phone started ringing- it was SD. I was like WTF and showed DH. We were both shocked (last I knew I was blocked). I asked if I should answer and he said probably not. She called again. He said don't answer. Then she called SS. He answered and she asked to talk to DH- she was bawling and said Crazy had kicked her out- Crazy was in the background screaming at DH that this was all his fault, he made SD this way, all she ever did was try to help her. I just cannot with this woman. So DH tells SD to call his mom, which honestly irks me. DH's mom doesn't want to be involved with SD right now- 10 mins later (too late), I asked DH why he is bailing Crazy out? I said he should have told SD he would call her back, sent Crazy a message saying we are out of state and SD has nowhere to go- you can't kick a 14yr old out of the house. Don't bail her out and make YOUR mom take her. He acknowledged I was right and sent Crazy a message saying we are out of state and that his mom would pick SD up...sigh...not quite what I was saying.... Crazy said "I didn't kick her out" (because if you say it on OFW, it's true, you know), and "it's fine if your mom picks her up". Then she went on to blame DH for this for not seeing SD the past few weeks. SD refuses to come and CRAZY is the one who told her to calle the cops on DH! As if DH has a choice! 

SD got into MIL's car and immediately said she wasn't going by her father who "tried to hit her multiple times". FFS. MIL said she didn't think DH tried to hit her...SD said in a snide voice, OH RIGHT, because PERFECT DH (insert DH's first and last name) can't do anything wrong". She told MIL that her mom was "stressed", which is why she kicked her out. Immediately making excuses for her. She got to MIL's house and stayed in a separate room from them, was not grateful at all for her picking her up, then called a friend and went to stay there for the night. MIL told me that SD was a "snotty wench" and if she called her again she would probably tell her that she wouldn't pick her up. SD text DH that she would be going back by Crazy's last night. DH told her ok, but she will need to come here eventually (I disagree), and that he didn't totally love how he handled things last time, and she needs more help than she is getting- there is a path forward. She replied "Well today is not the day, maybe after I get my trauma that u caused in check and i am not so fearful of u anymore I will think of coming back I barely sleep because of u, the first 2 weeks I couldn't even leave the house by myself without being scared".  

This girl is the biggest drama queen and victim I have ever met. She got YELLED AT by her dad, and she is acting like she encountered a serial killer in the woods and survived. When she got kicked out and was crying, DH actually felt like there is hope, but now he doesn't at all. I had planned on having a very serious come to Jesus with SD if she came to our house- I know what it's like to have a parent who wasn't there and actually did nothing like she is accusing DH of, and he has done SO much for her- plus I was there and know that the things she is saying are lies and BS for attention. But somehow, her mom is still a hero in this even after kicking her out with nowhere to go unless DH called his mom to save her. DH is still the bad guy here. UNREAL. 

To top things off, I had requested a copy of the police incident report from when SD called the cops on DH- DH filed for a CS review since SS just turned 18 and will be off CS now, plus SD isn't really here anymore.We assume a GAL will be assigned, a whole review will be done...we might need the incident report. Come to find out it is with the DA's office because they are reviewing it for a possible Disorderly Conduct charge. WTF?! This all happened IN our house. DH yelled at his freaking daughter, and the police left. It doesn't even fit the statute of Disorderly conduct, nothing happened outside to disturb the peace. The only way this could have even made it this far is if the police slightly believed what SD/Crazytold them- that DH locked SD out of the house (which he didn't, and we have video that shows he didn't). But just having this hover over his head is stressful also. I told DH that SD CANNOT be here. She is a loose cannon and I want nothing to do with it. He doesn't want her here either, so it's not awful that she didn't want to be here really. He said if she keeps acting the way she is, she is going to end up just like Crazy did- in a group home, once Crazy kicks her out and she has nowhere to go. 

It's just so sad and unbelievable that it has spiraled into this in such a short time. 


Rags's picture

Put the forced emancipation countdown timer on the wall and when she reached the age where she can be forcibly emancipated daddy needs to file.

That is usually 16 or 17 from what I have heard.

MIL needs to put her foot up her idiot son's ass and tell him to grow a pair and quit playing Crazy's and this idiot child's games.


notsurehowtodeal's picture

I can't believe your DH chose to put his mother in a situation where SD could call the cops on her too! He needs to wake up and realize this girl is a danger to anyone she is around. There is always the possibility she will call the police and tell them something false.
Even if the case is with the DA's office, you can still get a copy of the report. You should get one, and DH should consider running everything by a criminal defense lawyer - which he will need if charges are filed. Honestly, until the court stuff is straightened out, he should limit contact with his daughter and absolutely should not see her in person. If anything happens and the police are called again, they could think there is a pattern and it could just make things worse.

TrueNorth77's picture

I told him his mom was not impressed with SD and was uncomfortable with picking her up. And that it wasn't a great idea to put her in that position. He said he didn't expect SD to be such an ungrateful brat to her and will not ask her to do that again. He still wants to think there is hope for SD, which I understand to a point. If you knew SD a year or 2 ago, this is such a complete 180 that it really is hard to believe what she is capable of and how she will act now. And when she called crying, he wanted to help her. For her to immediately get nasty about DH and then ungrateful to his mom. Just wow. 

By us, Disorderly Conduct is like a Civil ticket...not even a Misdemeanor or Felony. They usually just mail it to you. I actually did just call the DA's office to get a copy of the incident report and they have nothing pending for DH. So either this was never refered to them after all, or it never made it very far. She said it's possible it is still in review and to check back in a week, but that would be weird. It's been a month and he wasn't even in their system. Whew!

Either way, No SD. This needs to stop until something changes with HER and within her mind and she can act like a human and want to come here. 


Dollbabies's picture

mother? Nobody over the age of 60 should have to be putting up with this crap. I realize he needs support and family but it's not fair to put this on his mother. He needs to rethink his reliance on his mother during his daughter's batshit crazy episodes and have a plan with a script for possible scenarios that come up. And he needs to hang up when she starts her lies. The same thing applies to his ex. 

As long as she can call him up and scream garbage at him is exactly how long she's going to continue to do it. He's enabling her and this is the last thing she needs. She's like a toddler throwing a tantrum that get worse and worse because he knows it works.


TrueNorth77's picture

His mom is fairly young, 62-63 ish? Still, no one needs to be in that situation, especially when he's enabling his crazy ex. He definitely saw he didn't quite handle it appropriately. And we have both had Crazy blocked via all forms of communication for 8years now-  they only communicate through Our Family Wizard- she happened to see an opportunity to scream at him in the background when SD called on her own phone. But enabling is exactly what he always does. I know he thinks he is just helping the kids, but all it does is put them in the same exact situation additional times because he bails Crazy out and she thinks she can continue to do it. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Too bad your DH didn't call the cops to do a welfare check on SD while the fight was going on. Then there would have been some documentation showing SD behaves badly at BOTH houses.

I really feel for you. I married a man with sisters AND daughters - oh, the games they played and pots they stirred over the years! But the scariest thing you're facing is that sooner or later, your crazy SD WILL want to move into your house. Maybe purely to hurt her mom, maybe after cs ends and BM boots her butt, or simply because she's run out of other options. You need to get a long term strategy in place that prevents this, both while SD is a minor (I know this will be difficult), and after she's eighteen. This emotionally disregulated kid isn't going to launch successfully and won't be able to keep jobs or maintain relationships, so you need to prepare now for what's coming. This also applies to SS, albeit to a lesser degree.

Lastly, you need to know your hard limits, have a viable exit strategy, and the $$ to fund it squirreled away. We never know if, when pushed, a guilt- riddled partner will choose us or the crazy and you have to take care of you.

TrueNorth77's picture

Where were you guys with these ideas when this was all happening??  I need like a live chat here as the chaos is going down, because I'm sure this won't be the last of it. I also had the though (after the fact) to call CPS. 

Trust me, I have thought of my limits and potential future scenarios. I definitely have them and there are some I don't think I would budge on. I think DH and I are on the same page with SD- under no circumstances would he allow her to move in here as an over-18 adult and just sit around. Perhaps for a few months with FT job as she apt-hunted, that's all. Never with a kid. He was VERY adamant about that. With SS, DH always is a little more lax, which is where I get concerned. SS is DH's golden child and he's always willing to bend rules. He wants to be SS's friend, and if that's the case now when he's 18, I can't imagine how it will be when he's a few years older. We have talked about ground rules- they can live here for a few months while they save for an apt but the plan is always to move out. This is not a crash pad. But DH has also made comments about "I will help my kids, and I may need to help him at times, and there may need to be exceptions" (always in regards to SS). It terrifies me that SS will come home from school and try to do the whole "live at home for a year or 2 thing" and I am NOT built for it, I'm just not. DH will be choosing me or a kid, when really he can have both, if he just sticks to the agreement we made. 

notarelative's picture

Too bad your DH didn't call the cops to do a welfare check on SD while the fight was going on. Then there would have been some documentation showing SD behaves badly at BOTH houses.

When SD calls again, her dad needs to call the police for a welfare check instead of picking her up. MIL needs to be told to do the same. 

No way would I allow SD back in my house. She's a loose cannon. 

TrueNorth77's picture

Welfare check is a great idea. It's almost like if Crazy had parented SD instead of letting her call all the shots and making her believe she was in charge and everything was her decision, none of this would be when DH parents like he always has, he is a moster because SD has been told by Crazy it's not ok to parent your child... 

StepUltimate's picture

I am freaking EXHAUSTED after reading this latest installment. I admire you TrueNorth for somehow not totally losing it and running far away. No WAY can this skid ever set foot in your home again - she is more toxic than a Superfund site and totally out of control.

Agree wirh others - send police on a wellness check next time this htsterical psycho flares up. Get that on record.

TrueNorth77's picture

I swear, sometimes I feel like people are going to think I'm making this up. I get exhausted just writing it. There has been more that has happened, I just don't write about it all because it is TOO F'NG MUCH. I am mentally exhausted with it all, this is not sustainable. 

At this point, custody just has to change and it has to be done. If Crazy tries kicking her out the police can get involved because we won't have any custody so our house isn't a place to go. 

advice.only2's picture

SD no longer is afraid of repercussions and her actions will continue to get worse.  We sat and watched DH’s drug addict ex get away with so much stuff through the court systems and I could never understand how she had no fear.  It was because despite getting arrested, despite having to go to court all the time she was never really held accountable, so she knew it didn’t matter what she did (short of murdering somebody) she could skate they system and not get in much trouble.  Your DH needs to come to grips with this and accept that SD will stop at nothing in her rampage, she does not care if she hurts him, you, her brother, or her grandparents.  Nothing phases her now because she has seen there are no consequences to her actions.  I would let him know if he want’s to continue to put himself in danger with her that is on him, but he is to leave everybody else out of it.

Harry's picture

She would never live in my house. I would not put myself in that bad  position .  SD and BM who wanted custody are in there own.  You are opening yourself up for a legal mess.  

Tell BM she must transfer custody in court and pay CS. Before you take SD.  THAT will change her tune 

TrueNorth77's picture

He did know! He was going to break up with her right away but she had a kid from another guy that he got attached to (the kid was a toddler when DH met her). Then they had SS together, and Crazy was like, "if we have another one it will make our relationship better", and here we are....

Rags's picture

Having a kid to save a relationship is just insanity.  It nearly never works. All it does is raise a kid overwhelmed by parental baggage.

TrueNorth77's picture

Everyone knows this. And the irony of it all is that not only did it not work for them, We are now dealing with the absolute shit show of SD, who was the "marriage saver" for DH and Crazy, and is the cause of never ending stress in marriage number 2

Rags's picture

I can't even immagine.  I am on marriage #2 but fortunately marriage #1 did not include a spawn.

My XW was pregant at the final divorce hearing, by grandpa sugar/baby daddy.  He married her after their 2nd was born, then dumped/divorced her after she got pregnant by yet another cheat partner.  At last count, she was on DH #3 with 3 all out of wedlock children. Her #1 and #3 are cheat babies conceived while married to someone other than who she got pregnant by.

Blessedly I escaped without physical baggage.

PetSpoiler's picture

She would never be allowed in my home again.  I'd do anything for my kids, so I get where his mindset is.  He thinks he's helping his daughter, but he's enabling unfortunately.  I would say that your husband needs to scare Crazy by telling her he wants full custody and child support but she might be Crazy enough to say here you go.  She is Crazy after all.